Chapter Nine
SOMETHING was up.
All day Marcus had gone out of his way to be cordial and civil to Tom. Overnight he had made a conscious decision to manage his emotions around the man. Nothing overfriendly, simply nodding in all the right places and answering questions and making sure his topics of conversation centered mainly around the girls. But Tom had barely spoken to him or made eye contact the whole day. Eventually, after asking twice if Tom was okay and getting a curt “fine” in response, he gave up trying and concentrated on keeping the girls entertained.
When Marcus first reached their house that dreary Sunday, he had walked in on Charlotte insisting they “go and see Mummy” before heading to the farm. Privately Marcus had been pleased to have been included in the family ceremony. As usual, they’d taken Tom’s car and had driven to the cemetery together. Initially Marcus had ascribed Tom’s moodiness to the somber ritual. He’d ached to tell Tom what he’d learned about Damian Stone, but he had never found the right time. Then, while Tom and Charlotte went to pick wildflowers together, Marcus had stayed under his huge umbrella with Katie.
Once they were on their way, apart from the awful weather—Sunday had brought the kind of light but nagging rain that fell constantly, not letting up for even a minute—the farm had been a delight. Small working farms like these managed to thrive by charging an affordable entrance fee, but then having farmhands explain to groups of children how farms worked and how produce ended up on their tables. And of course, there was always the farm shop, where you could buy homegrown organic produce. Even though this particular farm kept the story nice and simple, easy for the kids to understand without going into some of the more brutal details, Marcus could see Katie deep in thought when Charlotte was feeding one of the small pigs or petting a young calf’s head.
Fortunately the girls’ excitement and enthusiasm made the day for Marcus. Charlotte, in her bright yellow Wellington boots, purposely wading through puddles, reminded Marcus so much of a young Raine. And when Katie gasped on seeing the ponies, Marcus saw immediately how mesmerized she had become.
“Tom, would it be okay for Katie to ride one of the ponies?”
Tom had been keeping an eye on Charlotte, who currently stared mesmerized through the slats of a fence as a woman in dungarees fed a rowdy brood of chickens. When he turned to Marcus, he could not look him in the eyes. “I—uh—I’m not sure,” he said, staring past Marcus’s shoulder.
At first Marcus thought he understood. When Raine had been alive, she had steadfastly refused the girls riding lessons, citing a young cousin who had fallen and broken his neck in front of her eyes.
“What if I promise to walk alongside her? Keep an eye on her every step of the way?”
“It’s not that, Marcus. The ground’s slick with rain. What if the pony slips?”
“Ponies are hardy creatures. They’re used to all kinds of weather. Tell you what, I’ll even pay for the ride.”
Eventually Tom caved in. And as promised, Marcus stayed with Katie for the short trip, holding an umbrella over her head. Led by one of the farm staff, they took a very slow walk around the perimeter of the main building. When they came into view again, Tom stood by with Charlotte, the younger sister waving enthusiastically as the pony was led back to the starting point. Tom appeared happy to see Katie’s smile of delight.
“There we go. Back in one piece,” said Marcus, helping Katie down from the pony. From the look on Charlotte’s face, he felt certain she wanted to ask Tom if she could have a ride too. In order to sidetrack her, he immediately called out, “Anybody fancy a cup of hot chocolate and a slice of fruitcake from the farm café?”
“Me,” said Charlotte, holding her hand in the air while jumping up and down on the spot.
As they walked toward the small tea shop, the girls together in front holding hands, Marcus turned to Tom and grinned.
“The café treat was a cunning ruse. Because I thought Charlie might ask for her turn on the pony. And that might not have been such a good idea.”
Tom continued to move forward, unsmiling, staring ahead at his girls. “She wouldn’t have. Katie might like horses, but Charlie’s terrified of them.”
“Okay,” said Marcus with a shrug. “I didn’t know that.”
“How could you? You’re not their father.”
For some reason the comment felt coldly dismissive, and Marcus retreated to having minimal interaction with Tom for the rest of their day out.
Naturally, the drive home went by in silence, but happily, this time, without any incidents. When they pulled up outside Tom’s house, Marcus fully expected Tom to bid him a cursory farewell after they’d carried both sleeping girls into the house. Marcus settled Katie on an armchair in the living room. From behind him, Tom finally spoke.
“Cup of tea, Marcus?”
“Oh. That would be lovely. Thanks, Tom.”
“And I need to talk to you.”
“Okay,” said Marcus, his heart racing. “Let me just pop upstairs and get the girls a blanket. No doubt they’ll be awake before long, but best keep them warm in the meantime.”
