Chapter Thirty-One
Summer
Deena was the best of the best and she’d seen something promising in me and that meant a lot. It meant I could get back into doing what I loved, what I’d always wanted to do. But then, there was Springhill Ranch and, more pointedly, Jake.
I took a deep breath as I thought about my options. As far as Springhill went, I wasn’t sure how many options I really had. It wasn’t like Brady had promised me anything beyond the summer. For all I knew, maybe he wanted to get rid of me?
As badly as I wanted—as desperately as I needed—to go with Deena, to get back to that life that I loved, I wasn’t the same person anymore either. I was some strange version of my former self mixed with a new and, in my mind, improved version of myself. And now that I’d spent so much time becoming a different version of myself, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to being the old me. I liked the changes I’d seen in myself. I liked the fact that so much more mattered to me now than it used to.
My feet slowed and I deviated from the house and wandered out to the cattle pens. Everyone was up at the house and I needed some time alone. I paused at the first pen, full of yearlings, their chocolate coats shimmering in the fall sun. One came close and sniffed me with his snot-covered nose. I patted the thick curls on his forehead. The old me never would have touched a cow, but now I understood their personalities and their simple contentment. And I loved them for it.
A sharp noise startled us and the cows scattered. I looked up and found Jake at the far end of the fence, banging on a bent gate with a hammer. My heart twisted. I didn’t know what to say to him, but I walked over anyway.
“Hey.”
He hit the fence two more times, then let the hammer fall to his side. “Hey.”
I stepped closer and put my hand on his arm. He still didn’t look at me. “So, it looks like you and Deena have known each other for a while?” I asked, trying to sound casually curious but I only ended up sounding jealous—which was exactly how I felt.
“Yeah, she’s been coming here for a few years,” he answered without looking up at me. I was trying to read his body language and his words to gauge what she meant to him but I couldn’t read him at all.
“Oh,” I answered, wondering how I could ask him the question that I was dying to ask him. “She’s a pretty woman,” I started. Granted, she also looked like she was at least five years older than him but I didn’t want to sound petty. Especially because there was a good chance she was going to be my new boss. Well, unless of course she found out about Jake and me and then maybe she’d rescind her offer as quickly as she’d offered it.
“Yep,” he answered, his full attention reserved for the hammer and nail.
“And she seems to be very fond of you,” I continued.
Finally, he looked at me. “Are you going to continue to fish or are you just going to ask me directly if anything is or was going on between Deena and me?”
I was taken aback by the anger in his eyes and the tone of his voice. “Well, it’s not any of my business,” I started as I took a step back and swallowed hard.
“No, it isn’t, especially considering we aren’t anything,” he answered as he dropped his attention back to fixing the gate. “But you’re curious all the same.”
“Yes,” I answered, flinching at his choice of words. We were something but we were something that wasn’t going to last, something that couldn’t last. Not that I was going to point that out to him—especially since he seemed to be in a shitty mood to begin with.
“There’s nothing between Deena and me,” he said. “We had a fling years ago and maybe that’s the reason she keeps coming back but my affections don’t lean that way.”
“Oh.”
“Any other questions?” he asked, scowling at me again.
“Why are you so angry?”
“Because I can’t figure out why you even care if something’s going on between Deena and me.”
“What?” I asked, hardly able to believe my ears. “How can you even think that? Or say it, for that matter?”
“You’re leaving and it’s not like you and I were ever anything anyway, other than fuck buddies.”
I swallowed hard and immediately backed away. “Well, nice to know that’s how you think of me.”
“It’s not how I think of you,” he answered as he took a step toward me and towered over me, his eyes angry. “But I’m pretty convinced it’s how you think of me and I can’t say I like it… at all.”
“I don’t and never have thought of you in those terms,” I spat back at him, folding my arms across my chest as I glared up at him. “And I would never think of you that way either.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” he answered as I started to get angry myself. I took a step closer to him.
“What’s gotten into you?” I demanded as I narrowed my eyes up at him and held my chin in a defiant way.
“Me?” he asked with a faux laugh like this was all some big joke. “What’s gotten into you? You’ve been riding the fence with me this whole time.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means that you love it when I’m giving it to you but that’s about it.”
“When you’re giving it to me?” I repeated with a frown. “Really?”
“Yeah, I can read you like a book. You like having sex with me but that’s it. Anything more than that and you don’t think I’m worthy of you.”
“That’s a total load of,” I started but he interrupted me.
“Then, when someone happens to show interest in me, you’re suddenly acting like a jealous girlfriend.” He spat the words at me. “Are you in or are you out, Summer? Gotta make up your fucking mind because you can’t have it both ways!”
“That’s what you think?” I demanded as he nodded at me. “That I’m just using you for sex because I think I’m out of your league?”
“Well, it seems like that’s exactly what’s going on here, doesn’t it?” he responded.
“Maybe you’re just used to women fawning all over you and you being the one to call all the shots so because I’m not allowing you to just use me, I’m the bad guy!” The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“I don’t use anyone,” he corrected me. “If anyone is being used in this situation, it’s me.”
“That is completely untrue.”
“Is it?” he asked with another trite laugh. “What did you come over to talk to me about anyway?” he asked, changing the subject. “I figure you want to tell me you’re leaving?”
“That’s not why I came over.”
“But you are, right?” There was pain and hurt in his eyes.
I sighed and turned, leaning against the gate. “That was always the plan, Jake, you know that. I came here for a summer job and the summer is almost over.”
He tossed the hammer in the dirt and jammed his hands in his back pockets. “Yes, that was always the plan.”
“I may never get another chance to chase this dream—to truly grab it with both hands and give it my absolute best shot. And Deena thinks I’m good enough.” I shook my head and grabbed both his arms. “I have to do this, Jake. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.”
“I get it,” he answered with a quick nod that said he was still upset.
I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. “You have a life here,” I started, wanting him to understand where I was coming from. “Brady’s letting you work on your herd. You have a future here, Jake. I don’t.”
“I guess I thought...” But he was interrupted by Rue when she called us both in for dinner. “See you up there,” he said as he turned on his heel and strode away.
I wandered through the barn, past the house, and ended up in the hay barn. I climbed to the top of the sweet-smelling stack and sat on the end where I could see the rolling pastures and the base of the mountain. I loved it here. I really did.
And Jake? Did I love him?
I was beginning to think I did.
But you don’t even know what love is! I yelled at myself. How would you know you’re in love with him when you have no experience with men at all?
I did know that I loved the way he made me feel. I loved who I was when I was around him. But I was also facing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I knew it.
But what about the opportunity with Jake? I felt like he was willing to give me something I’d never known—a chance at love, a chance to be happy, a chance to start a new life and leave the old one far, far behind. Jake accepted me for who and what I was. He didn’t hold my past against me. He didn’t hold anything against me. If anything, he cherished the person I was. And he was so protective of me. Rue was right—Jake was a good man. In fact, probably the best man I’d ever met. And yet I was still going to leave him?
I picked a stem of hay from the bale beneath me and leaned back. I didn’t know what to do or what the right answer was. Did I follow my career passion or did I follow my heart? I mean, it wasn’t like I had to give up my dream of riding if I chose Jake. Riding was as much a part of his world as it was mine. What I would be giving up was really fame and money.
But it wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t just about the money and the fame for me. I’d finally be able to showcase Aria like she was always meant to be. She was the only thing I had left that could get me there. Without her, I’d never have the money to buy another horse as good as she was. And she wasn’t going to be around forever. I knew I had talent, but did I have enough to make a good living at it? And was it worth giving up the love of a good man?
But say I did get there, say I made it all the way... What good was a dream without someone to share it with? Someone I loved...