Chapter Nine

 

Joshua

County jail isn’t anywhere nearly as unpleasant as I would have imagined. Yes, the food is disgusting, and there’s nothing pleasant about sharing a cell with ten foul-smelling men or pissing in a stopped-up toilet while they watch. But by the second day, they all knew not to look. One of the men, who kept staring at my dick when I pissed on the first day died in his sleep that night, or at least nobody will ever be able to prove how he died. One of the other men somehow bounced off a wall and shattered every bone in his face. Oops.

After that, they were eating out of my hand. I was the king of the cell. They practically bowed when I walked past them.

And the filth of this place? I embrace it.

I like cleanliness. I like order. That’s why dirt and chaos are my friends. That which hurts me strengthens me. Being in a place like this is the same kind of trial that my father put me through as a child, and the same kind I put myself through after I left him, to make sure I never got soft.

I know Tamara is in a hospital, covered in bruises and cuts, with a fractured ulna in her right arm…but she’s safe now. That’s all that matters.

My brother is under police guard at a different hospital, waiting to be transported to a special high-security lockup when he’s well enough to be transferred.

I was standing over him with my gun trained on the spot right between his eyes when the police pulled up. It’s a shame. I wanted to see what the inside of his head looked like, but the police would have shot me right there if I’d pulled the trigger.

They cuffed me and marched me away before I could speak to Tamara. I wanted to run to her. I wanted to tell her I was sorry I let her down, but they hustled me off and stuffed me in a squad car before I could say a word.

My brother has been charged with multiple counts of kidnapping and assault and one count of murder. He has refused to speak to the police at all, from what my lawyer says. He hasn’t told them anything about me, about our past. He’s refused to even give them his name.

My security chief Garrett followed my instructions and released Dr. Barnard and his two sons. I made the boys a deal before I flew to California. I promised them I’d save their mother and sisters, but they couldn’t say a word to the police about me kidnapping them. Am I a manipulative asshole? Did I promise things I had no way of knowing I could deliver? Hell yeah. I don’t lose a wink of sleep over it.

Dr. Barnard won’t dare say a word, because if he rats me out, then I’ll tell the police about our deal and they’ll know he took bribes to keep my brother locked up. He’d go to prison right along with me, and lose his medical license.

Mrs. Barnard has filed for divorce and is demanding full custody of the kids. She blames him for what happened to her and her children, and she’s right.

He’s lost his manhood and his family. I’ll settle for that, for now.

The police and the district attorney have done everything that they can to build a case against me. The fact that they’ve failed means they have been unable to get testimony against me from the one person who could have put me away for life.

Tamara.

The days float by in a haze. I need to see Tamara. I need to touch her, to be with her, but I can’t, and my hunger is eating away at me. I’m still holding tight to my emotions, stuffing everything into a little box. When I get out of here, I need to hunt, and I need to do it soon. If I don’t bleed off some of the emotion boiling inside me, I’m going to explode like a supernova, consuming everything around me with the fire of my rage.

My lawyer manages to get me out after five days.

There’s a limo waiting for me outside the prison. I head straight to the hospital. I have so much I need to tell Tamara.

When I get there, Ruiz is just leaving Tamara’s room. From what my lawyer’s heard, he’s been fired from the NYPD for going rogue.

His face flushes with anger when he sees me coming down the hall. Apparently, our recent adventure together and the fact I saved his life haven’t gained me any favor with him. “I heard you got out. Figured I’d try to talk sense into her one more time,” he says coldly. “You’ve got some kind of hold on her. You fucked with her head. I know Stockholm syndrome when I see it. Don’t get too comfortable, asshole. I’m sticking to you like white on rice.”

Once upon a time, I would have gloated in my triumph, and humiliated him. There’s nothing he can do to me now. But something in me has changed. I’m far from a decent human being, but I am less cruel than I used to be.

Because of Tamara.

And he did save her life.

Of course, he should have told me he’d figured out where my brother was, but I had a tracking device on his car, so I was never far behind him.

Standing outside the room, with him blocking my entrance, I stifle the urge to hurl him out of the way. “My offer still stands,” I say to him.

“You think I did this for money?” he scoffs.

