TWO – ASH
I am chiding myself, after all, this was not the first time I have seen men shirtless. The young men in my clan were often so during training. It wasn’t the whole group that excited me, it was the one man. The one I keep catching starting at me. Staring at me with those deep, sky-blue eyes. His body is massive. He is easily a foot taller than me and is covered in muscles. Seeing him standing there, so natural in his half-nakedness sent a shock down deep into my core.
I had such a sudden longing to trace every part of him, feel each and every corded muscle. I have always been drawn to strength and he has plenty to share. I shake myself out of my imagination, I don’t have time to daydream about being with a man I don’t know. He would only distract me and complicate things. Besides, it would never work as he can never know I am a shifter. I will never burden anyone with that knowledge.
As I hurry my way back to Nash’s tavern, I am beating myself up. I pray the men did not notice how my shock. Hopefully, none of them could see my embarrassment or sense that is why I made a hasty retreat. The last thing I need is any of them thinking I am interested. It is already hard enough staying under the radar being new in town but adding courting men into the mix would make it impossible.
The trouble with being a woman in a new town is no one wants to leave you alone. It’s hard being normal with a minimum of all your teeth but being memorable makes it nearly impossible. That is why I rarely went on supply runs in human form, it was always difficult for me to be discreet and forgettable.
I am not dense, I know I am more than just mildly attractive. My mom was one of the most beautiful people I am ever known and I seem to have inherited many of my features from her.
Growing up, she used to always say to me, “Why blend in when you were born to stand out?” When I was young, I would love hearing her say that, it made me feel special and grown up. After my first transition, that phrase came to haunt me and I started to fear it. The worst thing for any shifter is to stand out, something my mother will never understand since she is not one.
That is why I can’t risk changing into my eagle form any time soon, if someone were to see me, my cover would disappear in an instant.
Approaching the tavern, I see a few of the regulars and a few unknown travelers already eating lunch. Looks like it will be busy enough to keep my wandering mind off the blue-eyed man and his drool-worthy chest.
Working at Nash’s Tavern is perfect for what I need. It not only gives me a place to sleep, it allows access to the numerous travelers coming through town and thus their gossip. I am hoping to hear a word from home. I will take any rumor, as it will help me discover if anyone else survived.
I hope to hear anything other than they were captured. Being killed would be better than falling to the torture of Ridders. I don’t know what I will do if I hear one way or the other, but for now my plan is just to listen and lay low. I must keep myself safe, or I won’t be able to help anyone. The worrying is starting to tear me apart, it’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard anything.
I walk in behind the bar to grab my apron. Nash is talking to two men I recognized, some of the local farmers. Seeing me, he excuses himself and heads my way.
Nash has owned his tavern for twenty or so years, yet he still jokes about being new to the town. He is a large man, nearing fifty, and healthy as an ox. I have no doubt that he will be running this place for another twenty years. He looks tough, with this bald head, thick beard and being easily over six feet tall but as soon as you get to know him, most of that toughness disappears. Don’t get me wrong, he could easily handle any troublemakers but he rarely gets involved in tussles. He prefers to let the men handle it amongst themselves. That being said, if anyone threatened anyone he cared about, I am sure he would destroy them. He is a nice man to have in your corner and I trusted him from the first moment I met him.
Nash asked me with his gravelly voice, “Did it all get delivered without a fuss?”
Nodding, “The basket wasn’t too heavy, and Liz was a great company.”
His eyes lit up a little bit at that, “She sure is, I think that is the reason she is such a great healer, she makes everyone so comfortable.”
Nodding my agreement, “So which table first?” I say as I tie the apron around my waist. There were a few tables I noticed that didn’t have any drinks on them yet.
Nash gestured to the table near the door, “Over there, they have been waiting for the longest.”
Grabbing my tray, I nod as I make my way to the table he indicated. There were four of them, I got their order and they all wanted an ale, easy. Turning back to the bar, I hold up four fingers and Nash gets started on pouring. The fingers only work for ale, but since that is what most people order, it makes things a little bit faster. I check to see if any of them want lunch but they all shake their heads no. One of them says, “Not right now lass, maybe after the first round.”
