Ten
It felt strange to be back in New York. Despite Luca’s assurances that he wanted their relationship to continue beyond their time at the beach, Claire was anxious stepping back onto the concrete of her home turf. Her stomach was constantly fluttering like butterflies had invaded. If she thought about it too long, she hovered on the verge of nausea. She wasn’t quite sure what she was afraid of.
That was a lie. She knew exactly what she was afraid of—losing Luca. It was the risk she’d taken when she gave in to her feelings for him. Manhattan didn’t have the cozy charm of the island. Would they really be able to hold this relationship together among the honking cabs, demanding jobs and hectic schedules of real life?
Tonight, she would find out. They’d been home a few days. Today had been her first day back at the museum. Luca had asked her to dinner tonight so they could put together their final custody agreement for Edmund and Stuart to submit to the judge. She was supposed to meet him at his apartment, then they’d go somewhere for dinner when they were through. Daisy was staying late to watch Eva.
Luca’s apartment was just a few blocks from the museum. She walked down the massive steps to head in that direction. It was a nice evening and she wanted to make the most of the pleasant weather. She was actually feeling pretty good tonight.
At least until she caught a whiff of the nearby hot-dog cart. Normally the smell didn’t bother her—sometimes it was even enticing—but tonight it was anything but. She frantically sought out a nearby trash can and emptied the contents of her stomach into it.
When she was through, she straightened and clamped her hand over her nose and mouth. Had she really just done that? She looked around to see if anyone noticed. They had. She was getting more than a few disgusted looks from tourists and locals alike.
A nearby woman reached into her purse and handed Claire a tissue. “I don’t know why they call it morning sickness,” she said. “More like all the damn time sickness. Those hot-dog carts always got me, too. Don’t let those people bother you. When you’re bringing a child into the world, you have the right to puke wherever you need to.”
Claire tried not to frown at the well-meaning woman. There was no sense in dumping her life story on her by arguing that she couldn’t get pregnant. She just accepted the tissue and was thankful that at least one person wasn’t judging her. “Thank you.”
She dashed across the street when the light changed and tried to put as much distance between her and the mess as she could. It wasn’t until she reached the light at the next block that she hesitated and let the woman’s words sink into her head.
Pregnant? She couldn’t possibly be pregnant.
Admittedly, this did feel like morning sickness. When she was pregnant the first time, there had been days when she couldn’t even get out of bed. She lost weight instead of gaining it. She went through a sleeve of saltine crackers a day. The misery of her first trimester was something she’d quickly put out of her mind as the price she paid for Eva, but in the moment it came rushing back with crystal clarity.
She pulled out her phone and looked at her calendar. Doing a little math, she realized that she’d been at the beach over a month and her period was well overdue. But that just had to be a fluke. Yes, as if her public vomiting was a fluke.
Claire crossed the street with the crowd again, feeling more and more anxious with every step. She didn’t know why. It was likely the questionable chicken-salad sandwich she’d had at the museum cafeteria today. There was no way she was pregnant. Even if she could conceive normally and Luca hadn’t had cancer, the condom had only broken once.
Once was all it took. The ominous words of her high-school sex-ed teacher haunted her.
There was no way she could march into Luca’s apartment and act like nothing was wrong while this weighed on her mind. She also didn’t want to bring up the possibility and raise both their hopes only to find out she was just perimenopausal with food poisoning. This was easily dealt with. She needed to buy a pregnancy test, take it and move on with her day without this uncertainty. It was a waste of ten dollars, but it was a small price to pay for peace of mind.
In the drugstore, she sought out the aisle she’d haunted while undergoing all those fertility treatments. She picked up her favorite brand and carried it to the counter. How many of these had she taken over the years? Dozens. Only one had ever come back positive. Tonight was probably not the night for a repeat.
After paying for it, she continued down the block to a Starbucks. It may not be her first choice for where to take a pregnancy test, but she had to know now, before she got to Luca’s. She took it into the women’s restroom, then nervously awaited the results. When the alarm on her phone went off, she finally let herself check the tiny window.
Pregnant.
Claire’s jaw dropped open in surprise and shock. That was impossible. How could she...? It had only... She could barely complete a thought, much less a sentence. Putting the cap on, she slipped the test back into her purse and headed back to the drugstore to buy another one from a different brand, then repeated the test. The screen varied, but the results were the same—two lines instead of one.
