I wish there was a better term able to convey exactly how I feel right now. The only word I can think to use is empty. Empty, as if a part of me has gone missing, and no matter how hard I look, I can’t find it. I know I won’t be able to ever find that little piece of myself again. My heart is shattered in a way I never knew was possible. The pain is what’s the most unbearable. I want to cry, but I won’t allow myself to. Not yet. Not again. Not until I can describe this feeling.

I imagine it’s different for everyone. Death. No two people experience it the same. No two people grieve alike.

My father has stood tall and remained as unemotional as I’ve ever seen him. He’s shut down. I want to be able to do the same. Maybe then I wouldn’t have this excruciating pain radiating through my entire body.

I tried not to cry, but my emotions got the best of me. I couldn’t help it. Hiding in my room until the funeral, I tried to get all the tears out so I could be brave and stand tall like my father. I wanted to make him proud, but most of all, I wanted to prove to him I’m all right. I’ll be fine.

I may have just lost my mother, but I still have my grandmother. I still have him. I don’t need anyone else.

Grandma keeps asking me if I want to talk about it, about her. I don’t. I’m not ready yet. I know what happened. I heard grandma and my father talking, but I wish I hadn’t. Pretending I didn’t won’t change anything.

“Madison, are you sure you’re all right?” Grandma’s voice, soft and gentle as always, breaks the silence in the car.

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” I’ve been giving her the same answer for the last two days. She’s hasn’t pushed yet, but I know it’s only a matter of time.

“Fine is not an answer. I want to know how you’re feeling. You can tell me anything; you know that.”

Let the inquisition begin.

“It’s the only word I know to describe how I feel right now, Grandma.” Being able to explain myself better is what I want, but I don’t know how. I know she’s not going to accept my answer.

“You’re a smart girl, Madison Melissa. Your vocabulary is expansive and the only word you can think of is ‘fine’?” she asks with a sassy attitude, one I rarely hear.

I don’t answer her right away. If the car wasn’t moving, I would jump out and run. I love my grandma dearly—she’s my favorite person in the world. I look forward to visiting with her at the end of every summer. This visit, however, was unplanned, and I’m not excited about it at all.

She promised we would relax and have a little fun. Those plans have changed already, and we’ve only been off the plane for an hour. She got a call that someone needs her back in New Bern. Of course, she apologized, but turned the car around and headed to her house.

“You know, we’re still going to head to the beach. I just need to take care of a few things first. We have two weeks this summer, and I plan to make the most of both of them. I promise this won’t take more than a few days.” There’s optimism in her voice but less conviction than I was hoping for. She doesn’t believe her words any more than I do.

“I get it, Grandma. I’m not mad.” I lie. I am, but only a little and I’ll get over it.

“I’m glad you understand. Thank you. Now, do you want to tell me what else is going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

“Not really.”

I feel Grandma’s eyes on me, studying me, but I keep my attention focused out the window. Nothing but trees as far as the eye can see. We should be close to New Bern by now, so as long as I can avoid her questions for a few more minutes, I’ll be in the clear for the rest of the day. Maybe I’ll be able to describe this feeling by then.

“Your mother loved you. You know that, right?” Grandma almost chokes on her words, attempting to cover her mistake with a cough.

I close my eyes and swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat at the mention of my mother. Tears are threatening to fall, so I try to think of other things. School starts in a month. The beach is only a few days away. I get to redecorate my room at Grandma’s while I’m here.

Nothing works.

The first tear falls, and I let it drip onto my tank top. If I wipe it away, Grandma will notice. I nod, knowing she’s still watching. If I speak, she’ll be able to hear the sadness in my voice. I haven’t found a way to mask it.

Feeling her hand on my knee, I welcome the warmth and love she radiates. I will be okay. I will be better than fine. I will survive this. Having Grandma and my father, life will go on, and I will embrace it. I will not let the sadness devour me. I will break through. All I need is a moment alone so I can release these tears.

Grandma’s emergency is waiting in the foyer of the house when we arrive. A frazzled woman with blonde hair and a boy that looks about my age are sitting on the stairs. The woman jumps up and thrusts her hand out to introduce herself as soon as my grandma sets her bag down.

