Chapter Four
Before guests explore the special places at Eros’ Retreat, they’re encouraged to take part in a group session called Reveal Your Darkest Desires. The exercise is designed to free participants from self-censorship and to facilitate communication. The resort’s special places tend to produce intense emotion, and preparation can ensure a positive experience for all who enter.
Rae had better start dreaming up a few desires for the exercise. Most of her fantasies recently had involved having Nate at her beck and call. Nice but not particularly intriguing. She might as well face the fact that what she put in her columns came straight out of her imagination and had little relation to her reality. When you got right down to it, she didn’t do dark very well. In fact, she avoided dark like the plague. Life gave you enough grief and drama without you having to make more up.
Nate emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his hips and his wet hair clinging to the sides of his face. Nearly naked, he resembled a statue one saw in a museum. The ideal male figure. Tall and broad, his chest not marred by a single hair or blemish. Flat planes of muscle and smooth skin. Even his feet were sexy. And oh, what went on beneath that towel.
He caught her staring and parted his feet to take a wide stance. Posing for her. “What’s up for today?”
She could have asked the same question with an entirely different meaning. All she had to do for sex was crook her little finger in invitation, or so it seemed. This morning, she’d have to wait at least a little while. They had a sex-positive session to attend.
She picked up the brochure and handed it to him. “Reveal Your Darkest Desires in an hour. Okay with you?”
He shrugged. “Whatever the boss wants.”
“Is that what I am? Your boss?”
“I’m your Hook-Up Man, after all.”
“Do you mind that?” she asked.
“I’m at a sexy resort with a hot woman, what’s to mind?”
She studied him. On the surface he seemed to be suggesting “Hey, I’m a guy. I don’t care.” Deeper down, he had an edge. As if he disapproved of part or all of their arrangement. Fuck that. She didn’t need disapproval from a man she was only going to spend a week with.
“Then think up some dark desires for our session, and as much as I enjoy ogling you, you might want to put on some clothes,” she said.
He shrugged again, went to the dresser, and starting pulling things out. Boxer shorts were the first. He dropped the towel to get into them. For a moment, she had a great view of his ass. Again, firm muscle. A reminder of how they worked as he thrust. Her mind wouldn’t get out of the gutter as long as he was around.
With thoughts of sweet, sweet sex with Nate reverberating around her brain, she almost jumped when the hotel room phone rang. But she managed to answer without dropping the receiver.
“Hello, dear,” her mother’s voice said on the other end.
“Mom? How did you find me?”
“Aren’t you even going to say, ‘Hello’?”
Rae had when she’d answered the phone, but she wouldn’t debate the point. “Hi, Mom.”
“That’s better. I called your office and asked where you’d gone on that assignment you mentioned.”
She had told her mother about the article and that she’d be away at “a resort” for a while. This call wasn’t that unusual unless…
“So, what’s up?” Wait and see if this was going to be a call to say hi or one of the other kinds. The short silence at the other end had her abdominal muscles clenching with tension. “Mom?”
“Is there any chance you can come home for a bit?” her mother asked.
“Right now?”
“It’d be good to see you, and then…” Her mother’s voice trailed off. “I could use some help.”
Damn it. Damn it all to hell. “What’s Steve done now?”
“Nothing,” her mother said. Lying, of course. “We were having an argument, and I tripped over something and fell down the stairs into the front hall.”
She’d “fallen” with Steve’s help no doubt. “When are you going to get rid of him, Mom?”
That caught Nate’s attention because he stopped in the process of buckling his belt and turned toward her to listen in on her end of the conversation.
“You’re so quick to judge,” her mother said. “It was an accident.”
Right. Just like the “accident” with her father that had laid her mother up in the hospital before Rae’s tenth birthday. And the one that had blackened her mother’s eye while they were on vacation at the beach. Her mother’s sunglasses had almost hidden the bruises. Mom had finally ditched dear old dad, but then she’d ended up with another man who knocked her around and another and another. Steve was number four.
“Did you at least call the police?” Rae said.
“The Woodmans did. They heard the shouting.”
Thank heaven her mother had neighbors close enough to hear and willing to do something when Steve flew into one of his rages.
“So, he’s in jail,” her mother said.
“Maybe jail is where Steve belongs.”
“Trouble?” Nate said softly.
