Chapter Seventeen
I stared at myself in the mirror. No amount of makeup was going to fix two black eyes, a badly swollen nose and a busted lip.
Jana sulked on my bed. “You are not wearing that crappy t-shirt on the first date you’ve had in a year.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my t-shirt and I went out with Matthew Brown three months ago.”
“He was a dog napper you were trying to bust,” Jana retorted.
“We had dinner, so technically it was a date.”
“You dumped your drink on his head.”
“The jerk groped me,” I countered.
“And you hit him with your van.”
“He was stealing another dog and shot at me.”
Jana threw her hands up. “It’s a miracle you’re still breathing.”
“You’re still mad about yesterday. It wasn’t my fault the bad guys tried to steal the cops’ motorhome. All I did was stop them.”
Tinkerbell barked.
“With Tinkerbell’s help,” I added.
Letting out an aggravated breath, Jana went into my closet and picked out a red silk blouse and a pair of black jeans. “Wear these. The outfit you have on makes you look like a homeless person.”
I glanced down. My jeans were a little holey. Crap, was that a bloodstain on the left shoulder? It was. Rescuing abused animals was hard on clothing. I took the shirt and jeans from Jana. “I didn’t mean to worry you, but evil is real. I can’t stand by and do nothing. It’s not in my nature.”
“Tell me about it. I’m buying you some body armor. When you go into your warrior mode, you’re utterly fearless.” Jana hugged me. “I don’t want you to end up in my mortuary.”
Tears welled in my eyes at the pain in hers. I hugged Jana back. “I will do everything in my power not to end up on a slab.”
“Pinkie swear?”
I hooked my little finger with Jana’s. “Pinkie swear.”
“Where is Dutch taking you?”
“Hilberto’s. Monday is all-you-can-eat fajitas,” I replied.
Jana’s mouth dropped open. “Are you shitting me?”
“No.” I didn’t like the crazed look in her eyes. “What’s wrong with Hilberto’s?”
Jana yanked the clothes out of my hands. “Forget changing. Homeless is the perfect look for this so-called date.”
“I thought I was the ideal woman for Dutch and he was sex on two legs?”
“He’s a cheap bastard.”
The doorbell rang. “Coming,” I shouted.
“No! I’ll get the door.” Jana stormed out with Tinkerbell on her heels.
I picked up the red silk blouse and held it up. Yikes! The color only highlighted my bruises.
Jana called, “It’s your dad.”
Huh? He usually just walked in. I groaned. Unless he was pissed. His “friend” at the police department must have told him about my little adventure yesterday. I grabbed a bottle of makeup. Maybe if I put enough on, it would disguise the bruising.
Dad stormed into my bedroom and fury filled his eyes. “Who?”
“A cage fighter who calls himself El Muerte,” Jana blabbed.
I held up a hand. “Relax. He’s locked up in the county jail.”
“Is he? A cold smile curved Dad’s mouth. “Good. I know people there.”
The doorbell rang again.
“I’ll get it!” I rushed past Jana and my father.
Jana tattled, “If Detective Callaghan hadn’t forced Kandi to help him, she wouldn’t look like she had gone three rounds with Muhammad Ali.”
I shot down the stairs, threw open the front door and yelled, “Run!”
Dutch’s eyes widened in surprise. “Why?”
Tinkerbell grabbed ahold of his jeans and tried to pull him away.
“Are you responsible for getting my daughter beaten up? Dad’s voice was a rumbling growl.
“Yes, sir, I am.”
I gasped, “That’s not true!”
Tinkerbell woofed urgently.
Dad’s fist shot out.
Dutch’s head snapped back from the blow and down he went.
“Did you hafta hit him?”
“No one hurts my daughter,” Dad snarled.
“I assaulted Dutch, not the other way around.” I kneeled beside Dutch and patted his cheek. “You okay?”
Tinkerbell licked his face and barked.
Dutch blinked, rubbed his jaw and sat up. “What did she say?”
“Next time, duck.”
