Chapter 32
brooks
“What do you think?” Drew asks.
I lean back against the window ledge and take another look around the second floor of the old building, just off Wall Street. It’s the perfect location for the new gym. And the space is enormous. But the renovations were abandoned by the previous tenant, and it’s hard visualizing a gym around polystyrene drapes and scaffolding.
A lady called Gloria is showing Drew and me around. She’s a Realtor his firm regularly works with. “You need to think outside the box, Brooks. The space always looks smaller when it’s empty. Try to imagine yourself working out in here.”
“I think the ceilings are tall enough to have office space on a mezzanine level, like you do in your current place,” Drew adds, walking around in jeans, boots, and a hard hat that’s a match for mine, only his is red and mine is blue.
As I try to “think outside the box,” I receive a text message. The name on the screen is the last one I expected to see and the only one I’ve been hoping for.
I smile at a picture of Izzy in her sports gear, sitting on a bench, eating chocolate, and admitting that my interval training has got her fitness up.
God, it’s only one text message and I feel like I can breathe again.
I reply:
IT’S NOT JUST MY CARDIO TRAINING. THE SQUATS AND LUNGES HAVE GIVEN YOU MORE POWER IN YOUR QUADS TOO.
She replies in an instant and I actually laugh out loud when I read:
SMART ARSE!
With more energy than moments ago, I walk into the middle of the floor and turn on the spot. I see Izzy running on a treadmill with a view out to the Hudson. I see her pummeling a punch bag, her music playing in her ears, or maybe humming her own songs as she winds down in the stretch-out area.
“I’m in,” I say.
Drew throws an arm around my shoulder. “Let’s make this happen, buddy.”
On the sidewalk, after exchanging details and agreeing on a time to talk through next steps, I have a thought. “Gloria, do you also deal with residential apartments? I’m in the market for a new two bedroom. My only stipulation is a view.”
* * * *
Stopping the car in the usual spot I would pick up Cady—on the edge of the cul-de-sac—I give myself a pep talk. This is Alice. Just Alice. Sweet, beautiful Alice. She can’t hurt you anymore. You have to do this for Cady.
Putting the car in gear, I drive into the cul-de-sac, following Cady’s instructions. In front of a large detached house, I see the black Range Rover Cady told me would be in the driveway.
Come on, dude, keep your shit together.
Cady is already out of the house when I shut the door of the truck behind me. As she walks into my arms, I see Alice over her shoulder, standing in the doorway. She’s older. She doesn’t look exactly like my Alice. Her hair is a darker shade of blond. There are a few different colors, not one light shade, not like Alice in Wonderland. And her hair is short, just below her chin. But her big blue eyes are just the same. And she’s glowing, like she did when she was pregnant with Cady.
“She won’t bite,” Cady whispers into my ear.
For the first time, as I meet the stare of my Alice, I know she won’t bite. I also know she is no longer mine. The strange thing is, it doesn’t upset me, or anger me. The relief I feel carries me to the door.
Cady steps inside ahead of me and disappears down a long corridor, leaving just the two of us. Up close, Alice’s eyes are different. There are fine lines at the corners. Her once pale, clear skin has makeup partially covering freckles.
Her lips curve into a smile. That I recognize. The way her skin folds at the corners of her mouth. She’s the same Alice and yet so different.
“Hi, Brooks.”
“Hi, Alice.”
It’s hard to say which of us makes the first move. We end up locked in an embrace, squeezing each other hard. Holding the past and letting it go at the same time.
“Can we eat? I’m starving!” Cady shouts from somewhere, presumably the kitchen.
Alice and I pull apart, still smiling at each other. “You always did look beautiful pregnant.”
“You always said that and I always felt like crap.”
“I guess I missed that.”
“It’s good to see you, Brooks.”
“It’s good to see you too, Alice.”
I follow her along high-polished wood flooring, passing white walls filled with pictures of countryside and beaches, to a large kitchen. Cady is already perched at the farmhouse-style table.
“Richard, this is Brooks. Brooks, Richard,” Alice says.
Richard is around five ten in height and thinning around the crown. He turns from where he’s putting bacon onto four plates, wiping his hands down an apron as he does. He holds out his hand and I shake it. Firm, but not aggressive.
It turns out Richard isn’t the alpha douche I expected, ordering Alice around while he sits with his feet up in checked slippers, smoking a pipe all day. Go figure.
We eat bacon, eggs, and French toast. All cooked by Richard. It’s not the nightmare I have thought about for years. It’s…nice. Alice and I share a few glances and tell Cady and Richard a few stories of when we were kids. It’s surreal but fine.
Eventually, we get on to Cady’s drop-off day at college. We agree to all go with her. College fees are never mentioned. It was agreed a long time ago that I wanted to and would be paying those. But Richard does ask my permission to buy a few niceties to make Cady feel more at home in the dorm. I respect the guy for asking and I have no problem with it.
It’s hard to describe the weightlessness I feel as I drive back into the city. It’s like Alice, or the thought of her, has been a concrete block crushing my chest for so long, and now, everything feels easier, lighter somehow.
As I roll to a stop at a red light, my hand braced on the top of the steering wheel, I also realize for sure that what I felt, feel, for Izzy is nothing like what I have been feeling for Alice all these years. Alice was a sense of loss. Any happiness was nostalgia. If Alice is water, Izzy is fire. What I feel for Izzy is not calm, passive, past. It’s exciting, scary, hot, and so very present. It’s real, tangible, and something I want back.
Alice is happy without me. I see that. She was young when her parents told her she couldn’t be in love with me. Maybe…what if Izzy isn’t happy without me? What if she does want something different from what her parents want for her, and I was too damn scared to wait and find out?
As the light changes, I look down at my bicep and the image of Alice in Wonderland I had inked on me a lifetime ago. I make one more stop before I head home.