THIRTEEN
Despite Benzio’s fears, he slept great in his own room, but Layla tossed and turned without him. She’d roll over, sigh, then kiss her babies, and her restlessness resulted in an extra feeding. Every time she nursed, she sent Quin to check on Benzio, who lay serenely among the pillows and blankets, one hand tucked under his cheek as the other lay on Arabella’s head.
Quin half-expected Layla’s fears to come true when Benzio awoke in a new place with no memory of falling asleep, but he strolled into the master bedroom Friday morning with his shoulders back, his chest puffed up, and his head held high. “I did it!”
“We’re so proud of you,” Layla praised, but only a toddler could miss the hitch in her voice and the dark circles cradling her red-rimmed eyes.
Benzio ran to the bed for Quin’s hug. Then he dodged nursing babies so he could kiss Layla’s cheek. “I’m going to let Belle out,” he announced, climbing down. “If my grandparents are outside may I tell them what a big boy I am?”
Quin expanded his mind to the lawn and sensed more than a dozen people, including his parents. “Yes,” he answered, returning his focus to Benzio. “But you better use the bathroom first.”
Benzio did as he was told. Then he and Arabella disappeared down the hall.
When the front door clicked shut, Layla puckered and wiped away tears. “I miss him already.”
“I know,” Quin whispered, tentatively reaching for her leg.
She didn’t flinch or move away, and his lungs filled as his palm found her bare thigh, his heart settling into the same rhythm as hers.
She swallowed and shed another tear. “My legs are fuzzy.”
“I don’t give a shit.” He meant it. Even if her legs were as hairy as his, he’d long to touch them, if only to connect with her pulse and energy. “Unless you’re trying to keep me away.”
She shook her head no, so he gave her fuzzy thigh a soft squeeze. “Then it doesn’t bother me.”
“I’ll have to do something about them by tomorrow. I doubt Bri wants her wedding guests focused on my hairy legs.”
“I’ll do it.”
She looked over, giving him a clear glimpse of the eyes he’d been missing, and the corners of her lips twitched with a rare smile. “Okay.”
He grinned and slid his hand to her knee. “I can’t wait.”
Her lips fell as she dropped her gaze. “I suppose the fact that you’re so excited about vanishing the hair from my legs says a lot about the way I’ve been treating you.”
His rush dissipated as quickly as it had blossomed. “I miss you, but it’s temporary. Right?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not a reflection of how you feel about me,” he added, hoping he was right.
She quickly shook her head. “I love you more than ever.”
“Am I giving you what you need?”
“Yes.”
“Is there something I can do that I haven’t done?”
“No.”
“Will you dance with me at the wedding?”
She looked up, caught off guard by the random question. Then she smoothed her knitted brow and made his day. “Yes, but I can’t promise I won’t cry the whole time.”
“I’m not that bad of a dancer.”
Her chest jumped with a short laugh that touched him deeper than she’d ever know. “You’re the best dancer,” she countered. “I’m just an emotional mess.”
“You have every reason to be.”
“I know, but I’m supposed to be a super witch, and last time I checked, crying wasn’t a super power.”
“You do realize your hormones haven’t returned to normal since you gave birth, right?”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s a girly excuse.”
“You talk like girls are weak and hormones are on the same level as a broken nail, but you’re wrong on both accounts. Besides, if the excuse of hormones isn’t legitimate enough for you, you have a depressingly long list of shitty circumstances to fall back on.”
“Are you trying to convince me to cry?”
“No. I’m trying to convince you it’s okay.”
“So you think it would have been just fine if I’d cried through Benzio’s birthday party?”
“Well, no—”
“Or if I spend Bri’s entire wedding sobbing into my palm?”
“That’s not—”
“Or if I never get to watch my babies nurse again because I’m too busy blubbering?”
“Layla!”
She’d gone from calm to raving in matter of seconds. Now she slid to a halt and took a deep breath.
Quin moved his hand from her leg to the back of her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Why are you apologizing? I’m the one being ridiculous.”
“At least you’re talking to me.”
“Ouch.”