“Good advice.” He eyed my dad warily. “Nice punch.”
“What are you doing here?” The look in my father’s eyes would send most men running for their lives.
“I’m taking Kandi out to dinner,” Dutch said calmly.
Jana snarked, “At Hilberto’s.”
Dad nodded his approval. “The best fajitas in town. I’ll drive.” He held out his hand to Dutch.
The detective took it and allowed my father to pull him to his feet. “It’s a date, sir.”
“Consider me your chaperone,” Dad said firmly.
I rolled my eyes. Once Dad made up his mind, nothing changed it. “Are you coming Jana?”
“I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
Ho. Ho. Ho. A red Chevy Malibu with antlers and a Rudolf nose drove up the drive.
Dutch chuckled. “The horn plays Christmas music?”
“It does.” I glared at my Dad. “You just had to call Mom?”
“You know how she gets,” he answered.
Boy, did I.
The Malibu pulled to a stop. Mom jumped out wearing her favorite Elf outfit, complete with red, green and white stripped leggings and curly toed shoes. “My sweet baby girl.” She embraced me in what I called her octopus squeeze. “Who did this to you?”
I patted her back. “I’m fine. I’m fine. Dad knows who he is.”
“Girl, you’re so hot if you had to enter the Arctic Circle, you would cause a melt-down,” a deep, raspy voice said.
Jana yelled in outrage, “You little pervert, quit humping my leg.”
“Knock it off Edgar or I’ll have Dad shoot you,” I snarled.
Dad grabbed Edgar by the back of his Elf tunic and lifted him high in the air. “You’re fired. You have sixty seconds to get off this property.” Dad gave him a hard shake. “Do you understand me?”
“Yes, sir.”
Dad dropped Edgar next to Dutch and smirked. “Your competition.”
The detective stared down at Edgar who barely topped his knees. “Tick tock.”
Edgar bolted.
“He’s fast for a little guy,” Jana commented.
I watched him disappear down the street. “Fear is a good motivator.”
Mom surveyed Dutch from head-to-toe. “You single?”
“I am.”
“Mom,” I protested.
Dad added, “He’s a homicide dick.”
“Oh,” Mom sighed. “Too bad. You’re so pretty.”
“If you want to cancel our date Dutch, I’ll understand.” I gave my parents the evil eye.
Mom perked up. “Date? Where are we going?”
“Hilberto’s,” Dad supplied.
“I love their tamales.” Mom got into Dad’s extended-cab truck. “Well? Let’s go.”
Dad motioned at us. “You heard the woman, let’s go.”
“Yes, sir.” Dutch picked Tinkerbell up and slid into the truck’s back seat.
Jana and I climbed in behind him.
“Scoot over Dutch, you’re hogging all the space,” Jana complained.
Tinkerbell bared her teeth at my BFF.
Jana threw her hands up. “What?”
“Tinkerbell says you’re touching Dutch,” I translated.
“Kinda hard not to. He takes up too much room.”
Dad started the truck and threatened, “Don’t make me come back there.”
“Just kill me now,” I moaned. The back of my neck began to prickle. I drew on my psychic abilities and searched for the source of danger. There. I turned, and my gaze locked on a tall form standing in the shadows. Sonovabitch. Samson. If he thought I was going to Pakistan to control those endangered white tigers for him, he was nuts. I gave him the one-fingered salute as we drove by.
Samson returned the gesture.
Juan Hilberto is living the American dream. He bought an old donut shop, painted it a glow-in-the-dark orange and turned it into a Mexican food restaurant without an ounce of ambiance. The walls are covered with awful velvet paintings of matadors, tigers and Elvis. The Mariachi music was a tad too loud, but the food was to die for.
Dad and Dutch filled their plates with fajitas, while us girls settled for tamales and guacamole.
No one paid any attention to a badly drooling Tinkerbell. I added some shredded beef to my plate for her.
The music drove us out onto the narrow patio full of battered picnic tables. For that little dash of romance, a homeless person snored loudly on the last table.