“Not that offer. Well, that’s still there if you want it. But the other thing we discussed. Making life a little more…fair.” I’d cheerfully kill the rich little shit who gave his daughter the fatal overdose, or the asshole boss who caused his wife to die. Why not? Even if they’re not worthy fighters, it would still be fun.

I see the temptation in his face. But he shakes his head firmly.

“I’ll never work with you,” he says.

“That’s not what I was suggesting.”

“And I don’t take favors from killers.”

“Who did I kill?” I smile gently, but I won’t be separated from Tamara for one more minute. “If you could prove anything, I wouldn’t be standing here. Now step out of my way before I lose my temper.”

He’s blocked me long enough, and I have a short fuse these days.

He turns around and goes back into the room. “Tamara, Joshua’s here. I’m telling you, you deserve better than this. Let me call security for you.”

I walk in behind him. Tamara is sitting up in bed, hooked up to a monitor, an IV in her arm, covers pulled up to her chest. Her other arm is in a sling. Even after five days in the hospital, she’s painfully thin and ghost-pale, with dark hollows under her eyes. Greenish-blue bruises bloom on her arms and face.

My heart leaps in my chest when her eyes meet mine, and I just stand there, drinking her in. Just to be in the same room with her, breathing the same air, makes everything right with the world.

“It’s all right,” she says to Ruiz, her voice weak and raspy. “I’ll talk to him. And thank you again for everything you’ve done for me, Alfredo. You’re a good guy.” He hesitates in the doorway. “I’ll be fine,” she says to him. “Really.”

“You can call me any time,” he says to her. With a dark look at me, he leaves.

I can’t take my eyes off her as I cross the room. My girl, my beautiful girl. I sit down in the chair next to her bed, strange emotions churning inside me.

“I’m sorry I took so long to find you,” I tell her, reaching out for her arm. She moves it out of my reach, and a spark of anger snaps in me.

She’s still mine. I can touch her when I want to.

I restrain myself, though, for now. She’s been through hell, and I’ll go easy on her. At first.

She looks at me wearily. “Thank you for saving us.”

“Of course. It was my fault he had you.” I came to save you. I didn’t give a damn about any of the rest of them.

She shakes her head, her dark hair rustling on the pillow. “No, it wasn’t. He set me up to meet you, knowing he was going to kidnap me in the end.” She tugs the blanket up a little. “I knew you’d come for me. I knew you wouldn’t sleep until you found me. That’s what kept me going, every day.” She shudders, her eyes drifting away to a dark place.

I know what those days were like, because I watched the videos. Every minute of every video.

But she believed in me. She knew I wouldn’t abandon her. I feel the ice inside me thaw a little, and I’m not ashamed to say that my eyes burn with unshed tears. Her faith in me wraps around me like a warm blanket.

“It shouldn’t have taken me so long. I threw everything I had into it, Tamara, I hope you know that. The world stopped turning for me. I went days without sleep and did nothing but search and search.”

She shifts in the bed and grimaces with the effort of movement. The hell my brother put her through…the things he did to her body…. Choking anger sweeps through me, and I clench my fists.

“I know,” she says, her eyes hollow and tired. “I never doubted it. If I hadn’t known that, I think I would have gone insane.”

“He’ll never touch you again,” I vow. “Nobody will. I’ll keep you safe.”

Her eyes narrow. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll keep myself safe, thanks. I’m not leaving here with you.”

“Oh no?” That’s what she thinks.

She fixes her gaze on me, with the strength and ferocity of a lioness. “Listen. You saved me, and Astrid and the girls. I will always be grateful for that. But you also held me prisoner for five months, and you tortured me and nearly broke me. You hung me over a damn electric plate, Joshua. You locked me up in the dark for weeks. If your brother hadn’t kidnapped me, you would never have let me go.” Her dark eyes burn holes into my soul. “I would have been your caged little sex toy for the rest of my life.”

“You were much more than that to me.” She is everything to me. She is the first woman to challenge me, to enchant me, to capture my heart. Before I met her, I didn’t even know I had a heart.

She just looks at me with rebuke and hurt.

