CHAPTER 23
LUCKY
The rocking is something you get used to. After a while, you don’t even notice it any more. Same with the small sleeping space. And the constant whirring of tires below.
It took a while, though. That first tour was a disaster. I wasn’t used to sleeping on the bus, so I didn’t sleep at all. Instead, I ate candy and drank soda all day and night to keep myself awake, and ended up peeing all night long while Nicholai slept like a baby.
This was my first tour alone on the bus, without Nicholai’s constant companionship and it was refreshing and freeing. I could leave my candy wrappers wherever I wanted. I could drink as much I wanted. I could even eat two greasy cheeseburgers for dinner. All without Nicholai’s constant nagging and judgement.
It was amazing.
I had no idea how much he truly controlled me until he was gone. Somehow, I had blinders on, oblivious to how much I was missing because of him. He’d used me in such a complete way, making sure I was so far under his thumb, he was confident I’d never come out.
For the last few months, I’d wondered why he didn’t get rid of Eddie’s wallet. If I’d never found that, I’d have never known.
I’d be married to him right this minute.
The thought of it made me sick.
Through the flimsy bedroom door, I heard one of the bunks in the hallway open and close and I wondered if it was Blade or Ziggy that had gone to bed. I wanted to get up for a drink of water, but I was avoiding Ziggy like the plague.
He’d insisted on riding in the bus with me again. Luckily, Blade had joined him, easing the guilt I felt at not spending any time with him at all. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, it was just that I couldn’t.
I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t look at those eyes. I couldn’t look at the body, the one I’d climbed like a tree back in Seattle, the one I desperately wanted to climb again and the one that I knew I totally, absolutely, definitely couldn’t climb again.
But it wasn’t just that.
It was the way he was looking at me now that I couldn’t deal with. Gone was the lusty hunger that had been there before. Now, his eyes were filled with contrition and worry and fear and this determined eagerness to avoid another mistake.
God, it was just so fucking much to deal with.
Now, not only was I responsible for keeping my shit together enough to finish this tour, but I’m supposed to keep his fear at bay, too? Of course, I can’t say these things to him. It would only make things worse. And he’s not the one putting that responsibility on me, either, but it’s there, I put it on myself.
Because that’s what I do.
Now that Nicholai is gone, I’m the one in charge. I’m the one who’s supposed to make sure this all works. Becky and everyone else? They just look to me to tell them which way to turn, too.
I get it.
It’s all on me.
So, I’ve decided to just lay low as much as possible, and do whatever it takes to make sure the show goes on. That’s show business, right?
If Ziggy has feelings about it all, that’s on him. I’ll accept his protection, but the less I look at his way-too-handsome, apologetic face, the better.
When I go into the hallway, there he is with those eyes. Instead of sitting down, I grab a glass of water without more than a curt nod hello and turn to retreat back to my little hole.
“Lucky.”
Shit. Ignoring him is just rude, so I take a deep breath and turn back to him.
“Yes?”
“Please sit down.”
“I’m tired. I have a long day tomorrow.”
“And you’re wide awake,” he said. “Sit.”
He gestured across to the seat across from him and I sat down, smiling over at him, quickly meeting his gaze and then turning away just as quickly. I told you I couldn’t look at him.
“I just wanted to thank you for the second chance.”
Even though I wasn’t looking, it didn’t matter. Even though the lights were dimmed so low I could barely make out his features — the strong jaw and the sparkling eyes and the grin that stretched for miles — it didn’t matter. I could still feel the heat rolling off of him and rolling over me like a boulder of lust that I couldn’t jump out of the way of.
“You’re welcome,” I muttered, taking a sip from my glass, suddenly wishing I’d poured something stronger than water. I eyed the bottle of whiskey sitting on the table between us, yearning for the warmth it would provide. The kind of warmth I could actually embrace at the moment.
“Are you okay?” There it was again. The concern. The deep concern for my well-being that made me so uncomfortable, I wanted to flee.
“I’m fine,” I said, brushing him off with a flick of the wrist.
“You weren’t fine earlier, you were shuddering.”
“Well, it passed,” I said.