“Carol,” the woman says, her voice trembling. “This is my son, Joshua.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Grandma replied, covering Carol’s hand with her own. “We’re going to take good care of the both of you. I promise. Why don’t we go in the living room and talk for a few minutes?” Grandma ushers Carol down the hall, leaving me and Joshua alone in the foyer. Before Grandma disappears into the living room, she turns and addresses me. “Madison, why don’t you show Joshua around outside. We’ll only be a few minutes.”

I nod, knowing Grandma wouldn’t ask me unless it was important.

Smiling at Joshua, I open the front door and walk out onto the porch. “I’m Madison,” I say as he catches up to me.

“Hi,” he replies softly.

“Want to walk down to the river?” I get the impression he doesn’t want to talk from his body language. Maybe walking will help lift his spirits. It’s worth a shot. I feel bad for him because I know his situation has to be awful, even compared to my own.

“Sure.”

We walk in silence, around the house and down to the river. Picking up a few rocks along the banks, I start skipping them across the water. I want to ask him about himself, but I know better. He won’t be able to tell me much. If his mother is here, she needs help—they need to disappear. Today, he’s Joshua. Tomorrow, he won’t be. Grandma will take care of them, help them start a new life. That’s what she does. That’s what I’ll do someday.

“How old are you?” he asks just as I’m bending down to search for more rocks.

“Twelve. You?”

“Thirteen. Do you live here?”

“No. I live in Hawaii with my parents.” I almost choke on my words—I don’t live with my parent’s anymore. I only live with my father. There’s no point correcting myself, for I’ll never see this boy again.

“Hawaii sounds like a cool place to live. How long have you been there?”

I chance a glance in his direction and see he’s relaxed a little, his body less stiff than it was on our walk down here. “About six months. My father is getting transferred to Germany right now, so I’m not going back.”

Joshua tilts his head, the hair that was covering his hazel eyes revealing his confusion.

“My father is in the Marine Corps, so we tend to move around a lot.”

“That must be fun, living in different places all over the world.”

“Not really. I’ll be going to school on base this time, and those schools aren’t a lot of fun. My father sees and hears everything that happens, so I can’t scratch my nose without him hearing about it. If I get a B on a test, he tends to find out before I do. The expectations are higher. I wish I could stay here, but my father won’t let me.” I try to hide the disappointment I feel, remembering my conversation with my father about moving here, but judging by the look on Joshua’s face, I know I’ve failed. Chin up. Everything will be fine in the end.

I’m not sure why I just told him all of that but it’s all the truth. I’m not looking forward to moving to Germany. I hate base schools. Normally, I’d have at least one companion, my mother, but anymore.

This time, I’ll be all alone.

“Madison,” I hear my grandma yell. I turn to find her and Carol standing on the back porch, waving for me to come back to the house.

“It looks like they want us to head back in,” I say as I start up the hill. Joshua follows without a word, a few steps behind me the entire way.

“I’m not ready to go back in yet. Do you think they would mind if we hung out here for a while longer?” he asks as we approach the porch.

“I can ask if you want.” I turn to find him standing a few feet behind me. He nods, a weak smile appearing on his lips. He looks sad and broken.

I wish there were something I could do to brighten his day.

Popping my head inside, I let Grandma know that Joshua and I are going to hang out on the back porch for a while longer. She must understand he needs more time because she agrees and promises to send Eloise, her housekeeper, out with snacks shortly.

“Are you hungry?” I ask as I take a seat in the grass next to him.

“A little,” he replies, shrugging.

“Eloise is going to bring us something to eat in a few minutes. I’m not sure what she’s bringing, but if you don’t like it, I’m sure she won’t mind making you something else.”

“Whatever she brings is fine. I’m not picky.”

“Well, I am. I hope she remembers.”

“Remembers what?” Joshua asks, turning in my direction, his curiosity piqued.

“What I do and don’t like.”

“Aren’t you here often?”

I can hear the confusion in his voice. I’m going to have to explain more of the arrangement my father and my grandma have. “Every summer. For a week.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, and normally we don’t stay around here. Grandma is going to be taking me to the beach in a few days and we’re going to spend some time there. Then she promised to take me shopping for school clothes before my father gets here to pick me up.” Picking at the grass beside me in an attempt to keep my emotions in check, I swallow back tears. I don’t want to think about going home yet.

