Nora
“Lotte didn’t take it well. She’s having night terrors again and it’s my fault.” I sob openly but Dr. Richardson lets me ramble on without interruption. “Eve is … well, herself. Angry and vengeful. I blocked his number but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Agent Brown stopped by to help us set up a security system but when Eve and Lotte aren’t home, I don’t bother setting it.” Guilt swallows me whole as I think of Liam.
“I’m concerned for you, Nora,” she says. “I want you to be safe. I’m not sure you’re taking this seriously. Holden has family. Presumably, they knew about him and did nothing.”
“I know,” I wail. “But I don’t think that’s how it was.”
“Why not?” she asks.
“He sent me a letter. And the way Holden had talked about his family, it was as if he was abandoned. It wasn’t a friendly parting.”
“Who sent you a letter?”
“Liam,” I answer. “I didn’t open it right away. I put it in the trash. But then another came the day after. And another the day after that. It was freaking Eve out, so I finally opened one.”
“And?” she asks. I pull the folded letter from my pants pocket. Unfolding it gently, I smooth the page. I keep it on me. I’ve read it hundreds of times now. I barely need to look at it to read it to Dr. Richardson, as I’ve almost memorized his words. She listens intently until I am done.
“I miss Liam. He made me laugh. He understood my needs.” I want to dance around in his smoke and flicker out. I know he knows that he’s killing me, my heart. He holds my soul in his hands and squeezes it, even from a distance.
“That is natural, Nora,” Dr. Richardson says.
“I don’t know how to trust that what he gave me was true. He didn’t mean to do harm, he only wanted revenge. I can understand that. Holden left us both weak in different ways. He used me. But haven’t I used him, too? Isn’t that love? He did not judge or reject my needs. If getting back at Holden was all he was after, why didn’t he tell me months ago? It still would have hurt then. If that was his only objective, why did sorrow swim in his eyes when I left?”
“Love is irrational. And you are very lovable. Has it dawned on you that perhaps, over the months you dated, that he really fell for you?”
“Are you saying I should be with him?” I ask staring at her.
She shakes her head and leans her elbows on her knees. “No. I’m saying that people’s motives change. You, of all people, should know that. What do you want, Nora?”
I shrug and pick at my cuticles. “I wanted Liam. But now he represents something sinister.”
“He didn’t lie to you when you found the mug. He came right out with the truth.”
“So what? He lied the entire time leading up to that.”
She nods. “Yes, he did.”
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is forgivable. What about Lotte and Eve?”
“I can’t answer that for you. You are the only one who can make that decision.”
“Aubry said that Mike told her that Liam is miserable and he’s never seen him so, and I quote, ‘effed up over a piece of ass,’” I say.
“How did that make you feel?” she asks.
“Vindicated, if I am honest.”
Dr. Richardson laughs. “Your honesty has always been refreshing.”
I groan and push my braids behind my shoulders. “That’s what Liam said. He’s been following me. Watching me.”
“That is not acceptable.” she says.
“I kind of like it,” I admit.
She shakes her head at me. “You make my job very difficult sometimes. Do you think your personalities, your desires were aligned? Did your love for Holden affect your relationship with him?”
“Yes. We are a perfect match. And no, I barely thought of Holden while we were together.”
“And you and Liam, were able to function in the ‘real world’ together, without feeling ashamed.”
“Yes. Even Eve said he was alright. Until this, of course.”
Dr. Richardson uncrosses and crosses her legs before leaning back in her chair. “I want you to think long and hard about your relationship with him. What it gave you, how it helped you and what you want in life because, Nora, everyone deserves happiness and fulfillment—even you.”
***
It has been three weeks. Long weeks of sleepless nights and grotesque dreams. Liam has replaced my ‘Good Morning, Gorgeous’ mug. He has sent flowers—so many flowers. He sent a new spoon that reads ‘Let’s Spoon’. Three pints of ice cream have been delivered, all with handwritten notes from Liam. He is relentless. Yesterday a mix cd arrived. I knew I shouldn’t listen, but I could not help myself. I put it on at bedtime and fell asleep to the melodies Liam chose for me. I have battled dreams of Holden and Liam together. It has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have thrown myself into my memoir. The words, the memories, getting them down on paper have distracted and sometimes even been cathartic. Although some days, it makes me miss his cottage.
N.E.L. has received a half million dollar anonymous donation. It has been the only joyful moment of the last month. But Eve, never content to let things rest, started digging. She complained that the size of that donation required acknowledgement.
“Who cares where it came from, Eve?” Lotte asked.
“I do,” Eve said.
Lotte tucked herself into my side on the couch. “It’s anonymous for a reason. Anonymous implies they don’t want a thank you.”
I looked at Lotte with curiosity. Eve stood, annoyed at our lack of curiosity and left us sitting quietly, mumbling about finding out where it came from.
