I walked out of the county jail around noon. Three days felt like an eternity stuck in a small cell eating bologna sandwiches and staring at a plain yellow wall. The one thing that jail was great for was thinking and self-evaluation. Danielle leaving the courtroom, without so much as a last look, was an eye-opener. I needed to change my ways. I needed to get my shit together for the sake of my future, our future.

I looked around the parking lot, but I didn’t see her or our car. My stomach twisted at the realization that she wasn’t there to get me. A car pulled up slowly in front of me, and it was one of the guys from work. He rolled down the window, and I knew I looked totally confused.

“Dude, I’m here to get you,” Derek said. Derek and I had lived together when I first moved to St. Louis and went through training together. He was in his work vehicle and didn’t look entirely happy to be picking me up. We became friends during the couple of months I’d been in St. Louis. When you were new to a city, you gravitated to those you knew and became friends quickly.

“Where’s Danielle?” I asked, still looking around the parking lot.

“She said she had to work and couldn’t get out of it. She gave me twenty bucks to come get your sorry ass and bring you home.” I didn’t like the feeling of the entire situation. Noon wasn’t a peak hour in the bar. She could’ve easily taken an hour off to pick me up and bring me home. My heart hurt. She was still punishing me. I knew I’d fucked up, but my indiscretion wasn’t worth all this suffering she’d been inflicting on me.

“It’s fine, man. Thanks for getting me. I can’t wait to get home.”

“Get in, let’s roll. I have a couple jobs to get to this afternoon.”

I climbed in his truck, and we chatted on the way home. “Does Don still want me back at work?” I asked.

“Fuck yeah, man. We’re slammed and shorthanded. You’re on the schedule tomorrow.”

Thank God for little miracles. “Good. I was worried that I wouldn’t have a job to come back to. I’ll give him a call when I get home.”

Derek dropped me at the curb, and I climbed the stairs to our apartment. I unlocked the door and walked into an empty space. I hoped that Danielle would be there waiting for me, that Derek was just a diversion. I had dreams of her waiting for me in a little teddy at the door, but my daydream was just that, a fantasy.

An envelope caught my eye on the kitchen table. “Kayden” was written in cursive, and it wasn’t sealed. I opened it and withdrew the single white sheet of paper.

Kayden,

I can’t do this anymore… I can’t do us. We’re two different people, and it doesn’t work for me anymore. I think it’s time for us to move on with our lives and go our separate ways. I didn’t know how else to tell you.

We only married because of the baby, and I don’t see a reason to move forward in this relationship. I don’t feel I’m your number one—the thing you can’t live without. I’ve always come second to alcohol. Losing the baby destroyed me and made me look at our life together. We weren’t right for each other then, and we aren’t now. I’ve felt detached from you since losing our baby.

I’ve met someone, and he’s helped me realize that we aren’t meant to be. I can’t devote my life and my heart to someone I don’t love anymore. I thought my heart shattered and died months ago, but I realize it was only temporarily frozen. When I’m with you, all I can think of is what should’ve been but will never be.

I’ve taken my stuff home and will be moving in with my mother. We started speaking after you left for St. Louis. She flew here and helped me gather my things, and we left yesterday.

Thank you for the memories and the chance to have a family. We just weren’t meant to be.

-D

The letter slipped from my fingers and drifted to the floor. I stood there with my heart beating out of my chest. My body was frozen in place. She left me? I knew that things weren’t great, but I never expected this. She met someone? It was her idea that I go ahead and get settled, and she’d meet me when the time was right. I left her alone in her grief just long enough to find someone else to love.

Someone without all the painful memories.

I sat down at the kitchen table and stared out the window. My mind still hadn’t processed the finality of the situation. Could she really leave me with a Dear John type letter? I thought that shit only happened in the movies, not in real life.

I didn’t cry. I sat there in shock for what felt like hours. The loss of our child had been gut-wrenching, but the loss of Danielle had felt earth-shattering. I held my shit together with the loss of our baby because I had to be strong for her. Who did I have now? I was alone.

Using alcohol as an excuse was bullshit. Danielle was every bit as much of an addict as me, but it was a cop-out. I picked up my phone and called her, but it went right to voice mail. She took the easy way out with the letter, the coward’s way.

I went on a bender. I don’t know exactly how much time passed after coming home to an empty house and waking up on the couch. Days probably, it’s all a haze to me today. I consumed all the alcohol I could find in the apartment—which is more than I’d like to admit. I woke up smelling like shit, sweaty, and in the same outfit I walked out of jail in. I lost time…days which I’ll never get back. How could she walk away from me? I never made her feel like my number two, but in her eyes, the booze always came first. Drinking ruined my life, or at least, it was the reason that was used. But what else did I have in my life?

I crawled off the couch and needed a shower. I needed to rid myself of the funk and clean up my act. I needed to get the fuck out of this place.