Rae waved at him to hush him, and he stood, feet spread, arms over his chest. Looking defiant but not saying anything.
“Is someone with you?” Mom asked.
“No one,” Rae answered.
That won her a huff from Nate. “I’m not no one.”
“I heard a man’s voice,” Mom said.
“He’s a coworker. We’re doing an article together.”
“The thing you emailed me about?”
The “thing” was a feature article in a major magazine. “Yes, Mom. That one.”
“Well, who knows? You might find a little romance on the side,” her mother said. “You’re alone too much.”
If a little romance included being used as a punching bag, as Mom was, alone sounded a whole lot better. “It’s nothing, Mom, all right?”
“I worry about you. I want you to have a happy life with children.”
“Maybe someday. Right now, I have to get back to work.”
“But I need your help. Steve isn’t here, and I’m on crutches,” Mom said. “Besides, he always takes care of the money.”
Which meant he controlled it and Mom didn’t have any when he was gone. “I’ll transfer some money to your account. The Woodmans can help you with anything else you need.”
“I suppose so…”
“I have a job here. I can’t drop it and come home.” Besides, consoling her mother after the latest man she had “fallen in love with” turned physical with her got really old really fast. They’d talk about change, but as soon as the guy got out of the slammer, he’d show up at the house with a hangdog expression on his face and declare his undying devotion. And Mom would take him back.
“I’ll send you the money, but I have to go,” Rae said.
“Thanks, honey. And remember what I said. You can find romance anywhere if you open your eyes and look.”
“Love you, Mom. Bye.”
Rae waited for the “love you” to come back from her mother and hung up. Nate stood in the middle of the room with his arms still crossed over his chest. “That sounded pretty serious.”
“My mother.” Rae gestured with both hands. “She has questionable taste in men.”
“So I gathered,” he said. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“How’s your taste in men?” He asked it in a way that said he planned to listen closely to the answer.
She might as well open up a bit. They had been fucking regularly, and that counted for something.
“I don’t date. Or rather, I’ll go on dates, but I don’t get involved.”
“That’s why you’re still single.”
She threw her arms up in the air. “You don’t see a crowd of men hovering around, do you?”
“Maybe because you put them off.”
And maybe she had good reason to. The only time she’d let a man close—in her first year of college—everything had seemed champagne and strawberries. Incredible highs just hearing the sound of his voice. Then his jealousy had kicked in, and he turned into someone she’d never met. Correction. He’d turned into her father. He hadn’t beaten her, but all the signs were there. She’d broken it off and never looked back.
Some women always managed to find the wrong guy, and Rae was one of those women. Relationships were dangerous. Sometimes lethal. She’d keep the life she had, thank you very much.
“If you allowed a man in, you might find out we’re not all monsters,” Nate said.
“I never said you were a monster.”
He didn’t answer other than to cock an eyebrow.
“I didn’t. There are plenty of good men out there. The women in my family just don’t seem to attract those.”
“Right.” He reached into the drawer where he’d pulled his shorts from and closed his hand around something. Then he set whatever it was on the desk next to her laptop and stepped back.
A velvet jewel box. She glanced at it and then up at him. “What’s this about?”
“Because you’re having a bad day.” He shrugged. “Because you were a good sport about yesterday.”
The ridiculous clothes he’d bought her. He must have assumed she’d chicken out and refuse to wear them. But why would he even care about her clothes and makeup? They were at a gorgeous place, and he was getting all the sex he could possibly want. What else would matter?
She opened the box to discover a pearl pendant on a gold chain. Simple and elegant and everything Désirée Knight was not. “I don’t know what to say.”
“How about ‘Thank you, Nate.’”
“Thank you, Nate,” she repeated.
He made a circular gesture with his finger that she should turn around. “Let me put it on you.”
She took the pendant out of the box, handed it to him, and turned as he’d instructed. He fumbled with the clasp for a few seconds, but soon the chain was around her neck, the pearl hanging at an innocent spot several inches away from her breasts. His hands lingered on her shoulders.
“You don’t have to repeat your mother’s history, you know,” he said.
“Repeat it? I’m still living it.”
He massaged her shoulders. “Sending her money?”
“Yeah, and sometimes I go home when things are really bad.” Like when Mom had finally had enough and dumped a guy. That’s when that sort of creep became truly dangerous.
“So, what about you?” she asked. “Are your relationships always good?”
