Chopper

 

A small eternity passed with no word from either the emergency team or his men. Chopper sat in the hard, plastic waiting room chair with his head between his knees. He felt sick. Thoughts of the ongoing fight at the compound — he was sure it was still happening — nagged at the back of his mind, but he could focus only on Kelsey. Chopper didn’t know too much about childbirth, but he did know that pregnancies could sometimes turn bad in a way that was very dangerous to the mother. His own mother had once told him a story about how she had almost lost him, and almost lost herself in the process. He prayed that this was not the case for Kelsey.

 

After who-knew-how-many more long, empty minutes, Chopper sat up and forced himself to lean back in the chair, exhaling a long breath. He looked around. There wasn’t much to see. A couple of vending machines stood blinking in the corner against the wall, and other than that, the room was empty. To him, it was ironic, since he knew that only a few miles away, his men and Spike’s were likely slaughtering each other. Maybe the fires were out by now, but maybe they weren’t.

 

But he knew there was no way any of those men would turn up in the emergency room for treatment. Nobody, even the members who were gravely wounded, wanted to face searching questions about their injuries that would likely lead to a hefty prison sentence. For that reason, Chopper had long ago hired a private medical professional, one who was willing to practice with discretion. He patched up Chopper’s boys, and as long as he was properly compensated, he never said a word. How Chopper wished he could have brought Kelsey to him instead, to a place where she was comfortable. But taking her back to the compound right then would have been like throwing her straight into hell. And at this point, Chopper was quite sure he’d done enough.

 

In any other situation, being in such a regulated location would have made Chopper’s skin crawl. He would have been constantly looking over his shoulder for things like law enforcement officers, or anyone he could possibly know. He would’ve been worried about maybe being asked for ID. Now, his anxiety was for totally different reasons. He barely thought about those things as he waited restlessly in the cold and empty room. He almost wished that someone else would come and make things busy again, so that he could be distracted by the storm in his own mind. It seemed, however, that the MCs were the only ones hurting themselves that night. Chopper smiled wryly to himself. It figured.

 

He was dozing uncomfortably when the doctor finally emerged, but as soon as he heard her voice, he snapped back to full alertness. “How is she?” he asked, his impatience again transforming the question into a demand. He made a mental note to watch his tongue around the people who were currently helping Kelsey.

 

“She’s … okay.” The doc’s tone was not convincing. Chopper couldn’t put his finger on it, but something filled him with unease. He scrutinized the woman, from her messy blonde bun to the scrubs on her feet. She had bags under her eyes; he guessed she’d been woken up in order to do this job.

 

“Can I go back to see her?” Chopper took a step forward even before he finished his sentence, but to his surprise, the ER doctor held up her hand.

 

“I’m sorry, sir,” she said, and she sounded like she meant it. “I was told to inform you that she won’t see you.”

 

It didn’t register. “What? Just let me talk to her.” He took another step, subconsciously, and the woman moved to block his way. She was thin, but tall, and her presence was surprisingly arresting. She gave him a level glance from behind her glasses.

 

“I can’t let you in there, sir,” she said. “She says that you are not her husband, and she doesn’t want to see you. I am bound to make sure her wishes are honored.”

 

“She wouldn’t say that,” Chopper protested. But there was no hint of a lie in the doctor’s face. “She’s pregnant with my kid. I brought her here.”

 

The doctor looked at him. This time, her voice was softer when she spoke. “I am sorry to have to tell you this.” She sighed. “The baby didn’t make it.”

 

It took a moment for the words to hit him, and when they did, Chopper stepped back. He searched for words and didn’t find any. “Oh,” he managed finally. Then, “And she won’t see me?”

 

“That is what she said.”

 

“Well …” He had to stop to gather his splintered thoughts. “Tell her I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when she gets out. I don’t care how long that takes.”

 

The doctor pursed her lips. “Sir, I’m not sure that’s wise.”

 

“Good thing I’m not a wise man.” Chopper backed up and planted himself into the same seat as before, holding his head in his hands. He had a throbbing headache in his temples now, and his mind spun wildly out of control. What was happening? Why wouldn’t Kelsey see him? He thought to ask the ER doc when she thought Kelsey might be released, but she was gone by the time he looked up again. Chopper rubbed his face. He felt lost. His heart hurt. He didn’t understand.

 

All he really knew was that Kelsey Jones had come into his life in a whirlwind and flipped everything upside down. She’d started out as a bit of a thorn in his side, but then she’d shown him a side of life he had forgotten years ago. She unearthed a side of himself he had forgotten. Hell, if it weren’t for the money, he might quit the Outlaws, marry her, and settle down. Maybe they’d even move somewhere that they could start over. Whatever she wanted.

 

The day before, his life had seemed as close to perfect as it had ever been. Now, he could practically see it unraveling. Something clenched in Chopper’s chest, and he shoved it down and locked it away. Now was not the time to feel things. He’d have plenty of room to do that once he and Kelsey got past this — or, said a small voice in the back of his head — after it’s all been torn down.