My phone rang, and my heart leapt. Danielle wanted me back. The time away made her realize she was wrong. I looked down at the screen, but it was my mom.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Where have you been? I’ve been calling you for days, and Danielle hasn’t been picking up her phone. I’ve been worried to death, Kayden.”

“She left me, Mom.”

“What?”

“I fucked up. I came home a couple of days ago to a letter that said she left.”

“You’re too good for that girl, anyway, babe. Come home.”

Home was no longer Ohio. My mom and Joe had moved to Florida to live the dream of every retiree. They wanted sunshine and beaches to fill their days instead of shoveling snow and freezing for six months out of the year.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Mom.” Tears filled my eyes. How could my world collapse in such a short time? I’d swear I had a black fucking cloud that followed me around and fucked with my life. “I’m a little old to live with you, and maybe Danielle will come back.”

“You’ve always got a place here. It’s warm all year, and winter’s coming. The door is always open.”

“Thanks, Mom. I need to figure this out for myself, but I’ll get back to you.”

“Where have you been the past couple of days?”

“I forgot to pay a ticket and had to spend three days in jail.” I cringed, holding the phone away from my ear.

“What? Kayden, I thought I taught you better than that. How could you be so damn forgetful?”

“It happened when I first moved here. I fucked up. I know, Mom.”

“Well, I won’t harp on you. It seems like you have enough shit on your plate right now. Just think about it, a fresh start. Love you, baby.”

“Love you, too, Mom. I’ll call soon.”

St. Louis was supposed to be a fresh start, but it ended up being the finish line.

I called Don and quit. I couldn’t go back to work. I needed to get the fuck away from this apartment and anything that reminded me of us. I spent the rest of the day packing up my shit and loaded it into my truck. I needed to find Danielle. I needed her to tell me face-to-face that we were over—fuck the letter bullshit. I wanted to remind her of what she threw away. Me.

I left early in the morning after sleeping one last time in our bed. I slept with my head on her pillow, smelling the perfumed shampoo she used. The more miles that passed, the more pissed off I became. When she came to St. Louis, had she already found the other man in her life? She was sneaky and never let on. I didn’t know we had a problem until I was arrested, and she left me in court. I never would’ve imagined that I was disposable.

I pulled into her mother’s around four in the afternoon. Danielle’s car was the only one in the driveway. I parked down the street and casually walked up and knocked on the door.

“One second.” Her voice was muffled by the door.

The door opened, and her smile slowly faded to a look of shock. “Kayden, what are you doing here?”

“You think you just leave me a letter, and I’d let us die that easy? I’d just accept it and walk away?”

“No, but I hoped you would. I don’t know why you’re here. I’m not changing my mind.”

“Can’t we at least talk about this? Don’t I get a say in any of this?”

“No, there’s nothing to talk about. I want out.”

“You don’t love me anymore?”

“I don’t know if I ever loved you, Kayden.” My heart shattered into a million little pieces with those words.

“Why did you marry me, then?”

“I don’t know. I guess I thought it was the right thing to do with a baby on the way. I lusted after you.”

“You lusted after me?” I tried to keep my voice down, not wanting to draw the attention of the people in their front yards weeding their gardens.

“Lust. Maybe I was infatuated with you.”

“Can I come in so we can talk? I feel like an asshole standing out here having this conversation on your mom’s front porch. I promise to behave. I just need to understand, Danielle.”

She opened the door enough for me to enter and backed away, trying not to get too close. I knew the attraction and pull were still there, that she still lusted after me. I walked into the kitchen and sat at the table, and she sat next to me.

“You found someone else?” I wanted to puke asking that question. I hoped it was just a lie that she used to get me to go away.

“Do you really want to know all this?”

I swallowed hard and thought only a moment before answering. “Yes.”

“I did, but I would’ve left with or without that person in my life. I didn’t mean for it to turn into anything. It just happened.”

Again with that motherfucking statement. It just happened. “Cheating doesn’t just happen, Danielle. No man just falls into your pussy by accident.”

“I was in a shitty place after losing the baby,” she said as tears began to prick the corner of her eyes. “Then when you left, I found comfort talking to someone else. It was nice not to have the reminder of what I lost.”

“What we lost.”

“When I’m with you, all I can think about is what could’ve been.”

“We could’ve tried again.”

“I’m not ready to try again. I can’t take the heartbreak.” I reached out and touched her hand, trying to comfort her. The electricity still flowed between us.

“I know, Danielle. I felt every bit of that loss with you. It was my baby, too.” I leaned over and wrapped her in my arms.

She pushed me away, “I’m not yours anymore, Kayden.”

“You’re mine until the judge says otherwise. You’re still my wife.”

“I’ll file the paperwork. I’ve already talked to a lawyer. I’m sorry, Kayden. We’re just going different ways in life. You need to grow up.”

