Chapter Twenty-two

 

Joshua

A storm of emotions swarm through me when I see Tamara sitting across from me, so pale, her face strained, swallowed up by baggy beige hospital clothes. I’m grateful and happy and guilty as hell.

She has bluish half-moon circles under her eyes. Her hair was bleached blonde when she came here, and now she has six inches of dark roots and her hair hangs limply around her shoulders. I want to bathe her. I want to make her clean and new again. I want to run my fingers through her hair. I want to wash away her sorrow and anger and kiss her from head to toe until she forgives me.

“Tamara, I’m so sorry this happened. It’s all my fault,” I say, sitting down in the metal chair next to her—under the watchful eye of the guard who’s standing across the room from us, waiting to pounce in case this frail little waif should attempt to attack me. Thanks to a fat bribe, the guard is farther away than she normally would be, so I can speak without her overhearing, but that’s all she can do; she can’t leave me alone with Tamara.

Tamara manages a smile, or maybe it’s a grimace. “No argument there.”

I take her hand in mine. “I was losing my mind. I really thought I’d kill you. I was sleepwalking and destroying the furniture and smashing windows without realizing it. I was hallucinating, seeing my father running at me with knives and lashing out at him, then I’d wake with my fists inside the holes I punched in the wall.” I hold up my hands, which are covered with new pink scars.

“You could have done other things besides send me away.” Her voice is tight and angry, her eyes accusing. “You could have had guards watch over you. You could have at least tried therapy. You didn’t even try.”

I swallow as my throat closes with guilt. “You’re right,” I tell her. “I see that now. I just… I felt like I was falling into a black hole, and I was never going to climb out of it. I thought that it wouldn’t be long before I went stark raving mad. I didn’t want you to be there for that. I’m really dangerous, Tamara, you know that.”

“And now? How are you now?” She’s looking at me intently. Like my answer is really important.

I don’t deserve her concern. I don’t deserve her, but I want her, and I’ll fight for her.

“I think I’m coming out of the worst of it. Bit by bit. I’ve been taking some prescription medicine that helps me sleep. When I’m less tired, I don’t hallucinate, and I’m not having the nightmares as often.” I lower my voice, even though I know the guard can’t hear us. “I’ve been hunting. A lot. It’s helped me. I think I needed that. Denying that need, on top of everything else that happened, might have been what tipped me over the edge.”

“So you’re better now?” she prods.

“Yes. I am.” I’m better now that I’m in the room with Tamara. Sending her away was a stupid, unforgivable mistake, and I am grateful beyond words that she’s agreed to let me see her. The dull fog of despair that’s been clinging to me is lifting. I can see more clearly now than I have in ages. “I’m going to be with you right through the trial. We’ll get you moved to a halfway house, I’m completely confident of that. And then I’ll see to it that they fast-track you for early release. Are they treating you all right here? If not, I’ll get you moved to another facility.”

“I can’t wait for the trial. I need you to get me out right away,” she says in a low voice.

“Why? Is someone hurting you?” A supernova of fury flares up inside me.

She grabs my hands and clings to them. The guard pretends not to see.

“Promise me you won’t leave me.” Her voice is low and intense.

“I promise.” My heart lifts with joy. “Never again. If you can put up with my fucked-up self, I’ll never leave you again. If the nightmares are too much, I’ll hire guards twenty-four hours a day to keep you safe from me. I’ll do anything. I’ll talk to a therapist, I’ll take medication—whatever needs to happen. I’ll build you a safe room if you need it. Or me. I’ll lock myself in a cage at night.” The words tumble from my mouth, one after the other, in a rush to grab her and bring her back to me.

Her eyes grow huge, tears spilling down her cheeks. “Promise me you won’t take her from me.”

“Take who?” Now I’m worried. Has she really lost her mind? When she killed those men, I thought she was doing it to get my attention. I didn’t think she’d gone crazy, but the look in her eyes right now is pure madness.

What have I done to her?

“My baby.”

Her baby?

“I’m almost six months pregnant. I couldn’t believe it, because I’m just starting to show, but I felt the baby move and went to the clinic, and they confirmed it. A little girl. The doctor said it’s unusual but not unheard of, that some girls who are naturally skinny and who are having their first child don’t show right up until the baby’s born. I haven’t had my period in years, and when you and I were together… I know you always used a condom, but…”

How did I not notice that she never got her period? I mean, I had her locked up for months.

Because I never think of anyone but myself.

Shock ices my blood. “Do you remember that time you ambushed me and we screwed right after? And I yelled out ‘fuck’?”

“Kind of?” She hugs herself, and more tears run down her cheeks.

“The condom ripped. That’s why I yelled. But I just… I didn’t think… I guess I was too busy going crazy to let myself worry about the fact that I might have gotten you pregnant.”

I’m going to be a father.

Me.

Murderer. Ruthless psychopath.

Daddy.

She’s crying so hard she’s shaking.

“They won’t even let me have utensils in here, Joshua. They’ll never let me keep my baby. They’ll take her away from me and put her up for adoption. Or once they do a DNA test and you prove you’re the father, they’ll let you have her but never let me see her. And there’s a serious chance that the only way you’ll be able to keep her is if you promise not to let me near her. Please, Joshua, please. I’m begging you. I’ll do anything if you get me out of here. Anything.”

A great calm descends on me.

“You want me to get you out of here? You want us to be a family? Then you have to promise me that you belong to me and that you’re mine forever. Promise that you forgive me for my stupid mistake and you’ll never try to leave me,” I say. And that is when I know that I am truly evil, for extorting her when she’s as helpless as she’ll ever be, but I also know that I will give everything I have to give Tamara and my daughter a good life. They will be safe and loved as I never was.

“I swear I’ll do whatever you want. Please, Joshua, please help me.” Her eyes are enormous, shimmering lakes of tears. “I want us to be a family. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I loved you so much that when you left me, I went crazy. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever known. You’re the man who can keep our daughter safe from the world. I’ll go down on my knees for you, Joshua, I’ll crawl for you. Just get me out of here. Get us out of here.” She glances down at her belly.

God, I love it when she begs.

“You will be my possession. My property. My slave and my lover.” I stare into her eyes, capturing her gaze. “I will punish you when I want, how I want, as hard as I want, and I won’t need a reason. I’m going to make a special collar just for you, and somewhere on your body, you’ll always be wearing it. Our daughter will never know that side of our life, but it will be there, always. We’ll have nannies to watch her when I want to take you. In private, you’ll call me Sir. I’ll fucking tie you down and spread you open and take you any time I want.”

I’m getting hard as I talk. The dark, dirty side of me is excited by what I’m doing to her right now. How I’m claiming her. How primal and right it feels.

“Yes,” she breathes. I can smell the musky scent of her arousal. “I will belong to you. I’ll be yours.”

Triumph makes me giddy. “Say ‘Yes, Sir’.”

“Yes, Sir.”

My smile turns cruel. “Yes to what, Tamara? The answer is very important.”

“Yes, I’ll be yours.” There’s an edge of desperation in her voice. “Your slave, your property, your fucktoy, your whipping post. As long as I can also be her mother.”

“Time’s up!” The guard calls, and Tamara stiffens with panic.

I hide my smile. Good. Let her feel afraid for a little while. It’ll make her that much more obedient when I get her out. “Hang in there. It won’t be long.”