Chapter Six
Colin stared at Beverly for a moment, in absolute disbelief. “You what?”
The look on his face told Beverly she’d been wrong. He wasn’t going to automatically love the baby. “I’m pregnant. I found out last week that I’m having a little girl.”
His hands clenched under the table. “Exactly how long have you known you were pregnant?”
“Since mid-October. I kept waiting for the right time to tell you…but it never came. I’m already seeing huge differences in my body, so I couldn’t hide it any longer.” She frowned, feeling ready to cry at any moment. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away. I just didn’t know how.”
He forced himself to take deep breaths to keep his anger down. “Have you talked to an adoption agency yet?”
She blinked at him. “Adoption agency?”
“Part of our agreement—before we ever married—was that there would be no children. I specifically asked Dr. Lachele if she’d talked to you about it, and she said she had.” He shook his head, looking at her accusingly. “You told me you couldn’t get pregnant.”
“My doctor told me that! The doctor here just said that doctors are wrong sometimes.” She looked down at her delicious breakfast, unable to eat another bite. “I was as shocked as you are.”
“But you still haven’t talked to an adoption agency? What are you planning to do with it?”
“It? I told you it’s a her. I’m planning to love her. Everything inside me is screaming at the very idea that I’d have to get rid of her!”
He stood up, walking away from the table and turning his back on her. “This feels like the worst kind of betrayal. You made me feel like you didn’t want children either.”
She sighed, feel the tears she’d managed to hold at bay start to silently fall. “I was resigned to the fact that I couldn’t have children. When you didn’t want them, it made it easier for me. This was not intentional.”
“I don’t want a child. I don’t care if it’s a girl, a boy, or a Martian. I’d have taken a dog, but not a human.” He turned to her, his face full of a mixture of anger and sadness. “I don’t know how we’re going to get past this.”
“I don’t either. I never intended to get pregnant, but I love this baby already. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to give it away. If you want me to go, I will.”
She couldn’t imagine life without him either, but if that’s what he wanted, there was nothing she could do about it.
Colin frowned. “I don’t want you to go, but I don’t want to be a father. Let me get back to you on that.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back in a few hours.” He went into the bedroom and put on a hat, snowshoes, gloves, and his winter coat he wore when he was out all day in the cold.
“Be careful,” she said as she watched him go. In that moment, she knew she was spending the rest of her life alone. There was no way anything else was going to happen. He didn’t want her child, and she didn’t want anything more than the baby. They were at an impasse, and it was one they’d never be able to resolve.
He nodded, his eyes not meeting hers. He needed time away from her at the moment. He loved her, and he’d trusted her. And she was pregnant. He shut the door behind him, walking blindly out into the new fallen snow. For the first time ever, he couldn’t even appreciate the beauty that was the Alaskan winter.
As soon as he was gone, Beverly hurried around the house, removing every single Christmas decoration. Her favorite holiday, and it was in ruins. She should have known better than telling him on Christmas. What was she thinking?
While she worked, she talked to the baby, who was very real to her now. She was choosing the baby over her marriage, so the child had better be real. “This ornament was one your grandpa gave me when I was just a little girl. Someday, I’m going to give it to you.” She took an Advent calendar off the wall. “This is a calendar your grandma gave me when I was small. I always loved to count down to Christmas starting in September, but she could never find one that lasted for four months.”
“I’m sorry your daddy doesn’t want you,” Beverly said as she washed the breakfast dishes and put them away. “It’s okay though, because I love you with everything inside me. We’re going to be a team, and we’re going to be happy together. I’d do anything for you. I hope you know that.”
The more she put away the Christmas decorations, the more resolved she was. This baby was hers, and nothing was going to keep her from loving her for the rest of her life. “What should I call you? I was thinking Colleen, because it’s close to Colin, but that may be the only thing you ever have to do with your father. I really think he’s going to kick us out as soon as you’re born…Well, as soon as we’ve been married a year. He’d probably kick me out now, but he signed a contract saying we’d live together for at least a year.” She sighed. “He also told me he loved me just this morning. I’m sure he wishes he could take those words back, but he can’t. I know he loves me. But I also know there’s no way he can love me half as much as I love you. If he did, he wouldn’t be acting like I’ve hit him over the head with a baseball bat, just because I love you so much.”