He closed his eyes and cursed his insensitive tongue. “That didn’t come out right. I only meant… I just wanted…” He sighed and looked at her. “I love that you’re talking to me. Please don’t let the foot in my mouth stop you.”
She found his eyes, and for the second time in one morning, he spied traces of her smile. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?” he returned.
She wiggled her cheek into his palm. “For loving me at my worst.”
He took a chance and drifted his thumb across her lips. “This is your worst?”
“I think so.”
“What if I said it’s beautiful?”
“I’d know you’re as crazy as I am.”
“Then call me insane, because your strength is one of the most beautiful qualities you possess.”
“Strength? It feels like desperation.”
“We see what we’re made of in desperate times, and you’re made of—”
“Tears.”
An unstoppable grin stretched across his face. “You just made a joke.”
“A really obvious one.”
“I don’t see any tears right now.”
“Give me a bit. I’m making the kids’ video today.”
He slid his bottom lip through his teeth, hoping his anxiousness wouldn’t seep through the palm touching her face. “Another display of your incredible strength.”
“I won’t get through it without crying.”
He hesitated then leaned close, touching his forehead to hers. “Then let them see it. Show our sweet babies that strong people cry.”
She intently searched his eyes, as if they were the source of her extraordinary courage. Then her lashes fell over shiny emeralds as she drew a shaky breath and pressed her lips to his.
He shuddered, his fingers curling as he ached to pull her closer, but this was more affection than he’d gotten in days, so he stilled his hand, closed his eyes, and savored every second he shared her air.
Layla didn’t intend for the kiss to be a bribe, but it worked like one, earning her a fancy breakfast in bed, and the improvement in Quin’s mood seemed more like the result of a romp between the sheets than a needy kiss.
He deserved more. He was struggling with the same heartache plaguing her, and he faced stressful situations every direction he turned, but she couldn’t comfort him like she wanted to. In just two devastatingly short days, she was supposed to hand over her children, kiss her grandparents goodbye, and leave home, but her resolve hung by a thinning thread. If she had any hope of following through with her departure, she had to stay strong, sane and emotionally sound. And she had to keep Quin at arm’s length, because his tender love threatened to bring her to her knees. Submitting to his heart submerged her in everything good about the life she had to abandon, and once enveloped in such sweet serenity, she never wanted to surface.
After breakfast, while Quin set up a camcorder in the library, Layla made an effort to look nice. The video could be the only way her grown kids would meet their mom, and she didn’t want them to meet a haggard and depressed woman on the verge of a breakdown.
She’d been avoiding mirrors lately, unwilling to compound her insecurities and stress for the sake of appearances, so she braced for the worst when she entered the bathroom.
Drawing a deep breath, she rotated toward the mirror, and her nose scrunched as her top lip curled. Yep, she looked like shit, but she wasn’t a stranger to the tired eyes staring back at her. She’d gotten to know them well while caring for her dying mom, but back then she had a job that required her to shower, groom and dress. Now she was a mess from frizzy hair to fuzzy ankle. The fact that Quin yearned to be near her despite her messy state spoke volumes about his devotion, because she looked more like a hag than an angel.
Following a heavy sigh, she washed her face and brushed her teeth. Then she used magic to shrink the swelling around her eyes and lighten the circles beneath them. Untangling her wild curls reminded her of the struggle she used to endure every time she tried to use a comb, but no amount of hexless hair products had ever provided the sleek shine she got from magical fingers.
With her face fixed and her hair tamed, she rounded the corner into her closet, shuffling through the wardrobe for an outfit that reflected her personality. Given her hexless past, her magical future, and her ping-pong brain, the task was much harder than it should have been. Should she dress like the girl she used to be, the witch she’d become, or the angel the world thought she should be?
After several minutes of frustrating deliberation, she decided to dress like the woman she wanted to be and donned a simple yet pretty dress composed of soft layers of ivory chiffon. The sheer sleeves fluttered across her biceps and disappeared into the loose bodice, and a plain satin ribbon cinched the waist of the long and breezy skirt.
She appraised herself in the mirror, and though she was pleased she didn’t look flashy or fancy, she didn’t want to look boring, so she summoned her green tourmaline jewelry to offset the pale gown. She shortened the necklace to match the modest neckline. Then she slipped on the bracelet and turned, finding Quin leaning against the doorjamb.
