We are moving fast but what I said to her is true. And even more true, more urgent, since I’ve met her. This feeling I’ve always had that my life would be a short one, it’s on my mind more and more and I can’t shake it like I could before. Maybe it’s because of what’s happening with my mother. The reality of the fragility of human life. My own mortality staring me in the fucking face. It’s like everything is going at warp speed. Like what I said to my father a few nights ago about a reckoning—it’s coming. It’s coming for me.

My hands are dirty.

No, not dirty. That’s too easy.

They’re blood soaked.

Maybe that’s why she draws me? She says she knows, but she doesn’t, not really.

I think back to the night of the convenience store robbery. I remember telling her to close her eyes. She did without question, trusting me, a man—a stranger—with a gun. A man who leaves destruction in his wake. To whom darkness clings. She didn’t see me take aim at the asshole who would have raped her. Didn’t see me shoot, point blank, the terror in his eyes only fueling me. Giving me power.

No, I don’t think she can imagine this. She may think she knows, but she cannot fathom the depths of the darkness that is my life. I am a monster. It’s the beast I’ve created and fed.

Maybe in some way, I hope her innocence will absolve me. Even as I know that for someone like me, there is no absolution. I’m hell bound. I will burn for what I’ve done, for the sins I’ve committed. And I don’t deny that’s where I belong. But I want my time first. I want my time with her even though I know it’s selfish. Even though I know I should walk away now before things get more confused.

Because they’re already confused as fuck.

And when she mentioned the other things, the lack of birth control, I don’t know what I was thinking. What I did before I left—rubbing my cum into her—in a way, what she said, the fact that a child is a possibility?

Fuck.

I don’t even know what I’m thinking. What I’m doing. What do I want? To put a baby inside her? What the fuck is wrong with me? She’s still in school. She’s got her whole life ahead of her. And what if I’m right? What if I’m not around for long? What the fuck am I doing to her? How much more selfish can I be?

For the last few nights, I’ve been determined to have ‘normal’ time with Natalie. Drinks, dinner and sex. A lot of sex. Tonight, I’m picking her up and bringing her to my house.

I park at my usual spot at a lot two blocks away, tipping the attendant generously. I get a text from my father.

“Why the fuck is it so hard for you to do me this one goddamned favor?”

I roll my eyes. I know what he’s talking about and I’m going to have to talk to Eric. I realize he’s on my father’s payroll, but still.

I stop to text him back. “I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”

My phone rings a moment later.

“You make sure Eric drives you. I don’t like you out there on your own. We have enemies, Sergio. You fucking know this.”

“Fine. Christ.”

“Good. I’d hate to have to fire Eric. He’s got a family to feed.”

“I’ll make sure he earns his money. I have to go.”

“I mean it, Sergio.”

“Me too, dad.”

When I get to the tiny house, which I love but which I also know is something that is so not possible given who I am, I peek in the kitchen window. The lace curtains are open and I can see straight inside. I wonder if she realizes how much of her life is lived on display, with people always looking in. This is one of those things that gives me pause because I’m stealing that ease from her simply by showing up here, by inserting myself into her life. Because my enemies will become her enemies. And she doesn’t even have a clue.

Without knocking, I unlock the door and go inside. At least she’s good about keeping it locked.

“Nat?” I call out, walking through the kitchen, not bothering to take off my coat since we’ll be leaving.

“You know I don’t like anyone calling me that.” Her voice comes from upstairs.

I smile, but before I can reply, a hairdryer goes on. There’s a strange scent in the house today. It’s familiar but I can’t quite place it. It doesn’t fit here and it leaves me with an uncomfortable feeling.

Pepper’s lying on the floor beside the couch and her tail makes a thudding sound against the hardwood as she wags it when I approach. “Hey Pepper.” I pet her, and she lays her head back down. She looks tired and I wonder how much longer she’ll be around.

The blow dryer switches off and I hear heels click at the top of the stairs. “Hey, the bathroom window’s stuck. Can you see if you can open it for me?” Natalie asks.

“Sure.” I climb up the stairs. She’s in her bedroom applying mascara. “You know you don’t need that.” I walk to her, meet her eyes in the mirror.

“I like it,” she says, straightening, closing the tube.

That’s when I realize what the smell is. Why it makes me so uncomfortable.

“What’s that?” I ask, pointing to the chipped vase on the nightstand that holds a small bouquet of lilies. The flowers are pink and white and for as beautiful as they are, I can’t fucking stand them or their stink.

“Oh,” she glances at the flowers, then at me. “It was on my doorstep when I got here.”

I go to it, and I’m holding my breath. “On your doorstep?”

“Yeah. I think it was Drew. He can be dramatic. I’m assuming they symbolize the death of the internship.”

I glance at her as she rolls her eyes and returns her attention to her reflection, picking up a tube of lip gloss.

“So, no note?”

“Nope.”