By noon, she had the house completely devoid of Christmas. The gifts she’d lovingly made and wrapped for Colin were still in the corner where the Christmas tree had been, and she hadn’t touched her own gifts. Why would she want a gift from a man who was rejecting her for something she couldn’t really control? Sure, she could put the baby up for adoption, but it truly wasn’t in her to do so. He had to know that about her by now. If he loved her, didn’t he love that part of her as well?
Beverly wished that she felt like she could call Lachele, but she wouldn’t do it on Christmas Day. She’d wait a few days, and hopefully things would be better between her and Colin by then, but she had a feeling they wouldn’t. Her pregnancy and love for the child she carried was going to kill her marriage.
She could always move back to New York, but what waited for her there? Nothing that she could think of. No, she’d stay in Healy. Surely there was a little house she could buy there, and then she could torment herself by seeing Colin on occasion.
She made a thick, hearty soup for lunch, knowing that Colin was going to be hungry when he got back from his walk. Unless he intruded on one of the other rangers’ Christmas, he would be starving and cold. She sat down and ate alone, not waiting for him, because she had no idea when he’d be back. Whatever happened, she had to keep her calorie count up for the baby. More chocolate would be very nice at the moment!
She washed the dish and spoon she’d dirtied and put them away. Turning the soup to simmer, so he could eat when he got home, she went into their bedroom. Would he even want her sleeping there any longer? She had no way of knowing. For now, she wasn’t going to move all her things to the spare room, but if it’s what he wanted when he arrived home, she’d do exactly that. She would be as accommodating as possible and take the high road. They had to live together for seven more months…There was no reason to do it in anger.
She slipped under the mound of quilts on the bed and snuggled onto her left side, which is how the doctor told her he wanted her sleeping. She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, one arm curved protectively over her belly. No one was going to tell her she couldn’t keep her baby. No one.
*****
Colin walked and walked. Everywhere he looked, there was beauty. There was nowhere as lovely as Alaska in the winter…or summer, spring, or fall for that matter. It was the most beautiful place on earth. Anytime he got upset about something, he walked, because it always made him feel better.
He didn’t know where he was going, so he simply trudged ahead. He simply couldn’t understand how a woman whom he knew loved him, wasn’t willing to give in to this one thing. He hadn’t asked her to abort the baby, as many men in his position would have done. No, he’d asked her to put the baby with loving parents who would have cared for it.
He kept to the trail because it was safer. The area around him was truly a wilderness yet, and no one should be out alone without some kind of protection. He hadn’t thought of anything but bundling up and getting out, though. How could she do this to him? They’d agreed no children! If she was telling the truth and believed she’d not be able to conceive, then maybe he could understand the mistake, but not giving the baby up for adoption? That was the ultimate slap in the face.
What was he supposed to do now? He had signed a contract to stay with her for the next seven months at least, but the baby would be born before that. How far along had she said she was? Had she said? As soon as she mentioned pregnancy, he’d seen red.
The logical thing to do was probably let her live there until their year was up, and then they would separate. He sighed. He really didn’t want to let her go! He loved her, and he wanted them to be able to work this out, but how could they? She was being stubborn and unreasonable. Thinking back over their five months together, he knew that this was the first time she’d ever refused to do as he asked. Or refused to change her plans to suit him.
He shook his head. It must be really important to her to keep the baby. But where did that leave him?
He walked back into the house at just after one and stopped short. She’d taken down every bit of Christmas decorations, leaving a pile of gifts in the corner. That was a lot of work, and it had been done quickly. He was always amazed at what a hard worker Beverly was. He wasn’t sure he’d ever met someone who worked quite as hard as her when they weren’t being paid.
He followed his nose to the kitchen, finding a big pot of a hearty soup. He got down a soup bowl and served himself a bowl, wondering where she’d gotten to. Her SUV was still in the driveway, so he knew she had to be home. Probably napping. Was that why she was suddenly napping every day? Because of the baby? He’d have to find out how the pregnancy was affecting her. Not wanting the baby didn’t make him magically hate her. He still loved her. She bent over backwards to take care of him, and he couldn’t complain about that at all.
When he had finished his lunch, he set the bowl and spoon in the sink, settling on the couch to wait for her. He still wanted her to open the gifts he’d gotten her, and he still wanted to spend the day with her. Maybe they could avoid talking about the baby for a while, and go on as they had been.