His fingers stilled. “Um…no.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
“Not right now.” He rubbed her shoulders one last time and then dropped his hands. “But you can’t give up on people entirely. At some point, you have to trust.”
Trust. If he only knew. What was she supposed to do with that? He thought he was talking to the outrageous Désirée Knight—the woman who’d posed for pictures in a sexy outfit. That woman had turned him into a crazed, sexual beast. He didn’t know the mouse beneath the costume. Would he buy her jewelry and lovingly place it around her neck? Probably not.
She sighed inwardly. He’d encouraged her to trust when he had no idea how big a coward she was. She didn’t even write her column as herself but pretended to be someone she wasn’t. And it was that woman he’d become attracted to, not her.
Finally, he bent to place a kiss at her temple. “Let’s get to our session.”
By the time everyone was seated in a large circle in the serenity glade at Eros’ Retreat, Rae still hadn’t dreamed up any dark fantasies to confess before the group. She’d written plenty of them, for sure, but nothing jumped to mind that she’d be willing to let her mouth repeat. She could try role-playing a porn star, but Nate would realize they’d already done that. Not very imaginative. Maybe they’d let her get away with keeping her own sexual psyche out of the conversation since she was writing an article on the place.
Carmen, the group facilitator, was a stunning beauty. She wore a flowing gown and simple jewelry but no makeup at all. She didn’t need it. She immediately indicated Rae and Nate should take the two chairs closest to her. So much for disappearing into the wallpaper.
“We have a celebrity with us,” Carmen said. “Désirée Knight of Urban Life magazine.”
“I thought so,” one of the women proclaimed. “I follow your column.”
“Thank you. I’m here to do a feature for the magazine,” Rae said. “But I won’t be taking notes or pictures, and you’ll have to sign a release before I can even quote you.”
“Other than Désirée, who’s a public figure, the rest of us will go by first names only. Everything at Eros’ Retreat is strictly confidential,” Carmen said. “We want you to be free to explore your sexuality—and sensuality—without fear of exposure or judgment.”
There was murmured agreement, and more than one person tugged his/her lover a bit closer as if to reassure.
“We’ll start by introducing ourselves with a word that begins with the same letter as our name,” Carmen said. “For example, I’m Carmen, and I’m carnal.”
Pretty soon, a man in the back caught on. “I’m Sam, and I’m sexy as all get-out, or so my wife says.”
The woman next to him giggled. “I’m Louise and I’m lecherous.”
That got general laughter and people launched into introducing themselves using adjectives that started with the first letter of their first names.
Finally, the game worked its way around to Rae. “I’m Désirée, and I’m—”
“Deceptive,” Nate supplied. Confused, Rae’s mind started to spiral. Did he know the truth about her?
“I was going to say dangerous,” Rae said.
“Yeah, that, too,” Nate said.
“Oooh,” Carmen said. “I sense a little tension here.”
“Nothing a little honesty can’t fix.” Nate turned a phony smile on Rae. What was going on? “Right, honey bun?”
“You said it, lamb chop.” In private, you oaf. What had chapped his hide?
“Would you like to introduce yourself?” Carmen asked Nate.
“I’m Nate, and I’m a natural.” He extended his legs and crossed one ankle over the other. A relaxed pose usually, but it wasn’t quite convincing.
Carmen didn’t comment further on the tension between them but turned back to the group. “You’re all here because you’re scheduled to visit the Barn for the first time. When you enter there, you leave behind all of society’s rules. Only your own wants and needs matter as well as the limits you set for yourself and your partner. We want to open up a dialogue about what you may ask of each other so you won’t have any unpleasant surprises later on.”
“I know what I want,” a man in the back said, which elicited laughter from the rest of the group.
“Good,” Carmen said. “I hope you’ve all had time to think of what you want to share. Remember, this is Darkest Desires. No one has to act on anything they don’t want, but you can feel safe to share your fantasies here.”
Lecherous Louise, wife to Sexy-As-All-Get-Out Sam, was the first to raise her hand. “I want a pool boy named Ramon in a cabana, naked.”
“We don’t have a pool, honey,” Sam said.
“This is fantasy,” Carmen said. “No need to censor at this point.”
“A man who doesn’t speak English, so I can’t understand a word he says,” Louise went on. “But he’ll be overcome with lust every time he sees me.”
