Chapter Fifteen
I don’t know what I was expecting, but when my father and Sagan walk out of the doors of the jail, they look normal. We’ve been waiting in the parking lot for over an hour for them to process their paperwork. All they would tell us was that they were arrested for desecration. I don’t even know what that means.
My first inclination is to rush up to Sagan and hug him, but I don’t. Especially in front of anyone else. Instead, I wait until he reaches the car and I discreetly squeeze his hand.
“What’d you guys do?” Utah asks.
My father swings open the passenger door of the van. “We were trying to bury a damn dog, that’s what we were doing.” He sits down and slams his door shut. We all look at Sagan and he’s got an exasperated expression on his face.
“I tried to tell him it was a bad idea,” he says.
“Burying the dog?” Luck asks.
Sagan shakes his head. “I thought we were burying him at the church, but . . . your father had a different plan.”
“He didn’t,” Honor says in disbelief.
“Didn’t what?” Utah says.
“He wanted to bury him with Pastor Brian,” Sagan says.
“In a cemetery?” Luck asks.
“You got arrested for desecrating a grave?” I ask.
Sagan nods. “I mean, technically we were just digging a hole near Pastor Brian, but when the police catch you in a cemetery with shovels, they don’t really care what the explanation is.”
“Holy shit,” Utah says.
“Get in the van!” my father yells.
We all climb into the van. I end up in the backseat with Sagan, but I don’t mind it. Utah cranks the van, but right before we pull out of the police station, a cruiser pulls in. My father rolls down the window.
“Oh, no,” Sagan says.
“What?”
He nods toward the cops getting out of the car. “They’re the ones who arrested us.”
“Dad,” I say, not wanting him to do anything stupid.
“What’d you do with the dog?” my father asks the officers.
The cop who was driving walks over to the window. “Buried him at Pastor Brian’s church,” he says. “Same place you probably should have buried him.”
“Yeah, well . . . hindsight and all that shit,” my dad says. He waves his hand to Utah. “Let’s go.”
Utah backs up and the cop taps the top of the hood before turning to walk toward the police station. I watch out the window as both the cops start laughing.
“Great. Another rumor to pin on the Voss family,” Honor says from the seat in front of us.
“Technically, it’s not a rumor,” Sagan says. “We were digging in a cemetery without a permit. It’s illegal.”
Honor spins around. “I know that, but now the entire town is going to think Dad was trying to exhume Pastor Brian. Everyone knows he’s an atheist, now there’ll be rumors about him wanting to perform satanic rituals on his dead body.”
“Won’t be the worst thing people have said about us,” my father says from the front seat.
Honor faces forward again. “I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if most of the rumors weren’t true.”
My father looks at her in the rearview mirror. “Are you saying you’re ashamed to be a Voss?”
Honor sighs. “No. I’m just ashamed to be your daughter.”
“Oh, shit,” Luck says under his breath.
My father turns around. “And why is that, Honor?”
“Dad,” Utah says. “Give it a rest. It’s been a crazy week.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Honor says sarcastically. “Maybe because you don’t know the first thing about being a decent husband or father?”
My father turns back around and unlocks his door. “Stop the van.”
“What?” Utah says. “No.”
“Stop the van!” my father yells.
“Just stop the van, Utah,” I say. If my father is about to have a nervous breakdown, I’d rather he have it outside of the van than inside of it.
Utah pulls over, but before he even has the gear shift in park, my father is opening his door, climbing out of the van. We all watch, dumbfounded, as he starts kicking up gravel on the side of the road. I’ve never seen him this mad.
“Is he okay?” I ask Sagan.
Sagan shrugs. “He seemed fine after we were arrested. He even laughed about it.”
Utah opens the driver’s side door and walks around the car. Honor opens the side door to the van and everyone starts climbing out. Once we’re all standing next to the van, my father pauses his assault on the gravel long enough to catch a breath. He waves a hand across all of us.
“You think just because I’m an adult I have it all figured out? You think I’m not allowed to make mistakes?” He’s not yelling, but he certainly isn’t talking with an inside voice. He begins to pace back and forth. “No matter how hard you try, things don’t always turn out the way you wish they could.”
