Chapter Five
14 Hantar
I got married today. Married again, I should say, because Cederic and I were married months ago, but Castavirans distinguish between the wedding promise (which is what we did in spending the night together) and the marriage vow, which is spoken before a priest-mage in a special ceremony.
It was all very abrupt. I was finishing breakfast with Audryn and Sovrin and Terrael—after the healing, he’s well enough to move around on his own, though he has to rest often—and Terrael and I were preparing to join everyone for the strategy planning meeting when Cederic approached at a near-run. That was frightening. He’s usually so calm that when he moves quickly, it means something is really urgent. He took me by the arm and said, “Sesskia, come with me. We have to swear our marriage vows.”
I was surprised enough by his haste his words didn’t make any sense to me, and I had to ask him to repeat himself. He did, all the time pulling at my arm to make me rise. I resisted, saying, “Why are you in such a hurry?”
He released me—by this time I was standing—and said, “The Emperor must be joined to his wife by vow of marriage before they are crowned. The coronation is tomorrow. We cannot delay.”
“Oh,” I said. That was as far as I got before Sovrin and Audryn put themselves between me and Cederic.
“Sesskia can’t make her marriage vows looking like this, Sai Aleynten,” Sovrin said.
“What’s wrong with the way I look?” I protested.
“It’s barely past sunrise,” Audryn said, ignoring me. “You can give her some time to change. This is an important day, Sai Aleynten, and you—neither of you—want to look back on it and regret being so hasty. You ought to change your own clothes, too.”
Cederic glanced down at himself—he was wearing the Kilios’s robe, which as I’ve written looks scruffy despite being a piece of Castaviran history, and his ankle boots he hasn’t bothered to shine for days, and smiled one of those tiny, self-deprecating smiles. “You have a point, Master Engilles,” he said. “I will ask Sai Amaleten to prepare to accept our vows at noon, if you think that will be sufficient time.”
“We’ll hope so,” Audryn said.
“What’s wrong with the way I look?” I repeated, now feeling annoyed at the idea that it might take four hours to make me presentable. But it’s true I was wearing an odd mix of Venetrian and Castaviran clothing, my Venetrian shirt and coat having been ruined by the God-Empress’s soldier and his so-sharp sword. I’m now very glad Audryn dragged Sovrin and me and a handful of other women mages into Colosse to a clothing store she knows.
The owner was taken aback when we all came bursting through the door, but when she understood who I was and what we were after, she became incredibly helpful. She found an unclaimed dress in my size, altered it there in the store because it was (of course) too loose in the bosom, and finally made the whole thing a present to me for my wedding day. I think she’s hoping the Empress-Consort will bring business in if she’s pleased with the service. That might even be true. I have no idea what kind of clothing I’ll need in that position.
We went out and found shoes and jewelry while the woman was altering the dress, dark green malachite stones and golden slippers to match the green velvet and gold lamé of the dress. It has a square-cut neckline and these odd sleeves that fit tightly through the upper arm and then bell out alarmingly (from my perspective as a thief who might have to climb walls in them) and have to be turned back and pinned to the upper sleeves by more of those malachite stones set in brooches.
We were able to do all of this in three hours, which left time for me to be fussed over by half a dozen women who (except for Audryn) had to date shown no interest in clothing or hair or jewelry, but now revealed themselves to be experts on Castaviran fashion. By the end, they were oohing and aahing over me, and when I became irritated that I was the only one who couldn’t see how good I looked, they did a kathana that made a mirrored oval in front of me where I could see my whole body at once, and the sight made even me breathless.
The same women were my escort to where Cederic waited, and the sight of him made me breathless again, because I’d only once seen him in something other than a robe, and today he wore a heavily embroidered sleeveless tunic over a loose-sleeved linen shirt, and gray trousers tucked into knee boots, and he was so handsome I felt stunned. Then he turned and looked at me
I don’t know why remembering that makes me emotional. Probably because no one has ever seen me the way he does. It’s more than just feeling beautiful, it’s that when he looks at me, I know he sees someone who makes him stronger, and being able to do that for someone—mattering that much to someone—it makes me feel stronger too.