“Sounds like fun.”

“It’s going to be a busy few weeks. I get to stay for two weeks this summer since I’m going all the way to Germany for at least a year.”

Staring out at the river, Joshua doesn’t respond so I let the conversation die. Eloise shows up a few minutes later with food, and we eat in silence. I pick at my sandwich, my appetite still not what it normally is. Joshua notices, but I make an excuse about not being super hungry—I’m not sure he buys it. The silence between us is allowing my mind to wander, and my mother is all I can think about.

“You look like you’re about to cry. Are you sure you’re okay?” I look up to find a concerned expression on his face.

“Yeah. Just a rough couple of weeks, I guess.” I try and brush it off, making it sound like it’s not a big deal, but I’m dying a little on the inside right now.

“Same here.” Joshua pauses and waits for me to look at him before he continues. “Want to talk about it?”

It can’t hurt to talk about it with him. If I cry, no big deal. I’m never going to see this guy again. Even if I do, I feel like I can trust him for some reason.

“My mother died.” Looking away, I blurt the words out before I lose my nerve.

Joshua gasps, but I can’t look up at him. Although I’m holding it together right now, I can’t bear to see the pity in his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” His voice is soft, making him sound much smaller than I know him to be.

Reaching over, he takes my hand in his, and I immediately lace our fingers together. He doesn’t pull away. Instead, he gives my hand a small squeeze, and I smile at the butterflies that awaken in my stomach. I’m not sure why, but I feel completely comfortable with him—even though I know nothing about him.

“Thank you. I’ll be fine in time. I just need to get past the shock. Because it was sudden, I wasn’t prepared for it. No one was. What hurts the most is I didn’t get to say goodbye. It’s like there’s a void in my life right now. That’s the best way I know how to describe it, I guess.” Opening up to someone, talking about her, feels good for a moment. Then silence falls again and with it comes the sadness.

“I can’t possibly imagine.”

I want to tell him more. I want to tell him the entire truth about it. She wasn’t strong enough to fight harder. Her demons were too dark. How do you tell someone your mother took her own life? It’s hard enough to know it’s the truth. It’s even harder to know it’s my fault.

“Want to go for a walk? I can ask my grandma if we can walk into town.” My words are rushed. I need to change the subject, and fast before the threatening tears begin to fall.

“Sure.”

After getting permission, Joshua and I start down the road toward my favorite place in town. The sun isn’t going to start setting for about an hour so we have plenty of time.

I’ve walked this path many times. Every summer Grandma and I come down here together. This will be the first time I’ve been here without her. I’ve never shared this with anyone else. Not my mother. Not my father. It’s always been just Grandma and me. I hope he likes it.

“Where are we headed?” Joshua asks as we turn toward town.

“My favorite place in New Bern. Since you’re new to town, I thought I’d show it to you. Every time I come to visit, Grandma and I come down here and watch the sunset together. I thought you might like it.”

“Cool.” Joshua shoves his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans and keeps his eyes trained on the ground ahead of him. Something is going on inside his head. I want to ask. I know I shouldn’t, that whatever is happening in his life is big, but I can’t help myself. I shared my story with him earlier, and it felt good to talk about it. Maybe talking about it will help him, too.

“Do you wanna talk about it? I know you’re not supposed to, but I figure since I don’t live here, and we probably won’t see each other again… you can talk to me if you want.” I put the ball in his court. If he wants to, he can. If not, I won’t hold it against him.

He doesn’t respond, and I take his silence as an answer. When the gazebo finally comes into view, I see that we’re right on time. I grab onto Joshua’s arm and pull him along, my excitement getting the best of me. He removes his hand from his pocket and laces our fingers together again. I look down and smile at the sight.

Taking a seat on the bench facing the water, I pull Joshua down next to me. I expect him to let go of my hand, but he doesn’t. Instead, he gently settles our hands on his leg. I fight the urge to move closer to him. There are only a few inches between us, but I want to feel his body against mine. As if reading my mind, he scoots closer until our arms and legs press together.

“I want to tell you my story, but you have to promise not to judge me. And you can’t tell my mother that I ever told you.”