I nod, “Let me know if that changes.” I head to the bar to pick up their pints and quickly distribute them among the men, “I will be back as the drinks start to get low.”
The next table had two men sitting, both regulars that I have seen in a couple of other times. They always come in together. I smile when I walk up, as are the best sort of patrons: they tip well and never make any passes at me. You would be amazed how rare the latter is working as a barmaid. There have been a couple times already that I have had to stop myself from attacking some of the customers after they were too grabby.
Stann is the town’s lender – he mostly deals in money but occasionally lends equipment or other needs. Den owns the largest market in this village, he deals with traveling merchants and the local farmers to keep a healthy supply of goods always available. They are both bachelors and best friends. I am starting to think maybe something more.
They are always well dressed and clean, something that is rare in these parts since most of the men spend time working on the farms or doing other outdoor labor.
Stann is the eccentric one. Today he has a wide-billed hat on, in the latest fashion. The hat is awful, it makes his heads look exponentially smaller, but somehow Stann pulls it off. I guess confidence can make an outfit. Thankfully, the rest of the outfit is more relaxed, the fabric is dark velvet and practical in the cut. Personally, I think it is too warm out to wear that material, but he seems comfortable enough.
Den’s outfit is a bit more normal. His trousers and shirt are light and loose enough to be comfortable in the weather. They are soft neutral colors of blue and dark tan. It’s funny, they couldn’t look like more opposites today. One is ready for the sun, the other for the gloom.
I walk up and ask, “What’ll it be today?”
“Ash, so glad to see you, can you help settle a little bet?” Stann asks me excitedly.
Den blushes and looks horrified “Stann we can’t ask a lady this.”
I laugh, “Oh out with it. Don’t worry about offending me, the only parts of me that are a lady are the parts I was born with,” I say with a wink.
It took a second for them to get the joke, but soon we were all laughing together. It lightened the mood and I could see Den relax slightly. Clearing his throat from the laugh, Stann says, “See, Ash is perfect for this. We can’t tell which of us is more attractive?”
Not missing a beat, “Should I take your hat into account?”
Den choked out a laugh, “That’s brutal, Ash!”
I chuckle with him, “I couldn’t help it. Truly, it’s not that bad of a hat.” Stann looks slightly offended, “Just answer the question.”
“I can’t. I don’t think of either of you in that way, to me you are both equal.”
“Oh, come on, you’re supposed to help us settle this bet! How will we know which one of us is more of a catch?” Den asked in mocked outrage.
Laughing, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t truthfully answer the question. What’s the point anyway, are you fighting over a girl?” I don’t think it’s about a girl, but I do understand the desire to keep secrets and I think they both have one they share.
“No, nothing like that. We just got bored and decided to figure out which of us was better looking.” Stann said. “Turns out it is harder than we thought to solve.”
“When you figure it out, you’ll have to let me know. Now what would you like, I have to run to the other tables?”
Stann replied, “Fine, fine, we will get an answer out of you eventually. You will both take a pint of the finest ale and some lunch. What did Nash make today?” They always ask for the finest ale, but Nash only ever has the one ale on tap.
“Goat cheese toasted on bread and a tomato based chicken soup. It smells delicious.” I turn to the bar and hold up two quick fingers, catching Nash’s eye.
“That’s why we like this place, Nash always seems to make some interesting things.”
“I’ll be right back with your drinks, Nash’ll bring the lunch out as soon as he gets a chance.”
The rest of the lunch rush was a blur. It’s always steady at the tavern and today was no exception. I kept my ears tuned for any tidbits but nothing notable came out. There were some whispers of a fire from Navan – the town I fled from, but it didn’t seem that any of them knew what caused the fire or what was going on up there. Any news is good though, as it’s a long road between Navan and Cliffden. I will probably start hearing more in the next week. My impatience makes me forget that what I did in three days, typically takes a person a few weeks to travel by horseback.