Utah looks agitated. “Well when you make poor choices, things don’t usually turn out to be sunshine and roses, Dad. Maybe you should have thought about that before you cheated on Mom.”
My father takes several steps toward Utah. He rushes him fast enough that Utah walks backward until he’s pressed against the van. “That’s what I’m talking about! You all think you know everything!” My father spins and takes several steps away from us. He brings his hands up to the back of his head and inhales several deep breaths. When he finally turns around, he’s looking directly at me. Sagan puts a reassuring hand against my lower back.
“Do you want to know why the pills you stole were placebo pills?”
I nod, because I’ve been dying to know since I found out.
“She isn’t in pain,” my father says. “Your mother isn’t in pain, she isn’t recovering from cancer. She never even had cancer.” He walks closer to us. “Your mother never had cancer,” he repeats. “Let that sink in.”
I can see Utah’s fists clench as he takes a sudden step toward our father. “You better elaborate because I am five seconds away from punching you.”
My dad laughs halfheartedly and drags a frustrated hand down his face. His hands then fall to his hips. “Your mother . . . she has . . . issues. She’s had issues since the day she was in that car wreck.” He’s not yelling anymore. Now he just looks defeated. “The brain injury . . . it changed her. She hasn’t been the same, and I know you guys didn’t know her before then but . . .” His face contorts and he looks up at the sky like he’s trying to hold back tears. “She was amazing. She was perfect. She was . . . happy.” He faces the other direction so none of us can see him cry. It’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.
I clasp my hand over my mouth and wait for him to gather himself. It’s all I can do.
When he finally does turn around, he doesn’t look any of us in the eye. He stares at the ground. “Watching her change from the woman I fell in love with to someone else entirely was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Harder than trying to take care of three kids under the age of two by myself when her episodes would hit and she’d lie in bed for weeks at a time. It was harder than when she started inventing these illnesses in her head, convincing herself she was dying. Harder than when I had to have her committed, and then lied to you all when I told you she was in the hospital for the cancer she was convinced she had.” He looks up at me and then Honor. He finally rests his eyes on Utah. “She’s not the woman I married. And yes, I know it was terrible of me to get involved with Victoria, but it happened and I can’t take it back. And yes, it’s terrible now when your mother has rare moments of clarity. Because when she does, she realizes what her life has become. What our marriage became. And it’s devastating to both of us. And it’s all I can do to hold her and reassure her that I still love her. That I’ll always love her.” He blows out a shaky breath and wipes his tears away. “Because I do love your mother. I always will. It’s just . . . sometimes things don’t turn out how you want them to. And even though I’m an atheist, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank God that I have a wife who understands that. Victoria has lived the past four and a half years in a house with a woman that I am still in love with. She doesn’t question me when your mother needs me. Victoria doesn’t correct any of you when you insult her and insinuate she’s a homewrecker.” He walks to the van and reaches inside for his jacket. “I’ve never told any of you the truth because I didn’t want any of you to judge your mother. But I didn’t cheat on your mother when she was dying of cancer. She was never dying. She’s not dying now. She’s sick, yes. But not in a way that any of us can help her.” He puts on his jacket and zips it up. “I’m walking home.”
He begins to head away from the van, toward our house that’s still over three miles away. He pauses and faces us again. “All I’ve ever wanted was for you kids to have the opportunity to love a mother like you deserved. To think the world of her. That’s all Victoria’s ever wanted for you.” He starts walking backward. “I just had no idea how much you would all hate me in the process.”
He spins around again and starts walking in the direction of the house. I can hear Honor crying. I even hear Utah crying. I wipe away my own tears and try to inhale a breath that will sustain me for more than two seconds.
I think we’re all in shock. It’s several minutes before any of us move. My father is long out of sight by the time Utah regains his composure enough to speak.
“Get in the van,” he says. He walks around to the driver’s side and climbs in, but none of us move. He honks the horn and then hits the steering wheel. “Get in the damn van!”
Luck takes the front seat and the rest of us climb in the back. Before Sagan even has the door closed, Utah is peeling out, doing a U-turn.
“Where are we going?” Honor asks him.
“We’re going to bury that damn dog with Pastor Brian.”