Chapter 22
Gone! Cersi was gone.
The knowledge still had Monster raging inside of him, but the human part of him…well, that part was hurting.
Sitting on his front porch glaring out at the woods, he felt numb but it had nothing to do with the subzero temperatures. It was just past noon. The sun was covered by a thick layer of fat pink and gray clouds that warned of more oncoming snow.
Haddix, who’d delivered the news of Cersi leaving BlackLodge earlier that morning, was back at Tyson’s cabin for the third time since delivering the bad news. Bent over, Haddix leaned his forearms on the front porch railing, head angled to stare at Tyson. “How you doing, man?”
Tyson’s answer was a grunt.
Noah rounded the corner and shot Tyson a solemn look before jerking his chin at them by way of salutation. His booted feet pounded up the stairs where he clapped Haddix on the back before taking the empty rocking chair beside him. “Guess everyone wanted to check on Monster today, huh? You doing okay?”
Annoyed, Tyson shoved up out of his chair and blew out a pent-up breath before burying his fists in his hair. Hell no, he wasn’t alright, but he sure as shit wasn’t going to sit around and have a fucking pity party over it. “I’m good,” he grunted knowing they both could scent the lie.
“Hey!” Noah shoved up off his chair. “Wanna go into town? We can hit the Celtic, troll for some ladies?”
Tyson just dropped his hands and shook his head.
“Come on, bro!” Noah prodded. “When’s the last time you been laid?”
Tyson gave him a look which was matched by Haddix. They all knew the last time he’d been laid was two nights ago when he’d been with Cersi.
“Shhhit,” Noah breathed. “Sorry.”
Tyson clomped down the stairs. “I’m gonna go for a run.”
“You sure? Another woman might…”
“No!” Tyson shot Noah a hard look. “I ain’t burying my pain into somebody else. It ain’t right.”
Without another word, he disappeared into the forest, stripping off his shirt as he went.
On his porch, Haddix gave Noah a sympathetic smile. “Ain’t no harm in trying.”
Alone in the woods, Tyson fought the desire to go to town and drink until everything and everyone disappeared. Bad things happened when he got drunk, so he usually avoided drinking. Right now though, the need to go get hammered and pick a few fights was humming through him like the incessant growl of Monster. Poor fucker hadn’t stopped snarling since Haddix knocked on their door early that morning and Tyson was having a hell of a time keeping the beast from taking his skin.
He should have known better. He’d offered Cersi all he had, which was just him and a fucked up animal that everyone called Monster and she’d walked. Of course she’d walked. Who wouldn’t? He was disgusted with himself for even making the offer and embarrassed that he had. It wasn’t enough for a woman like Cersi. He wasn’t enough, and he knew it. A woman like her deserved better than a Monster like him.
Deep in the forest, he shifted and ran. He ran so damn hard and so damn far. The whole time he sprinted there was something building in the back of his throat. Finally, he slid to a stop on the edge of their pack territory and threw his head back and bayed a lonesome, pain-filled howl.
***
Cersi felt like she was dying inside. She felt sick and hollow, and every time she thought about Tyson walking into the main house and realizing she’d left, her gut twisted with shame and regret.
Staring at the TV, she took another sip of her beer before setting the bottle on the table right next to the bottle of Benadryl she’d been nursing. Allergy medicine knocked her out so when her bouts of anxiety became too much to handle, she often kissed the Benadryl gods in hopes of respite. It always worked. Even now, her eyes were starting to droop. Sleep. It’d be nice. She hadn’t had any real sleep since she’d left BlackLodge five days earlier. She’d thought…no, she’d hoped that distance from Tyson would get her head back on straight, but she was miserable. She wanted to go back. She wanted to go give Tyson a chance, but she was afraid, and alone in the dark confines of her apartment she wasn’t ashamed to admit that to herself. Sitting in the dark without fear of being discovered, she admitted that she was afraid that Tyson would get too close and find out the real truth, which was that she wasn’t loveable. Sure she and Vesa were close. She also genuinely cared for Vesa more than anything. But was that love? She wouldn’t know. She and Vesa’s relationship had been formed out of necessity. They’d been two abandoned girls tossed into a screwed up system where they’d clung to each other for stability. Their relationship had been one of mutual need. There’d been no choice. There’d never been a choice for her. She’d been brought into this world without anyone ever having asked her or caring her opinion on the matter. Worse, the two people who’d brought her in, who were supposed to be responsible for her and care for her, had abandoned her. They’d forced her to enter this world, and then they’d discarded her like she was trash. Because of that, she felt worthless most of the time. She felt like an imposter who’d snuck into a party and at any moment someone was going to notice and ask her to leave. She hated that feeling. She hated feeling like she didn’t belong. Her skin color and her attitude only made it worse. She was a sassy black woman, and for some reason, that alone offended more people than it should.
