“Ok, everybody take a breath and relax,” the midwife said, moving between Jaycee’s open legs.
Beck was there with her, right at her side, holding her hand as he had since he’d laid her on the bed in this private labor room.
He hadn’t bothered with getting gas because they were so close to the hospital, but she recognized the shudder of the vehicle as they drove through the entrance and the car had died right at the edge of the parking lot.
But that hadn’t slowed her man down; he’d abandoned the vehicle right there in the middle of the lane and scooped her out of the backseat into his arms. Jaycee had said she could walk, but he didn’t hear her.
Beck didn’t put her down, not for a second, even after they got inside and staff offered her a wheelchair. He didn’t say much. And he didn’t say anything at all to her. Jaycee understood that he’d be worried and she hated herself for putting him through this.
“I’m sorry,” she said to him as the midwife did her thing. “I’m so sorry, I… I’m sorry I—”
“Hey, now, you, stop it,” he said, pressing his mouth to the back of her hand. “You did nothing wrong.”
“But if I’d listened to you,” she said, sobbing, tears blurred her vision. “If I’d stayed at home, if I’d—”
“Then you’d have been alone when this happened,” he said. “I was there, ok? Just focus on that. We were together, that’s what matters. If this had happened when you were alone…”
When he gritted his teeth and his eyes fell, she inhaled. Was he dealing with guilt of his own? “Maestro,” she whispered, opening her hand on his temple. “Kiss me, Maestro.” This was it. After whatever happened in this building, they’d be over. “Please, love.”
This midwife was new to them, but Jaycee wasn’t sure it mattered anymore. Beck turned his face to hers and opened his mouth to kiss her with every ounce of pain and panic that was seizing them both. “Jaycee, girl,” he said, pulling their joined hands to his chest. He rested his face on hers. “My girl.”
Yes, she was, or she had been. After today, she may be no longer. This must be torturous for him. He’d be so worried for the lives of their children, eager to see them and know that they were healthy, and yet, if they were born, he’d be losing her, they’d be losing each other.
“Have you had intercourse today?”
The voice of the midwife broke the tenderness of the moment, though Beck’s head didn’t leave hers when Jaycee turned to look at the woman standing between her feet. “I… uh…”
They weren’t supposed to talk about it. They weren’t supposed to be sleeping together. “We have to test the samples. We have to know if there’s a chance semen may be present.”
“Yes,” Beck said. “Yes, we have.”
He kissed her temple. The midwife turned away, giving Jaycee a chance to look to him. “Should you have told her that?” she whispered. “What if there’s a record? What if she writes it down somewhere? If Pine—”
“This is your health and theirs,” he said, putting a hand over her stomach on the gown he’d helped her don without letting her leave the bed.
He’d undressed her so many times, but never had it meant so much as it did when she watched his serious expression and felt the tenderness of his gentle hands that night.
Another medical person came in wheeling an ultrasound machine and there were a bunch more tests done, and they all breathed a sigh of relief when they heard the strength of the twins’ individual heartbeats.
The midwife spoke to the doctor at the edge of the room, they consulted some notes, and then the doctor came over.
“Mrs. Smith,” the doctor said, and Jaycee smiled. No one in this room was named Smith, not really.
“She’s not—”
Jaycee pulled Beck’s hand to her chest. “Yes, doctor.” What the guy called her was irrelevant and Beck didn’t have to panic about her assuming to be his wife, there was a contract safeguarding against her getting any ideas like that. “The boys are ok?”
“Yes,” the doctor said. “We have a couple of options here. We can give you drugs to delay labor, you’d have to stay here in hospital, they may only delay your labor by a day or two, or they may not delay it at all. I understand you’ve experienced some contractions?”
So she’d been told. “I didn’t realize that’s what they were. I thought it was indigestion,” she said. “Doctor Nicks told me sometimes women experience false labor… Braxton Hicks.”
The doctor smiled. “Well this isn’t that,” he said. “You are thirty-five weeks and you are having twins. At this stage in the pregnancy, while the babies are considered pre-term, with the premature rupturing of your membranes we would advise that induction would be best.”
“In… you want… you want to induce labor?” she asked. “Drugs that will make me… now? You want me to have the boys now?”
“I know this can be distressing, especially for a first time mother, but I assure you, you’re in good hands. These babies do have to come out of you.”
She’d been told that many times, but it had never been real, not like this. “But… do I… it’s not natural if—”
“Really, Mrs. Smith, you have nothing to worry about,” the doctor said.
“Where’s Doctor Nicks?” she asked.
“You want him here?” Beck asked, stroking her face.
She turned to gaze up at him. “I… I don’t know.”
“I can assure you, I am qualified to deliver your children,” the doctor said.
Beck’s expression went from tender to vicious in a heartbeat. “If she wants her doctor here, she gets her doctor. I don’t care if you have a Nobel Prize.”
