CHAPTER SIXTEEN
They say the first six months are the hardest after a break up. For me, the pain felt like a deep, dark well that I could always draw from, even when I didn't want to drink. I guess that's why we get thirsty, because it forces us to drink when we don't want to. Much like our sadness forces itself on us when we don't want it to.
For me though, that first three days without my Daddy were the hardest. I couldn't feel much, outside of the sadness that chased me. I would spend most of my time in bed, or on dating apps. I spent all my time trying to get other men to tell me that they thought I was pretty, or desirable, or worth talking to.
But none of those men were him. None of those men were the man I wanted, and the more time I wasted talking to them, the more I realized that it was him who I wanted to talk to. The more I realized that it was him who I wanted a relationship with. The more I tried to get over him, the more I struggled against my own feelings. It was my Daddy who I wanted to be with, nobody else. It was my Daddy who I loved so much, and my Daddy who I thought about before I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning.
If these three days are hard, I thought to myself, then what will the rest of the first week feel like?
In that first week, I was focused on avoiding how I felt. I spent my time doing anything but dealing with those feelings I had, dealing with the sense of rejection and hurt I had that my Daddy wouldn't allow me to grow. All Daddy wanted was for me to sit in this box and be his good little girl.
Personal growth was important, it was something I had to do. Just like a shark, who if they stop moving they die, I couldn't sit back and stop moving. I couldn't fit into a perfect mold. I couldn't be his perfect little girl forever. Now that I was regaining some confidence, I wanted to stand on my own two feet. I felt ready for that in a way I had never felt ready for it in my entire life.
It's one thing to know that your relationship is worth saving, and another to know it needs changing. I might have sold myself as a slave to meet him, but I didn't expect to fall in love. I expected to learn more about this underground society that I had been fantasizing about for years. I yearned to learn more, to acquire more knowledge.
If I sat back and let the knowledge go, and looked at it for what it was, the world of BDSM was an interesting one with a variety of colorful characters. The world of BDSM was like a circus, and these were the players. There were so many players of so many stripes that you could spend your life learning about them.
But what was learning anyway?
Knowledge was important, personal growth more so. I wanted to learn about BDSM, I realized after I took a step back, but I wanted to grow more. I wanted that independence I had never had.
I had sought out this man who was all of these things I thought I wanted, then I had quickly discovered it wasn't what I wanted after all. Perhaps though, it was what I needed, all that structure and someone to push me to do the things I wanted to do anyway.
But through all that time with Daddy, I had been quietly growing and gaining confidence in myself. Being naked on a daily basis made me more comfortable with my body, learning more about this lifestyle I wanted to pursue in books and through conversation with Daddy made me feel more sure of myself and my own decisions. I had decided to pursue this path, and it had been great for a time.
Until it wasn't anymore.
Like all things, change must happen, people must grow.
I realized that I had outgrown the relationship, and that Daddy couldn't keep up. It made me sad to think about how he hadn't been able to grow with me, so all I did with those feelings was push them aside. It was too painful to deal with the reality that it was over, even as I had been the one to run away in the first place (literally, I ran. I ran all the way back home).
For money, I was okay for a while, I figured as I started to research the field I wanted to work in. My days in that first week were spent avoiding thinking about Daddy which meant they started with a head full of thoughts of Daddy, then throughout the day I could distract myself. I went for runs, I got things ready in my life for what was to come. I prepared everything and I was happy.
But I wasn't.
Because no matter how well I did at vanquishing Daddy from my thoughts in the day time, every night I would think of him. When I was warm in my bed, I would remember what it felt like to be warm in his. I would remember just how tightly he held me, and how much I could feel his love for me. I would remember his cuddles, and his love. I would remember everything about my Daddy and it would make me smile.
I loved that man, he meant the world to me, even if I couldn't be with him.
Then one night, on the eighth night away from Daddy, I finally gave in to my own wants. I dialed his number and pressed my phone to my ear. The phone was ringing and I breathed a sigh of relief, already feeling closer to him through that phone, even as he hadn't picked up the phone yet.
When Daddy finally did pick up the phone, I smiled and asked confidently, "Daddy, can I have a tuck in? Just a small one? Very little. Won't take long."
There was silence down the phone. One beat. Two.
"Why are you calling me, baby girl?" Daddy asked.
I hadn't exactly expected the question, or the harshness of his words, but when it came it wasn't a shock to me either. I let out a long breath of air and spoke from the heart, because it was my heart that had been aching inside my chest for days, wanting so badly to come out and say things to my Daddy. "Daddy, I just miss your voice. I want to get my tuck ins before I go to sleep."
Daddy was silent again. I wondered what he was thinking, even as I felt so relived that he had picked up my call and that he wanted to talk to me.