Stupid cunts!
The world was full of miserable people. Now, here she was, counting herself among them, never having wanted to join their ranks but forced to all the same. She’d done her best to become what society would deem a productive member, but oddly, she felt more alone now than she ever had growing up. Perhaps it was because Vesa had finally found happiness. The thought seared her with shame. How could she even for one single second be jealous of Vesa’s happiness? Vesa deserved her happiness with Haddix, and deep down, Cersi honestly believed that she deserved a little happiness of her own too. She just didn’t know how to get it, and just the thought of Tyson accepting her and letting her in only to discover that she wasn’t worthy had humiliation and self-loathing ripping through her.
She’d never asked for anything from anyone, and she was given nothing. Now, it was all she had. Nothing. And she regretted it. For the first time in all her twenty-seven years, she hated that she hadn’t humbled herself and asked for what she needed. Help, acceptance…love, she hadn’t ever asked for any of it. If no one had ever offered it then she sure as hell wasn’t going to cow herself by asking for it. And, now here she sat, hiding from her fate because she was ashamed to admit to Tyson that she didn’t know how to love. She didn’t want him sacrificing himself for her when she didn’t even know how to give him what he deserved. She was always supposed to be that way. She was going to live strong, die hard. But…she’d seen him, and he’d cracked her armor. Like a great stone table broken right in half, Tyson had fissured her resolve to stay apart from the world. Here she sat fuming and regretting. Feeling anxious and useless she felt like giving up for the first time since she’d been a helpless kid.
Buzzed up, and high, and crying now because she didn’t know what to do, Cersi leaned forward and fisted her hair with both hands. She groaned and fought to keep in the scream that was wrenching its way up her throat.
She’d believed with every fiber of her being that she’d been meant to be alone, hell, she’d been born that way, and then fate had thrown Tyson her way. And she wanted him. Dear god, she wanted him! She never knew a person could want another so badly and it made her chest ache. Her throat hurt too. It felt like someone had bottled a roaring tumultuous sea and dumped it inside of her. She was restless and exhausted. She wanted to sleep. She wanted to run. Her body was starving because she hadn’t eaten since her last meal at BlackLodge, but these new emotions that had been assaulting her for the past few days had annihilated her appetite. Everything was contradictory.
Sleep! Sleep was what she needed.
Snagging the bottle of Benadryl off the table beside her, she took another drink before chasing it with her beer.
Just get fucked up, you’ll feel better.
She slammed the rest of her beer and let the empty bottle drop to the floor beside her chair. It felt like the walls were caving in and she needed someone to tell her what to do. But she had no one, just Vesa. Glancing at her phone, she picked it up and looked at the numbers dancing before her. Calling Vesa felt wrong. Vesa was in BlackLodge, and Tyson was in BlackLodge, and reaching out to Vesa felt like encroaching on Tyson’s territory. She shouldn’t do that…should she?
In her head, she played out how her conversation with Vesa would go, and somehow her muddled brain changed the conversation to one with Tyson. In her head, she was screaming at him that this was his fault! She’d been fine before he’d come along and made her want shit that wasn’t meant for someone like her.
I swear God made you for me!
That’s how she felt. Like Tyson was her reward for all she’d had to endure. But that wasn’t right. God wasn’t real. God didn’t let children suffer alone and be bounced around from unwelcoming home to unwelcoming home. Still, she couldn’t get out of her head the way Tyson had taken to calling her Beautiful instead of Badass. He called her Beautiful like it was her name and she’d never admit it, but every time he called her that, something inside of her warmed with pride and hope. Every. Damn. Time.
Dropping her phone, she got up and staggered to her kitchen in her bare feet. She’d been wearing the same jeans and t-shirt for two days now, but who cared. She hadn’t left her apartment in nearly a week.
In the kitchen, she jerked the fridge open and strangled another bottle of beer. Standing in the open fridge and chugging it down, she grew light headed and swayed on her feet.
Yes!
She felt numb and was having a hard time keeping her eyes open.
Slamming the empty bottle onto the counter, her clumsy hand released too slowly. When she pulled her hand away, the top of the bottle came with and then it was falling. She was turning away before it crashed to the floor, forgotten.
In her room, she tried to get her shirt off, but only managed to tangle her arms before she gave up and crashed face first onto the bed where merciful, sweet, elusive, darkness finally claimed her.