As soon as Dutch’s butt hit the bench, my mom turned into a Gestapo interrogator. “How often do you visit your mother?”
Dutch stared at her for a long moment. “My mother died when I was ten, I visit her grave once a year.”
You would think that would shut mom down, but nope, she was just getting started.
“Is your father still alive?”
“Enough Mom. It’s none of your business,” I interjected.
“Everything that happens to you is my business.”
Jana put her two cents in, “The detective’s father got mixed up with Natasha Leggero.”
“Who?” Mom piled guacamole on her tamales.
“You know, that drama queen with the ginormous boobs who was on the nightly news for months?”
“Oh! Her.” Mom cocked her head. “Does your father have a breast fetish Dutch?”
Dutch choked on his food.
My father kept eating.
I dropped my head into my hands. “Now you know why I don’t date.”
Mom changed her tactics. “Did you ever catch that Ninja Nun?”
A feral smile touched Dutch’s mouth. “I did.”
I gave him the stink eye. “Did not.”
Dutch’s cellphone rang. “Callaghan. What? I see. How severe are his injuries? That bad, huh? Ok. Have dispatch send a patrol car to pick me up at Hilberto’s on Glendale.” He disconnected and leveled a hard gaze on my Dad. “El Muerto was badly beaten in the jail cafeteria.”
Dad shrugged. “Shit happens in the county lockup.”
“So, it does.” Dutch leaned over and pressed a scorching kiss on my mouth. “Raincheck?”
“Um, yeah. Sure.” Holy cow could that man kiss.
“Without your parents this time,” Dutch added and strolled toward a patrol car pulling into the parking lot.
“Nothing worse than a smart cop,” Dad commented.
Mom lamented sadly, “Or a pretty one.”
“As dates go, I would rate this one as a big fat zero,” Jana said.
I stabbed my tamale. “Gee, I wonder why.”
“Don’t worry Kandi,” Mom patted my hand. “I’ll find you a nice young man.”
“You thought Edgar was a nice young man,” I complained.
“How about Timmy McDonald?”
“Are you serious? He’s only seventeen.”
Jana inserted, “I’m getting some fried ice cream. You want some Kandi?”
I grabbed Tinkerbell. “You betcha with lots of chocolate sauce.”
Tinkerbell barked in agreement.
After pigging out on fried ice cream, Dad drove us back to my house. Drawing on my psychic gifts, I cautiously scanned the area for Samson and let out a breath of relief. No sign of the CIA operative.
Mom hugged me. “I like your detective. I’ll see if I can talk your father out of killing him.”
A hysterical giggle escaped me. “Thanks, Mom, that would be swell.”
“Anything for my baby girl.”
“Let’s go woman,” Dad called.
“Keep your pants on Romeo,” Mom answered, getting into her car. She laid on the horn as she sped down the driveway. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho.
“Family. Gotta love ‘em,” Jana said dryly.
I snorted.
Dad leaned out the window of his truck. “Callaghan’s got a good rep. You could do worse.”
“Who are you and what have you done with my father?”
Dad laughed and put his truck in gear. “Don’t forget we have training on Thursday.”
“Yes, sir.” Jana and I watched him drive off.
Tinkerbell woofed.
“Yes, my parents like you.”
Tinkerbell barked happily.
“I’ve got to be going too. I have two funerals scheduled tomorrow,” Jana said.
“Do you still need me as an escort driver?”
“I do and no rude hand gestures this time.”
I let out a long sigh. “As long as people don’t try to run me down, you’ve got a deal.”
Jana hugged me and got into her Miata.
My psychic senses flared to life. “Cashing in on that raincheck already?”
Dutch moved into the light. “I am.”
I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer. “Pucker up princess.”
“I thought you would never ask.” Dutch tilted my head back and kissed me with a passion that left me breathless.
The end has come! But wait! Shenanigans Book 2: The Trouble with Tigers is coming soon! Really. Would I lie to you?
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