I need to get out of the house. The men are gone; I saw them ride out hours ago. Clint had studied my window, but I’d been back far enough so he couldn’t see me. With Grace at her grandparents’ house, I feel okay leaving.

And it dawns on me; I meant it when I said I’d never do anything to hurt her. I love her already.

I head to the barn. The lock is still on it, but the slack that allows the door to bang in the wind is enough for me to slip through. If I hold my breath, that is. Onside, the lights are up and I see a key hanging beside the door marked with black ink.

Spare.

Grabbing it, I use it to open the lock and the door swings open. When I turn, I see several horse heads peeking at me over stall doors and I walk around, petting faces and thinking about the animals.

Taking a saddle, I approach one of the stalls. The mare lifts her head and perks her ears. She’s got the calmest demeanor, and that’s all I need. Hanging the saddle over a sawhorse, I put the bridle hanging next to her stall on her. She accepts the bit without issue and I talk to her in a calming voice.

Taking her out of her stall, I snap her to the ring for saddling. When she’s all saddled up, the painful slamming of my heart becomes an easy beat. I can do this. I’ve got it. I’m capable. Taking her reins, I leave the barn and tie her to a post before slipping back in to lock the door again.

After a few moments of scrambling, I’m able to get in saddle. It feels like the ground is so very far away. This will clear my mind. I’ve always loved horses, and I regret not doing more with that love over the years.

Leading her back toward what looks like an established trail leading off into the desert, I suddenly feel free and happy. With a good horse under me obeying my every whim, I feel like I’m on top of the world.

Even the harsh sun feels good. It’s like I’ve been frozen to the bone for so long it’s good to just breathe and soak in the warmth. There’s a slight breeze that’s hot as can be, but it’s still heaven. There’s something so incredible about the landscape and the sensation of being out here.

Then, a wild band of mustangs spots us and they run in our direction before turning and racing into the wind like they know we’re not one of them.

But the mare I’m on takes after them like a shot. Suddenly, we’re racing over the ground and the world is flying by. There’s a flash of panic in me that I’m not in control for a moment, but it’s quickly replaced by sheer adrenaline. This is fun! We’re moving so fast it feels impossibly like flight.

Suddenly the ground is flying up at me and pain screams through every inch of me. Scrub bushes claw at me and the hot sandy dirt hardly cushions my fall. Helpless, I watch the mare I was riding race off.

Taking a moment to make sure nothing is broken, I feel along my legs, pat my ribs, feeling every point of pain to make sure it’s just an impact ache. Minor cuts and bruises, nothing feels broken.

I look over the horizon. The mare will come back, right?

With the hot desert sun beating down on me, I suddenly realize how stupid I’ve been. I told no one where I was going. I didn’t pack supplies. There’s no way anyone will find me.

And with the glaring sun overhead, I begin to plan. I need to get in the shade. I need to mark this spot so if anyone comes looking, they’ll find me. I spot a jutting rock and head toward it. It’s not far, and I’m quick to take off my over shirt. Scaling the rock, I hang the shirt on the highest point I can so it can be seen on all sides.

Sliding down on my bottom, I slip into the shade and instantly feel cooler.

But there’s a sinking sensation that has nothing to do with my motion. I’m out here, alone. Far enough from home there’s no way I can hike it. This might be it for me. Dillon couldn’t break me, no, I can do that shit all by myself.

I’m so stupid!

As I sink onto my bottom in the dirt, I feel hot tears sting my eyes. I should have left a note. I should have done something so people would know where I went. Plan! I need to plan. After dark, I could try hiking out. I could walk home.

It’ll take a long time, but it’s cooler at night.

Exhaustion fills me and I want nothing more than to just lie down and rest. With my back to the rock, I sit in the shade, my stomach sick and my heart heavy. I’m stronger than this. I’m not going to die out here in the desert. I’ve made it through so much, I can’t just give up now.

Clint’s face comes to mind and my soul aches. He’s going to blame himself. He’s going to think this is all his fault. I know he blames himself for Amanda. But Grace came out of that. A blessing out of misery. He hadn’t put the alcohol in her hand. He hadn’t told her to drive that night. She’d made her choices.

Just like I’d decided to ride out here, alone, without supplies or a backup plan.

I’m going to be the second woman in his life to pass away. And while I’m not on the same level as she was in his life, I feel like he’s going to start turning that grief inward.

Because I’m going to die out here.