Nora
The coffee is almost ready when Liam appears in the kitchen. I point to his mug on the table. He grabs it and slides it across the counter to me, then takes a seat and waits until I sit down across from him. I am uncertain what to do, so I look at my hands. A distinctly nervous gesture that matches the wide-eyed expression he’s throwing me. Liam drags a hand through his hair. Does he need something stronger? A little liquid courage to finish this fantasy of mine? I want to reach out and slam his head on the table. I shiver at the thought. There would be something satisfying about the thunk of his skull on wood, but I don’t. Of course, I don’t. This weekend is about me. He is doing this for me.
“You should probably drink that,” I say, as he eyes his mug.
Liam stares at me with narrowed eyes. "Don't tell me what I need." He whacks the table with both hands. The sound cracks through the house. His face goes white with rage. This is the moment where all my desires have flown. I stupidly thought I had it under control. Now, I’m stripped down to something I don’t understand. I see that he had the power the entire time. I asked for this and I am getting it but I will not be allowed to control it. Liam stands and I cower.
“This is what you like? Being at someone else’s mercy?” he says, looking away as he clenches his jaw. My legs begin to shake. I force myself to stand up. My skin jumps with the prickle of nerves. My heart beats faster, even though I breathe more slowly. Liam takes two steps toward me. I take two steps backward. I fumble to the living room. He follows, cursing at me. The look in his eyes is one I’ve not seen before. One that genuinely terrifies me.
“Stop!” I shriek. “Seriously, stop!”
He picks up a vase from the mantle and throws it at me. It smashes against the wall when I duck. He charges me and instead of dodging him, I punch him square in the jaw when he’s close enough.
“Bitch!” he bellows. His leg sweeps out sending me flat on my back. I writhe on the floor, Liam watches, gratified. “Enough with the games.” A nasty smile of expectation creeps across his face. The finality in his words rips through my chest like a knife. He flips me to my stomach. Flings one leg over my body, straddling me as I lay prone on the floor. I don't want to be naked. I don't want a shred of intimacy in a lie that feels so cold and out of control. I’m glad this time he’s too rushed to bother with clothes. His fingers grab my hands and yank them behind my back. It’s almost time, I sense it. I willingly give him control over me.
For survival.
The fabric of our clothes makes a funny sound as he pushes his pants down and my skirt up. Panties are ripped away violently. “No,” I state, “Please, not like this.” His breaths are ragged. Fingers toy with my clit but not for long. It is no matter, I am wet for him. He’s forceful. His forearm pins my head to the floor. I half-heartedly try to struggle as he thrusts in with such force, that my breath catches and I go stone still. He lays into me blunt and heavy. It’s punishment. The unrelenting grip of his fingernails burrowing painfully into the skin of my wrist is too familiar—a necessary evil of my affliction. He pounds repeatedly into me. A tear leaks from the corner of my eye. Drips across my nose and disappears into the carpeting. My orgasm crashes into me quickly. I try to hide it but I know he can feel it. He’s done in a short countdown. He lets my wrists go. My shoulders ache, as my arms drop to the floor on either side of me. His forearm is gone. Fabric rustles. A zipper sounds. Footsteps disappear.
The sound of the door slams.
I’m forsaken.
Prone on the floor.
Used.
Vandalized.
In this moment, I am unabridged. My mind feels as though it is in complete balance. I forgive myself unreservedly for my desires.
The door opens and closes again. Liam flies through the door like a storm and drops to his knees next to me. He blinks rapidly. I don’t know what he is thinking. My breaths leave me in great pants. Was this endeavor something he could truly accept?
“Damn, Nora, that was amazing.” Relief washes over me. I smile, as he helps me up to a sitting position. Tears prick my eyes but I hold them back.
“Did I hurt you?” I ask, looking him over. He is disheveled but not hurt.
“I’m fine. Are you okay? Was it too rough?” he asks, looking me over. His hands are on my biceps gently massaging.