Heavy footsteps on the stair carpet caught him unaware. He had wanted these few moments to mentally prepare himself for whatever bad news Tom was going to sling at him. Twisting around from his vantage point crouching at the girls’ closet door, he witnessed Tom stride into the bedroom and scan the space, bewildered. Below eye level and part hidden behind Katie’s bed, Marcus took a moment to study the man. At any other time he would have felt incredibly aroused in the presence of someone whose firm thighs, broad chest, and chiseled chin represented the very essence of masculinity. But he had been at the receiving end of Tom Bradford’s foul mood before and wanted no part again. The moment their eyes met and Marcus rose from the floor, the bigger man faltered to a stop.
When he saw Tom’s expression, his heart froze. He knew Tom well enough to know thoughts bubbled beneath the man’s surface, but he articulated nothing to allay Marcus’s fears. Now he worried that he had messed up again.
“Before you say anything,” said Marcus, hoping to preempt the cause of the conversation, his heart pounding, “I want to apologize. I should never have insisted on Katie riding that pony today. Going against Lorraine’s wishes. And it was unfair to put you in a position to force the decision.”
“I made that choice, not you. And I would do the same again. This is not about that.”
In an effort to bolster himself, Marcus folded his arms tightly. Tom’s steely expression said everything. This was not going to be an easy conversation, whatever the subject. Marcus felt a dryness in his throat.
“Is this about seeing women?”
“No. Well, yes. Partly.”
Maybe Tom could mask his expression, but the flinch of his eyes betrayed the difficulty he was having trying to articulate what he needed to say. Marcus knew he could make things easier if he wanted, but to hell with that. Why should he? Whatever the news, it was clearly not good. Without saying another word, Marcus stood his ground, glaring at Tom, arms folded even tighter, waiting for the other man to speak.
“We’re being unfair to you, Marcus. You’re doing far too much. Mum thinks we shouldn’t be relying on you so heavily. Should give you a chance to find your own life.”
“Moira said that?”
“Yes.”
“Meaning what, exactly? You don’t want me to see you and the girls anymore?”
“No, of course not. Well, perhaps not as much.”
“And how do the girls feel about that?”
“They’ll be fine.”
“And John?”
“What do you mean?”
“What does your father think about his wife’s brilliant suggestion?”
“That’s beside the point. The fact is I agree with her.”
And there it was. One card shown. Tom wanted him to back away. Unable to speak for a few seconds, Marcus was unprepared for how much that declaration hurt.
“This is my life, Tom. Mine to use how I want. Helping you and my goddaughters is my choice, always has been. Even when Raine was alive.”
“And you’ve been amazing. Truly. But having a female presence in their lives, even if it’s not their mother, could only be good for the girls.”
Another slip. Another card shown.
Marcus could not stop the disappointment showing in his face. Even though he thought he had done well nurturing the girls when Tom could not be there, having the soft touch of a caring woman in their lives someday in the future might be good for them. But not so soon. Maybe Tom sensed Marcus’s feelings, because he quickly added, “I haven’t seen anyone yet. Call me old-fashioned, but I can only hold feelings for one person at a time. Unlike my teammates at the club, I can’t just turn them on and off to suit.”
“What is this about, then?”
“I’m doing this for the girls.”
“So what?” said Marcus, surprised at the force of emotions that hit him. “My job here’s done, is that it? Thanks for playing, Uncle Marcus, but we don’t need you around so much anymore?”
“No, that’s not what I mean—” said Tom, shaking his head. “Why is this so hard for me?”
“Hard for you?” said Marcus. His eyes burned now, despite attempts to hold his emotions at bay. “If you really want me to back out of your lives, you at least owe me a truthful explanation. Who wants me to back away? Is it your mother?”
“No, Marcus. The decision is wholly mine.”
“But why?” he cried before clenching his jaw and stepping into Tom’s personal space, causing the bigger man to back away a step. “I love those girls. Like they’re my own. And I thought I was helping you. Thought I was making things better, making a difference.”
“You are. You have. But—”
“But what?”
“All right,” said Tom, gently pushing Marcus away from him. “The problem is mine, okay?”
“With what?”
“With you.”
“Me? I don’t understand.”
“I can’t be in the same room as you, Marcus. Not without—”
Marcus felt shame creep across his face and couldn’t bear the sudden pause, wanted to fill the silence. What the hell had he done to embarrass the man? Was this about him being gay? Was this about the woman at the water park who thought they were a couple?
“Without what? Come on, Tom,” said Marcus, his voice softening to a plea. “Tell me. I thought we were getting along much better now. What did I do?”
