I didn’t look back as I hopped into my Range Rover and drove off. That feeling of being freed was strong and I no longer felt like there was led in my gut. I hadn’t felt this good since the day I agreed to marry her.

I spoke too soon because I didn’t get far before I became suddenly ill, like I had to throw up. I breathed in deep as my vision blurred and my heart rate sped up. What the hell?

I shook my head to clear it but that only brought more pain and the ache in my gut intensified. There was a drum beating in my temples and the light glare from the streetlights and oncoming cars seemed too bright. Like piercing lasers shooting into my skull.

My head began to spin and I got the shakes. Bile rose up in my gut and I knew I was going to pass out. What the hell? I’d been feeling off all evening, ever since I got to Mindy’s place but nothing like this.

I’d blamed it on the guilt I felt because I knew what I had to do, but now the feeling was more intense. I felt like I was about to lose control, like my limbs were about to give out on me.

This wasn’t from guilt, I felt physically sick. If I didn’t know better I’d swear I’d been drugged. But the only thing I ate all day was some of the dinner she’d prepared and I hadn’t even eaten that much.

The one drink I’d allowed her to pour me wasn’t enough to knock me on my ass, unless the shit was spiked. Could she in some misguided attempt to get me into bed have put something in the drink she’d made me?

Nah couldn’t be; this had to be something else. She’s not the type to do such a thing. I felt bad for even thinking that shit for even a second. But what could it be?

I didn’t have an answer but I knew something was very wrong. Was my mind plaguing me so much that it had manifested itself in this way? Stranger things have happened I guess.

I stopped just down the street from her house because my hands were trembling too hard to hold the wheel any longer. Bile made its way rapidly up my chest from my gut and I heaved.

I took deep breaths to calm the storm raging inside my chest as I felt myself begin to spin rapidly out of control. I told myself I just needed to fight off whatever this is long enough to make it the rest of the way home.

Resting my head on the steering wheel, I tried to get my bearings. Is this because I’d almost betrayed ‘her’? Is this my penance for even thinking that I could marry someone else when I was still hers?

I wouldn’t be surprised. That’s the kind of hold she has on me, the kind we have on each other. But somehow that didn’t fit either. Usually that shit would fuck with my head and eat away at my gut. This was something else entirely.

I tried to remember what I’d done that day but my thoughts were fractured and kept going all over the place. My mind decided to choose now to play tricks on me and kept going back and forth between the past and the present.

My life played out behind my closed eyes in a kaleidoscope of color. I saw my woman as she was before she disappeared; saw our happy times together. And just as quickly those visions faded to be replaced with the present.

I tried to hold onto my fleeting thoughts without success even as I tried to figure out what kind of bug I’d caught that could do this to me.

There was a burning sensation in my gut now and my head began to spin faster as nausea struck. My thoughts drifted in and out as I broke out in a cold sweat. My limbs felt numb and there was a ringing in my ear as I fought to hold on to consciousness.

What the hell is happening to me? Where was this coming from all of a sudden? Maybe I’m coming down with the flu. But why so sudden when I’d been fine all day? And since when does the flu fuck with your head like this?

I rested my head back and clenched my eyes tight, willing myself to breathe until the shaking stopped and I could breathe again. As the pain in my head eased I looked around as I tried to make sense of what had just happened.

When I left her house I’d felt almost like I was escaping. I’d felt a strong feeling of suffocation from the moment I arrived this evening. I’ve been feeling like that a lot here lately the more time I spent in her presence.

I knew it was my guilt for not loving her the way I should, the way she wanted me to, and even now I felt bad. I should’ve known that it wouldn’t work even when I tried telling myself that it could.

I never even bought her a ring, something she’d mentioned more than once. What’s more, I couldn’t even bring myself to pronounce my wife dead or file for divorce just in case she was alive somewhere, which is my fervent hope.

Now that I think about it, I can’t believe I’d even thought of doing such a thing. How had I let Mindy and mom talk me into this wedding shit?

I couldn’t quite remember now, but I know I must’ve agreed since this evening she’d only talked about the wedding.