She took a startled step back, but she was quick to regain her composure. “How long have you been there?”
“A few seconds,” he answered, keeping his distance.
She dropped her gaze and fidgeted with her jewelry. “I guess I’m too anxious about the video to feel you. Is it ready?”
“Yeah.” He straightened and took a step, but he kept his hands in his pockets. “You don’t have to do this, you know?”
“Please don’t tempt me. If I don’t make it back, there’s so much they’ll never know about me, but if I make this video, they can listen to my voice and hear me say I love you. It’s the least I can give them.”
“You gave them life.”
“And I want those lives to include my voice and the steadfast knowledge that I love them.”
He chewed his cheek and gave a solemn nod. “I want that, too.”
“Then I need to make this video.” She glanced at her dress then back up. “Do I look okay?”
“You look like a dream.”
“Well, that’s appropriate. I’ll probably be reduced to a dream by the time they see the video.”
He flinched, and she sucked her lips into her teeth while turning away from him. “God, I’m a bitch.” She rubbed her forehead, tempted to smack it. “I’m sorry.”
He didn’t respond for several seconds, and just as she wondered if he’d walked away, his strained voice came from a few feet behind her. “You look really beautiful, love. You picked a nice dress.”
She lowered her hand and turned her head, finding his aura out of the corner of her eye. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Is there anything I can do to help you through this?”
“No. I just need to get it over with.”
“Then I’ll give you some privacy. Will you come find me on the lawn when you’re done?”
“Yes.”
He took another step, and his body heat curled around her shoulders as his lips touched her hair. “I love you,” he whispered. Then he turned and walked away.
When the front door closed, Layla plopped down on the round seat in the middle of the closet and rested her head in her hands. “You’ll make it up to him,” she told herself. “Somehow.”
She straightened and filled her lungs, and after one more glance at the mirror, she headed for the library.
Of course Quin had gone above and beyond simply setting up the camcorder. He’d aimed it at the sofa and placed it at the perfect height, and he’d supplied a glass of water, a cup of coffee, a box of tissues, a fresh bouquet of lilies, pictures of their kids, and a handwritten note – For the sweetest and strongest woman I know.
Layla chewed her lip as she read it, wishing she were strong enough to run outside and throw her arms around him. Instead, she smelled her flowers and warmed up the coffee, sipping as she studied the buttons on the camcorder.
Once she had them figured out, she returned her mug to the table and paced. The letters she’d written contained nearly every important message she wanted to relay to her children, so the video would be short, and if she didn’t prepare what to say, it would be filled with awkward silence punctuated by sobbing.
“I love you,” she practiced, certain that was the most important thing they hear. The rest was inconsequential. The video’s purpose wasn’t to lecture them about life, and her letters went into detail about her hopes and dreams for them. But she needed to speak for them to get a proper feel for her voice… a proper feel for her. That was the video’s purpose.
Wringing her hands, she spun around and approached the camcorder. First, she checked its position, focus and battery. Then she took a deep breath and pushed record.
Her knees shook as she walked to the sofa, hoping her faltering grace wouldn’t translate through the lens, but as she rotated to sit, she disregarded her vanity and imagined the smiles of her growing children. With that, she found a genuine smile of her own and waved at the camera.
“Hi, my loves. It’s me, your mom. But you already know that, don’t you?” She slid her sweaty palms down her thighs, trying to be inconspicuous about it. “You’ve probably heard a lot about me. Not only from people you trust, but from strangers who never even met me. Some of the things they say are just rumors, and some of it’s true, but everything you’ve been told has been filtered through another person’s perspective. The mom you know is a memory, but this”—she held out her hands and glanced down—“this is the real me. I’m a person, just like you. Your grandparents think I’m perfect, so I’m sure they’ve told you I was beautiful and sweet and all around flawless. Your dad knows better, but he still calls me angel. If he was able to make it home to you, I’m sure you’ve heard him say it while telling you how amazing I was. I love that he sees me like that, but the truth is I’m not perfect. You’ve heard I was strong, but what they’re not telling you is I’ve cried my way through every struggle I’ve faced. When they tell you I was sweet, they’re omitting the times I’ve lost my temper and taken revenge on people who hurt our family. And when they talk about the bravery I displayed when I set out to selflessly save the world, they won’t tell you how scared I was or how many times I considered letting the whole world burn because all I wanted to do was stay home with you and your dad. I get angry. I get crazy. I cry, hard and often. And I’ve had plenty of selfish moments.”