Confused, she packed up her things and left. It took another block before the news really started to sink in. She was pregnant. After the years of trying, the tests, the shots, the invasive procedures to conceive Eva...she’d managed to get pregnant accidentally. She had prayed for another baby. Dreamed of it, knowing that the odds of it happening were almost astronomical. And now, if all went well, she was going to have one. Eva would have a brother or sister, and she and Luca would have a second child together. It was a miracle.
The excitement was nearly bubbling out of her as she entered his building and signed in at the desk. When she got off the elevator, she had a huge grin on her face. She couldn’t suppress it as much as she wanted to surprise him with the news.
Luca opened the door. A curious expression came across his face as he looked at her. “Hi. What are you so happy about?” He stepped back to let Claire inside and took her jacket.
“I have some news,” she said. “Let’s sit down first.”
Luca followed her over to the couch where they sat together. She scooped up his hands in hers. “I know that you and I have only been together a short while, and for anyone else, this might be an unwelcome development, but I haven’t been feeling well since we got back. I hadn’t thought much about it, but a lady outside the museum said something today that got me to thinking. On the way over here, I took a pregnancy test...”
Luca stiffened. Those were the last words he expected to come out of her mouth. Sitting up straight, he pulled his hands away from hers. “And?” he forced himself to ask, already knowing the answer. If it was negative she wouldn’t have bothered mentioning it.
She reached into her purse and pulled out two pregnancy tests. “And it came out positive. Both of them. I’m pregnant. I could hardly believe it myself. It must’ve happened when the condom broke that first time.”
Luca took one of the tests from her hand, studying the tiny screen and hoping for the information to change. It was happening again. The dull ache in his gut told him that much. What he didn’t understand was why she would try this. She knew he couldn’t have children. He’d told her that only a few short days ago. “It’s not possible,” he said.
“I know. That’s what I thought. I mean, I would have thought it was impossible, which is why I ignored all the signs. I need to go to the doctor to confirm the results and check on everything, but—”
“No,” he said, interrupting her stream of words. He couldn’t stand to just sit there and listen to her prattle on when he knew in his heart it was all lies. The surprise, the excitement...it all had to be carefully crafted so he’d believe the child was his and not question it.
“What do you mean, no? You told me you wanted a family. Why are you so upset? I’m pregnant, Luca.”
“I’m sure you are.” He got up from his seat and walked out of the living room and into the kitchen. He needed a little space. He could feel the muscles in his neck and jaw tightening. Before too long, he’d have a raging headache.
Claire didn’t take the hint. She followed him through his apartment, a confused frown wrinkling her forehead. “I thought you’d be happy.”
Luca chuckled bitterly and looked down at the pregnancy test in his hand. He’d made that mistake once; he wouldn’t fall for it again. It was a false hope. Instead, he tossed the test into the trash can. “If I was the father, I would be happy. But like I said, that’s impossible.”
Claire froze in place, not quite sure she could believe the words he’d just said. “Luca, you are the father. Who else would it be?”
To be honest, he didn’t really want to consider the possibilities. He was already fighting through this storm of emotions swirling inside him. He didn’t need to add furious jealousy to the list. Luca narrowed his gaze at her. “I have no idea, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the sterile guy in the room.”
“Look, I’m as surprised as you are. Between the two of us and our issues, it never crossed my mind that it could happen, but it did. You are the baby’s father. I’ve spent every day and night of the last month with you. The last man I was with before you died a year ago.”
Luca wanted to believe her. God, he wanted to. Claire had never given him any reason not to believe what she said before. But this story was just too far-fetched. She did a good job seeming sincere, though. “That all sounds good, Claire. You must’ve practiced before you came over.”
She flinched as though his sharp words were a slap across the face. “Practiced? Do you really think I’m making all this up?”
He wanted to say no, that he believed her and was happy, but he couldn’t let himself do it. The anger he’d suppressed over the past decade bubbled inside him. There was no one he could blame for the cancer or the treatments. He couldn’t direct that emotion at anyone. Jessica disappeared when the paternity results came back negative, so he never got to say what he wanted to say to her, either. But in that moment, Claire was a convenient target for the disappointments of his life.
“No,” he replied coolly. “Just the part where I’m the father. What I can’t seem to figure out was where you got the time to sleep with someone else.”
Luca watched Claire’s face turn red and the vein in her forehead start to pulse. “I didn’t need any time!” she shouted. “I didn’t sleep with anyone but you. How could you accuse me of something like that after what happened with Jeff? I would never ever...” Claire’s voice drifted off as though she couldn’t even finish the sentence.