So I took his arm, and we walked through the tents and out of the camp to where practically everyone in the combined Castaviran-Balaenic force was standing, waiting for us. It was unexpected enough that if Cederic hadn’t had a tight grip on my arm, I might have tried to run out of reflex. That was when I really understood the kind of life I’d volunteered for. I’m going to live the rest of my life in the open, no more hiding, no more disappearing into the crowd. It still frightens me if I think too much about it. I hope someday it will be easier. I’m afraid it never will.
At the time, I didn’t have the leisure to entertain those thoughts, because we were approaching the wagon where Sai Amaleten stood so we could be visible to everyone. I wished we were marrying in the Balaenic tradition, which is extremely private, just a votary of the true God and the two witnesses who stand as living reminders of what you promise the true God and each other. Which reminds me Cederic and I had talked about the Castaviran marriage ceremony, and we almost ended up not married right there because I was worried about swearing oath before his God when I worship a different one. It was a short but wide-ranging conversation, and the result was:
1. We don’t actually know they’re different Gods. Given that we both started from the same place, it’s more likely we’re using different concepts for the same being.
2. At no point in the ceremony do we make vows to God, so I’m not blaspheming.
3. Balaenic clerics will eventually weigh in on whether the Castaviran God is the same as the true God, or is one of the four false Gods (true God forbid this is the case), or is a different true God, and we shouldn’t make that decision for them.
4. We should at some point get married the Balaenic way to satisfy the Balaenic citizens that their new Emperor respects their customs, at which point the true God can bind our union.
Even so, between the huge audience and my lingering doubts about whether the true God would strike me down for swearing these vows, I was overwhelmed enough I don’t remember a lot of the ceremony. For one thing, I have no idea what I said beyond the first ritual words “To swear oath of marriage before God’s representative” that you say in response to the priest-mage’s inquiry as to why you’re there. Everything after that is completely up to you.
I know Sai Amaleten asked some questions about what we were willing to sacrifice in order to make our marriage work, and I hope I didn’t promise anything impossible, like obeying Cederic without question (hahahaha). I vaguely remember telling him I would be his foundation forever, and I don’t think I was that articulate, but it was enough to satisfy both him and Sai Amaleten.
What I do remember—what I am certain I will never forget, but I’m writing it down here anyway—is Cederic taking both my hands in his, looking at me with those eyes so much like my own, and saying, “I loved you long before you knew it. Everything about you captivated me—your quick mind, your generous heart, your endless strength. Even now I will sometimes look at you and be awed at the thought that you have chosen to bind your fate to mine. I swear to be faithful to you, Sesskia, now and every day for the rest of my life.”
I can’t think of anything more perfect than that.
Anyway, after we’d made our vows to each other, Sai Amaleten said a few words in a language I didn’t recognize Cederic said later was Kureki, a formal tongue religious ceremonies used to be celebrated in, and everyone cheered, and we kissed, and we were married. Again.
Audryn must have gotten to the camp cooks, because after all that we had a huge meal that was as nice as it could possibly be under those circumstances, and we received a lot of congratulations. Mattiak didn’t even look jealous or regretful when he hugged me and said, “I wish you joy, now and in all the days to come” which is what Balaenics say to celebrate new beginnings.
Then it was over, and we changed out of our nice clothes (mine have been put away for me to wear to the coronation tomorrow) and went back to our normal routine, which for Cederic meant going over plans for the coronation and for me meant practicing with my mages. We want to work on the problem of discovering the original form of magic, but with the coronation looming up in front of me, I can’t really focus.
Cederic came in about five minutes ago, asked me what I was writing, then proceeded to take off his clothes very slowly and provocatively, which is no doubt why my handwriting is so messy now. He’s been waiting very patiently for me to finish, since he knows I need my record to be complete and not to skip over the important things, but I find I’m the one who’s impatient now, because I feel as if this is our first night together, all over again. And this record’s not nearly as important as he is.