“Who’s Drew again?” I vaguely remember the name.

She puts the gloss down and looks at me. “My best friend since we were kids,” she says matter-of-factly.

“Did he tell you they were from him?”

“Is this a big deal? Are you jealous? He and I aren’t a thing. I mean, we were once, but we’re friends, that’s all. Besides, he’s gay.”

I could give a fuck. “Did he tell you, Natalie?” I ask again, trying to keep the edge from my voice.

She picks up her phone. “Not yet. I texted him a little bit ago, but he hasn’t read my message yet. Sergio, are you jealous?”

I’m not jealous, no. I glance out the window, look up and down the street. I should have put a man on her because I have a feeling these aren’t from her friend. “I just don’t like the stink of these.”

“Most people don’t.”

“Throw them away. They’ll smell up the house,” I say, turning to her. “I want you to stay over tonight anyway.”

Dominic’s birthday is this weekend. I’m supposed to head up to the house in the Adirondacks tomorrow but suddenly realize I can’t leave her here alone.

“Actually,” I start, turning to her, deciding on the spot. “Come with me.” She knows about the weekend, but I hadn’t wanted to invite her before. I don’t want her around my father, my youngest brother. Not yet.

“What?”

“My mom, she doesn’t have much time.” I shrug a shoulder and I’m not lying, I do want her to meet my mom. But that’s not the reason I want to take her with me. “What do you think?”

“Isn’t it a family thing?” She’s obviously anxious about it.

“Yeah, but it’s fine.” I go to her, wrap my arms around her. “I really want you to come with me.”

“Okay. I guess I can go. I’ll ask someone to cover my shift at the coffee shop tomorrow.”

“Good.” I won’t have to force her, then. “Do you have a duffel bag or something?” I open the closet, which is stuffed with clothes. “You’re a mess, Natalie.” I like things neat and organized and this drives me insane. From the top shelf, I grab a backpack. “This’ll do.”

“What about Pepper? She’s so old, I worry—”

“We’ll bring her too. She can stay at my house and someone will watch her.”

“I can ask Drew maybe.”

“Come on, I want to spend the night with you.” I go to her, take her hands, draw her to me. “I haven’t fucked you in my bed yet.”

She grins, her eyes brightening.

I kiss her, then let her go. “Just toss what you need in there and let’s go. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

“Um, okay. I guess.”

I take the vase with the flowers and head to the stairs.

“Wait, don’t throw them away.”

“The whole place will stink by the time you’re back.” No way this thing is staying inside her house. I fucked up. Shit, I hope I’m overreacting. Hope this Drew guy left them.

When I’m sure she can’t hear me, I take my phone and call Eric. I tell him I want a man on her. One at her house tonight.

By the time Natalie comes downstairs, Pepper’s waiting by the door and the flowers have been tossed into a neighbor’s trash bin, vase and all.

“You’re anxious,” she says, setting the backpack down to get her coat.

I notice what she’s wearing for the first time, a pretty wool dress that hugs her tight. It comes to just below her knees and pointy-toed shoes finish it off.

“You look nice,” I say.

“Thanks.”

I take her coat, she slips it on and we leave a few minutes later. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t notice that I’m watching every person who passes us, memorizing their faces, looking for anything out of the ordinary. I don’t want to bring up the flowers again, not until she gets confirmation from her friend. I’m hoping I’m wrong about them even though my gut tells me I’m not.

“Oh,” Natalie says. She’s reading a text message when I get into the driver’s seat after settling Pepper in the back.

“What is it?” I ask, starting the engine and pulling out.

She types something back before turning to me. “Drew didn’t know what I was talking about.”

I nod, keep my eyes on the road. I want to be out of the city. Want to have her behind the gates of my property, safely locked away in her own tower.

“Maybe they were left there by accident,” she says. “I wonder if they were for someone else.”

Her phone dings and she looks at it again, shakes her head.

“Sergio, you were weird about the flowers.”

I nod.

“Am I missing something?”

I glance at her, don’t want to worry her, so I lie. “I just really don’t like the smell. They remind me of funerals.”

“That’s cryptic.”

“Death is.” I merge onto the highway.

A weight settles alongside us in the car and the silence feels heavy. She’ll see through my lie. I know it. But I don’t want to have the discussion about the flowers. Not yet.

“Sergio,” she finally says once we pull through the gates of my house. “Is there something about the flowers that I should know?”

I park the car, kill the engine. I climb out and the front door of the house opens as Natalie steps out of the car.

She looks at Eric and the man standing beside him, then at me.

“What’s going on?”

I meet her worried gaze, shift my attention to opening the back door, lifting Pepper out and setting her on the ground. The dog’s too old to hop out of the car on her own. “Let’s get her settled.” I take a step toward the house but she puts a hand on my arm.

“Sergio?”

I take a deep breath in, turn to her. “I don’t think the flowers were left by accident.”