Kelsey

 

It was hard to tell how much time had passed between being carried back to bed by a repentant Chopper and the next time Kelsey opened her eyes. She felt better, but weak. As her eyes passed around the room, she caught sight of Chopper on the phone, his face gravely serious. Remembering the cause for his earlier anger, Kelsey bit her lip. When he noticed that she was awake, he quickly ended the call and came over to sit by her.

 

“Hey Princess,” he said, somewhat teasingly. “How you feeling?”

 

Kelsey floated out a hand and touched his jaw. It was rough with stubble. “Okay, I guess. How long have I been out?”

 

Chopper glanced at the clock. “A good eighteen hours. It’s about time for dinner now.” He looked back at her. “Are you hungry?”

 

“Not really.” She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair, tugging absently at snarls. “Have you been here all day?”

 

He shrugged. “I can run the club from my phone,” he said, with a lopsided grin. “Besides, I wanted to make it up to you. Show you I’ve still got some redeeming qualities.”

 

She smiled gently. “You could just say you were worried about me.”

 

He laughed a little. “I was worried about you.”

 

She leaned up and kissed his cheek, touched by the sweetness in his voice. Her head still ached slightly, and her throat felt like a desert; she grabbed the water glass off the nightstand and drained it in one long gulp. It was warm and tasted slightly stale, but she could tell it was what her body needed. “Can you get me a refill?” she asked, offering the cup to Chopper. Dutifully, he took it and walked to the kitchen. She listened to the faucet run. The sound of the water made her have to pee.

 

As he reentered the bedroom, Kelsey went to the toilet and shut the door. She sat down, and as she started to go, the realization smacked her in the face so hard she nearly cried out. Sitting on the toilet triggered memories of a pregnancy test with two lines instead of one. Reality came crashing in on her.

 

Chopper knew she was sick.

 

Kelsey herself had been expecting morning sickness to start for a little while now; it was just her luck that it would happen at the worst possible time. She’d struggled mightily with lingering nausea, but last night was the first time it had ever culminated in actual sickness. She supposed that the stress of Chopper yelling at her might have played some part as well, but she was pretty sure that her episode in the bathroom was mostly due to the baby. Now, she was at a crossroads. No doubt Chopper knew how to recognize the early symptoms of pregnancy, and if her bouts of sickness continued, he would definitely figure it out. And even if he didn’t, her chances of leaving the Outlaws before she started to show were slim to none.

 

But she had just seen a side of him she’d never seen before. His anger had been ugly and spiteful; he had evicted her from a place where he had promised — no, insisted — she could stay, just to teach her a lesson. She didn’t like it, but she also knew that the thing to trigger his anger was a perceived lie. If she chose not to tell him of the baby, she’d just be doing it all over again. Since she thought he was the father, she owed him a warning, at the very least. If he was like Spike and wanted to bail, he’d have time to figure something out. And she’d have time to finagle some means of support.

 

Kelsey flushed the toilet and washed her hands, splashing some water on her face. She looked at her reflection above the sink. Hours of sleep had carved deep bags beneath her eyes. Her face looked sallow and thin. She wondered if she should start exercising, eating better, drinking more water. It was hard to think health-conscious thoughts in a place populated exclusively by people whose blood alcohol level was more or less permanently above the legal limit, but she was thinking for two now. She turned to the side and checked for any sign of a belly. There was none; in fact, it looked like she might have lost some weight. She let out a short, worried sigh. Not great.

 

Chopper was on the phone again when she emerged from the bathroom. She climbed up on the bed beside him and wrapped herself in the comforter, downing half the new glass of water. He’d put the TV on while she was indisposed, and she watched the muted images on the screen: some low-budget science-fiction thing. An alien saucer descended from a flatly painted sky as Chopper wrapped up his latest call.

 

“You can go if you need to,” she said after he hung up. “I’ll be fine.” The part of her that really didn’t want to have another I’m pregnant conversation hoped he would take her up on that.

 

He didn’t. “Nah, babe. If they need something, they can call me. I’m all yours tonight.” He leaned back on the pillows and put his arm around her, drawing her close against his chest. Kelsey rested her head above his heart and listened to the slow, solid beat for a few minutes. Then she turned her eyes up to his face. “I wanna tell you something, Chopper.”

 

He glanced down at her, half a smile tugging at his lip. “Shoot, baby.”

 

Kelsey sat up. She held her hands together in her lap, twisting the ring on her middle finger that used to belong to her sister. She took a deep breath. Chopper had his eyes on her. “I’m pregnant,” she said. The words escaped into a vacuum of silence. At first, he displayed no reaction whatsoever. Then she added, “I think it’s yours.”

 

“What the fuck?” he said at last.

 

Kelsey felt her heart start to fall. “I took the test in Spike’s bathroom,” she told him. “Then I snuck out to see the doctor. Twice. I was coming back when your guys picked me up.” She hesitated, doing the math in her head. “I’m three months along, give or take.”

 

He didn’t say anything. His face was set in an unreadable, almost eerily blank expression. “Are you sure it’s mine?” he asked after a long period of quiet.

 

“No. But we met three months ago, Chopper. And I didn’t have sex with Spike for a few days before or after that.” Spike had been scarce then, which was why Kelsey had the confidence to cheat. “He was probably out dealing or something. I don’t know.”

 

“Fucking hell,” Chopper said. Then, more vehemently, “Fucking hell!”

 

Kelsey felt a twinge of frustrated irritation. She vowed not to let this discussion devolve into a screaming match. “What?” she said, as calmly as possible.

 

He held his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. “I can’t believe you’re actually pregnant,” he muttered.

