I lean against Carter, still upset from my encounter with Hunter. I don’t know why I can’t be the confident woman I usually am around Carter’s sons. I stopped taking shit from other people a long time ago, but with them… I want them to like me. What future could my relationship with Carter have if his kids can’t stand me? When push comes to shove, he’ll always choose them over me.

But I love him. And I don’t want to lose him. He’s a great man, and he loves me, too.

“Mmm, you’re such a snuggle bug this morning,” he whispers, pulling me closer. I turn my face toward him, getting up on my tiptoes a little. He smiles lovingly, pressing his lips against mine.

When we break away, he brushes my cheek. “What are you making?”

“I was thinking bacon and eggs, pancakes, and fruit salad. Sound all right?”

“Oh, yes. But you do know this is going to make them expect this every day, right?” He lightly smacks my behind and goes to get a mug out of the cupboard. He pours himself some coffee and proceeds to watch me make pancakes and eggs. I put the bacon in the microwave so it gets crispy without producing a greasy mess.

A few minutes later, Carey comes downstairs. “Hey, son,” Carter greets him brightly.

“Hey, Dad,” he says before giving me a slightly sour look and mumbling, “Hey, Mackenzie.”

“Good morning,” I say happily. “What would you like to drink? Coffee? Orange juice?”

He gives me an irritated look. “Coffee.”

I get a mug from the cupboard and pour him some coffee. “Milk? Sugar?”

He shakes his head, mumbling a thank you—or at least that’s what I make of it.

He sits down beside Carter on one of the stools at the kitchen island and quietly sips his coffee. You can literally see him slowly waking up.

“You were back before midnight. I’m impressed,” Carter says, tousling his son’s hair.

“Dad, my hair!” Carey shakes him off. Though I don’t think his blond hair has even seen a brush today.

“Oh, excuse me!” Carter says mockingly. “What are your plans for today? And where’d Hunter go?”

“He’s out running. We’re going to the beach with Fisher and some of the others.”

“The beach. Sounds good.” Carter looks at me. “What do you think, sweetie?” Carey looks at him in shock, and Carter adds, “Oh, don’t you worry, son, we’ll go to a different spot.”

Relief spreads across Carey’s face, and I quickly turn away so they can’t see my smile. Retrieving some dishes from the cupboard, I set the table on the outside porch and take the food out there.

Carey and Carter sit and start digging in.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Hunter?” I ask.

The two of them shake their heads. “He could be gone for hours,” Carey says, his mouth full of chewed-up pancake.

Okay, so it’s no manners today then, I think, piling my own plate with eggs and fruit salad. And a strip of bacon. Okay, maybe five…

“Did you talk to Mom?” Carey asks his dad. He wants to look cool, but at the moment, he looks just like the boy he really is.

Carter swallows his food before he revealing, “I did. She agreed on one condition… She wants more alimony.”

I frown. That doesn’t make sense. Why should she get more money if their sons are no longer going to live with her?

“Are you going to give it to her?” Carey asks, sounding insecure.

Carter puts a hand on his son’s shoulder. “Of course. I’m not forcing you to stay in Miami if you don’t want to be there.”

Carey looks relieved. He starts to say something, then looks over at me. I understand. He doesn’t want to say it in front of me. “I’m going to get more coffee. Anybody else want more?” They both nod, and I go back to the kitchen, where I dawdle, bustling around for a few minutes. When I can’t pretend any longer, I go back out, coffee pot in hand.

They’re on a new subject now. Video games? Cars? I can’t tell, but they’re engrossed in their discussion. “Mac plays too, sometimes,” Carter says. I give him a questioning look. “Video games.”

I wave it off. “Just Super Mario.”

“That’s so old,” Carey comments.

I nod. “When I was your age, it was cutting-edge stuff.”

“When was that?” Carey asks. “Yesterday?”

I smile. A joke. It’s a good start, right? Maybe there’s still hope with him.

“A little longer than that,” I say.

Carter adds, “Yeah. She’s not that young.”

Carey gives us a cheeky smile. “So when are you buying that Porsche, Dad?”

His dad looks irritated. “What? Why would I buy a Porsche?”

“No reason,” Carey says nonchalantly, but he throws me a look that makes all my hopes crumble to dust. He still hates me. And probably always will.

I swallow, trying not to show how much it hurts, and at that precise moment, Hunter barges through the gate into the backyard, all sweaty.

“Any breakfast left?” he asks, sitting down in the free seat.