She’d been so excited. Her every word had been about the plans she was making for the big day. Maybe that’s why I’d freaked, and why I’d finally come to my senses and put an end to the madness.

I’d known since the beginning that I wasn’t in love with her. That I’d never love another woman the way I love my wife. She knew it too, everyone did. It wasn’t a fucking secret and everyone who knew me knew this as fact.

But after I’d given into the pressure from her and everyone else around me that seemed to think that marriage to her was the answer, was the way to bring me back to life, I’d made myself commit if only to shut them the hell up.

She was a dear friend, someone I trusted and if there was no love at least there was that. I never in a million years would’ve thought myself capable of hurting her, not after the way she’d been there for me during the worst time of my life.

So why had I reacted so strongly? Why had I been so cruel? Why had I looked at her with hate in my heart when she mentioned our wedding day? Maybe that’s why I’m feeling the way I am now. I could’ve handled that better I think.

Now that I was away from there the whole thing seemed like an act in a play. I have never been so unconscionable in my dealings with anyone, especially not someone who had been so kind to me when I needed it.

But somehow tonight when I was near her, hearing her talk about our wedding, I actively hated her, hated myself for being there. She…repulsed me. It made no sense, and I had no answers for any of it.

I just know that the thought of her or anyone else walking down the aisle to meet me left a sick feeling in my soul. I didn’t want her, didn’t want anyone else but my woman. The woman who it now seemed was never coming back.

That old familiar pain hit me in the gut and I blinked away sudden tears. Will I ever get over this? Will there ever come a day when she doesn’t haunt me? Even when I knew I loved her, I never knew love could be like this.

That it could consume you in every way, even when one half of that love was gone. In my head as I thought of ‘her’ the memories came back like wisps of smoke.

Once I could remember her clearly, now it was getting harder and harder these days. When had that started happening? I can’t seem to recall.

When had I started losing the memory of her, of our life together? When had I started needing to look at a picture to remember what her face looked like? When had the very thought of her become too much to bear?

Whenever it was, they were back now in full force. I could almost smell the sweet scent of her perfume, hear her tinkling laugh in my ear as she teased me about something or other. It was as if she were here beside me; the feeling was so strong. And that last night together before she disappeared…

I’d spent it buried deep inside her, riding her hard as I whispered how much I loved her in her ear. I could still feel the sting of her nails as they bit into my flesh when she came.

Feel the warm sweetness of her pussy juice as it coated my cock that kept driving into her even as she throbbed around my pounding flesh. Her screams of pleasure…

I tried pushing those thoughts aside. Thoughts I’d had to let go for my own sanity. But even as I tried the memories kept flashing back and forth in my mind. My woman looking up at me with such love in her eyes they shone bright.

I fought back each memory as quickly as it tried to materialize. I knew if I let them they’d take me over again and I’d go back to being lost. I’ve been able in the past few months to keep them at bay, but tonight they were a force to be reckoned with.

The more I fought to dispel them, the faster they came. I could hear her calling for me, could hear the fear in her voice as I’ve imagined it a thousand times. All the questions returned about that day, the day she left me.

What had really happened? Had she walked away like the cops believed? Or was it like I’ve always felt, and someone had taken her? And if so, who why?

Where was she right now? Was she hurt was she even alive? Was someone even now …No I can’t let myself go there, I can’t bring myself to think of such darkness where my baby was concerned.

I pounded my fist against the steering wheel in frustration as I ruthlessly pushed the thoughts aside. Only this time they refused to leave me, taking over my mind completely.

I was too weak to fight anyway as whatever sickness this was that I’d come down with was sapping all my energy, leaving me open and at the mercy of the thoughts in my head.

As if on a reel those thoughts kept playing over and over again until I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I relived the hell of not knowing all over again like I hadn’t already suffered this shit for the better part of two years.

Like I hadn’t had to fight like hell to erase them from my mind so that I could go on living day by day. I rubbed my hand over the sudden ache in my chest. “I can’t go through this again. Fuck me, no.”