 

“What are you talking about?” Kelsey asked. “It’s not like you knew.”

 

“No, I knew.” Chopper dropped his hands and threw his head back in a gesture of exasperation. “I had someone infiltrate the Mongols before we took you, and they told me you were pregnant.” He scowled and threw back the covers. “Fuck this.”

 

Kelsey sat stunned for a moment. It had never occurred to her that Chopper might have done any sort of reconnaissance on her, and she didn’t know how to feel about it now that she knew he had. Mostly, she was upset by the inconsistencies in his thinking. He headed for the door, and she vented some of her feelings at his back.

 

“Goddammit Chopper. If you knew I was fucking pregnant, why are you mad?” He stopped but didn’t answer, so she continued. “You know, at least Spike tried to be happy. He was shitty at it, and I didn’t believe him for a second, but he tried.”

 

“Don’t compare us!” Chopper snapped.

 

Kelsey rolled her eyes. “Then don’t act like him!” As he stomped out, she picked up the remote and pointedly turned up the volume. She wanted to pull her hair out. Part of it was the pregnancy hormones, she was sure, but Chopper’s volatile temper was a real concern. She wasn’t sure she liked having such a hot-headed man as the father of her baby. She knew for a fact she wasn’t signing up to mother both of them. Either Chopper needed to get his act together, or she’d find out a way to do things on her own. A man in her life would be useless if all he could do was throw tantrums. She’d live off the money that came with her plane ticket if she had to. But they hadn’t set a definite amount, and she couldn’t stop herself from worrying about a potential future as a single mom. It was not the life she’d ever envisioned for herself.

 

At the next commercial break, the door opened, and Chopper came back in. He set himself down on the bed, and they watched TV together for a bit, neither of them initiating conversation. “I’m sorry,” he said suddenly. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that.” He sighed. “I guess I just … I don’t know. Things have been the same for years around here. I run the Outlaws, Spike runs the Mongols. When one of us has something the other one wants, we fight.”

 

“And you don’t want a kid to get in the way of your precious fighting?” Kelsey asked.

 

He rubbed a hand over his face. “It’s like this, okay? We’re part of this club, and that means that everyone close to us becomes collateral if we fuck up. It’s one thing if it’s a brother who knew what he was getting into. He took the oath, he earned the patch, whatever. We don’t want to see each other die, but there’s peace in knowing we’re all okay with it on some level. And maybe you could say the same about your girl or your wife, because chances are she’s part of the club too. But a baby? A little kid? They’re like sitting ducks. On one of us, they’re like glowing weak spots.”

 

“You don’t think there’s any member of the Savage Outlaws who wants to be a dad?” Kelsey said.

 

“Of course. Some of us are already.”

 

There was that inconsistency again. But Kelsey was starting to get it. Chopper tended to think about things in ways that exclusively provided him with the most protection against the realities of the life he had chosen. He cultivated viewpoints that allowed him to avoid assuming responsibility for the death of a club member, or the life of a child. He constructed a vision of an ideal self that let him remain as detached as possible, while still being able to reap the rewards of things like sex and drugs and money. He was a machine for earthly pleasures.

 

And she was challenging his whole worldview. Kelsey reached over and took his hand. She was not without sympathy for Chopper’s problems. She’d only been part of the Mongols for five months before switching sides; she couldn’t imagine what years would do. She struggled to grasp the implications of what he was saying, and what she did understand seemed like an excruciatingly lonely life.

 

After Hannah died, Kelsey thought she was done with feelings of compassion. She thought she’d be okay on her own, that she needed to be alone if she didn’t want to be in pain. But she was learning through the rejection and acceptance of these men that those values still held weight in her heart. If she wanted to build a life again, she’d have to hold on to them.

 

“Look, Chopper,” she said, squeezing his fingers. “I’m not saying we need to get married and have some kind of blissfully idyllic life with a picket fence and a dog, okay? I just want to give you the chance to be there for this baby. I don’t think being a father will ruin your life, but I’ll also admit that I don’t have a clue about what your life is or what it means to you. If you don’t want to try to make this work, just tell me. I’ll take the money and the plane ticket when this is over, and you’ll never see us again.” She touched her stomach. “Either of us.”

 

“Hearing you say that feels like shit,” Chopper replied, staring fixedly at the mattress. “I think that means I do want to try. Or at least, I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.” He lifted the back of her hand to his lips. “I’ve gotten used to always being right, but I mean, none of these assholes is ever going to question me, so how could I know if I was wrong?”

 

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll tell you.”

 

He grinned. “I think I might learn to like it.”

 

Chopper ordered pizza that night, and when the food arrived, the smell of the cheese made Kelsey run to the bathroom and throw up. She managed to eat half a slice, but it came back up soon after. The only thing she kept down was water, and even then, the nausea persisted.

 

“Is it supposed to be this bad?” Chopper asked.

 

“I don’t know.” Kelsey lay curled up with her knees to her chest, eyes closed against even the soft light in the room. Her stomach turned restlessly. “I think I need to see the doctor.” It hadn’t even been two weeks, but she didn’t think she could endure six more months of such unrelenting misery.

 

Chopper rubbed her back. “I’ll go with you,” he said.

 

“Really?” She looked at him. “Are you gonna wear your jacket?” She wasn’t sure how well a patched member of a known outlaw motorcycle gang would go over in the waiting room of a maternity clinic. He seemed to catch her meaning.

 

“What?” he said playfully. “You don’t think the doctor will want to join the club?”

 

She swatted him gently, laying her head in his lap. The feel of his fingers in her hair drove some of her nausea back, and she closed her eyes, willing sleep to come. If she could just sleep until March, she thought, that would be pretty much perfect.