“Honey,” she said, reaching up to run her hand down his chest. Jaycee still struggled to remember how her reactions could affect Beck, sometimes her emotions just spilled out of her before she could grab them back. “How did this happen, doctor? Did I—”
“No,” he said, glancing over the chart, though his eyes flicked up to Beck more than a few times, but the guy was right to be wary. “All your lifestyle factors seem to be clear… There are any number of causes, but the babies seem to be healthy, you did nothing wrong, Mrs. Smith.”
Ok, now the name was starting to grate on her. Squeezing her eyes closed, Jaycee let her head fall back with a thud. “What do you want to do, Muse?” Beck asked, resting his lips on her forehead.
Was he really going to let her make the decision? “Let’s do it,” she whispered. “If it is better for the boys… let’s do it.”
Their eyes met when hers opened and she couldn’t tell if it was gratitude or fear that was looking back at her. Maybe it was a mixture of both. “Great, I’ll get the consent forms,” the doctor said and retreated a step, then came forward again. “Oh, Mr. Smith, your wife’s next of kin information is blank. We need that before we can proceed.”
“We’re not married,” Jaycee muttered.
She thought there was time to talk about this stuff, she hadn’t even thought about medical decisions for her if something went wrong.
“Oh,” the doctor said. Jaycee searched the room in front of her. “Your next of kin will make medical decisions for both you and the babies if you become incapable.”
That snapped her from her daze. “Oh no, their father will make all the boys’ medical decisions,” she said, and her hand swayed to Beck’s torso. With one hand on the back of the bed and the other in hers, Beck was looming over her, and she looked up at him. “You need to call Pine.”
“I can’t leave you here.”
“We need a lawyer,” she said. “We need paperwork, medical proxy paperwork. Something I can sign to give you full permission to make decisions for the boys in case something goes wrong.”
“And you?” he asked. “Should I call Mavis?”
Jaycee didn’t even know the rules about stroke patients in residential care making medical decisions for others. “I… I can’t ask her to come here. If she doesn’t get her sleep she gets confused and overwhelmed and I…”
“You can designate medical personnel to make the decisions,” the doctor said. “Maybe this Doctor Nicks?”
“This is silly,” she said and smiled. “Nothing is going to go wrong. I don’t need someone to—”
“Someone has to be in charge of making decisions,” the doctor said. “It’s unlikely to happen, but things can go wrong fast.”
It was so sad, and sort of pathetic, that there was no one in her life who could make medical decisions for her. With an open mouth, Jaycee let her head fall back so she could look up at the man beside her. Would he do it? Would he want to do it?
Somehow he knew the question and he dipped to kiss her forehead before rubbing his cheek on hers. “Don’t you even think about leaving me during this,” he murmured by her ear.
Slipping her hand around his throat to the back of his neck, she guided his mouth to hers. “You choose them, understand?” she whispered. “Something happens and you need to make a choice. You choose them.”
“Jayc—”
“Promise me, Maestro.”
There wasn’t a bone in her body, not a fiber of her being that doubted her resolve in the matter and only after he nodded did she smile. “Call Pine,” she whispered and he kissed her again as he nodded.
Beck would be making medical decisions for the boys and for her too. If it came down to choosing one or the other, she didn’t want him to hesitate in making the right decision.
Labor seemed to take ages. They gave Jaycee the drugs, and she started to contract quickly, so she thought it was going to happen in minutes. But it took hours for her to dilate enough for them to start telling her she should push.
But it wasn’t wasted time. As uncomfortable as she was, Jaycee wasn’t bored. Either she or Beck asked to be alone as often as possible to the point that they were probably coming off as rude. But they were in a flow.
Pine had shown up with the paperwork and switched on his lawyer voice when talking to the doctors and the hospital legal team. Having him around to deal with the details relaxed everyone. But he didn’t come alone. He brought Pete and Snick with him.
The guys fetched her bags from the house and faded in and out of the room as often as Beck would let them.
Beck massaged her back and her feet while they talked about The Quag and the next piece. Neither pointed out the obvious fact that she wouldn’t be around to be a part of the next project. But Jaycee was so grateful that she got the chance to tell him about the thoughts she’d had in different settings over the last few months.
The midwife came in and after a final check went to the door to gesture others in before coming back and pulling up a stool. “Ok, this is it, Jaycee. Are you ready to push for me?”
Ready? No. Beck squeezed her hand and kissed her damp forehead. “I’ve got you, Muse,” he murmured on her and she closed her eyes.
He wasn’t doing a damn thing. He wasn’t sweating, wasn’t in pain, wasn’t ready to scream the hospital walls down.
This was her.
All her.
But when Jaycee’s eyes touched his she felt his strength, felt that need inside her that made her want to please him. She couldn’t disappoint her maestro, wouldn’t disappoint him.
“Big breath in and push,” the midwife said.