Luca knew that accusing her of having an affair was the lowest of low blows, but what other option was there? This wasn’t a star in the east.
“You know, I’m not Jessica. I understand all that must’ve been awful for you, but don’t take what she did out on me. This is totally different.”
“Is it?” Luca asked. He wanted it to be different, but he wouldn’t allow himself to entertain such a wild fantasy. He and Claire were through. It pained him, but there was no going back now. He needed to make a clean break and send her on her way before things got even uglier than they already were.
“Maybe you’re right,” he agreed with bitterness leeching into his voice. “Jessica was happy with just having one of my children. You’re pushing for two. Wasn’t having one of my kids enough? You had to get more out of me?”
Claire tried not to physically react to his insult. Now she wasn’t just a slut, she was a greedy one? Where had this dark side of Luca hidden over the past few weeks? She thought he was holding back, but she never dreamed that this was what he’d kept from her. “More what? Money? I don’t need your money, Luca.”
His jaw tightened as he looked her over. “Then what’s behind it? Afraid I might leave you once we got home? Did you think having a second miracle child would convince me to marry you so we could have a happily-ever-after?” He crossed his arms over his chest, challenging her to say otherwise.
She wasn’t quite sure how to respond. This whole conversation had gone off the rails and there was no way to recover it. “I will admit that I’d hoped we could have a happily-ever-after with our two children, but there’s no scheming involved. It simply is what it is.”
“Claire, the only thing this is, is over. I knew it was a bad idea to seduce you, but you and your sad eyes and luscious lips convinced me otherwise. I don’t know why I thought that us being together was the best resolution to our situation. Well, no more. You and I are through.”
A sharp pain struck Claire’s chest like Thor’s hammer, radiating outward. She was certain it was the feeling of her heart breaking. How could she have loved a man who could be so cruel? She didn’t really know him at all. All his smooth words and charming smiles had completely disarmed her.
“I thought we really had something special between us, Luca. But if you—” Her voice cracked with emotion as she fought to hold back tears. She didn’t want him to see her cry. “If you are willing to accuse me of something that terrible and then cast me aside so easily, then I was wrong. About everything.”
“I’m sorry to disappoint you.”
His arrogant, ambivalent tone made her angry. It was one thing for him to be so convinced that he didn’t believe her without proof. It was another to be downright cruel. She wasn’t going to let another man treat her like less than she deserved. Luca was the one who taught her that, ironically enough.
Claire gathered up all her nerve, straightening her spine and looking him hard in the eyes like she had that first day at his lawyer’s office. “You’re only disappointing yourself, Luca, because you’re a coward.”
“A coward?” He nearly roared the words at her, but she refused to take a single step back.
Instead, she moved closer. “Yes, a coward. You’re too scared to go to the doctor and find out the truth about your sterility. You’d rather throw away everything we have, accuse me of being a whore and a liar than face the reality of your condition.”
“Why would I be scared to do that? The worst they can tell me is what I already know.”
“No, it’s not. The worst thing they can tell you is that you’ve been wrong all this time. Because then you’d have to come to terms with the fact that you’ve been living half a life for all these years for no reason. You’d know for certain that you wasted over a decade where you could’ve found someone to love and started a family instead of being Mr. Busy CEO all the time. You’ve been hiding behind your desk instead of living your life.”
Luca raised his arm, pointing toward the front door. “You take your venomous lies and get out of here before I call security and have you thrown out.”
“You couldn’t force me to stay one minute longer.” Claire turned on her heel and marched back to the entryway where she scooped up her coat. “Since you’re so certain this child isn’t yours, I’m going to presume that you won’t be dragging me to family court to get custody of this one.”
“Nope,” he snapped. “Not interested.”
Claire tried not to react to his indifference. Not because of herself, but because of her child. She already felt a sense of protectiveness for it. The last thing she wanted was for the baby to feel as if the father didn’t love it from the day they found out he or she existed.
“Fine. Then do me a favor and try not to be interested in Eva, either. If you don’t want both your children, we don’t want or need you in our lives at all,” Claire said.
She flung open the front door and marched out, slamming it behind her with all the Mama Bear fury she could muster. It wasn’t until she’d gotten on the elevator and the doors had safely shut that the anger subsided. With it gone, a rush of tears she couldn’t stop flowed free.