“Err”—I look around at the demolished plates—“yep. Pancakes.” I hand him the lone plate with food still on it.

“Any bacon and eggs?” he asks.

I stare at the two empty plates. “There’s some left inside.” I jump up. Carter tries to hold me back, but for some reason I’m not ready to interrupt my masochistic journey for the boys’ affection just yet.

In the kitchen, I crack some more eggs in the pan and put more bacon in the microwave. When it’s done, I pile everything on a plate, pour him a glass of orange juice, and go back outside.

Carter looks at me accusingly. “Did you just make him more eggs?”

All three of them look up at me—Carter incredulously, Carey condescendingly, and Hunter… I have no idea how to read his expression. He knows how to completely erase human emotion from his features, putting in its place a blank mask. Silent, I put the plate and glass down in front of him. He mumbles a thank you and inhales the food.

Carter grabs my hand, stroking my knuckles. “He’s capable of making his own breakfast, you know.”

“No problem.” I wave it off, suddenly very interested in the fabric of my shorts.

Inside, the phone rings, and Carter gets up. Once he’s inside, Carey gives me an icy look. “No use trying to suck up to us, beast.”

“Carey,” Hunter says warningly.

I wonder why he’s suddenly defending me. What caused the sudden change of heart? Carey seems to be wondering the same thing. “What?” he asks his brother.

Hunter leans back and downs his orange juice, keeping his eyes on me the whole time. “That tactic doesn’t work on someone like her.”

An evil grin spreads on Carey’s face. “Then what do you suggest?”

I don’t like where this conversation is heading. And, once again, I don’t stand up for myself. Everything inside me wants to show them that they can’t keep pushing me around, but a knot in my throat prevents the words from forming and my lips are glued together, refusing to move.

Instead, I get up, clear the table, and escape to the kitchen, leaving their mean words behind me. They just love seeing me weak…

Angry tears rise up inside me, but I shake my head. I’m not going to let them get to me. That’s not me. I’ve left that behind. The feeling of not being good enough. The idea that it’s all my fault. The knowledge that I couldn’t protect my sister.

Dumping the dishes in the sink, I run up to the bedroom to get my gym clothes. On the way out, I open the door to Carter’s office and tell him I’m off to the gym. He nods before returning to his call. I head out front and hop into my car. It’s pink and makes me happy. Just not right now.

Turning up the music—Linkin Park—I whizz over to the gym.

“Hey, Mac,” Shane calls as I enter the building. “I didn’t know you were coming in today.”

“I wasn’t going to, but I need to let off some steam.”

He nods. He knows what I mean, because he knows the demons living inside me that I keep wrestling down.

I moved to San Diego when I was eighteen. With a scholarship to the university, I was ecstatic to get out of my tiny town in Iowa. A place that held no good memories. I was so angry with everything—the people, my life, my story. I used to freak out for absolutely no reason—just because life was so unfair. In San Diego, I longed for company, but whenever somebody was interested in me, I pushed them away. Even after I started my awesome new life in California, I was just as lonely as I’d been in the middle of nowhere.

One afternoon, I’d passed by Shane’s gym. From the outside, I couldn’t tell what it was. The sign above the door read: Free at Last. The words reverberated somewhere deep inside me. This was exactly what I wanted. Freedom. I wanted to leave behind all the shit I had been through and start living for real. I wanted to stop being my own shadow, an empty shell, and start being a normal eighteen-year-old.

So I rang the doorbell, and Shane answered. He smiled at me, invited me in, and told me the story behind the sign. This was a gym, but not for the usual muscle bros checking themselves out in the mirror as they swing around way-too-heavy dumbbells. This was a women’s gym. It wasn’t just about fitness but also empowerment, about giving a new life to women who’d been through hell. Giving new life through exercise and therapy. They employed both trainers and therapists.

This was a huge opportunity for me. I learned to channel my aggression through boxing and, for the first time, talked about everything that had happened. It took a while, but eventually, all the anger inside me disappeared. The dust settled. I finally understood that it was not my fault, that I had not done anything to deserve what happened to me.

After a year of studying and frequenting the gym, I decided to change my major. That’s what led me to where I am today.

Today, I’m a therapist at this gym. I want to help other women. I want to give something back. I want to pass on what Shane did for me. Without him, I don’t know where I’d be.

Like usual, I get changed and enter the big main room.

“Jean is about to start his kick-boxing class if you’re interested,” Shane says behind me.

