Bram holds me all night. We talk, and sleep, and wake up to talk again. He fucks me with me on top, and standing up with his elbows looped under my knees.

Around four in the morning, he wraps me in his arms again and asks what I saw in James. I hold nothing back.

James was my escape, I tell him, the one person who let me be myself. We didn’t share a lot of chemistry, but at the time it didn’t matter. I thought he loved me for me. Not my body, not what he wanted me to be, but the flawed person I was.

After tonight, I don’t know anymore. Maybe he loved that I asked so little of him. Maybe he was too obsessed with work and his ex-girlfriend to care.

When I wake in the morning, Bram is gone. There’s a note on the nightstand. Hope you’re okay. Call me. I touch my mouth. I can still feel the heat of his goodbye kisses on my nose and lips.

I sit up in bed. Something feels wrong. No, not wrong. Different.

The familiar crushing feeling in my chest. The horrible certainty that I’ll never be happy again. That I don’t want to be happy. It’s gone.

For years I idealized James. I ignored the red flags so I could hold onto my dreams. Delusions were better than the death of love. I couldn’t afford to lose him. I didn’t have a family that loved me, and if I didn’t have James, I had nothing.

Now I have everything. I have Bram, and I have the truth.

I still grieve for James, but it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t think it will ever again.

I get out of bed and take a shower. I’m still sad and in shock, but it helps to have a job to do. I have a busy week ahead, and a protective man I want so much to impress.

The next two days are a whirlwind of phone calls, visits to florists, and meetings with catering companies. The invitations have already been printed and sent out. I’ve invited one-hundred and seventy-six guests, from CEOs and bank presidents to a graffiti artist and a burlesque performer. To save time, RSVP’s are by email only. I can’t wait to see who responds.

I love driving Bram’s car into the city and feeling free. I love having places to be and things to do. No matter how many times I hear the words no, or we need more time, I hand over his credit card and pay my way out of it. He did give me an unlimited budget, after all. And the only way to make this event happen on his timetable is to throw money at every obstacle in our path.

This was the person I was meant to be. Competent. Driven. Free of the past. Loved. And more than anything, Bram makes me feel loved.

I lie awake at night thinking through every detail, from the seating arrangements to the makeup the servers will wear. I’ve hired a makeup artist who promises he can bring my vampy vision to life with dark red lipstick, false eyelashes, and smoky eyeliner. Their hair will be pulled into topknots. They’ll be naked except for heels and chandelier earrings, and of course, gold body paint.

It’s strange to give my attention to something else besides Bram, but he wants more than a party. He wants me to pour my soul into one night of beauty. He wants my strength and independence, and that’s what I’m going to give him.

Three days before the event, I meet Stephanie to go dress shopping. She helps me pick out a slim white gown with netting for the sleeves and most of the body. It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen, and it covers almost nothing.

Stephanie looks at the price tag and gives me a confused frown. “Bram told you to buy anything you wanted? Even if it costs as much as a small car?”

“Maybe a small used car,” I say, and we laugh.

It takes me ten minutes to slither into the dress and zip it up the side. When I come out of the dressing room, Stephanie shakes her head.

“It’s perfect on you,” she says. “Your father would kill you if he saw you in it.”

“Sold,” I say.

Afterwards we walk to the most elegant bakery in the city for a cake sampling. They know my timeline, and they’ve promised to deliver my order on Saturday even if they have to bake for two days straight. One 5- tier cake per table. Eight trays of truffles filled with different kinds of liquor. A chocolate fondue fountain.

Over German chocolate and coconut cream, I tell Stephanie everything. Well, almost. I leave out parts like how I got to Bram’s house, my escape, and my four hours as a missing person.

She’s so happy for me. She’s happy that I lost my virginity. She’s happy that I’ve gained weight. She’s happy that I’m happy. And that’s all I could ever want.

Since she has a wedding Saturday night, she makes me promise to take a hundred pictures of Bram’s dinner party. I promise her twice that many, plus videos.

“I still don’t understand why you quit Divine,” she says. “I mean, I got a promotion and a raise out of it, but still.” She makes a sad face. “I miss you.”

I take a big bite of maple cheesecake and smile. “You won’t when I’m your competition,” I say with a full mouth.

She stick her tongue out at me and steals the rest of the German chocolate off my plate.