 

Chopper felt like he was going crazy. He needed a distraction. For the first time in a few hours, he checked his phone, feeling a sudden pang of guilt. Kelsey’s plight had left him so consumed that he had forgotten to check in on the war that was raging. He was relieved to see no major news, just a text from Red to let him know that the Mongols had finally beat a retreat about an hour before. Chopper walked to the far end of the emergency room, near the door, and called Red.

 

“Where you been, Chop?” Red drawled. “We were startin’ to think they might’ve got you.”

 

“No,” said Chopper. He was too tense for levity. “Kelsey had a situation. We had to go to the hospital.”

 

“Oh, shit.” Red drew a breath. “I didn’t think she was that far along.”

 

“She’s not.” Chopper didn’t let the words linger for more than half a second. “Give me a report, real time. What’s happening?”

 

“Ah, we’re just playing fire brigade now. ‘Bout an hour ago, all the Mongols up and left real quick. Pulled out like … the tide.”

 

That was weird. Chopper filed it away in his brain. “You see Spike?” he asked.

 

“Negative. You?”

 

“Nope. He went after Kelsey, but by the time I found her, he was gone.”

 

“Hmm.” Red pondered. “You think he’ll be coming back today?”

 

“Maybe. But I don’t even want to give him the chance.” A plan was forming in Chopper’s mind. It was aggressive, but he wasn’t in the mood to take anything else lying down. “Listen. I’m not about to give that bastard any time to regroup. We’re gonna put a force together, and we’re gonna storm their goddamn rat’s nest and kill every last one of them if we have to. You get me?”

 

“I get you,” Red said mildly. “Are you coming?”

 

Chopper didn’t answer right away. Part of him wanted desperately to say yes—to shrug off the hurts of this new situation with some good old-fashioned violence. He was sure that giving Spike the beat down of his lifetime would be cathartic, at the very least. But even in the wake of cold rejection, he couldn’t bring himself to leave his girl.

 

“I have to be here for Kelsey,” he said. “She needs me right now. Besides, I trust you and Hoss to go there and get shit done.”

 

“As you should.” Red sounded pleased. “Tell us what you want. We’ll do it for you.”

 

“It’s simple,” Chopper said slowly, relishing every word. “Make him pay.” Everything that Spike had done to him, to Kelsey, to the Outlaw compound, needed to be avenged. And ultimately, Spike Lawler needed to die. Chopper could see the vicious cycle in his mind’s eye, spinning on and on, uglier and uglier, for the rest of his life.

 

With or without Kelsey, he decided in that instant that he was done. In a perfect world, he would be there to deliver the final blow himself. But right now, there was something even greater to him than exacting vengeance on Spike Lawler. He had to try and salvage the life he realized he wanted.

 

“Take your time,” he said to Red. “And remember everything. I’m living through you right now.”

 

“I’ll have a full report.” Red was smirking.

 

“All right. Go rally your troops. Move out as soon as you can.”

 

“Roger.” The line went dead. Chopper’s world fell back into brooding silence for a few moments. Then his phone went off. He answered automatically without looking, knowing it wouldn’t be Kelsey.

 

It was Hoss. “I want to tell you something I’ve been sittin’ on a long time,” he said, his voice heavy and laconic. “And before you get on my ass, I been ready to raid the fuckin’ Mongols for twenty years, but I gotta wait for Red to get everyone together. So, there’s a little time right now.”

 

Chopper chuckled slightly. “You got me,” he said.

 

In the background, a lighter flared. Hoss inhaled slowly, then exhaled even slower. “I lost a kid once,” he said finally. “Years ago.” A pause, during which he took another drag. “I didn’t know that they could have freak accidents before they was even born, but … mine did. Only time I ever met him was after.”

 

“I’m sorry, Hoss.” Again, Chopper was speechless. He decided it would be most prudent not to say anything at all besides for his condolences.

 

“That first month was fuckin’ hell,” Hoss said. “Didn’t even know I wanted to be a dad ‘til I couldn’t be one anymore.” He laughed flatly. “Few months later, I became an Outlaw. Never looked back. But maybe I should have. Y’know, once in a while.” Another pause, this one longer and weightier.

 

“Anyway, Red told me. So I thought I should tell you.” His voice was undercut by the drone of an approaching bike. “Here comes the posse,” he said, his voice wry. “Guess I’ll be seeing you.”

 

“Good luck,” Chopper said quietly. It was not what he had wanted to come out of his mouth, but anything else seemed even cheaper. Before he had the chance to amend himself, Hoss terminated the call. Slowly, his heart thudding in his chest, Chopper slipped his phone back into his pocket and made his way tiredly across the waiting room to the chair he was beginning to view as his own. He watched the doors to the back rooms for as long as he could, but after he couldn’t take it anymore, he looked away. There was something comforting and painless about the bland, featureless walls, marked only by a simple pain chart on a scale of one to ten. Chopper’s body was starting to feel heavy with exhaustion, but his soul felt even heavier.

 

When was the last time he had felt so alone?