Chapter Eighteen
It wasn’t the first time the hospital had called her work.
Not in her life, not in the year, hell not even in that same month.
Sierra’s mother had been quickly degenerating. Losing pieces of her mind and self as though they were ashes in a strong breeze. With them went pieces of Sierra as well, stuck to watch her mother go through not knowing where she was. Not knowing who she was.
The drive from the Casino to the hospital had become a familiar one. She’d been able to compare times, figuring it took between thirty and thirty-five minutes. She’d blare music if she could find anything she liked. If not, she was stuck with her own mind.
How many times was she going to let her mother be at risk like this?
How many more times did she have before it would get too serious?
Sierra wanted to blame Miss Jean, wanted to say that she called for ambulances more often than she should, but when it came down to it, she was glad that she was calling them. Rather this than her not calling when it was important.
Sierra’s grip tightened on her steering wheel as she entered into West Valley. She didn’t want to feel the guilt that was eating away at her, but she knew that it was rightfully hers.
She was being selfish in keeping her mother at home.
Her mother had great insurance plus enough money left from her accounts to live a very comfortable life in assisted living. She’d be able to live at least twenty years in a facility off of just that, and by then, Sierra would be able to afford to step in and do the rest, but…
There was always the but.
She didn’t want strangers caring for her mother. She wasn’t the kind to just dump this woman who raised her and molded her into the person she is into some cold building for strangers to watch after her. Sierra didn’t want to imagine her mother, strong her entire life, having to be at the whim of someone who only took care of her because they were paid to do it.
It was pride.
The hospital showed up in her vision, and Sierra took a few breaths to calm down.
It was her own fault that her mother didn’t have eyes on her at all times to ensure she wasn’t wandering outside. It was her own fault that her mother got sick from opening windows and leaving them open when it rained. That her mother would go outside in the middle of the night and just stand there in her night gown.
If she was in a facility, none of this would happen.
She loved her mother, though, and she remained willfully blind to that.
“Momma,” Sierra said softly as she pushed into her hospital room. Her mother was a mop of peppered hair and olive skin in a room of pure white. Hospitals always had that unearthly ability to leave her feeling like she’d stepped either into either heaven or a horror movie. It was too sanitary, too polished.
“Hi, honey,” her mother answered, rolling her head over heavily to look at her. Her arms were taped up with wires and tubes.
“What’s going on?” Sierra asked gently, sliding into a chair beside the bed.
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen this episode before,” her mother answered, looking up at the television that was playing an obvious rerun of a sitcom from the eighties. She didn’t seem to understand anything that was going on around her or how bad it was looking for Sierra.
“Mrs. Klotz had a seizure. Her neighbor called her in,” Doctor Renner answered, interrupting the moment as he walked in.
“A seizure?” Sierra’s heart froze. She’d had two seizures before, but they were spread out, she’d been praying they wouldn’t happen again.
“It was a partial one. We’re going to keep her overnight to keep an eye on her, but she should be fine. We’re going to run some tests and scans,” he answered, looking over the room with a dismissive glance. “I’ll have a nurse give you more information. We’ll be prescribing her an anti-seizure medication, though,” he explained.
“Is there any permanent damage?” Sierra asked, subconsciously reaching out and grasping her mother’s hand. Her skin felt thin as paper, and her fingers were cold and gangly. These didn’t feel like the hands that had raised her into adulthood.
“Not any that we’ve seen so far,” he shook his head. “Again, I’ll send in a nurse to go over the details. Have a good night,” he replied before heading out. She didn’t mind him leaving. Doctors never were too helpful to Sierra. Nurses always seemed to care a lot more.
Settling into her seat, Sierra watched her mother’s face as she watched the TV show. She looked entirely aware and entranced. Sierra wanted to talk to her – really talk to her – but knew she should let her mother rest.
What if Miss Jean hadn’t been around?
What if her mother had been alone, had the seizure, and had nobody to help her?
Sierra still had five hours left on her shift when she was called off it. What would have happened?
