Why the hell couldn’t I stop thinking about that kiss?

I hadn’t asked him to kiss me. I hadn’t wanted him to kiss me. So, if I thought about it at all, I should’ve been angry. But I wasn’t. All I could think about was how I’d felt in those few fleeting moments before common sense kicked in and I’d pushed him away.

How right it had felt.

The worst part was, I couldn’t really think of anything to distract me. I’d cleaned the bar up by myself. I’d tried opening for the night and then sat there alone, waiting for customers. Or for Billy. Or for anyone. No one had come, not even Gilly. That wasn’t really her fault, though, since it was her night off and I hadn’t told her about the break-in. So, no matter what thoughts I tried to use, they all sucked, and that just made me feel worse.

Now, it was midnight, and I should’ve been preparing to close things down, but there wasn’t anything to do. No tables to clean, no glasses to put away. Nothing to keep me from locking myself in my office and crying.

Things had never been easy for me growing up, but I had no regrets about my childhood. Sure, it would’ve been nice to have been one of those kids who came to school after Christmas break bragging about the gaming system they got or one of those girls who’d gone to some elite boutique to buy her prom dress, but I wouldn’t have traded my father’s love for any of it.

His death had almost broken me, but I’d gotten through it because I’d known that’s what he would’ve expected. He’d raised me to be independent, to stand on my own two feet, to make my own choices. I just hadn’t planned on needing to do it so young.

Even when I’d been grieving over him, I’d always had in the back of my head that I could do this. I could keep his dream alive, make this bar into a tribute of sorts to him. I’d keep it in the family, pass it down to my own kids. We’d all work here together. Dad had never said that was what he wanted, but it was how I could keep him alive for me.

Despite the financial difficulties I’d had in the two years I’d been running this place myself, I’d never once allowed myself to think that I couldn’t do it. Not until now.

I sat in my office with the door open; so I could see out into the bar. I hadn’t locked the front door yet, but I couldn’t take sitting out there alone anymore. I wasn’t afraid of the vandal coming back, not even after their bit of theatrics with the knife, but it was too depressing. At least, this way, I could pretend that I was working and keeping an eye on the place; like I’d done many times in the past when I’d had a full crew working.

I hadn’t talked to the insurance company yet, but I had my list of things that needed to be replaced, and a note to go down to the police station to get a copy of the incident report. There wasn’t really anything else I could do. I couldn’t even start shopping until I knew how much the insurance would even cover.

I was still wallowing when I heard the front door open. A flash of unexpected fear cut through me, adrenaline dumping into my system and getting me to my feet. I reached for the baseball bat that had sat above the desk, hoping my muscle memory was good enough to let me swing the bat like I had growing up. I’d hit my first home run with it, and maybe it still had a bit of that luck.

“Syll?”

I sagged with relief. “Back here.”

I put the bat back in its place but didn’t sit down. A moment later, Billy came through the door, and I launched myself at him. I was still pissed about his previous behavior, but that could wait until my heart went back to its normal rhythm.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m still a bit shaken after what happened earlier,” I admitted. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t like how we left things,” he said. His arms tightened around me. “I shouldn’t have lost my temper. That guy just got under my skin is all.”

I knew that was as close to an apology as I was going to get. Him even admitting that he was wrong was something, and I was too tired to push for anything more.

“You know I love you, babe.” He loosened his embrace, so I could look up at him. “Are we okay?”

I nodded. “Thank you for coming back.”

He gave me the charming, rakish smile that had gotten my attention back in high school.

“You’re my girl,” he said. “What kind of man would I be if I didn’t make sure you knew that?”

He bent his head and touched his lips to mine. I closed my eyes, trying to lose myself in the familiarity of his kiss, to let it wash away any remnants of the kiss Jax had given me.

Then Billy’s hands slid from the small of my back to my ass, and I knew he wanted more than a kiss. He had a pattern when he wanted sex. First, he’d kiss me, then he’d grab my ass. Then came the sweet talk.

“You’re so fucking hot, you know that?” He kissed me again, as if to punctuate his statement.

His tongue slid between my lips, moving back and forth like he didn’t have any real goal in mind beyond having his tongue in my mouth. Unless I slowed him down, he always kissed like that, but tonight I didn’t care about slow. It was okay that he wasn’t a great kisser because that wasn’t what was important. He was here with me, and I desperately needed to feel that I wasn’t alone.