"Girl," Daddy began, "you left me. Now you want to call me for tuck ins - whatever that means to you - is that really fair on me?"
Daddy's words caught me off guard. What did he mean, fair on him? He was the one who told me this relationship wasn't romantic. I rolled my eyes and didn't answer him for a long moment.
Anger boiled inside of me, this man wanted everything his own way. He wanted me to submit to his will and do as he said one moment, then when I wanted more from him, he told me no, that he wouldn't give me want I needed. Daddy wouldn't even give me this small thing. He wanted everything his own way and it stung. I had accepted that things couldn't work already, why must he make this harder for me?
Letting out a heavy breath, I told him, "what do you mean fair on you? You have not been fair on me!"
"What are you talking about girl? I fulfilled my half of the contract. You are the one who ran away and broke contract." He told me.
"Life is not so black and white, Daddy." I told him earnestly. It was true, that life wasn't so black and white. Life couldn't be. If life were black and white, I wouldn't have entered into this arrangement in the first place. Hell, if life was black and white, I wouldn't be able to entertain something like this in the least. I would be able to be his good little baby girl slave forever without ever developing real feelings, or wanting anything real from him.
But I did want things from Daddy, and it was time he saw that and accepted it. As the thought crossed my mind, it also crossed my mind that this really wasn't over. It's not over until the fat lady sings, or in this case, until the princess gets her way.
Daddy hadn't responded to my remark, there was just silence down the phone. I decided to puncture that silence again, "Daddy, you had your way until you didn't. Then I told you things had to change, that I wasn't happy, and you said no. You said no as a slave owner says no, not as a Daddy says no." I told him honestly, although my head was still a mess of thoughts, half-formed thoughts. What I wanted and what I needed was a mess in there, but Daddy seemed to know what he wanted as he confidently answered me.
"Baby girl, I am both a slave owner and a Daddy to you, at all times. I only ever speak to you as what I am." He told me.
"But a Daddy would see what I needed, a Daddy would see that he needed to look after me." I told Daddy honestly. Of course a Daddy would see me for who I was, and he wasn't behaving like a Daddy when he told me who I was.
"I do see what you need." Daddy said before another long silence, I wasn't sure but I thought I heard a sniffle as if he was crying, "you need to be released."
My heart got choked up. Even though I had run away from my Daddy, I didn't want this. I didn't know how I could handle it. It was so final, signed divorce papers. I would never allow it.
Choked up as I was in my heart I managed a very steady answer, "no. No Daddy, I will not."
"You will not what?" Daddy challenged.
"I will not allow you to release me. You are not getting rid of me!" I cried, sad and angry that he was so quick to get rid of me.
"You do not allow, girl. This is a choice I make." He told me. Then, before I had a chance to respond he followed that comment up with, "I will release you from slave-hood, baby girl. Then we will see what happens. I will release you then we will know if this can ever work."
"What?" I asked, shocked. "What did you say?"
One beat, two. I wanted Daddy's response with every fiber of my being in that moment, but he was taking his time. What did he mean? What was going on? Was he saying what I hoped he was saying?
"I will release you, baby girl, then we can see what happens between us. As you wish." Daddy told me.
"So, we can be together?" I asked, my feelings bouncing around inside my body then. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!
"I am not saying that." Daddy told me, "I am only saying that this relationship - this arrangement - is over, and that I want to acknowledge that. I want to let it go. Then, when this relationship is truly over, maybe we can see what is there."
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused, "we can see what is there?"
I could hear Daddy taking a rattled breath, "I mean that I need closure. We both need closure, baby girl. We need this relationship over, before we can see if there is any other relationship there for us."
"Why wouldn't there be any other relationship? What are you talking about?" I asked, confused.
"If this contract is not dissolved, it will be above us forever. We need to work to dissolve it properly, to get our closure, then if these feelings are real..." Daddy trailed off.
But in those words, in that trailing off, there was what I needed to hear, Daddy had feelings for me. Real ones. I had seen them when he came to my home, I knew they were there and they were real. My heart was singing, even as I didn't want it to. The more my heart sung, the more I worried that I would get my hopes up. It sounded like Daddy didn't want that, even as he had his own hopes up. I admired him for that.
"Okay." I agreed, "How do we dissolve a contract then?"
The phone call I had made that was simply supposed to be a before-sleep call had turned into a monumental shift in our relationship. For better or worse, this was a massive pivot that frightened and excited me at the same time.
"I will send someone over to pick you up day after tomorrow, and we can do it then." Daddy told me, and of course, I agreed to his terms and set the date aside. Daddy and I were either opening a new chapter, or permanently closing the book as far as our relationship went. Whatever happened, I felt sure we were doing things the right away.