I shrug. “It was perfect.” I roll my neck and close my eyes. A hand moves to cup my neck, the warmth of his palm on me gives me a chill.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
I shake my head and bite my lip. He presses his forehead against mine. The intimacy of it is transcendent. I am redintegrated and maudlin. His lips graze mine, tenderly, briefly. I feel at home.
“I’m fine. I’m great. I promise. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know you could be like that,” I answer. He helps me to my feet. If I am honest, I am thrilled with how it all played out. I am surprised at how powerful I feel. I decide that with Liam, I am all in. He took a risk for me. He tried. For me.
He kisses me, softly, yet ravenously. When he pulls back, he looks me over.
“Tell me,” he says. “Is that what you wanted? What you need?”
“It was more than impeccable, ataraxic, delectable. I ... I didn’t realize,” my voice drifts. He twines his fingers through mine.
“Didn’t realize what?” he asks. We sit on the couch together.
I tuck myself into his side. His arm comes around my shoulder possessively.
“That it was possible. Dr. Richardson was right. That I could garner that feeling again. Capture it. You made me feel everything that I wanted, needed to. Was it terrible for you? Do you think I’m a freak?” I ask and bury my face in his chest. He squeezes me to him securely. His index finger hooks my chin, lifting until his eyes capture mine. His expression of wonderment makes my belly clench.
“No, Nora. You’re not a freak. You’re brave. You asked for something despite knowing it’s not mainstream. I wasn’t sure I would live up to your standards but honestly, we’re a good pair, don’t you think?”
I nod. “I don’t need that every time. But it is something I crave.” A small wave of insecurity hits. Will he want to take it this far again, just for my pleasure?
“Don’t look away from me. It was hot, sexy. I enjoyed it, too. If you’re willing to meet my needs, Nora, why shouldn’t I reciprocate?”
“I don’t know. I suppose I never gave it much thought because the reality of it happening was impossible.” Liam kisses the crown of my head.
“In a way, your fantasy aids mine. I liked the feeling of you fighting back.”
“You did?”
He nods. “We can figure this out together. Grow together. Find a balance.” Balance. I like the idea of it. The notion that in this life I can have it all. The dirty and depraved and the normal and mundane. His fingers trail over my arm, my side. The sensation is divine. We sit quietly together for long moments, cuddled together. This man, this relationship, is felicitous. Something worth embracing. Liam is worth holding on to.
“What now? Do we have to leave? Whose place is this?” It is growing late. I promised Lotte I would spend time with her this weekend. My responsibilities tick off in my brain. Make sure the dog is watered, fed, let out. Make time for Lotte. Return Aubry’s call. Tell Eve how much I love her for trying to keep a secret.
“It’s a weekend rental. We can stay.”
I look up to him. “I should probably go home.”
“Why go home, when I could keep you handcuffed to my bed, for your safety, of course.” I love how violently protective it sounds when he says things like this.
“Because ... Burt. Lotte. I have things I have to do,” I say.
“Things?”
“Yes, things,” I laugh.
“You’re so mysterious,” he says.
“I think a good night’s sleep is necessary.”
“Okay, then, let’s clean up and pack up.” Disappointment flashes in his eyes. He doesn’t want our time to end. I swallow thickly and consider staying another night but I hadn’t planned on a full weekend away.
Within the hour, we are on the street in the late afternoon sun. A pang of guilt and longing strikes. I don’t really want to leave. I open my car door. He dips inside and kisses me before shutting it for me.
***
Liam
Her stature is small but she travels like a dart, slowing for nothing. She crashes into me and wraps her arms around my waist. I don’t get many hugs. It makes me think. I hate thinking. As a child, I got flutter hugs. That pathetic excuse for a hug, where the other person’s hand just flutters against your back in rapid succession before they feel it’s appropriate to pull away. Nora’s hug is all-consuming. Tight. Fierce. I think, maybe, I’ve genuinely made her happy. The corners of my mouth creep upward before I remove her arms from me. My eyes trail over Nora as I take in the twists in her hair, the slope of her cheekbones, her lips, the cleft of her breasts. She’s a beautiful woman.