I am in a morose mood, thinking of everything I have been through. The world is harsh to shifters, I would call it unfair if it would do anything other than irritate me. It’s just the way of the world. The harshness was why I am so grateful to have found my clan. Before them, I was alone and miserable. We clung to each other for safety and survival but most importantly, for the chance to be ourselves. Belonging to the clan is the closest I have come to filling the void that was created when I left my family.
I desperately hope they escaped the attack but I have my doubts. We were hit suddenly by a large group of Ridders – a slang term for the band of vigilantes, whose sole purpose is to rid the world of shifters. Whatever they are doing seems to be working as shifters are becoming increasingly rare. I am not sure if it is causing more of us to go into hiding or if it is affecting the magic that creates shifters in the first place. Whatever the reason is, our numbers are so low now that there is not an accurate count.
There are stories that in the old days everyone had the capacity to shift and even in my grandparent’s day it was much more common. My grandmother used to claim to have known twenty shifters in her village. That is extraordinary, considering the village only had a hundred people in it. Now, I think I was the only one in this generation in the same village.
Shifters had always had a dark shadow around them but it has gotten so much worse since the decline. People fear what they don’t understand but despise what they cannot control; which leads to the two main reasons people hate shifters. The first makes even the most sensible of men paranoid, it’s not knowing if the animal near you is in fact, a human in disguise. The second is jealousy. Knowing that everyone has the capacity to shift, yet they did not will make them resentful.
I have never understood the jealousy. In reality, there is nothing but heartbreak and loneliness awaiting a shifter. Nearly everyone hunts you and hates you.
In theory, no one is born a shifter, though some people believe that it’s all pre-ordained before you are born. The first shift usually happens in your teenage years, typically between fourteen and twenty-one. There are very rare cases where people have their first shift earlier or later in life. Unfortunately, I was one of the rare ones, with my first shift at eleven.
Growing up, I was taught to fear meeting a shifter but even more, to fear becoming one. They were the monsters under the bed. We word told numerous horror stories, by everyone. Stories of shifters being hunted down and slaughtered, either because they deserved it or not. Depending on who was talking, the story was either filled with hate or pity, sometimes both. Because of this, you cannot imagine the fear I felt when I first shifted. I was eleven. Not only was I younger than normal, making it unexpected, it also happened on the worst day of my life; the day my twin sister died.
There was a devastating plague that had hit our village and my sister and I had both caught it. We were desperately sick, so sick my parents thought we would both die. I was sick first, then Poppy a few days later. She must have gotten it from me, as she never left my side, nursing me and trying to keep my fever down. I still blame myself for her death.
Every memory from those days involved Poppy. She was in the bed right next to me and every time I woke – there she was. Seeing her did nothing but terrify me. Her face was covered in sores and she looked so pale and weak. Her lips were dry and cracked, her eyes crusted over. I thought I looked the same. Later, I learned that she was affected far worse than I was and I never developed any of the sores. My parents thought that was why I lived when she didn’t.
I think it was the shifting waking up inside of me, as I have never been sick since.
I cannot recall how many days passed in that fevered state. When I finally woke up free of the delirium, I was alone in the bed. I thought Poppy was already up running around. My parents called for the healer once they saw me. My fever was broken, my complexion was normal and I was hungry for the first time in ages, so the healer had declared me out of danger. I still had some recovery to do but I would not die.
With this, my parents decided I was strong enough to have the truth. They had waited to tell me, not wanting to risk me giving up the fight once I found out. Dehydration was declared as the official cause of Poppy’s death. She was too sick to drink anything down, without throwing it back up. That plus the fever ravishing our bodies, it was too much for her. Without enough water or nutrients, her body could not fight anymore.
My heart broke with the news and that was the first night I shifted. To this day, I don’t know if it was the sickness or her death that triggered it.
I thought my first shift was a dream. I fell asleep after hours of crying, only to wake up flying over the treetops.
Only in a dream could I soar over the treetops. Only in a dream could I see for miles around me. I soared up towards the moon, then dove back down in a rapid flurry. I flew without abandon. I was happy, and only in a dream could I be happy.