“Promise you won’t be mad at me,” she said. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“I can’t promise that, but go on, say whatever you’re going to say.”
“I read the letter.”
“What letter?” I ask.
“The one you keep throwing away, from Liam.”
I gasp. “Why would you do that?”
“I was scared at first. That he was sending them over and over. And following you. And … and that he was related to Holden.”
I frown and pull Lotte into my chest. “I’m sorry for all this. I’m so sorry,” I told her.
She pushes away from me. “He’s not like Holden,” she said. “And I’m not scared of him.”
“What?”
Lotte inhaled deeply. “It’s not the same as it was before. I read his words and I believe them. I am not like Eve and we’re sisters. She is consumed by past circumstances. She can’t adapt but I can and do. I know I was having nightmares again but they stopped, Nora, after I snuck the letter and read it. Holden would never have written or said those words. I’m not saying forgive Liam, but I don’t think he is a monster.”
Tears poured down my face as I realized what Lotte was trying to give me.
“I hate you,” I say out loud. Holden’s’ headstone does not speak back. “I hate that you ruined me. I hate that even in death you found a way to steal my joy.”
It strikes me then that I have let Holden win. That Liam was right about that. My heart desires Liam, not Holden, and the only thing keeping me from the man I want, is a dead man who skewed my reality and used me. I will not let him win. Emboldened at my realization I kick Holden’s headstone and go home.
“Thank Christ you’re home,” Eve all but yells when I enter the kitchen.
“What?” I ask.
“I found the anonymous donor.”
I hang my head. “Seriously Eve, let it go.”
“It was Liam,” she says. I freeze, unable to fully register what she has said. I look up to her puzzled. “Did you catch that? It. Was. Liam.”
“He wouldn’t have.”
“He did,” she states.
“Are you going to give it back?” I ask.
Eve paces the kitchen shaking her head. “No. Nope. We’re keeping it. And we’re not saying thank you.”
“We’re keeping it?” I ask.
She turns to me with tears in her eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Nora! I don’t know. This is all so …”
“Sibylline. Dysphoric. Perplexing.”
She groans but the corners of her lips lift slightly. “No words, Nora. Not right now.” She seats herself in a chair and puts her forehead on the table.
“We can return it,” I say and sit across from her.
“No, we can’t. We need it.” She lifts her head, “but more than that, Lotte made me read that horrible letter he wrote to you.”
My jaw falls open. “You read it?”
She nods. “I didn’t believe a word of it. At first,” she says. “But I kept thinking about it. For the last twenty four hours, it’s all I’ve thought about. And then today, I found out Liam made that donation and … I don’t know, Nora, it all adds up. It isn’t right, but it adds up.”
“What are you saying exactly?” I ask. As much as I want Liam in my life, I cannot have him at the expense of my makeshift family’s emotions.
“That Lotte and I are okay. That you don’t need our permission to live your life the way you want to.” A tear streaks down her cheek. “That if he’s something you want—and don’t lie to yourself because you’ve been a miserable hag the last month without him—then I will find a way to support your choice.”
I push backward, causing the chair legs to screech against the floor and fly around the table to Eve’s seat to wrap her in a fierce hug.
***
Liam
I have never felt so lost. I’m freefalling with no way to catch myself. Mike has spent the last week at my place, insistent that I need to be watched. For what, I don’t know. I’m not about to off myself. I’m lovesick.
I begged Mike to tell me what’s going on in Nora’s life but he maintains that she doesn’t talk to him and that Aubry is incredibly tightlipped on the subject. The only plus is that I finally told him the whole truth. I told him about the mountain, about Ma and Holden and Laura. I don’t think, in his wildest dreams, he’d imagined what I told him, if his reaction was an indicator. But to his defense, always the best friend, he didn’t judge me for my past. He stayed, talked it out as best he could with me and promised never to tell a soul. We’ve drunk ourselves stupid in the last two days. His feeble attempt to lighten my mood but all the alcohol does is make me more sullen.
My days feel like an eternity. I run. I eat. I work. I drink and I try to keep Mike from thinking he needs to stay any longer.
My computer speakers ding, alerting me I have an email. There is a spark of hope at the sound. Maybe it’s Nora? I click open the screen and frown. It’s Yuri, complaining of a breach of contract regarding the police and their shipping containers. I grind the heels of my hands into my eye sockets to relieve some tension before responding.
At six, I stroll through the front door. Carol stops me dead in my tracks.
“You’ve got to stop this moping business.”
I almost smile. “I’m sorry. I’m trying?”
She tilts her head to the side and frowns at me. “My darling, Liam, love, real love is hard. Moping never solved a broken heart. If you want the girl that badly, you fight for her. True love is painful sometimes.” She pats me on the shoulder as she passes by. Love is painful. If I had known that, I never would have succumbed to it.