Chapter 20

“Did you forget some…?”

Her words trailed off as Claire opened the door to see Samuel standing there. Her smile suddenly faded as she scowled at him through the open doorway.

“What are you doing here again, Samuel? How did you know that Harper was gone? Are you stalking me now?” He didn’t deny it, but didn’t answer either.

“Please, Claire. Let me in. I need to talk to you.”

Once again, Claire was struck by how unwell he appeared. His usually tan complexion was almost translucent, with dark circles beneath his eyes and sunken cheeks. He had lost weight. Her resentment told her to send him away, that he had nothing to say that she wanted to hear. His appearance made her think twice. The part of her that had once loved him wanted to know why he looked this way.

“Fine. Come in. Just know that I have a low tolerance for bullshit with you, Samuel.” She stood back and let him inside. “Have a seat.”

“I… I was sitting in my car waiting to see you. I’m sorry. I know that sounds creepy, but you will understand in a minute. First, though, can I use your bathroom?”

She waved her hand silently toward the hallway. He could figure out which door it was on his own. She waited, perplexed, while he took care of whatever his business was in there and then returned to the living room.

“Thank you, Claire. One more thing. Can I get some water? I’m taking some medication that makes my mouth so dry. I drink water constantly and go to the bathroom all the time. It’s my life.”

“Sure.” Claire looked at him, now really wondering what was going on with him.

Claire felt an impending sense of dread at whatever was to come as she grabbed him a bottle of water from the fridge and brought it to him. He never had bothered with a glass before, so she didn’t offer him one now. “So, sit down and tell me what it is you have to say, Samuel.”

“Okay. Claire, you know you were my family when we were together and with you gone, well, I just don’t really have anyone.” He bit his lip for a moment as he seemed to consider his next words.

“Well, that is your fault. I was always there for you. You threw it all away by cheating on me.” She quickly lost any sense of generosity she was feeling toward him as the memories all came pouring forward again.

“You’re right. I made a mistake. I’m sorry. You have no idea how much.” He looked down at his hands, studying them for a few moments before speaking again.

“Listen. Just spit out what you came here to say, Samuel. I have moved on and am losing patience with you already.” Claire knew it sounded harsh and she intended for it to. There was nothing she owed this excuse for a man. The chill in her veins turned to ice as she heard the next words to come from his mouth, freezing her in place and numbing her mind too much to speak.

“I’m dying, Claire. The doctors have diagnosed me with Stage IV pancreatic cancer. There isn’t much they can do except chemo to try to extend how long I have left. I wasn’t going to even consider it, but I’m just not ready yet. I guess I want to be here for as long as I can.”

His eyes darkened a little as tears began to fall down his face. Watching him cry was what finally melted the ice that she felt she had become encased inside and she reached out for him, pulling him against her and holding him for a moment before pulling away and looking at him again.

“I’m sorry, Samuel. I’m so sorry.”

Claire felt like someone had punched her in the stomach. All this tim,e she had despised the very memory of Samuel Watson and now, it felt like a part of her was broken and would never be repaired. She heard her words as if they were coming from someone else.

“I’m here for you, Samuel. I won’t let you go through this alone. What do you need from me?”

“I know this isn’t fair, Claire. I know I’ve put you through hell already, but you are the only one I have to turn to here. You don’t have to come to treatment with me, but if you could maybe help me afterwards for a few hours…just until I feel a little better. They make me so weak and sick and I’m scared to be alone. I know it is asking a lot, especially considering our history.”

He was studying his hands again, tears falling on them as he struggled to regain his composure. It broke her heart to see him like this.

“How long have you been taking them alone, Samuel? And why are you here in New York instead of home?”

No matter what he had done, the thought of him going through them alone cut her to the bone. There was nothing he had done to her that warranted this kind of devastation.

“There are better doctors here in New York, and I thought maybe there was some off-chance. You know? I guess I was, well, I am grabbing at straws. Anyway, I’ve only had three. They get worse as I get weaker. The doctors said it would get worse before it gets better.”

He laughed a little as he made the last statement and brushed away the tears on his face as he looked up at her.

“They have a strange idea of what better means, I’m afraid. Perhaps they should say less intolerable.”

“How long…?” Claire couldn’t finish the thought. It was too hard to say.

“I don’t know. It could be a year. It could only be a few months. Something might fail and it could be tomorrow. There are a lot of variables.”

His eyes filled with tears again. He took a deep breath and bite his lip again to regain control of his emotions.

“Okay. Well, the first thing we need to do is get some meat back on your bones. You’ve lost so much weight.”

Claire tried to be as delicate about his appearance as she could, though she was sure she wasn’t telling him anything he couldn’t see in the mirror.

“I haven’t had much of an appetite, and when I do, I don’t feel much like cooking. I tend to eat a lot of junk food.”

“That’s going to stop. You will eat here and I will make you extra meals that you can pop in the microwave when you are at home so that you are getting proper nutrition. We’ll find a way to beat this. It can’t be hopeless. It can’t.” She was near tears herself.

“Don’t get wound up in false hope, Claire. I’ve given that up and you should, too. I will just be grateful to you if you help me make it to the end, whenever that is.”

“I will. I promise.”

She leaned over and hugged him again, pulling him tightly to her. All of this felt so surreal. They stayed that way for a while before he finally pulled away.

“Come on, let’s go cook you some food,” she told him.

He sat in the kitchen and told her a bit more about his life since they had parted and what the doctors were telling him now as she prepared a quick dish of sautéed frozen vegetables and chicken from her freezer. He ate most of it, as she was still full of her late lunch. They began to say their goodbyes after clearing the dishes to the sink.

“Thank you, Claire. I know that I have no right to come here and burden you with this. I just need your help. I will try not to ask for too much.”

It was the first time he had looked directly into her eyes and she couldn’t help but see how haunted they appeared. They said their goodbyes and she closed the door behind him, the tears falling down her face as she allowed herself to grieve for him.

Claire felt deflated at first, but then found her inner strength. Sitting down in front of her laptop, she began researching nutrition, prognosis and everything else she could find to help Samuel. She was completely unaware how much time had passed until the phone rang.