It was sometime later I learned the truth, that all of this was not a dream. After hours of flying, I passed over my house and then I saw the village square with the still smoldering pyre. The sight of it shocked me into the truth, as for why would I dream about this. If my dream was meant to be happy, this is the exact opposite of what I was supposed to experience.
The pyre that had been used to burn all the dead who the sickness claimed. The practical side of me understands why everyone had to be burned, not buried. We had to ensure that the sickness was swept away and all traces of it destroyed. The emotional part of me was disgusted. When people die, they are meant to be given back to the earth and have a tree planted over their grave. Denying people this burial is destroying their final purpose. It is not right.
Worse still, the fire was still burning and no one was standing vigil. They left our dead to be alone in their final moments on the earth. They left my sister alone.
I should have thought of my safety and my new identity but all I could think about was Poppy. Alone and burning. I landed without a second thought and hopped over to the still smoldering pile. At some point, I fell asleep, lost in a world without my sister.
I transitioned back as soon as I fell asleep and I was awoken sometime later by my mother. She went to check on me in the early morning and when I was not in my room, she came looking. It did not surprise her one bit to find me out there, though she did wonder where all my clothes were. I crawled into her lap and together, we cried.
That was the last time I ever felt secure, being cradled in my mother’s arms.
Shaking myself out of those thoughts, I set a firm resolve that I would find my clan. If I can’t have my family, I can at least have them. I never quite lost the feeling of loneliness when I was with them but I was close Besides they are all I have now. Until I hear otherwise, I will believe they are okay and that I will find them again.
The lunch rush has finally slowed to a trickle and the place was almost empty. Not much work left to do right now, so Nash motioned me over to the bar for a break. As I approached, he was busy setting out our lunch and pouring me a pint. “Eat up and relax, we earned it. It was a busy one today.”
I smile at him and take a long drink of my pint. “Nash, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, I don’t see why not.”
“Do you think those we lose ever leave us?” I guess my afternoon thoughts really got to me.
“Course they don’t.” He looked stricken, “What brings this up?”
Giving my stew a stir, partly to cool it down and partly to give my hands something to do, “Oh nothing, just some memories from when I was young. I have always thought that once they were gone, they were gone for good, but now I am not so sure.”
“My gran used to always say a person splits into two when they die. The first half is their physical body. That half is the one we bury. We plant a tree over them to give the physical body it’s second and eternal life. As the body decays, it feeds the new tree which in turn feeds the forest around it, eventually feeding the next generation.”
“But what if the person was not buried, what if they were burned?”
“Then their ash will produce some nutrients for the earth and those will help a wider variety of plants grow.”
“But you can’t visit them,” I whisper.
Nash nods, “No, you can’t but that is where the other half comes in. Their spiritual half. That is the half that never leaves us.” He paused, looking far off. I did not say anything though, my silence urging him to continue.
“Gran always used to claim to feel them, but I never could. I think she would say that to bring peace to people. I have always felt their spirit lived inside each of us. Lived in our memories and experiences. They help shape us when we most need it.”
“But the memories hurt.”
“That they do, but eventually they will hurt less and the longer they are gone, the more you will cherish those memories. Bodies are not meant to live forever, but memories will.”
“Until there is no one left to remember them.”
“That is just the way it is. Don’t fret too much about this Ash.”
“I won’t, I was just thinking of someone really special to me.”
With a voice that sounded much older than he is, “You won’t be alone forever, lass.”
I looked up to ask what he meant as the door behind me blew open. We turned to see who came in and it was four of the men from Liz’s house. They must be done, Liz is no doubt relieved. I start to push my stew away, I hadn’t eaten any, but I don’t have an appetite to anyway.
Nash stopped me before I could stand up. “Sit back down and eat, I can go get the order. Take a few minutes for yourself.” He was giving me some needed time to gather my thoughts.
Walking out from behind the bar, he announces “Besides, these men are far too raucous to deserve service from such a fine young woman.” I chuckled, just like Nash, finding a way to lighten the mood and draw attention away from me.
One of them yelled back, “Aw Nash, you don’t give yourself enough credit, your beauty is beyond compare.”