15 Hantar
It’s taken me hours to calm down enough to hold this pencil without it shaking so hard it leaves scribbles all over the page. How could I have forgotten the hold the God-Empress has on so many Castavirans? Or did I want to forget so I could cling to the belief that we’re going to win in the end, despite all the disadvantages we have—small army, no support for it, no recognition by the consuls of Castavir, no allegiance from the Lords Governor of Balaen. Right now, I can’t convince myself we’re not going to lose.
Now I know Cederic’s going to live, I can write all of this down, hoping it will calm me further. He’s going to live, he’s been crowned Emperor, and the raving bastard who tried to kill him is dead, thanks to the soldier in Cederic’s retinue who kept his head while everyone else was screaming, me included.
I’m ashamed that my first reaction wasn’t to defend my husband, especially since I was standing right beside him and could just as easily have been that man’s target. My first reaction was confusion and shock; the man lunged out of the watching crowd with a knife in his hand and plunged it into Cederic’s chest before anyone could react, even Cederic.
That’s not true. Cederic had moved to put himself in front of me before the man struck, which is why the knife didn’t go through his heart, and when the man raised his hand for a second blow, I worked the walk-through-walls pouvra on the blade and it fell to the floor. After that, I was busy holding Cederic up and working the assassi the healing pouvrin on him, trying to stop the bleeding though I had no idea what I was looking at and getting blood all over my dress and my hands
I guess I’m not as calm as I thought. Soldiers tried to take him away from me and I screamed at them and clung to his arm until they pried me off and carried me away after him. They took us to the room beneath Marloen Hall we’d waited in for the ceremony to start. I kept trying to stop the bleeding, all the while terrified I was hurting him further by my lack of knowledge.
It took forever for someone to bring healers, and then the soldiers took me away again, but only as far as the other side of the room so we weren’t in the healers’ way. I swear when this is all over, I’m studying medicine. I felt so helpless, fumbling around and not knowing what to do, and if he’d died because I didn’t know how to use the pouvrin…I don’t think I could have lived with myself if that had happened.
Cederic was still unconscious when they finished, but the healers assured me he was going to recover fully and thanked me for what I’d done, saying I’d probably saved his life. Which was small comfort considering I felt I should have stopped the assassin before he’d gotten that far. If I’d been paying attention, I could have made him drop the knife before he got in the first blow. I could have burned him. I could have done any number of things—but I didn’t, and Cederic’s alive, and I need to stop blaming myself. I can’t stop blaming myself.
The soldiers took us away again, this time through a back passage where they’d brought one of those little man-powered carriages (I don’t know why they didn’t have a collenna) to take Cederic to the Firtha thanest for observation and possibly more healing if necessary. But it could only hold one person besides the driver.
That was when I broke down entirely. I have never felt so weak and helpless in my entire life, and I know I’ve never—that’s wrong, the last time I gave myself over completely to grief was when Bridie died and I wasn’t there for her. I couldn’t bear that they were taking Cederic away from me when I felt so deeply that I’d failed him. And the soldiers just stood there like they didn’t know what to do with a hysterical Empress-Consort, when their orders were to take the Emperor to safety. But Mattiak showed up—he’d come to tell me they’d confirmed the assassin was working alone—and he got angry, and in the end the soldiers found another little cart to take me to the Firtha thanest behind Cederic. I’ve never been so grateful to anyone in my life.
I meant to write down what happened at the coronation, but I can’t remember half of it when it was driven out of my mind by what happened afterward. I’m sure people were recording the event for history, so it’s not as if no one will know about it just because I didn’t write it. I know, because Sai Amaleten explained it to me, that the original coronation ceremony for the God-Emperors refers to what Castavir owes them, and the rewritten one emphasizes the role of the Emperor as he serves Castavir. I remember after Cederic was crowned, he had to crown me as well—I’m still not sure what my role is, beyond being married to the Emperor, but it sounded as if I were some kind of Emperor-adjunct. True God forbid it means I become Empress if Cederic
He’s not going to die. That’s just my fear talking.