“What was that for?” I ask.
“I just … wanted to.” I grin at her and walk her back to her car. I kiss her again, deeply, before holding her door open for her.
“What now?” I ask.
She looks up at me, a tinge of insecurity in her eyes. “We jump off the cliff together.”
“Are you ready for that?” I ask.
She nods. “Yes.”
I beam at her before kissing her again. “Okay, go get your things done. I will text you later.”
As Nora drives past me, a deep sadness takes hold of my gut. I get in my car. When I pull in my driveway, the feeling is still there. Is this what love feels like? Love was not, is not part of the plan. Love does not serve my needs but Nora has invaded my being like a pin prick. The longer we play. The more I see her, the more that pin hole opens, letting her flood inside.
If I keep my secret, can I keep Nora? Is it possible? I hate my fucking girly thoughts. I lock the car doors and head inside the empty house. Empty. I liked empty before her. It suited me. Now it feels wrong.
At eleven thirty I am wide awake staring at my bedroom ceiling, unable to sleep. I grab my phone and text Nora.
I need you. Can’t sleep.
I get no immediate response. She is probably fast asleep, lips parted, breathing shallow, fiery hair spread out across her pillow. I get up, frustrated. I pull on my sneakers but don’t bother dressing further than the boxers I have on and hop on the treadmill A good run should tire me out enough to sleep.
The doorbell chimes as I’m rinsing off in the shower from my run. I wrap a towel around my waist and head to the door. Through the glass panels on the side of the door I see a dog, Burt, sitting. A grin spreads across my face and a buoyant feeling elevates my chest. I swing the door open.
“You came.” Nora has a glow about her. A swing in her step. I’m keen to slip my fingers between her legs and see what’s waiting for me. She’s here. In my house.
“I couldn’t resist your sad text,” she says.
“Sad?”
“Pathetic. So needy,” she says, with a smile.
I look down at her feet. “You brought Burt.”
“I hope that’s okay. We were lying in bed together and I couldn’t bear to leave him behind.”
I reach down and tousle the dogs ears. “It’s fine. I like dogs. Come on, it’s chilly out.”
Nora isn’t dressed, which makes me laugh. She is in a cute pajama set. Black with cherries printed on them.
“I’ll have you know that I’m exhausted, so it’s bed for us,” she says.
“Do you want a weighted blanket?” I ask. She spins to face me. Burt stops at the end of my bed and sits. “You told me. And I bought one so that, hopefully, you’d stay over sometime.”
She bites her bottom lip and shakes her head. “I think I’ll be okay now. It is a trust thing and I trust you, Liam.”
I scoop her up in my arms in a single sweep. She is so light, like a doll. Porcelain skin and big eyes. “That makes me happy.”
“Oh?” she says grinning.
“Very.” I put her in bed before climbing on top of her. “I hope you’re not too tired for a kiss.”
Nora laughs at me and pulls my face to hers. Our kiss is fire. It is desire and need and acceptance. I pull back and look at her. Her fingers twine in the hair at the nape of my neck. “Love always seemed like madness to me. Like suffering. And for what? But then you came along and I know I'd put up with anything for you. It scares the shit out of me. I never knew a heart could feel so full.”
Her eyes widen, a blush climbs up her neck, I let my lips follow the rose color from chest to cheek. Her nails scratch at my skin. Her thighs wrap around my waist and squeeze. I cannot get her pajama top off fast enough. We are a mess of breaths and limbs as we shed our clothing.
“Fuck me, Liam,” she says. It is a command I will not disobey. I flip her to her stomach and take her from behind, first with my mouth and then my cock. Our lovemaking is violent and passionate. She fights against our position until I let her roll me to my back. She climbs on top of me and drags her nails down my chest. I squeeze her hips hard enough that tomorrow I know bruises will appear. She writhes atop me, panting. I grab her hands but she is quick and pulls them from my grip. With a crack she slaps me and my cock hardens impossibly more.