When he came up for air, I focused on getting his pants undone. If he was inside me, we’d be here together, in this moment. Nothing that happened before would matter because he’d be with me.

“You have an amazing ass.” He slid his hands under my shirt and unhooked my bra before pulling everything over my head. “And amazing tits.”

I opened my desk drawer, feeling around for the emergency condom I always kept on hand. Some people might think it strange to have an emergency condom in their work desk, but if they had a boyfriend who constantly forgot to buy them, it was important.

“Really, babe? We couldn’t go raw just one time?” He fondled my breasts, squeezing them like they were a pair of stress balls. “You’re on the pill.”

I nodded and wondered if it was worth it to ask Billy to take it easy on my breasts, maybe put in some time playing with my nipples. No, I wasn’t in the mood to coach foreplay. “I am, but you know we always double up. We’re not even close to being ready for kids.”

He gave me a sad look, the sort of pouty, puppy-dog-eyes expression that had always tugged at my heartstrings. Now, it just annoyed me. I’d told him a hundred times my reasoning for still using condoms.

I shoved my hand down the front of his pants, under the waistband of his underwear, and wrapped my hand around his erection.

“Fuck.” His eyes closed as I gave him a couple firm strokes. “You’re so good at that. It’s almost as good as being in your mouth.”

I rolled my eyes at his not-so-subtle hint. If I went down on him, he’d probably go in my mouth, and then not return the favor. While that wasn’t a problem at times, tonight, I needed his attention to be on me rather than himself. I pushed his jeans and underwear down enough to free his cock, then rolled the condom over him.

“Since this is make-up sex and all, what do you think about doing something different?”

I looked up at him as I pulled down my own pants and underwear. “Different?”

He grinned and turned me around. My hands came down on the edge of my desk, knocking aside a stack of bills. His hands were on my breasts again, and his cock was hard as it rubbed against my thigh.

“After all these years, we should spice things up, don’t you think?” He kissed the back of my neck, then grabbed my ass, kneading my cheeks. “You said we’d talk about it, and I think tonight would be a great night to do it.”

It took me a moment to realize what he was talking about. I glared at him over my shoulder. “Are you kidding me? You want to fuck my ass here? Like this?”

He shrugged. “It’ll be fun.”

“Yeah, for you maybe, but I don’t have any lube here. Plus, that’s not exactly the sort of thing you do as a quickie.”

Irritation flashed across his face, then disappeared. “Fine.”

For a moment, I wondered if he’d try to do it anyway, but then I felt the head of his dick at the right entrance and I relaxed. It was crazy to think Billy would force himself on me. He just didn’t get how something like that really worked. Planning wasn’t exactly his strong suit.

“Tell me you want it, babe,” he said as he pushed inside me. “Tell me you want my cock in your twat. Do you want me to fuck you like a little whore? Say it. Say you’re my good little slut. My slutty little bitch.”

“Dammit, Billy, knock it off.” I was starting to think it’d be better just to take a shower and go to bed. “You know I don’t like that.”

Dirty talk was one thing, and if someone else liked to be called a whore and bitch, hey, that was their choice, but I didn’t, and Billy damn well knew it. We were going to have to have a talk again about how what he saw in porn wasn’t what I wanted.

That was something for another time though. Right now, I closed my eyes and focused on the familiar feel of him sliding in and out. I wanted him to make me come, for us to be in this together. A woman’s orgasm had mental components as much as physical ones, and I knew if I was in the right mental state, it would be a lot easier for him to coax one from me.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he groaned. “I’m so close.”

Already? Dammit.

I reached down between my legs, wishing I could ask him to do something besides grabbing my breasts, but I knew from experience that he didn’t take guidance in the bedroom well. My fingers found my clit with the sort of practiced ease I didn’t like to think about too much. I rubbed the little bundle of nerves back and forth, trying to catch up to Billy, but I knew from his rhythm that he wasn’t going to last much longer.

“Fuck!” he shouted as he came.

I sighed and waited for him to pull out. He wouldn’t stay the night, not since he’d gotten off already, and after he left, I’d finish things off myself. I still needed the stress relief after what happened today, but if I asked Billy to help me with that, he’d start on how it wasn’t his fault that I couldn’t climax with him, and it’d just make things worse.

Then, a whisper echoed in the back of my mind. If Jax can kiss like that, who knows what else his mouth can do.

Dammit.

I was back to that damn kiss again.