I didn’t have anything to say to her. I could tell that I wasn’t going to win her back. “Okay, Danielle. I’ll sign whatever you want. I hope he makes you very happy, but I know he won’t love you like I do.” I stood to leave, but a thought came to me. I wanted to ruin her, and I knew just the way to do it. “Where’s your mom?”

“Working.”

“She won’t be showing up and waiting outside for me, will she?”

“Oh no, she’s working until midnight tonight.” Brains weren’t always her strong suit.

She stood and walked me to the door but didn’t open it. I wrapped my arms around her and enveloped her in my scent and warmth. I loved this woman, but she’d wrecked me. As she started to pull away, I grabbed her face and looked into her eyes. I searched them for the love I once saw, and I swore I still could still see it. She didn’t pull away, and her lips parted slightly. One thing Danielle and I always had was a sexual chemistry that couldn’t be matched.

I placed my lips on hers, waiting for her to say no. I pressed my lips harder and ran my tongue along them, looking for the access I wanted so badly. She opened to me and ran her fingers through my hair. I knew if I could only get my lips on her that she couldn’t resist me or the lust that made her say “I do.”

I fisted her hair, guiding her movement. It was a weak spot for her. I commanded her like a puppet on a string. She was mine in this moment. I possessed her mouth and controlled her body with my kiss alone. I backed her up until her legs hit the couch cushions. Her body lowered onto the couch with mine, and I helped her fall gracefully. I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and began to lift it. I broke the kiss, needing the space between us to remove her top.

“This doesn’t mean we’re getting back together, Kayden.” She stared at me as she raised her arms, allowing me to remove her shirt.

“I know. I just want to bury my cock in you one more time. Think of it as a going-away present.” She didn’t respond to my words verbally but began to unbutton my jeans. I removed my shirt and threw it to the ground. “Let me grab the door.” I stood up and watched as she kept her eyes on me and kicked her pants off as I locked the door.

She looked like a wild animal staring at her prey as I walked back to her. She might not love me, but I knew she fucking loved my cock. I stroked it, giving her a little show before I crawled back between her legs, placing my knees on the floor. Her torso was slouched down, and I had perfect access to her beautiful pussy. I grabbed her legs and yanked her body, pulling her closer to my face. I licked my lips before placing them on her. I devoured her. I licked and sucked until her body shook and was covered in perspiration. She lay there like a heap of skin, pliable and sedate.

I crawled up between her legs and ran my cock through her wetness, my saliva and her juices mingling. I crushed my mouth to hers as I rammed my cock into her heat. I was merciless. I wasn’t making love to my wife. I wanted her to feel my cock for days. I pumped into her hard and fierce. I held her legs in the air and spread them as far as they would go without breaking them off her body. I pumped rapidly and didn’t let up. I wanted to get deeper, needed her to feel me at her core. I wanted to bust her cervix.

I turned her over onto her stomach, moving her like a rag doll. She was always putty in my hands. I grabbed her hips and hoisted them in the air. She clung to the couch, knowing what was coming next. I pushed her head down into the couch. I wanted maximum depth.

She was face down, ass up, and I loved the view from above her—her slender waist an hourglass and her skin white as snow against her reddish hair. I wrapped her hair around my hand and fisted it as I stuck my cock inside her. I held her against me like a captive, but a willing one. Her moans grew louder and more intense as her muscles tried to push me out. I held her steady with her hair and slammed into her over and over again.

“Oh my fucking God,” she yelled.

“You feel my cock inside you?” I asked, slamming into her so hard the top of her head hit the armrest.

“Yes,” she moaned, drawing out the s.

“I want you to feel me for days.” I pulled her hair back, causing her eyes to look right into mine. “I want you to remember my cock inside you forever. You’ll never get cock as good or anyone who will fuck you as hard and long as I do.”

I pumped faster, faster than I thought I had in me. I was propelled by anger and vengeance at this point. It would be the last time I’d have my wife. “I want your pussy swollen, and you to think of only me.”

“Fucker,” she screamed as I slammed into her pussy one last time before pulling out and spilling onto her back. She didn’t deserve to have my come inside her, and I didn’t need the possibility of a surprise pregnancy either. I watched as it slid down her skin while I climbed off the couch.

Her body swayed back and forth as she tried to get off the couch. “Thanks for the pussy, babe.” I pulled on my pants as she stood glaring at me.

“You hurt me, bastard.” She touched herself and winced.

“I didn’t hear you tell me to stop.” I buttoned my jeans and grabbed my shirt off the floor, pulling it over my head.

“I hate you.” She stood there naked, looking like a lost puppy. She was torn; I could see it in her eyes. There was hatred there, certainly no love, but I fucked her so good that the lust still burned in her gaze.

“Feeling's mutual.” I opened the front door, and I could hear her screaming as I shut it behind me. I walked out of Danielle’s life that day. I didn’t even show up for court when the day arrived. The divorce would go through either way, and I didn’t need the reminder of what I’d lost.