15 Hantar, later
Cederic woke up. He seems perfectly fine, if weak from blood loss. He doesn’t remember anything after descending the stairs with me (he was attacked about halfway down the long aisle) and the first thing he asked when he woke up was whether I was all right. That made me cry again, but I stopped because it upset him. I held his hand and told him what happened, and he fell asleep in the middle of my explanation. The healers said that was perfectly normal.
15 Hantar, just after sunset
I had to change my clothes—my dress is ruined—and stand out in front of the Firtha thanest to assure the crowd that Cederic wasn’t dead. It seems there was quite a lot of unrest after he was carried out unconscious and covered in blood, and somebody started a rumor he’d been killed and it was a sign he didn’t have God’s blessing. And that got people talking about whether or not it was a good idea to support someone who wasn’t God as Emperor, since it had worked so well for them before.
When I heard about all this, I got angry. There were a lot of people gathered in front of the Firtha thanest, waiting for news, and when I came out they all started shouting questions, and so many of them sounded so…it was almost as if they were happy Cederic had been attacked, because it gave them something gruesome to talk about. That made me angrier. They probably wished I was still wearing the bloody dress.
So I summoned a great lash of fire to whip around over their heads, which made them shut up fast, and before they could start talking again, I made a speech in which I reminded them of all the evil things the God-Empress had done to them. Making them obey her whims. Punishing them when she changed her mind about what those whims were and didn’t tell anyone. Executing people for disobeying her. Having people killed for no reason.
I pointed out that Cederic had sworn an oath to protect them rather than treat them as his servants and that the God-Empress (I didn’t call her this to their faces because I’m not stupid) would never dream of doing anything like that. And I said if any of them wanted to challenge Cederic’s claim to the throne, they could take it up with me personally.
That was more than enough to disperse the crowd. I’m sure none of them wanted to argue with a foreign mage who wielded who knew what kind of powers, let alone their anointed and sworn Empress-Consort. They won’t be totally happy until Cederic can stand before them, but this should satisfy them for a few hours.
When I went back in, Cederic was awake again, more lucid this time, but still weak. He had some orange broth—I still don’t recognize half the foods they have in Castavir—and was able to talk to me and hear the story of what happened. I downplayed my hysterics, partly out of embarrassment and partly because I was afraid it would worry him, and he told me it wasn’t my fault he’d been nearly killed, at which point I said, “How would you know? You were unconscious and bleeding to death. It’s not as if you remember any of this.”
“Sesskia, you are strong and brave and selfless,” he said, “but you are not invincible. You could not see the future to know that man would attack me, and your reflexes are good, but you should not expect yourself to be perfect. And I understand your pouvrin saved my life. So if you wish to blame yourself, my love, you may do so, but I refuse to engage in that behavior with you.”
“Well, when you put it that way, you make me sound selfish in wanting to take all the blame,” I said. I felt more cheerful than I had all day.
“Yes, you should allow me my share of blame in not realizing the possibility of such an attack,” he said. “I knew already we do not have the full support of everyone in Colosse. Some will try to destroy us out of fear of what Renatha Torenz will do to them if we are defeated. Others will attack because they feel loyalty toward the madwoman as God. In either case, we are not entirely safe, and will not be until we leave Colosse. And even then we should expect these kinds of attacks to persist after we have defeated her.”
“That makes me tired,” I said.
Cederic set his bowl aside and lay back on his pillow. “Lie beside me,” he said, “and we will sleep together and give each other comfort.”
So I climbed into bed with him and held him until he fell asleep, then I got up to write all of this, and now I’m going back to bed. He’s right, it gives me comfort to be next to him, listening to him breathe and being very grateful he’s still able to do so.