The idea sent disgusted chills through her body. Her mother seemed fine, though. They’d run her through the regular tests and scans, and then they’d shove them out the door without much explanation.
She survived and seemed to be doing all right, and that’s what mattered.
A buzz interrupted her train of thought, and Sierra pulled her phone out to look at it.
“What are you doing tomorrow for lunch?” It was Anthony.
Sierra wasn’t sure what she was doing for the next hour, much less the next day, but hearing from him calmed her in a way. It was soothing to know that she was on someone else’s mind. She wanted to talk to him about all of this, tell him about her mother. Pulling up his contact information, she got ready to call him, and her thumb hovered over the ‘send call’ button.
Her mother shifted on the bed, and Sierra lost her resolve.
As much as she needed him to be there for her, needed a shoulder to cry on, her mother needed her.
“I’m not sure if I’ll be free, but I have work off in the evening. Do you want to come over to mine for dinner?” she texted, trying to figure out how to word it.
He could meet her mother in person.
She could tell him the truth about her life, about why she doesn’t want to stay in town but has to.
“Sounds amazing. I’m looking forward to it,” he answered, and Sierra set down her phone with a sigh.
“Miss Klotz,” a soft voice asked from the door, pulling Sierra’s attention back to the room.
“Yes?” she asked, looking over. A nurse in patterned scrubs was standing there, looking like she had a lot to say.
“Can you step out here with me for a moment?” she asked, nodding her head to the hallway.
Sierra looked over at her mother and watched her for a moment. She didn’t even seem to notice anyone had come to the door.
“Sure.”
The hallway was mostly empty.
Tall rolling carts stood at one end of it, holding empty dinner trays, but besides that, there was nothing in the hall but Sierra and the nurse.
“Your mother would do much better in a care facility,” the nurse said, as if she’d been reading Sierra’s mind.
Just like that, Sierra wanted to snap.
She wanted to yell, scream, point out how hard she’d been working because god damn, she’d been working hard. Her mother was important. She wanted to provide the best for her, and she’d been trying to provide the best for her. Now this stranger, a nurse who hardly knew them besides in passing, was passing judgement on who could care for her mother.
“I’m sorry. How is that your business?” Sierra replied coldly.
She wouldn’t make a scene.
She knew better.
All the same, she sure as hell wasn’t going to let this random stranger try to tell her how her life should be led.
“I’ve seen your mother in here so many times in the last year. Aren’t you feeling overwhelmed?” the nurse’s badge said Catherine.
“Look, Catherine, you don’t know us,” Sierra said flatly.
“That’s fair, but I know both of you deserve a better quality of life than this,” the nurse answered flatly. “It’s not my job to get involved in these things, but I really think you should consider looking into it. If it’s a money problem–”
“It’s not a money problem,” Sierra cut her off.
She felt horrible, rude, and loud, but she wasn’t going to let someone assume they knew anything about either of them.
“All right. Whatever it is, you owe it to both of you to consider the alternatives,” the nurse answered. She held out a couple pamphlets, and Sierra took them stubbornly.
“My mother hasn’t had dinner tonight,” Sierra answered flatly.
“I’ll see to it that we get a tray to her, then,” Catherine said without changing her tone.
Sierra watched the nurse leave and then went back into her mother’s hospital room and sunk into the chair by her mother’s bed. She slapped down the pamphlets and felt hot tears start to freefall from her eyes.
She knew she wasn’t good for her mother.
She knew this situation wasn’t good for herself, either.
Giving her up, though, letting her be placed in a home for the elderly, felt like an admission of failure.
She’d worked so hard to make this work. She’d given her all into ensuring that she could care for her mother without help. Sierra’s makeup smudged and burned her eyes as she wiped her tears. She loved her mother. She’d always loved her mother. She was her best friend and closest confidant.
Who would she be if she gave her up?
What would that make her?
Sierra slipped into the bathroom and washed the rest of her makeup off.
What would her mother think of her?