“You didn’t do—” said Tom, expelling a heavy breath and staring at the ground. Defeated, he leaned against the doorframe, put a hand to his hairline, and pushed a handful of hair back. “For fuck’s sake. Why is this so hard?”
“You need to tell me, Tom. Tell me what I did wrong. So I can try to fix it.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. And there’s nothing to fix. You’ve just been… you. I know it sounds clichéd, but this is really about me, not you. Oh hell, how do I begin?” said Tom, his voice calming as his steady blue eyes met Marcus’s. “You’re right, we are getting along much better. But the problem is I’ve—oh shit—I’ve developed feelings for you, Marcus. Okay? Beyond brotherly affection. And it’s confusing the hell out of me. Six weeks ago you left to go traipsing around New York for almost a month. A whole bloody month. Left me trying and failing to do everything for the girls without my copilot. Without my best friend. Felt as though my arm had been amputated. And when you turned up at my mother’s house that Sunday you flew back, the moment I chanced to look up and spot you smiling that goofy bloody smile of yours…. Fuck. Something plowed right into me. Thought I’d been run over by an express train. I wanted to leap across the garden, wrap you in my arms, and kiss the life out of you. No matter who was watching. Wanted to throw you over my shoulder, haul you inside, and fuck you senseless. Until you promised never to leave again.
“That night I lay awake, disgusted at myself, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I told myself that once you were back home for a while and things got back to normal, the feelings would go away. But it’s the opposite. Like they’ve been unleashed into the wild and now I can’t haul them back. Lately they’re never far from my thoughts. And whenever I see you, they hit me hard. And I’m sick with worry that I might act on them one day and scare you off forever. And I can’t let that happen, not again. But if you could just please be a little less present in our lives—in my life—I might be able to cope better when you’re around.”
Marcus hadn’t realized his mouth was hanging open until his own startled voice sounded. “Fuck, Tom.”
Marcus knew he should say something more, but words had abandoned him. Tom, his idea of an ideal man, fancied him? Him. Wanted to kiss him? To fuck him? Maybe this could have happened in one of his rare erotic dreams, but in real life?
One look at Tom’s tortured expression told Marcus he meant every word. Moreover, Tom would never joke about such a thing. Had Marcus inadvertently given off signals of attraction? If so, he had no idea when, had recently done his damnedest to distance himself from Tom. Besides, Marcus considered himself pretty skilled at letting men know if he was attracted to them. His gaydar rarely let him down. Until this. Worst of all, what was he supposed to do with this little nugget?
“You see. I’ve disgusted you.”
His head lowering, Tom folded his arms around his chest, his misery palpable. Marcus took the opportunity to study this incredibly handsome man he had worshipped for years, while in his head the words “fuck you senseless” kept repeating over and over.
“No, you haven’t. I’m just—surprised, maybe, but not disgusted. Shit, Tom, give me a minute to process this—”
“God knows I didn’t make it happen. I’ve only really ever had feelings for one person.”
“I know.”
“Before Raine, I didn’t have any—you know—serious thoughts about anyone else.”
“Yes, I know.”
“I mean, I dated a couple of women at college, but nothing serious, and I never once contemplated being with a bloke. Not that I think it’s wrong or anything, it was just never something I’d—you know—thought about, let alone something I’d want to try. Christ, the male body just isn’t aesthetically pleasing like a woman’s. Well, apart from yours in those bloody swimmers, which also confused the hell out of me. Shit, this is not coming out right—”
“For fuck’s sake, Tom,” said Marcus, half laughing. “Shut up a minute, will you?”
“Honestly, Marcus,” said Tom, pushing a hand through his hair again and staring at the carpet. “I’m sure that if I ever acted on any of these urges, I’d be as repulsed as you. So can you just let me have the chance to get out there and start seeing women again? See if I can fix this thing inside me? No, I don’t want you to stop seeing the girls, but if we could perhaps do less together as a family, see a little less of each other, things might….”
For a fleeting moment, Marcus wondered if he should have taken the opportunity to kiss Tom. But something in his friend’s heartfelt plea begged for understanding. And the last thing Marcus wanted to do was scare Tom away completely, to lose his friendship. Because so far, at least, he had been the perfect friend.
“Okay, stop now, Tom. You’ve made your point. And you should know by now that I’d do anything to see you happy again. So let me talk to Moira. I’ll tell her it’s my idea, tell her it’s to do with workloads. I’m sure we can move the schedule around so we’re less dependent on each other. Give you the chance to get out there and mingle in the real world. But please, Tom. One condition.”
“Go on.”
“Don’t treat me any different. I’m still the same friend you can call on whenever you need me. Deal?”
For the first time since he had entered the bedroom, Tom’s face brightened. “Deal.”