SARAH

 

On the drive back from Josh, I was both angry with him and, at the same time, full of a strong desire to stay by his side no matter what. Even when he was being spiteful and cynical, I could sense the conflict eating away at him. In the back of the minivan, while Kay drove me home, I couldn’t help feeling such strength in the conviction that he was deeply miserable and that a part of him wanted to wallow in that misery, while another part wished to be released from it like a fish from a net. I felt the pain dwelling at the bottom of his heart and it consumed me with pity. He was still that same little boy that had so triumphantly shown off his treehouse. The same boy that went sad at the mention of his dead mother.

Our paths appeared to be inexplicably bound together, regardless of the animosity that seemed to exist between us.

“What next?” Kay suddenly asked, snatching me out of my reverie.

“What next about what?”

“About Josh Kelly obviously.”

“I don't get your point.”

“My point is simple,” she stated. “Is this just another lost cause that you’re chasing—trying to bring him to the light—or is it something more?”

“I’m not really sure. I feel some kind of pull toward him and it’s not just because he saved my life; it’s more than that.”

“I sensed tension between you both when I came and got you,” my sister remarked. “Plus you were only with him for half an hour. What happened?”

“He upset me.”

“Again!?”

“Yes.”

“How did he upset you this time?”

“He became spiteful.”

“In what way?”

“I can’t be bothered to go into things,” I let out in annoyance.

“But you’re still gonna visit him again?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure. I want to, but he’s so conflicted.”

“Look, I know he saved you and all those people,” Kay began, “but he’s still messed up. Plus it’s not like Josh Kelly is poor and desperate. I bet that place he’s at isn’t cheap. He has all the help he needs. If someone with all his advantages in life can’t help himself then no one can.”

“I think he needs more than that. I see things in his eyes, painful things—things he’s hidden inside for so long that they’re poisoning him. He lost his mother when he was young.”

“So did we,” Kay snapped. “It’s no excuse. I just don’t understand your need to be with him. Is it just the fact that he rescued you?”

“No, it’s more. I feel we’re connected.”

“Connected!?” Kay burst out. “You don’t know him at all and yet you feel a connection! You’re falling for him.”

“No, I am not,” I put back to her sternly.

“Well what else is it?”

“I told you, I feel drawn to him, like I need to help him.”

“And I told you, he doesn’t need it.”

“I met him before you know,” I declared. “A long time ago when we were children. We spent an afternoon together at his treehouse and I’ve never forgotten it. I remember it like it was yesterday. It’s like an echo that’s traveled with me throughout my life. Don’t you see something in that?”

“No,” Kay put bluntly. “So what if you met him when you were kids. It proves nothing. I think you’re going to get burnt, and if you want the truth, I think you’re becoming infatuated with him.”

“Kay!” I exclaimed loudly, the blood rushing to my face.

“I mean it. You’ve always had a thing for bad boys. You want to change them. Remember Sully the heroin addict that kept coming to the food bank?”

“I felt nothing but pity for Sully.”

“He was a terrible human being, Sarah. He’s now in prison for beating an old lady half to death in her own home during a burglary.”

“Sully needed help, but he wouldn’t accept it.”

“You used to give him money for drugs when he was sick,” she said in a sharp tone, “take him to the hospital when he had infections in his veins. You knew that he robbed and hurt people to buy those drugs and yet I used to listen to you talk to him on the phone like he could be saved. I saw your face that day you got the news that he’d been arrested for nearly killing that poor woman. You hardly smiled for the next six months. I could see that you’d loved him and that he’d shaken your faith.”

“I wasn’t in love with him in any romantic sense,” I retorted. “It was unconditional. He’d experienced so much pain in his life and he was unable to contain it.”

“But this thing with Josh is that all over again. Why can you only love those who want to destroy themselves? Why couldn’t you love Karl?”

I was becoming more angry with my sister by the second. This latest question bit into me hard and I had to wait a few seconds before I spoke, breathing deeply and holding my tongue.

“Because I simply didn’t feel that type of love for him,” I eventually answered. “And I don't feel it for Josh or Sully either.”

“But Karl’s such a good person,” Kay said, continuing on with her main point. “Virtuous. He’d be so good for you, and I see the way he looks at you. He loves you. Is devoted to you.”

The conversation was becoming boring and my sister had frustrated me.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said curtly to her.

Kay sighed and for the rest of the journey home we were silent. The day had taken a lot out of me, and, for all the annoyance they’d caused me, I did ponder my sister’s words. I did wonder if there was any point in continuing to see Josh. Was she right? Would this be another Sully all over again? Spending a year attempting to bring him to the light, only for his savagery to win the day and send me spiraling once more into the blackness of despair?