“Again,” I say, thrusting up into her. She backhands me this time and I nearly come. One hand reaches between us and I finger her, pinching her clit until her bucking is so over the top, that I slide out of her. She groans but I right us quickly.
***
I cannot sleep. Nora is out cold in the crook of my arm, which has no feeling anymore. Burt snores, spread across her ankles. Holden haunts me. My fucking childhood comes round like an angry hornet and stings. I can’t tell her. I can never tell her. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want what I wanted months ago. I think back, try to pinpoint when things changed for me but I can’t. It was a slow build, a plodding journey. My hate for Holden led me to my salvation. Nora has given me nothing but acceptance and trust and somewhere along the way, I decided I wanted to give her the same. Somewhere in my manipulation, I was manipulated into wanting her.
Nora
Liam is up. The water in the bathroom is running. He’s in a towel. Beads of water drip down his sculpted chest.
With a smile plastered on my face, I crawl from his bed and head to the kitchen. I tug open a cupboard for a coffee mug. I am sublimely content. Liam is filling parts of my soul I didn’t realize needed filling. I reach my hand toward the shelf. My favorite coffee mug sits in front of me. Wrinkling my brow I realize it cannot be my mug.
“Nora,” Liam says behind me. Something is wrong. He does not sound the same. My vision swims and I find it hard to stand. “Nora,” his voice comes at me, breaking my thoughts. I gingerly take the mug from the shelf and inspect it. The chip in the handle, the crack in the glaze underneath. The inside bottom that says Good Morning Gorgeous. It is mine.
“I can explain,” he says. I spin to face him.
“How did you get this?” I ask. He has never been in my house. I have never had him over.
“I took it.” His hands grip the kitchen island. He closes his eyes and sighs.
“From my house,” I deadpan. It is not a question.
“Yes,” he answers.
“You broke into my house?” I breathe. His shoulders tense, sending a ripple effect through his muscles down his torso.
“Before. That was before.” His eyes meet mine. Green and glimmering. Seductive and secretive. He takes a step toward me. Before?
“Before what?” I ask and put my hands up to stop him from approaching.
He stops mid step. “Before we started dating. Before I fell for you.”
“You ... stalked me?” I ask, as the pieces fall into place. He nods his head. I squeeze the mug in my hands. “Curious about the freak from the mountain?” I spit out. “Curious about how fucked up the captive might be?”
“No. Not really.” He shakes his head.
“Then why?” I demand.
“Curious about my brother’s taste in women.” I inhale slowly. Time freezes. My body goes cold. Confusion must be evident, because Liam continues, though I do not want his words. “Holden Douglas Lockwood was my brother. Laura was my sister.”
Those green eyes. Those scars on his scalp. The jaw line. The need for pain. Click. Click. Click. My brain crackles like a live wire. I want to scream. I want to see Holden. Grief muddles my thoughts. I have offended Holden even in death. I have made a gross error.
“There is no reason left for you to stay.” I point toward the door. Tears well in my eyes. My body begins to tremble.
“Nora, you’re at my house.”
Rage sweeps through me. I drop the mug. I barely notice the sound of shards of ceramic bouncing on the tile. My hands encircle Liam’s neck. I scream like a wild woman. Like a feral animal. My heart; tormented. Liam does not fight back. He does not restrain me. He does not do anything. My words are garbled. My brain cannot make sense of what is coming from my mouth. I claw at him. At his face. At his heart. At flesh. I am panting with exertion when my arms drop to my sides numb.
“I’m sorry.” Two words. Two words that cannot possibly be sufficient. I scratch my ear, my fingers drag across my jawline until my index finger is inside my mouth, teeth biting on the nail.
“I loved him,” I say. I am vacant and distressed.
“I know.” His expression is timid. Hesitant.
“Why would you do this? Why did you leave him up there with her? And Laura? Why didn’t you tell me? How ...” He takes me by the shoulders and gives me a gentle shake.