She paused, reining in her emotions as she took a drink of water. Then she set the glass on the table and rested her elbows on her knees. “There’s also a chance you’ve heard horrible stories about me, tales of insanity, murder and failure. I can’t deny them.” Her throat swelled as tears slipped from the corners of her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away. “Some of the awful things they say are woven with the truth, but remember, it’s filtered through their perspectives, and they don’t know the whole story. You’ll never know it either, but I promise you, when I fought, I fought for love. I killed for it, because it’s the purest, sweetest and strongest love I’ve ever known. When I left home to help save the world, I was trying to save it for you. Always for you, my loves. For you, your dad and the rest of our coven. So whether they tell you I was perfect or terrible, please know neither is true. I’m not a scary witch with raging eyes. I usually look like this. And when life is good, I smile and laugh a lot, especially with your dad. But I’m not some flawless angel you can’t touch. I’m real. I want to feel real to you. I want you to be able to close your eyes and talk to me and imagine my face as I intently listen, and I want you to hear my voice in return. I’m more than a story. I was here. I held you, kissed you and loved you with all my heart. And now I’m loving you from the afterlife. All four of you.”
She grabbed a tissue, wiping her face as she took another sip of water. Then she braced to continue. “A few more things before I go. Some of this is written in your letters, but I want you to hear it from me.”
She trained her gaze on the camera and imagined their faces. “Sweet Benzio, never forget how strong you are or how much this coven loves you. You’re a survivor, and you belong in this family. They need you as much as you need them. When they tell you I saved you from the Dark Guild, please know you saved me first. If not for you, the triplets and I may have died there. The pride and joy of giving birth to you belonged to Zio and Jacinda, but it was my privilege to give you the life you have now, and I will always consider myself your mom. Thank you for coming into my life when I needed you most.”
She filled her heavy lungs and shifted her focus, her knuckles blanching around the tissue she clutched to her aching heart. “My handsome, Farrow… I bet you’re a spitting image of your dad and impressing people everywhere you go. I wish I was there to watch you grow, but if you have your dad’s heart and soul as well as his looks, I know you’re doing just fine. Keep taking care of everyone, but don’t forget to take care of yourself. Heroes need love and affection as much as the next guy. The same goes for you, Kaedan. I already get the sense you share your dad’s compassion and introspection. You might seem like the quiet one, but I bet you’re the first to notice when someone needs help, so never stop being you. The world needs more people like you.”
She wiped her eyes while grabbing another tissue, and her gaze briefly lingered on one of the photos spread out on the table – familiar green eyes and dark curls tousled atop the most perfect little head she’d ever seen.
“Lilyana Rose,” she breathed, her face flexing around a smile as she looked up. “You must feel so outnumbered with all those boys running around, but I doubt there’s ever been a girl so utterly loved and protected. They probably drive you crazy sometimes, and I’m sure they go overboard with the dirty looks every time a boy gets the guts to approach you, but I’m glad you have them. It’s a harsh world, and a heart like yours breaks easily, so be patient with your brothers when they try to protect you. Their intentions are good, and they need you. Not only because you’re their sister, but because you, sweet child, are a vivid reminder of me. I know that’s not news to you. You must have been told countless times, and you’ve probably felt like you’re staring into a mirror when you look at photos of me. I imagine it’s surreal to watch this video, especially if you’re grown. But I’m missing the dimples,” she added, smiling as she touched her cheek. “Those came from your dad.” Her lips fell as her eyes moistened. “I bet he’s the most overprotective of them all. Please don’t hold it against him. No one loved me like your dad loved me, and we’ll miss each other every second we’re apart. It can’t be easy for him to let you go when he’s already lost me, so if he gets overbearing, give him a hug, kiss his cheek, and assure him you’re not going to disappear. You’re the most important girl in his world, and he’ll never stop worrying about you. I know that might seem like a lot of pressure, but it’s not up to you to replace me. Your dad and grandparents love you for who you are, not who you resemble. Seeing me in your eyes is a perk for them, so don’t feel obligated to repair the holes I left in their hearts. Just hold on tight to the pieces they’ve given you.”