“I understand why you’re angry at me,” I say. But I can’t quite bring myself to say I’m sorry. Am I sorry I took her, possessed her, forced her to crave my touch? Am I sorry for all those nights she screamed my name when she came? I’d be lying if I said yes.

“If you really acknowledged everything that you’ve done to me, you’d understand why I won’t leave here with you.” Her chest moves up and down as her breath speeds up.

She looks so pale, so tired.

“Don’t upset yourself,” I say. “Are they taking good care of you? Do you need anything?”

She shakes her head. “Just time to heal.”

I reach out again and take her hand in mine. She looks down at our entwined hands. “It’s okay that you’re touching me,” she says, almost as if she’s speaking to herself. Then she looks up at me. “I thought that after what he did to me, I wouldn’t ever want a man to touch me again, but…I don’t mind you holding my hand.” We sit there in silence for a few seconds, then she slowly slides her hand out of mine.

I lean in and brush my lips against her neck, and I hear the hitch of her breath.

“Stop,” she whispers. I straighten up.

“You liked it,” I point out mildly.

“Yes. That’s why you need to stop. Because I’m not going to fall into your trap again.” Then her lips twitch up in a smile. “It felt good. I’m glad to know that I can let a man touch me again and not want to scream or run. I can still feel pleasure. He didn’t ruin that for me. But it stops now. I’m not going to get used to being with you.”

“You can let me touch you,” I clarify. It’s an important distinction. I feel a wave of relief sweep over me. She loved sex. Loved having me touch her and dominate her. I’m grateful that she can still enjoy my hands and mouth on her. And I can’t wait to be with her again, to kiss her sweet flesh, to wash away all memory of him.

She gives me a wry look. “You think I’m eager to run out and start dating again? I had no idea you were the jealous type.”

Is she kidding? I’d fucking eviscerate a man if he looked at her too long. But we don’t need to talk about that now.

“When you check out of the hospital, I’ll be waiting to pick you up. I’ve got the resources to protect you in case my brother escapes again.” That’s a scare tactic, but I’ve never believed in playing fair.

And it works. I see the flicker of fear in her eyes. “He’s under guard. He won’t escape.” She says it a little too forcefully.

“We can’t be sure of that, Tamara. He escaped from an extremely secure psychiatric institute. Seduced one of the nurses, it turns out. As long as he’s alive, we can never relax. If I get the opportunity, I’ll kill him.”

She stares at me, eyes widening. “He’s your twin brother, Joshua. Yes, he’s an evil bastard, and he should be locked up forever. But for you to kill him…you don’t know what it will do to you. It will be like killing a piece of yourself.”

It would. But it doesn’t matter. “I have to. You’ll never be safe until he’s dead.’

“What do you care?” There’s a sassy, sullen bite to her tone. It makes my dick twitch. God, I wish we were together back in my house in upstate Maine. I’d spank her bare ass until it was red and hot underneath my hand, then I’d bend her over and make her come so hard she cried.

“I care very much. And you care about me too, despite everything.”

“I don’t care about you. I don’t love you.” Tears start pouring from her eyes, a sudden fountain of grief. I lean forward and gather her in my arms, and the feeling of her warm, fragile body in mine almost undoes me. I hug her very gently to avoid her hurting her bruised flesh, her shattered arm. “I don’t. I don’t!”

Her hospital gown slides off her shoulder, and I bend down and kiss her exposed flesh. She whimpers—that soft, helpless little sound she used to make for me. And blood rushes to my cock, stiffening it with desire.

“I’m not arguing with you, baby. Even though you’re lying to me.” I nip her shoulder sharply, and she whimpers again, louder. “You know I punish you for lying.” I lick the spot that I just nibbled. “But then I make you feel so good afterward. Just the way you like it. Pleasure mixed up with pain.”

“Ah,” she gasps, her breath coming out in little pants of arousal. “Don’t do that to me. Please don’t.”

In response, I stroke her arm, my fingers trailing featherlight over her skin. “I missed you every second of every day, Tamara. I was out of my fucking mind without you.”