“Very good, Louise,” Carmen said. “You and Sam can plan on how to make your fantasy real. Eros’ Retreat can find a private cabana for you.”
“Really?” Louise twined her arm around her husband’s and stared into his eyes.
“Nudity time in the public areas is for just that sort of thing,” Carmen said.
Louise turned to Sam. “Would you do that for me?”
“Not speak?” Sam shrugged. “I guess I could manage that.”
And on it went. Different couples advanced a variety of fantasies, some dark and some—like Louise’s—pretty sunny. Rae’s mind swam with it all. Bondage. The pizza delivery guy surprised by a naked customer at the door. Play vampirism was probably the most creative. The author of that idea was the woman who’d bumped into Nate in the pool “by accident.” She still looked lithe and glamorous, only now, strappy sandals showed off her perfect, pink pedicure. The guy beside her—a bit older but very handsome—was currently checking out a pretty brunette on his other side. Swingers, maybe. Nothing wrong with that if everyone consented. As long as the woman realized Rae hadn’t consented to sharing Nate.
Finally, the discussion wound its way toward Rae, and still not a single dark thing had popped into her head.
“Well, Désirée,” Carmen said. “What do you think?”
“Lots of great ideas here. If any of you want to share them with me, let me know.” Sam and Louise had real promise—solid middle class by the best of her reckoning. They could easily serve as relatable to readers.
“But what’s your darkest desire?” Carmen said.
“Well, I…” Everything good had already been taken. Even drinking blood. “I guess…that is…”
“I’ll go,” Nate said.
Rae fairly melted with relief. She’d expound on whatever he came up with. Exercise complete.
“My darkest desire is to know my lover more deeply than anyone else ever has,” he said. “I want utter and total honesty and communication right down to the level of her cells.”
“That’s deep, man,” one of the men said. Sure enough, the pink-toed vampire lady leaned forward to absorb every word Nate uttered.
“Perfect knowledge,” Nate continued. “I want to open my soul to her and have her do the same for me.”
“Soul?” Rae repeated. He didn’t mean her, right? She wasn’t about to bare her heart let alone her soul.
He stared her in the eyes. “No secrets. Nothing hidden.”
“All righty then,” Rae said, trying to lighten things. “I’m not sure how dark that is.”
Carmen had also leaned toward Nate. “Don’t censor. Let him talk.”
Nate smiled as he glanced around. He’d obviously enchanted all of the women, and some of the men seemed interested, too. This was supposed to be about sex, not soul sharing, if such a thing were even possible.
“The problem with too much of the sex we have today is it’s superficial,” he said. “Sure, it feels good, and if that’s all you have, go for it, but deep down we all need connection on the most basic level. And I want that kind of sex.”
“Well, well.” Carmen fairly licked her lips as she stared at Nate. “Your turn, Désirée. What’s your darkest desire?”
“Um.” Rae swallowed. Nate was still staring at her as if he could see past her eyes and into her brain. If he could, he’d realize he’d caused complete chaos in there. How was she supposed to respond to the utter honesty nonsense? Who’d ever heard such drivel from the lips of a guy?
And unfortunately, everyone else was staring at her as if holding their collective breath to find out how she’d answer. She had to say something…anything…and she’d better make it good.
“I want to be spanked.” The words came from somewhere, and the voice sounded like her own. Had she really said that?
Laughter erupted. What else could you expect? She’d followed souls touching souls with something completely juvenile. At least she’d thought of something.
“You want to be spanked?” Nate asked.
“Yeah.” She stared right back at him as if she’d planned her response instead of it popping up in consciousness like a burble of primordial ooze. For the love of God, spanking? She could scarcely have thought of anything farther away from what she really wanted. Sure, it would be consensual and not harmful. If someone else said it, she wouldn’t bat an eyelash, but anything resembling hitting came too close to the reality of her family history. Still, now that the words had flown out of her mouth, she was stuck with them.
“I want to be spanked by someone who knows my entire psyche down to the cell level,” she said. So there, you idiot man.
He set his jaw in an angry line. “I guess I could manage that.”
Carmen laughed again. “That’s certainly a creative desire.”
“I wouldn’t want to let just anyone spank me, now would I?” Rae said.
“Is this going to be in one of your columns?” Louise asked.
“Eventually,” Rae answered.
“I can’t wait to read it,” Louise said.
“I can,” Nate said.