How could she have gotten exactly what she wanted and lost everything she needed at the same time?
* * *
A beam of sunlight came through the window and shone across Luca’s face. It roused him from his uncomfortable position on the leather couch in his living room. After a furious battle with a bottle of Scotch, he’d passed out there the night before.
He pushed himself up to a seated position and winced as the movement sent a sharp pain through his head. Bending over, he clutched his forehead and groaned. It was like a vise was clamped down on his skull, turning tighter with every movement and sound.
As pieces of the night before came back to him, he realized that even the agony of his head was miniscule in comparison to the ache of loss and disappointment that had settled in his chest.
Their angry words echoed in his head. The positive pregnancy test, the hopeful, the devastated, then the angry expressions on Claire’s face, and then the slamming door flipping through his mind like a broken slide projector.
When he finally looked up, he spied the shattered remains of his cell phone. After Claire left, he’d reached for the closest thing he could lay his hands on and chucked it at the closed door of his apartment. He’d felt little satisfaction as his cell phone collided with the door and splintered across the marble entryway floor. Today, on top of everything else, he’d need to contact his assistant and have her order him a new phone.
With a curse, he leaned back against the couch and stared up at the ceiling. He’d lost it last night. That was very unlike him. He was always so in control, but Claire’s betrayal had pushed him over the edge. After she left, all he could hear was his blood rushing through his veins; all he could see was tainted with the red hue of his emotions.
His child! She claimed to be pregnant with his child. Luca could hardly believe it when the words came out of her mouth. Not even the pregnancy test could convince him. How could he trust Claire’s declaration that it was his baby? He couldn’t. Not when he knew that it was impossible.
But did he really know?
As usual, morning and sobriety had brought everything into question. Not even the Scotch could drive Claire’s words from his mind. She’d called him a coward because he hadn’t been tested in all these years. He’d never really looked at it that way. Why did getting a slip of paper from the lab make a difference? It was just the final nail in the coffin he couldn’t bear to seal. The radiation treatments destroyed his chances of fathering a child. End of story. It didn’t matter how much he might want another child or how badly he wanted to believe her.
She had to know that he wanted another child. There was no other reason why she would come to him with a story like that. She’d found his weakness and did her best to exploit it.
Even as the thought rolled around in his foggy, hung-over brain, Luca knew it was wrong. Everything he’d said or done last night was contrary to what he knew to be true about Claire. It was like a monster had been unleashed inside him the moment she tested his beliefs. Once it got out, there was no stopping the flow of vile words from his mouth.
Disgusted with himself, he pushed up from the couch and stumbled into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. That would help clear his thoughts, even if he feared it would make him realize his actions last night were that much more despicable.
He busied himself with his chore and sat down at the breakfast bar. Staring at the tile backsplash, he remembered the topic of Jessica coming up. He had tried and tried to put that whole situation out of his mind. That was why he hadn’t told Claire about it at first. Of course, his mother didn’t have any problem with sharing. Had the story his mother told her inspired Claire to come up with the lie about the baby? Or had the past simply poisoned his view of the present?
One thing he knew was that Claire was right when she said she wasn’t Jessica. He knew that even as he accused otherwise. The two women were nothing alike. Jessica had been smart, but ambitious. They’d been compatible in bed, but he knew she wanted more. He’d wanted it, too, at first, but reality sunk in and he realized he’d never give her the family she wanted. So he’d retreated. “More” wasn’t on the table. He ignored her texts and calls for a few months and finally she faded from his life. Until she showed up at the door very pregnant with “his” baby.
In the end, it had all been a hurtful lie. She wanted Luca back, wanted him to marry her. Apparently she wanted it badly enough to poke holes in all the condoms they used together, not knowing he was sterile. When that didn’t work, she deliberately got pregnant by an Italian guy she met at a bar right after they broke up in the hopes she could pass it off as Luca’s. It was incomprehensible. He never would’ve thought Claire would stoop to Jessica’s level.
That’s when the sobering thought crossed his mind—she wouldn’t.
Claire believed what she was saying, whether it was true or not. But Claire had also told him she hadn’t been with a man since Jeff. That didn’t leave a lot of options, although it certainly explained the confused and betrayed look on her face when he rejected the idea of the baby being his.
He couldn’t help it, though. That baby couldn’t be his. It just couldn’t.
But if it was...he’d made a huge, inexcusable and maybe unforgivable mistake.