She slumps into my arms, all the fight gone out of her. Her head rests on my shoulder, and she sobs until my shirt is damp. “Oh God, what have you done to me? I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate it. I never used to dream, and now I dream of you. I can’t even escape you in my sleep. You’ve invaded my mind, and I can’t get rid of you.”

A warm glow spreads through me. I knew it, but hearing her say the words is more delicious than the sweetest dessert.

“You’ll come home with me. We’ll make this work.”

She sits up again and moves away from me, but I keep my arms wrapped around her, my fingers locked tight behind her back. My little caged bird.

“After what you did to me? No.” Her voice is hoarse.

“I won’t accept that, I’m afraid,” I say sternly, in my “I mean business” tone. “I will never put you in a cell again. I will never try to make you into Toy again, but you are mine.” I’m growing impatient.

I own her.

She shouldn’t argue with me about that. She won’t win. Doesn’t she know that by now?

“No, I’m not! I’m going to leave this hospital by myself, and I’m going to live my own life.” Her voice trembles. She places her hand against my chest and pushes hard, so I release her and move back a little. But then I reach out and stroke her cheek, trailing my fingers over her lips. She draws in a shaky breath, and I force my finger into her mouth. She closes her eyes, fresh crystalline tears glittering on her cheeks, but she sucks my finger.

This is our dance. She needs it as much as I do. She needs me to dominate her, to claim her. She needs to feel the force of my passion. It brings her to life in ways she’s never felt before. I know that, because we two are one, and I can read her like a book that’s been written just for me.

She starts to pull away from me. I grab her by the throat and hold her still, squeezing just a little. That makes her eyes fly open, and she glares at me.

“I’ll scream.”

“No you won’t. Because then they’d arrest me, and you can’t bear for that to happen.” I look down at her, my eyes gentle. “And even jail wouldn’t stop me. I’d make my way back to you, always. We’ll be together again, and I’ll punish you for refusing me. But afterward, I’ll make you come so hard you cry and beg for more.”

“I hate you so much.” She wipes at her wet cheeks with the back of her hand, her face twisted in frustration.

And I smile.

I could just sit there in the hospital room, and she’d never call for security. I could stay with her until she was ready to check out.

But it’s better if I don’t.

I’ve got her right where I want her. She needs me as much as I need her. But I’m a lot stronger. Even with all these dark feelings bubbling up inside me, clawing at my self-control, screaming through my nightmares, I still maintain an iron control over my feelings and behavior. But she doesn’t have that same self-control. Every second she’s without me, she’ll be craving me.

This will work to my advantage. She’ll be aching and lonely without me. And when the time is right, I’ll claim what’s mine again, and by then, one simple caress will make her melt for me.

“What you hate is how much you want me. I think you need to miss me for a while. Goodbye, Tamara. I’ll see you soon.” I press a gentle kiss to her mouth, and her lips part for me. She moans into my mouth. I kiss her hard, swirling my tongue around hers, tasting her sweetness, and I am the one to break off the kiss, not her.

She looks up at me, eyes glazed with desire. “Go away.”

I nod. “For now. I’ll transfer money to your bank account as soon as I leave.”

“I’ll never take a cent from you!” She spits the words out defiantly.

“You’re homeless.” There’s a snap of impatience to my voice. I’m keeping a mental tally of her attempts to defy me, and refusing my money goes on the list. When she’s ready, when she can handle it, I’ll make her pay for every act of disobedience, in delightfully painful ways. “You don’t have a job. You’ve got seven hundred and fifty dollars in your checking account.”

She doesn’t bother asking me how I know that.

“I’ll figure something out. I always have.”

I stand up. “If you need anything—”

“Freedom, Joshua. How about that? The right to go where I want and do what I want, whenever the hell I want. That’s worth more than millions of dollars.” She looks away and is crying again, and her shoulders are shaking. She looks small and tired. “Please leave, Joshua.” Her voice is trembling. “Please.”

It hurts me to see her like this, it’s a physical ache inside me. All I want to do is gather her into my arms again, lend her my strength, let her know that she is safe and loved. But I don’t. It’s not the right time for it, so I leave.

I walk away from my love, my heart, my sanity. But I do it with a smile on my face, because I know it won’t be long before she’s chained to my bed and screaming my name.