She dropped her gaze and linked her anxious fingers. “I could ramble forever and still feel like I haven’t said enough, but the truth is I don’t know if anything I’m saying is relevant or helpful. Maybe I’m wrong about everything. Maybe the four of you are nothing like I envision and your lives are completely different than those I hope you have.”
She swallowed a lump and forced her focus back to the camera. “I’m going to do everything I can to get your dad home to you. If he didn’t make it… I can’t even express how sorry I am. You deserve to know him, to experience what an incredible man he is. It must be so difficult to live without either of us, but hopefully you still have your grandparents to remind you where you came from. If nothing else, carry this video and my letters, and when life sucks, remember how your emotional and scared mom powered through the most difficult moments of her life. If I can do it, you can do it, because you’re part me, part hero. You, too, Benz. Zio and Jacinda were two of the strongest people I’ve ever met, and their hearts were so big they were willing to die for the people they loved. That’s the very definition of a hero. All four of you have what it takes to conquer the difficult road ahead. I promise. I just wish I could be there to see it.”
The tears flowed in steady streams down her hot cheeks, and her throat wouldn’t stop contracting, but at least she’d made it to the end of the video without melting into a blubbering mess. “I guess that’s it. I just wanted you to hear my voice and know what it sounds like when I say your names and tell you I love you. I hope it helps more than it hurts, because nothing on earth or in heaven is more important to me than your well-being. I live for it, and I’m willing to die for it. If you’re watching this video, that’s exactly what I’ve done. As long as the four of you are living life to the fullest, I won’t regret it, so love with your whole heart, laugh every day, and play like there’s no tomorrow. That’s what I want for you.”
Her smile shook as fresh waves rolled over her lashes, but she ignored the tears while offering her kids one more wave. “Goodbye, sweet babies. I love you with the strength of a million beating hearts.”
She held her strained smile long enough to blow them a kiss. Then she abruptly stood and moved off-screen. She held her breath as she hurried across the room, but as soon as she stopped the video, her lungs filled with a raspy gasp, and her trembling legs liquefied.
Dropping to her knees, she hugged her empty fists to her chest, wishing she could tear out her heart and leave it with them. Maybe then it wouldn’t constantly break as it beat their names.
A heaving sob vibrated her bones as her head fell forward, and her desperate fingers stretched to catch the pouring rain, every drop shed for the souls she’d birthed into a dying world only to abandon them. How absurdly selfish? And yet, she couldn’t regret it. Not after looking into their beautiful eyes, hearing their healthy hearts, and breathing in their bright auras. Whatever force contributed to their creation, whether it was nature, the Heavens, or the raw and unpredictable power of transcendent love, her babies’ existence was inevitable, and the world was better off with them in it.
After crying her eyes dry, she summoned the box of tissues and cleaned herself up. Then she pushed her heavy body off the floor. Her mess disappeared with a wave of her hand, but she was much more careful as she removed the camcorder from the tripod and stored it in the armoire with her letters. Closing the door on them for the last time lightened the weight on her shoulders, so she headed for the lawn to give Quin an overdue hug.
When she opened the front door, she found him sitting on the landing, but he quickly stood, tucking his hands in his pockets as he nervously faced her. “How’d it go?”
She closed the distance between them and slipped her arms around his waist, holding tight while resting her cheek on his chest. “It’s done.”
He seemed hesitant to free his hands, but once he held her, he squeezed like he didn’t want to let go. “You amaze me, but I hope they never have to watch it.”
“Me, too.”
“Ready to see them?”
“Just a second.” She turned her forehead to his pecs and took a deep breath. Then she kissed his heart before loosening her grip.
He took her cheek in one hand while running the other down her hair. “I miss that.”
“I know. Thank you for being here when I was ready for it.”
“It’s my pleasure.”
