Chapter Thirteen
Stupid, so fucking stupid.
Zane didn’t know what the fuck he had been thinking last night. Well, he knew what he was thinking with, but that was no excuse.
Letting himself getting carried away was one thing, but then to be so stupid after that. He hadn’t even thought about the repercussions of what they were doing, only how much he wanted to sink into her sweet body, like some dumb teenager, not a grown man who was supposed to be concentrating on protecting a woman from the Russia mafia.
Zane grunted. Just the thought of her even now made him half hard with need for her. Damn his body.
He shook his head and glanced over to Ellen next to him in the car.
They hadn’t said much after he sat with her on the couch. She’d said she was tired and gathered her clothes before heading off into the bedroom, where she closed the door behind her.
The way she’d rushed out, she likely wanted to forget what had happened between them. It was clearly pity sex.
Zane remembered the way she looked at him, the way she touched his scars. She just felt bad for him, felt bad he had to go through it. There was no deeper connection. He was sure of it.
He should have understood that the night before, but he had been so caught off guard by her being next to him. At the time, it seemed like somehow telling her his story was the right thing to do.
Even now, despite what had happened, he still didn’t regret that part. A huge weight had left his soul now that he’d told his secret. It didn’t matter if he never told another person, it felt like he’d started to finally truly put his past behind him.
At least now it was out there. He didn’t have to continue hiding that part of his life. It sucked ass but whatever, so did a lot of things, and at least it’d make future conversations less awkward.
Ellen shifted in her seat, and hints of the vanilla shampoo he’d picked up for her drifted into his nose. He hardened.
Zane shook himself.
It was not going to happen. He’d already fucked up by being with her. She didn’t need a piece of shit like him in her life. El was better than that. Better than him.
He’d known that for a long time. He knew it when they left each other’s lives five years before. She deserved more than what a piece of shit like him could give her, and he was sure he’d never be able to make her happy. Not for any long period of time anyway.
Sadness weighed down his heart. Being with her had been the happiest moment he could remember until it all came crashing down on him because of his own lack of planning.
And despite how much he cared for her, it likely would have been better if he never knew just how amazing she actually was in bed. Now, every time he saw her, that would be all he’d be able to think about.
Zane cleared his throat. He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything. Maybe it was better if things were awkward and uncomfortable. That’d keep them both focused on figuring out how to save her from the mob.
Of course, after all this was over, they wouldn’t really have a reason to see one another again. That was it.
They could just part ways, and things could go back to the way they were, with him focusing on work and not taking any woman too seriously.
It was a perfectly fine way to live. No mess. No trouble. Most of all, no risk for anyone but him.
The one thing he promised himself was that he’d never let himself be like his stepfather. He liked to think he wouldn’t ever be like that man, but he’d never been in a long-term relationship. Maybe he’d turn into a worse piece of shit eventually. The best way to make sure that didn’t happen was to never get too close. It would kill him if he ever hurt El.
Loving a person meant protecting them. Even if it meant protecting them from yourself.
The truth was Zane knew what he was capable of. He didn’t get into his line of work because he was good with computers. Using his fists was a way of life, and one he was good at. It just didn’t make for very good boyfriend or husband material.
Sure, he’d never hit a woman in his entire life, but he still worried that living surrounded by violence for so many years had stained his soul in a way that even the love of a good woman couldn’t fix.
All of that would have to wait. They had a job to do, and that involved getting into that casino party. Unlike last night, a lack of preparation could get them killed.
It was time to focus.
They pulled up just outside their destination, a beauty shop, and he peered into the glass.
“Now Tanya doesn’t know what we’re going to do,” Zane said. “Her brother works with me, and I don’t want him getting involved. If he smells something dangerous, he’ll try and help us out.”
Ellen nodded quietly.
“I’ve told her you want a new color, something really different, and that we’re going to a fancy party,” he said. “She picked out a few things for you to wear.”
She looked over at him, a blush on her cheeks. “How did you know what size I wear?”
He averted his eyes. “I looked at your tags so I could tell her.”
Zane didn’t wait for her to reply and jumped out of the car. He hurried over and opened the passenger’s side door before holding out his hand to help her out.
The moment they touched, sparks raced down his spine. A deep hunger burned inside him, and if they weren’t out in public, he was fairly certain he would have tossed her over the nearest object and fucked her raw again.
All the reasons he knew it was a bad idea didn’t seem to matter. His body craved her like a drug. Lust consumed his rational thoughts.
As soon as she was out of the car, he yanked his hand back. It was that exact sort of thinking that he needed to stop. He couldn’t be thinking about how much he wanted to fuck her when they were planning on facing down the Russians later. If he didn’t bring his A game, Ellen might end up hurt or worse.
Zane threw open the shop door. The bells overhead rang so loudly he thought they might fall off with the strength of the movement.
“Jesus.” Tanya jumped. “Trying to take the fucking door off?”
He sighed. She was right of course. He was frustrated, and the door was the nearest thing to abuse.
“Gust of wind,” he mumbled.
Tanya gave him a wry smile. One well-manicured brown brow arched on her heart-shaped face. He hated when she did that. The small young woman might look sweet and innocent, but he knew her to be anything but that.
“Didn’t know your own strength?” She smirked.
Zane sighed. He didn’t have time for her games today. She seemed to enjoy annoying him, and he wasn’t in the mood.
“This is Ellen,” he said and nodded at the woman beside him. “I’m kind of on a tight schedule, so are you going to help her out or not?”
Tanya rolled her eyes. “When did you get to be no fun?”
Zane shook his head and refrained from rolling his own eyes. “I’ve never been any fun.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Tanya mumbled.
He ignored the comment. She flirted with all the guys, and he knew she didn’t mean anything by it when it came to him. He’d been around her enough times to know that there was only one guy that held her attention, but unfortunately for her, there was no way in hell that was ever going to happen.
Either way, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t his problem.
Zane turned to Ellen. “You’ll be safe here,” he said as quietly as he could. Although Tanya looked like she was busy setting up, he knew that woman was all ears.
Ellen nodded. All day she had been quiet, and although there were about a million things he’d like to say, they just didn’t have the time for it.
He could see the worry on her face, and his heart sank that he needed to leave. Normally he wouldn’t have, but he needed to see his old friend Charlie about some tickets to the damn party.
Zane would have preferred not to get Charlie involved, but he was one of the few friends from his old life that he stayed in contact with.
If he knew any other way, he wouldn’t ask, but at the same time, Charlie knew the score, so this wouldn’t be involving someone who didn’t know what was at stake.
Zane figured just looking the part wasn’t going to be enough, and Charlie was the best way they had at getting an all-access pass.
“I’ll be fine,” Ellen said quietly.
Her voice was so small and weak, and for the first time, he could see just how pale she looked.
Something in him broke. Without thinking he pulled her hard against his chest and sighed when her arms went around him. His heart beat hard in his chest.
Ellen looked up to him, and he placed a soft kiss against her lips. With anyone else it would mean nothing, but with her, it meant everything.
He pulled away slowly, already kicking himself for giving in again, but he tried to convince himself he’d only done it to make her feel better.
The lie didn’t sit well with him. He did it for himself, and he was likely going to hell for how much he needed her, but the truth was there.
Ellen stared up at him, her eyes still somewhat sleepy from the kiss.
He gave her a small squeeze and a nod before stepping back. Better to get away before he decided to do anything else.
Without another word, he strolled out of the shop.