“I will answer what I can but you have to calm down.”
“Calm down? I’ve been sleeping with my dead lover’s brother! Holden will kill me.”
“Holden is dead. He won’t be doing anything to you,” he says. “He does not own you.”
I laugh in his face. He knows so little.
“Why? Why would you do this?” My voice is frantic.
“I wanted to punish him. I wanted to make you love me. To hurt you. To hurt him.” I inspect his face. He is serious. He is telling the truth. My bottom lip quivers.
“You’ve succeeded,” I say. I pull from his grasp and storm to the bedroom. I gather my things without care. Tears drip from my chin to the carpet, leaving little wet marks. Little traces of Nora. With my shoes and Burt’s leash clutched in my arms, I make my way to the front door. I call Burt. He comes to my side.
“Please, Nora,” he says. His voice is hoarse and pained. Good, I think. “Let me explain.”
I stand in the threshold. Part of me wants to give him my words. To say something to him. To be cunning and clever and vindictive. But I cannot. I will give him what Holden gave me in those last moments; nothing. I step forward and pull the door closed behind me. His footsteps echo on the tile floor and I dart to my car. I throw everything in as I slide into my seat. Burt jumps in over me and settles in the passenger seat. I slam the door closed and lock the doors. Liam is at my window. I dig through my purse for my keys. The glass vibrates with the force of his pounds. I start the car, throw it in drive and leave. His house grows small in my rearview mirror. When I can no longer see it, I pull to the side of the road, throw open my door and lean my head out. Vomit splashes on the pavement.
With a shaking hand, I wipe my mouth and sit up. I pull my phone out and dial Aubry. We are all interconnected. Nothing exists on its own. Attraction is not random. I have to get out of the car. I cannot cry, my tear ducts are too tired. I can't feel anything. I function on muscle memory. I think but don't feel. I’m broken and that makes me dangerous.
***
The sobs don’t stop for a long time. I can’t see anything but black. A hand gently rubs my back. I don’t remember getting home. I don’t remember Aubry leaving or Eve coming in. But she’s here, urging me into the shower. I step underneath the warm water in silence, letting the water absorb into my hair and seep into my skin. I breathe in the steam, two deep draws of air, gulping it down, desperate for it to soothe me but it doesn’t. Red tinged water swirls at the drain. The last remnants of my angst. Of my own nails. Empty. Vacant. No soul, no thoughts. Shadows creep into the corners of my vision.
“I’ll kill him, Nora,” Eve says. She vibrates with rage. “Aubry told me. Holden’s brother?! That fucker tricked you. Used us all. For what? To bring more torture to us all? What was his plan? Did he hurt you? Oh, my God, we have to tell Lotte. We have to get an alarm system. He was in our house!”
I say nothing because I have no words for her. “He’s fucking sick. He probably would have done the same thing to you as Holden. We can sue. We can fight back. Something. Nora! Are you listening?”
“Stop, Eve. Just stop. Your voice is too loud.” I cover my ears and focus on the sound of the water.
She sighs, loudly, from outside the shower curtain. “I get that you're hurting. I don't really know what to say to make it better,” Eve says.
“Don’t say anything.”
***
His lips meet mine. I melt into him. I kiss him ferociously. I use up all my passion on him. Holden pulls back and regards me. His eyes cloud. His face morphs. I have displeased him. “Only ever you, Nora.” His voice is ragged. I nod rapidly at him but he looks at me as if I disgust him. “How could you?” he asks. “Liam.” He has one hand in my hair as he tugs and leads me to the river. I cry out. I beg. I plead with him. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I am dragged down to the banks. Holden holds me down until I struggle no longer. Until I’ve drowned in my sinful will.
On the side table, my cell phone vibrates like chattering teeth. It startles me from sleep. From dreams. I’d forgotten to turn it off and now someone is calling. I grab it.
"Yeah?" I whisper exhausted. A whisper comes back.
“Forgive me.”