Jaycee did just that. Opening her mouth wide, she pushed hard, her eyes never leaving Beck’s as she squeezed his hand hard. “B… B…”
Oh, but… She couldn’t use his name.
“The word you’re looking for is bastard,” the midwife said, and was grinning at them. “Yes, it’s his fault. But don’t worry, Guy, she’ll still love you tomorrow. You’re doing great, Jaycee. Go again for me.”
Yes, she would love him tomorrow. And she’d love him the next day. But they wouldn’t be in each other’s lives. They were trading each other out today for the tiny lives she was bringing into the world right now.
Jaycee followed every set of instructions, she swore at Beck, kissed him, shouted at him, hit him, and went through every emotion a human could. But somehow it all went away when she felt that release and then sagged back. The midwife rose, and it was the look of horror and wonder on Beck’s face that made Jaycee turn toward the end of the bed.
The midwife was holding the tiniest body Jaycee had ever seen. A body. Grabbing for Beck’s shirt, she pulled herself up and he scooped an arm around her back to hold her up. The midwife was doing something to the baby, but he was… he looked pink, why wasn’t he…
And then the air was razed with the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard. A tiny squeak and then a cry. It was the most incredible sound she’d ever heard.
Beck’s name was almost on her lips, but he ducked and covered her mouth with his, stealing the betrayal before it could seep out. “You did it, Muse,” he said and kissed her again, gripping her hair tight as he pushed his head to hers.
“Ten fingers, ten toes,” the midwife said and laid the baby on her. “He’s a perfect boy.”
Oh God, there he was, her child, her… Jaycee held her breath and looked down at the slimy head of the wriggling, shivering little thing. “Daddy, do you want to cut the cord?” a second midwife asked.
He was getting to cut the cord; this was better than Jaycee could have imagined, especially with the boys being so early. Beck did as he was told; Jaycee was still in trembling awe. “We have to check him out,” the first midwife said and took the baby to an incubator in the corner.
“Is something wrong with him?” Jaycee asked, grabbing for Beck again. “Don’t leave him, stay with him.”
“He’s early,” the second midwife said. “We just have to make sure everything’s ok. You can rest for just a minute, but don’t forget his brother is coming next.”
Yes, she had to do this all over again.
The second boy didn’t cry. Jaycee was beginning to panic. The midwives seemed to work more furiously on him, he was smaller, but they did let her touch his head for the briefest second as Beck cut the cord, more quickly this time.
“Go with them,” she said, patting Beck who kept kissing and stroking her. “Don’t leave them alone.”
“They’re right there, Muse. They’re ok,” he said, kissing her again. “Shit, baby, you’re amazing.”
“Don’t swear in front of the babies,” she said, trying to push him aside, but the midwives were crowding around the area in the corner where the boys were so they couldn’t see anything.
One midwife came back to help Jaycee with the afterbirth and then she sagged in the bed and let herself breathe. She’d given birth. Twice. The boys were alive. She didn’t know how healthy they were, didn’t know how much they weighed or what problems they might have because of being premature. But they were alive, that was something, and such a relief.
“How are you feeling, Muse?” Beck asked, pushing her hair from her forehead. “I wish I had my sketch pad now.”
It was a miracle that he made her smile. She cracked one eye open. “The boys have barely opened their eyes and you want to draw them already?”
“You,” he said, ducking to rub his nose on hers and kiss her again. “I want to draw you.”
“Not a chance,” she said, clinging to the back of his neck to draw him around for a kiss. “I have never looked worse in my life.”
“Better,” he said. “You mean you’ve never looked better.”
Jaycee had never seen him smile so much and it was an intoxicating feeling to know that she’d done that, she’d put that smile on that incredible man’s face. Just being near him now, looking at how ecstatic he was, made her lightheaded. Though the dizziness may be something to do with what she’d just put her body through.
“I’m going to close my eyes for a minute,” she said. “Go tell the guys.”
“You sure?”
She nodded. “Keep an eye on the boys, ok? Don’t let them go anywhere alone. You stay with them.” He kissed her again and she caught his hand as he pushed away from the bed. “Love them,” she said. “That’s all I ask. Just love them. Nothing else matters. Just the love.”
“Muse,” he whispered, running a fingertip down her jaw, he kissed her hard. “I love you.”
Her eyes were already closed again, but Jaycee smiled. “I know. My maestro… I love you too.”
His lips were warm as they pressed into hers, then he kissed her cheek, her shoulder, her wrist, her knuckles. Beck managed to make her smile again, he was so happy, and it took him another few seconds before he tore himself from her side.
Jaycee was pleased to hear him going to ask about the boys. The midwife spoke to him for a minute and the sound of her maestro’s voice was enough to relax her.
She was feeling heavy, tired, a bit sick, and still dizzy. She needed to sleep. Just for a few minutes. She had to sleep.