“Do I get to kick his ass?” I joke.

“Knock yourself out.” Shane laughs quietly. “But if you break your wrist because you hit a man made of steel, it’s not considered a work-related accident!”

Grinning, I look over at Jean, who’s headed over to us. He hugs me hello, having to bend down in order to do so. He’s six-foot-seven and weighs 265 pounds. In other words: he’s a mountain of a man. And a former MMA fighter. In the beginning, I was a bit scared of him, but he’s a real sweetheart. Like all coaches and therapists, he believes in what he’s doing here. His own wife was at a bar with friends one day when someone roofied her drink and raped her. The rapists were never caught. When Jean realized he couldn’t help her get over it, he tried to find something that could. And that’s how he met Shane.

Jean brought Sheila here, and after the program helped her, he offered to give classes himself. Today, he’s a full-time coach, and Sheila works reception. They’re just one of the success stories Free at Last has written over the years. And I really mean both of them, because Jean was a wreck, too. He kept blaming himself for not protecting his wife, for not being able to avenge her rapists, for not being able to help her get better. That’s what finally made me realize one important thing: rape affects more people than the victims. It affects all those who love them, too. Especially the husbands, fiancés, and boyfriends.

In our society, men are told it is their responsibility to protect their women. If they don’t, they’re losers. Sometimes it’s difficult for them to accept that there’s nothing they can do. But how can you protect someone if you’re not even there? And what’s the solution? Round-the-clock security? I don’t know, but I do know Jean and Sheila are a success story. Sheila found a way not to let the experience define who she is, and Jean learned that it wasn’t his fault.

“Are you joining my class?” he asks me now.

“My chance to kick your ass?” I joke. “How could I say no?”

He laughs. “I’m not sure you can get your leg up that high, shortie.”

“Hey,” I say, playfully hitting his shoulder. “I’m not that short.”

Sheila laughs behind me. “No, sweetheart, it’s not you. This man is just ridiculously tall.”

She snuggles up to his side, and he puts his beefy arm around her. They’re a picture-perfect couple. When I say, “Awwww,” Jean’s grin turns feral.

I raise both hands defensively. “Hey, it’s not my fault the two of you are so cute together.”

“Who you callin’ cute?” Jean growls. “Now you’re gonna do fifty pushups, and don’t even try getting away with that ridiculous women’s version.”

“Sir, yes, sir!” I salute.

He grins and kisses his wife before following me into the training room.

Jean keeps his promise and makes me do fifty pushups with everybody else standing around me. Thanks a lot, Jean! But it’s good to have them cheering, helping me get through the ordeal, even if my arms are gradually turning to Jell-O and my muscles are trembling. Counting diligently, the others break out into cheers and whistles when I finally break down on the floor. Laughing, Jean drags me up.

“Good job, shortie. Now let’s get started.”

He makes us do endless combinations of kicks and punches, changing back and forth between theory and practice. Today, we’re doing mostly legwork, and I think it’s because he knows my arms are exhausted. Thankfully, he also doesn’t say anything when I execute my punches with half their usual force.

After class, I get on the treadmill. My original plan was just to let off some steam doing punches, but my arms won’t let me. The next best option is running from my rage. Faster and faster.

When I step off the treadmill, I feel better. I take a shower in the locker room and feel like myself again. After hugging my friends and coworkers goodbye, I leave to go back to a house that doesn’t feel like home anymore.

When I get there, Carter is just coming down the stairs.

“Hey, sweetie, want to go to the beach?” he asks, kissing me on the lips. I kiss him back, the outline of my body melting into his. He grins, firmly wrapping his arms around me.

“Mmm, I like this,” I mumble as he starts kissing my neck.

He laughs and pulls away. “Beach?”

Thinking of spending the day on the beach with Carter is bliss. So I nod, gather my things, and join him in his car. We don’t live right beside the water, but close enough I could make it there every day if I wanted to. There’s a light breeze down by the water, but mainly it’s just hot in the sun. We spread out our towels and take turns putting sunscreen on each other’s backs. Carter doesn’t like the water as much as I do, so I get in on my own.

It’s so refreshing and calming, the waves lightly lapping on the shore. It’s not prime swimming temperature, probably no more than 70 degrees at the moment, but if you don’t mind a little chill, the California water’s okay for a dip. I swim out a bit and float on my back, so blissfully happy we live so close to the ocean.

As I get out of the water, I see Carey and Hunter on the beach with their father.

Pop goes my bubble.