When Beverly woke from her nap, she immediately used the bathroom, before walking into the living room to find Colin sitting in silence. It was very unlike him not to have at least the television on. He rarely watched it, but he liked the noise it provided.
She stood for a moment in the doorway, wondering if he wanted her in there with him. He’d seemed so angry earlier, she just had no idea what to expect.
He patted the seat beside him on the couch, and she walked over to sit close to him. He put his arm around her and stroked her arm. “How are you feeling? I should have asked that first thing, and I’m sorry I didn’t.”
She shrugged. “I had some dizzy spells back in October, which is why I went to the doctor in the first place. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me, and pregnancy hadn’t even occurred to me. I thought I was having a delayed reaction to the altitude.”
“And now?”
“I’m doing better, really. I’m tired, and I need to pee all the time, but other than that, I’m fine. I’m sure as I get bigger, things will be harder for me, but for now, I’m doing all right.” She watched him as she described her physical state. Did this mean he was now fine with the baby?
“I walked a lot. Miles of trail. I thought a lot too. Is it possible for us to go on as if nothing is wrong? We can make a decision later, when we are forced to, but for now, I want to keep living with the woman I love and be happy. Is that too much to ask?”
Beverly thought about his offer. “Are you asking me not to talk about how I’m feeling during that time?”
“Not at all. I want to know how you feel. I just don’t want to know much about the baby for now. I have to get used to the idea.”
“Can I turn our spare room into a room for the baby?”
“A room for a baby with a freezer in it? That will be weird.”
“It will, but it’s the room we’ve got, and I need a place to put all the things I’m making for her.”
He considered it for a moment, before nodding. “Yes, you can turn that into a nursery.”
“Thank you!” Maybe he would come around after all. She certainly hoped so.
“Why did you remove all of Christmas from our home? You told me you’d probably leave it up until the end of January.”
“I felt like I had to. I don’t want Christmas spoiled for any reason, and if I remember the day we had our first real fight as Christmas Day, then I might have a problem still loving it like I do.”
“I can understand that. I still want you to open my gifts.” He hadn’t had anyone to buy for at Christmas time for a whole lot of years. His parents had died when he was in his early twenties, and he’d never had siblings. He’d looked forward to this Christmas almost as much as she had.
She nodded. “I’d like that. And you’ll open mine?”
“I will.” He got down on the floor and took the pile of presents there, carefully dividing them between them. He moved back beside her, and nudged her with his elbow. “You first!”
“All right, I’ll go first, but then I want to take turns. I want to see your face when you open some of these things!”
He looked at the things she had, and picked a small box from the pile. “This one first.”
Beverly looked down at the neatly wrapped box, surprised he was so good at wrapping. “Beautiful wrapping job.”
“I ordered it gift wrapped. You deserve to have a prettier present than I could possibly make happen on my own.”
She grinned, not at all surprised by Colin’s confession. “Well, it’s gorgeous no matter who wrapped it.” She carefully unwrapped it, trying not to rip the paper. She wasn’t one of those women who saved all wrapping paper, but she liked to prolong the pleasure of opening something. When she had liberated the box from its wrapping paper, she was no wiser as to what it was. It was now a plain cardboard box. Opening the box, she pulled out a beautiful ornament with two moose gazing into each other’s eyes. It said, “Our first Christmas, 2017. Beverly and Colin.”
She had tears in her eyes as she looked at him. “I love it!”
He pulled her toward him and kissed her forehead. “Me too. And it’s our first Christmas. Not our last.”
Her heart skipped a beat at his words. Maybe he’d let her stay after all. “Now you!”
He picked up one of the packages she’d wrapped for him and unwrapped it quickly, sending paper flying in every direction. She had to laugh at his enthusiasm. He held up the quilt she’d made. It had alternating brown and moose on a blue background blocks, and she’d tied it with a blue string. He’d never seen a quilt quite like that. “It’s a tie quilt. I thought it would be nice to use here in the living room while you’re watching TV.”
“I love it!” He leaned down kissing her softly. Maybe their day hadn’t started well, but it was going to end well. She had every right to enjoy her favorite holiday, and he could worry about the baby tomorrow.