Surprised by his admission, I nod my head, keeping my eyes focused on the water and the sinking sun. “My father likes to drink. When he drinks, he gets angry and stupid. He likes to beat on my mother for no reason. He’s been like that for as long as I can remember. My mom finally had enough of it and we left. That was two weeks ago. We’ve been running from city to city trying to avoid being found. We ended up at a women’s shelter two days ago, and they told us about your grandma.”

As his words fade, I find myself speechless. I don’t know what to say, but I know that I need to say something. “I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have had to see that, and your mother shouldn’t have had to deal with that. She must be a strong woman to put up with it for so long, but she’s an even stronger woman for leaving. That takes bravery. My grandma will help her, and you, I promise. She’s very good at what she does, and the Foundation will make sure that your father never finds you.”

“How can you promise me that? You don’t know my father.”

“Because I know my grandma.”

“But my father is a cop. He has connections. He will find us again. I just know it. That’s why we kept going. It felt like he’d find us if we didn’t.” His voice is shaky, the fear Joshua holds for his father very real in every word he speaks. There is nothing I can do or say to calm those fears.

“I need you to trust me, trust my grandma.” I hope he hears the sincerity in my words.

“My mother does. I can tell. She’s not nearly as on edge as she was before you showed up this afternoon.”

I noticed that earlier, too. She had a small smile on her face when I asked if we could go into town. I can’t imagine she would have let him wander that far away from her if she didn’t feel confident he’d be safe.

“Here,” I say as I reach into my pocket and pull out the friendship bracelet I found in my drawer when packing my bag last night. I don’t remember who its from. I can’t even remember what city I was leaving when it was given to me. What I do remember is the feeling that I wasn’t alone in this world when I shoved it in my pocket. Someone cared about me. Someone was thoughtful enough to give it to me. I wish I could remember her name. I’d write her a letter and thank her. “Take this. I may not be around, but anytime you get worried that your dad is going to find you, just remember what I said. You can trust my grandma.”

After placing the bracelet in Joshua’s free hand, I close it tightly. When I look up to smile at Joshua, I’m met with a look that I can’t quite describe. I don’t have time to think about it as his lips descend upon mine, and the butterflies that had gone dormant in my stomach come to life. My eyes close, my heart skips a beat, and I’m lost at what to do next. Both my hands are occupied holding his.

I’ve never been kissed before, but I can only imagine, as far as first kisses go, this is pretty amazing. Joshua’s lips are gentle against mine. I feel his warm breath against my cheek, and even that sends my heart into overdrive.

It doesn’t last long enough. Not for me. When he pulls back, I let out a breath and slowly open my eyes. Joshua is staring at me, grinning. The look he was giving me before is gone and has been replaced with one I can describe. Happiness.

Turning, I focus on the sunset that’s begun without us noticing. I can’t stop smiling, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see he’s smiling, too. When I arrived here today, I felt empty and alone. I don’t feel either anymore. I feel alive.

It’s not until we’re at the end of Grandma’s driveway that he breaks the comfortable silence that has descended upon us. Turning toward me, he takes both of my hands in his and looks directly into my eyes. What I see causes me to draw in a swift breath.

“How did I get so lucky at only thirteen? I found the girl of my dreams, and I wasn’t even looking for you. Do you really have to leave?”

Knowing I do and we won’t ever see each other again, I lay all my feelings out on the table. “People always tend to find each other when they least expect it. I never expected to meet you or to feel this way only days after losing my mother, but I do. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I’d love to spend more time with you, but that’s not in our cards. Neither of us will be here tomorrow. I’ll be headed to the beach with my grandma and then off to Germany. You’ll be headed to your new life with your mom, a better life, where you’ll be happy and safe. I’d never want to take that away from you. Even if it meant seeing you again.”

“Do you think we’ll ever see each other again?” I can hear the hope in his words.

“I hope so,” I reply.

“I’ll find you, Madison. It may take me another thirteen years, but I will find you.” The conviction in his words sends a shiver down my spine.

“I’ll be waiting.” The same hope I heard in his voice is now in mine. I want to promise him we’ll find each other again, but I don’t, knowing some things in life are not possible, no matter how much hope you hold.