She tried to smile, but she knew it wasn’t convincing anyone, especially him. “Now I’m ready for them.”
He released her cheek, but he kept his gaze on hers while cautiously reaching for her hand. She surrendered it, letting him curve his fingers between hers. Then she searched out their kids as they walked through the garden.
“How do you feel?” he asked.
She shrugged. “Like I’m hanging on by a thread.”
“You can’t tell by looking at you.”
“Good. I’d like to get through the next two days with my sanity and dignity intact.”
He gave a solemn nod and ran a thumb across his lips. “We’re going to have company this evening. Bri and Keg are hosting dinner for everyone involved in the wedding.”
Layla resisted the urge to roll her eyes and complain. “That makes sense.”
“Maybe it will serve as a good distraction from our problems.”
“Maybe,” she agreed, but she wasn’t convinced.
They’d reached their children, and after smothering Benzio in kisses and hugs, Layla loaded her arms with babies. Quin waited for her to sit before taking the chair beside her. Then he stayed silent while watching her love on the triplets.
Once she was no longer talking to them, he leaned closer and elaborated on their evening plans. “It won’t end with dinner. The guests will stick around after we eat.”
“And do what?” she asked, unsure why he was giving her a play-by-play.
“Celebrate,” he explained. “Weylin didn’t get to throw Keg a party, so he’ll want to drink with him tonight. And Bri will probably invite the witches to Cinnia’s for a final dress fitting.”
“Right,” Layla breathed. “I still haven’t seen the gown she wants me to wear for the ceremony.”
“I know this is stressful.”
“Aren’t all weddings stressful?”
His aura subtly darkened as his brow knitted, but his voice remained mellow through a matter-of-fact reply. “No.”
She opened her mouth to counter his argument, but closed it before making an ass out of herself. She knew nothing about weddings. She’d attended only one at the unfocused age of four, and she’d certainly never been a member of a bridal party. Maybe if her life wasn’t so disastrous she could find appreciation for the tradition, but she had a difficult time making room for it amid the chaos that cluttered her world.
Tearing her gaze from her babies, she glanced at Quin. “I bet you can’t even count how many weddings you’ve attended.”
“Not off the top of my head.”
“Were any of them stressful?”
He rested his elbow on her armrest and played with Lilyana’s pucker. “Not that I recall.”
She stayed quiet for several seconds, chewing her lip while watching his profile. Then she brought up a wedding they’d both experienced, but only he’d attended. “My mom was cursed at her wedding.”
His pupils dilated as he whipped his head up, staring at her like he’d just figured out that one plus one equaled two, but following a couple of blinks, he closed his mouth and swallowed. “Is that the only wedding you’ve seen outside of movies and media?”
“The only one I remember.”
He looked away and leaned back, his face drawn and pale. He’d never had such an intense reaction to her dismissal of weddings, and she wasn’t sure why this time was different. Maybe he’d been holding out hope, and she’d just crushed it, but she wasn’t convinced her mom’s fate had any influence on her reluctance to marry. She’d felt indifferent about the tradition long before she dove into her parents’ memories, and now she was dealing with too much bullshit to invest her time in planning a party.
“Maybe I’ll get a new perspective tomorrow,” she offered, trying to return the color to his cheeks.
“Maybe,” he mumbled, fidgeting with the fingerprint tag on his wrist.
She shuffled babies around to keep them content, but her mind stayed on Quin and the stormy colors floating through his aura.
Just as she opened her mouth to delve deeper into their issues, he changed the subject. “Do you feel like participating tonight?”
“I’ll do what I need to do,” she agreed, eager to move past the discussion of marriage, “but I’m keeping the kids with me.”
Layla managed to remain attentive and somewhat social during dinner, drinks and the dress fitting, but by the time she tucked Benzio into his own bed and shuffled to her room, she once again struggled with tears. Two nights. That was all she had left, so she lay down with the triplets beside her, wishing she could hold them as she slept.
Quin no longer questioned or mentioned the wall of infants between them, and though they stayed awake for over an hour, just watching their babies breathe, neither of them spoke. They had nothing positive to say, so the room steeped in depressing silence until they succumbed to exhaustion.