He nodded slowly, looking me over like he was trying to read me. The truth was, he’d never know me. Not the way he thought he would. Maybe he’d know my flesh. Maybe he’d learn what made me moan. But he’d never really know me.
I’d only let two people get that far.
One was dead, and the other a murderer.
I’d learned my lesson.
No, Ziggy was just a play thing, if it ever came to that again. All this concern and worry was a sign of more than that.
“Listen,” I said, something inside of me snapping. “If this is how you’re going to be, all concerned and worried and looking at me like I’m a weak branch that’s going to snap in a wind-storm, then I’d like you to switch with one of the other guys.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Those eyes you keep making at me!”
“Eyes?”
“Yes! And that voice, all full of syrupy sweet concern for how I’m doing and how I’m feeling and if I was scared or not. Of course I was fucking scared! But fuck Nicholai! I’m scared every time and that’s what he wants. He doesn’t do anything but prove how close he can get. That’s all he wants. So I’m not going to let him rattle me anymore. In the meantime, stop looking at me like I’m some victim!”
I’d risen to my feet and tears were streaming down my face. Ziggy, still seated, looked up at me with bewilderment. Slowly, he shook his head and stood up, walking around the table and staring down at me.
“Lucky, I think you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met.”
He reached up, wiping a tear away with his thumb. I felt like a fool for blowing up at him.
“You do?” I asked.
“Yes,” he nodded. “And I wish you didn’t feel the need to prove that to me all the time. You can let down your guard with me, don’t you know that? Remember that first night? In Seattle? How much fun we had? When you thought I didn’t know who you were? Let’s be like that again.”
“That was fun,” I said, the events of night running through my mind.
“Let’s just be friends, okay?” he asked, those damn eyes ripping through me, causing me to look at them no matter how hard I tried to look away. I wasn’t trying too hard right now, though. I wanted to crawl into them and lock myself away with him, to tell you the truth.
“Friends,” I nodded, smiling up at him. He leaned down, and I thought he was going to kiss me, my breath caught in my throat, but instead, he pressed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes.
Musky, slightly spicy, his scent washed over me, his closeness threatening to dissolve all my efforts at being professional. His lips were close, so very close that if I just moved my chin an inch, his lips would be on mine and the rest of him would surely follow.
With every cell in my body, I yearned for his touch.
“If you come to bed with me, nobody will know,” I whispered.
With an almost imperceptible nod, he moved slightly forward, all the more closer to where I wanted him. I reached out, sliding my hand up his arm, his rippling bicep smooth under my fingers.
“Lucky,” he growled my name like an angry beast, sending shocks of pleasure right to my gut. The chemistry lingered between us like a thick magnet drawing us closer and closer together. I moved forward again, his lips now only an a breath away.
“Nobody will know,” I whispered again, my breathe hot against his lips.
He swallowed hard, his eyes filled with a raging storm that I longed to weather with him. I parted my lips in a silent invitation and he growled again, a deep guttural struggle with my wanton temptation.
I won.
He moved forward slightly, his lips just touching mine when all of a sudden the bus lurched to the right, and then braked sharply, sending Ziggy and I tumbling onto the table. He reached out to steady me, saving me from falling to the floor, his arms wrapped completely around me now.
“Sorry, someone almost cut us off,” the driver yelled back.
Our eyes crashed together and we burst out laughing as we realized we were completely tangled together now. He let me go and pulled me to my feet, his hands strong and warm on my arms.
“Thanks,” I said.
“Yeah, close call,” he replied.
We stood looking at each other, a moment that was just full of sparks and temptation now obliterated and turned completely awkward again.
“I’m gonna go to bed now,” I said, gesturing behind me, feeling like an idiot for so brazenly inviting him into my bed. The fact that he’d never actually said yes was not lost on my pride.
“Right, long day tomorrow,” he agreed. He looked as awkward as I felt.
“Right,” I nodded, grabbing the whiskey bottle from the table. “Goodnight.”
I disappeared and locked the flimsy door behind me, collapsing on the bed in a pile of humiliation and frustration that I proceeded to attempt to drink away before falling into a fitful sleep.