I hang up. Liam is relentless. My phone vibrates again and again. I am too weak to simply turn it off and eventually I answer.
“Nora,” he groans. “Don’t hang up, please.”
“Why? Because you love me?” I spit out.
“What am I supposed to do? I could say it, but you won't believe me."
I inhale deeply to steady my voice. "Say it."
"I love you," he says.
"You're right. I don't believe you. Love is a sacrifice, Liam. Maybe you weren’t supposed to save me. Maybe I was supposed to save you.”
I hang up the phone.
***
Liam
I don’t want her to leave me. My eyes roll as a pain shoots straight through my temple and embeds itself behind my ear. I try to focus, but it seems impossible. A migraine takes root. I groan. I want to call her again. Tell her all of how I feel. I want to give her everything she needs to hear. She’s got my heart in a choke hold. I love her wickedly dark desires, her hair, and the way she dances around the kitchen when she cooks in the comfort of her home. The way she gave me her scars. Her body. Her mind. She offered it all up and I wanted it, so I took it. I don’t know where to go from here.
It has been long days. She won’t pick up my calls. She doesn’t answer my texts. I stalk her. I watch her. I pretend she didn’t cut me off. I take each day slow. She makes my heart pound like bass beats in a stereo. I need her. She sets my soul on fire. I watch her at yoga, unhidden. She scowls at me. It is better than nothing though. I’m a pawn in my own game now. I wanted revenge. I wanted to hurt Holden, even if only in death. That morphed to sick curiosity about him that only Nora holds the answers to and then it shifted completely. She became my absolution. We’re meant for each other. The abuse inflicted by my brother, a shared bond. Without him, there would be no relationship between Nora and me. My plan was destiny. We’re fated for each other. Without Holden, our paths would have never crossed.
I am at her grocery store, hoping to catch a glimpse of her but she isn’t here. I buy nothing. I walk through the park down the path she loves, past the Daisy plaque. Outside her house, I stand and peer through the windows.
Mike comes out onto the front porch.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask.
“I’m here with Aubry. What are you doing here?”
“I’m here for Nora,” I say.
“Leave her alone, Liam. She’s a wreck. You really fucked up this time.” He runs his hands through his hair, a telltale sign that he’s stressed.
“Look at me! What am I?” I bark. I feel weary and I know I don’t look good.
Mike shakes his head and goes back inside. Traitor. Or maybe I can use him to get to Nora. To weasel my way back in. I go home when Charlotte comes outside. She says nothing, only stares at me curiously. Like I am some sort of puzzle that needs solving.
I sit at my desk with a pen in hand and a blank page in front of me.
Cherry,
You won’t listen to me, so maybe you will read what I have to say. I will send this letter a thousand times if necessary. I saw the magazine article and I admit, at first, I was only curious about you. That feeling grew and spread and changed. I watched you, this woman who was the last person to live with and know my brother. A brother who I loved and looked up to. A brother who was abused and who in turn passed that abuse down to me. Those scars on my head are from Holden. He was sick like my mother and eventually that sibling fondness turned to hate. Why didn’t he protect me?
I watched you. I learned about you. I wanted to punish Holden any way I could and it seemed you were the only one he cared for, and you were able to love him back, flaws and all. My whole family was on that mountain. I was wrenched away by my father and abused in a different way but one thing stood—we were never allowed to discuss the cabin. You had answers I wanted. Glimpses into the lives of people that shared my blood. But then I fell for you. For every nook and cranny of your soul.
I am sorry. I am bereft without you. I will give up everything to have you back, Nora, because we’re meant to be together. Don’t you see it? Without Holden, our paths would never have crossed. He led us together. I am not my brother. I don’t want to nor have I ever thought of abusing someone, cutting them or holding them hostage. My abuse and yours have caused us to crave different things, but we are the only two people who are suited to give those things to each other.
Please give me a chance to prove my feelings for you. Please. Don’t let Holden have any more power over our lives. Put him to rest once and for all. Take his control away. Make a choice, Nora, choose me.
--Liam