“At least I am pretty before folks have had themselves a drink, can’t say the same for you, Grant.” That caused an eruption of laughter amongst the men and some back slaps for Grant.
I will never understand a man’s sense of humor. It is always insulting, but two men could say the exact same thing and have entirely different results. If it was a friend, they would laugh until their side hurts. If it was a stranger, a brawl could erupt within seconds.
“Nash, you hurt my feelings.” Grant looked about as confident as a man who did not take the insult seriously. “Besides, that’s not what you were saying the other night.” He winked and laughed out loud.
“Oh boy, nothing like that, I was just wondering why you hadn’t settled down with a nice lady yet.” Nash was now standing at their table. “But now I can see it’s your manners scaring them away.”
“Alright, alright if you both keep bantering, we will never get a drink,” The blue-eyed man spoke up. “Nash, can we get a round of ale, this one is on me – I lost a bet earlier.”
One of the other men shouted, “He got weak, being away for so long, took twice as long as the rest of us to fell a tree.”
“That I did, but I can still drink you lot under the table.”
“I bet you can, Gregory. I will be right back with the drinks. Do you want anything to eat?”
“No, we have to be hungry for the feast tonight. My mother would be furious if we came back already full.” He had a slightly guilty look, “And we already had quite a few meat buns on our way over.”
“And I am guessing you cleared them out?” Gregory nodded and Nash let out a laugh, “You are single-handedly keeping them in business. I will be right back with your pints.”
On his way back to the bar, Nash stopped at the other two tables to see how they were doing. One was just finishing, so he cleared away their plates. The other, a table of two merchants wanted another round. Seeing that, I got up to help him deliver the orders.
Nash took the four drinks to the group of locals, I went to the merchant’s table. I was distracted by Gregory, the blue-eyed devil when I felt a hand grab my backside. Snapping my attention to the man in front of me, rage burned in my eyes. I see why they wanted another drink, they thought they could have a grab at me. Rising my hand to prepare my assault, I was shocked when his grip was lost and the merchant was thrown out of his chair. Thinking it was Nash, I turned around and met the stormy eyes of Gregory. He did a quick check to see that I was okay, then had the merchant by the neck up against the back wall before I could so much as blink.
Gregory was so close to the man’s face, whispering threats that only I and the merchant could hear. “How dare you grab a woman without her permission.” The merchant looked terrified. Gregory was slightly taller than him, but twice as large, “In this town, we respect people and don’t act like animals.” He squeezed harder. “Do you know what happens to animals when they act rabid?” The merchant nodded frantically, his face was starting to turn red. “I need you to understand that if I ever see you in here again, I will put you down.” The merchant looked as if he was about to pass out, Gregory gave one final squeeze then dropped the man from the wall.
“Leave,” Gregory said.
The merchant’s friend ran over and grabbed him, then the two men half stumbled, half ran out of the tavern.
Seeing the man outside, Gregory turned to look at me, an expectant look in his eyes. I was suddenly inflamed. “I had that handled,” I shouted at him.
He looked dumbfounded, “What?”
I snapped, “I didn’t need you to swoop in and save the day but if I ever do, I will shriek loud enough for it to be obvious.”
“But he had a fistful of your ass. Was I supposed to just leave it there?” He shouted back.
“I had it handled. One more second and I would have knocked him out of that chair myself.” I lowered my volume to slightly louder than a whisper, “I don’t need your protection.”
I turned and started for the stairs, “Nash, I trust you can handle the bar for the next few hours. I need a break to cool down.”
Looking between Gregory and me, he nodded, “Aye, go calm down. Head back around dinner time.”
I shot Gregory a glare, with what I hoped was enough venom to scare him away from me. I needed to push him away, and hard. My rage was faked, but it burned off the sudden passion that came over me. His sudden appearance to my defense, plus his astonishing strength shivers through my whole body. It excited me more than I have ever been. At that moment, nothing was more dangerous than my attraction to him.
I fed every ounce of my anger towards the world that prevented us having a normal chance into a glare, then turned and stalked upstairs. I didn’t look back but I could feel his eyes burning a hole in my back the whole way.