11
Marcy’s loud laughter woke me hours later. It seemed to flow out of a dream. When I opened my eyes, I realized that I was still in my clothes. I was even still wearing my shoes. Both Marcy and Claudia came bursting in like runners charging the finish line. I glanced at the clock on my night table and saw they had just made curfew. Their faces looked flushed, but not from the cold night air.
“What’s with you? Did you fall asleep in your clothes?” Marcy asked, catching her breath and grimacing.
Claudia stood beside her, gazing down at me. They both had dumb smiles on their faces, and I could smell the scented cloud of alcohol floating around them. In fact, Marcy wobbled a bit.
I sat up straighter and rubbed my cheeks. “Yes, I guess I did,” I said.
“Have you been crying?” Marcy asked.
“Why do you ask that?”
“Your face looks blotchy, like tear-streaked or something.”
“No,” I said. “You two smell like a brewery or something,” I added, to quickly put them on the defensive.
“I told you chewing gum doesn’t make much difference,” Claudia told Marcy.
“I guess we’re lucky Platypus didn’t inspect us,” Marcy said. “The boys brought a little . . . what did you call it, Claudia? Libation? Claudia has a vocabulary I’d match against anyone here at Littlefield, even Mr. Edgewater.”
“They were drinking and driving?” I asked.
“Oh, Grandma, relax. Ben drove, and he didn’t drink.”
“I wouldn’t have gone in the car if he had,” Claudia said.
“But Rob was already a little high when they picked us up,” Marcy said, and laughed. “Both Claudia and I partook in the libation. We’re all going to Fun City tomorrow. Want to be a fifth wheel?”
“Fun City? What’s that?”
“An amusement park about an hour south of Carbondale. Ben suggested it. He comes from a little town nearby. So,” she said, flopping onto Claudia’s bed, “how was your institutional dinner? Anything exciting occur?”
The way she asked suggested she somehow knew already.
I looked from her to Claudia and back to her. Just like that, they had become closer friends? What happened to Claudia’s hang-ups? What happened to Marcy thinking Claudia was a lead weight, especially on a date?
“It was fine,” I said.
“Terri was practically waiting at the door for us,” Claudia revealed, hoping to keep me from denying anything and looking foolish, I’m sure.
“What did she say?”
“That you went off with Troy Matzner,” Claudia said.
“How could you go with Troy Matzner?” Marcy demanded, sobering quickly. “He’s such a snob he won’t even hang out with his own shadow.”
They both stared at me, anticipating my regrets.
“He’s just shy,” I said. “Misunderstood.”
Marcy’s eyes widened as her mouth opened.
Claudia nodded as if she always believed it.
“Just shy? With a head like he has? I think his family is the richest at Littlefield, and he lets everyone know it. How could he be shy and drive a red Jaguar convertible?” Marcy asked.
“He could be,” Claudia said. She looked like she was sobering up quickly. “Kaylee’s right. People are too quick to make judgments about others.”
It was clear to me from the way she glared at Marcy that Claudia was talking about how Marcy originally had perceived her. She went to her closet and began to undress.
“Whatever,” Marcy said. “Arrogant or shy, it couldn’t have been much fun being with him. The only thing you’d have to fight off is boredom. Speaking of which, where did he take you? To some foreign film or his favorite stop sign?”
“He took me for a nice ride past his family’s mansion and then for an ice cream sundae,” I said. “We had a very nice time.”
Claudia smiled, but Marcy shook her head in pity.
“Nice time? An ice cream sundae? That was the best he could do? How exciting, and what an expensive date. Is that why you were crying? I don’t blame you. I’m sure it was a big disappointment. If you would have listened to me and shown some interest in one of the other boys, you could have had a great time with us. First, we—”
“I said I wasn’t crying, but I am tired. You can give your blow-by-blow description of your good time tomorrow. I’m going to the bathroom to wash up and brush my teeth.” I rose and walked out.
“But I’m too juiced to go to sleep!” Marcy called after me. “It’s like leaving me on the brink of an orgasm!”
I kept walking. I felt like I had regressed to kindergarten. I had no tolerance for these games, these childish contests to see who was having a better social life. Drinking, getting high, all of it paled in comparison to the roller coaster I had lived through. And if one thing was certain, it was that I wasn’t eager to toy with dangers or irresponsibility.
Claudia joined me in the bathroom before I was finished. “I sent her back to her room,” she told me. “I’m sorry we were so boisterous.”
“That’s okay. I needed to be woken up to get to sleep.”
She laughed and then looked very serious. “I had a good time with Ben. He’s the shy one, not me. When we parked, he didn’t put his arm around me until I said I was cold.”
“You parked? You mean you guys went somewhere to make out in the car?”
“Sorta. I don’t know what Marcy and Rob did. I avoided looking, but we mostly talked and kissed, the kisses almost like putting periods to sentences,” she said. “As my father is fond of saying, ‘nothing to break out the champagne over.’ But I think Ben likes me, and I do like him.”
“I’m happy for you, Claudia. And I was telling the truth back there. I did have a good time, too.”
She smiled and started on her preparations for bed.
“See you in the room,” I said.
“Don’t worry. I’m tired, too. And I don’t want to go over the night like some sociology report,” she added. “Marcy will probably keep Terri up all night.”
“Probably,” I said.
Down the hall toward our room, Mrs. Rosewell was telling two other girls to lower their music. She stood in the doorway, giving them a lecture about the benefits of sleep.
“You girls are always so concerned about how you look. Well, don’t you know that not getting enough sleep will age you faster?” she warned them. She glanced at me as I went by.
“Good night, Mrs. Rosewell,” I said.
“Yes, good night. There’s a good girl,” she added for the benefit of the other two.
I hurried away. If there was one thing I didn’t want to become here, it was a touchstone for the best behavior. I remembered how cruel Haylee could be ripping apart one of the girls in our school who refused to smoke a joint, drink, or talk openly about sex. Eventually, most of the girls would treat Haylee’s target like a leper.
Curling up snugly in my bed, I thought about Troy. Something had made him extra cautious about whom he would share any personal or intimate things. In a way, he did remind me of myself. One thing was for sure. He had his secrets, and I had mine. Would that eventually drive us apart or bring us together?
“ ’Night,” Claudia said when she returned.
“ ’Night. I’m glad you had a good time.”
“Thank you. Actually, regardless of what Marcy wants to do, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m afraid to admit I had a good time to too many people, afraid that if I do, it will disappear.”
“One thing about good times, Claudia. They might end, but that doesn’t take away what you had. That stays with you. No matter what, don’t think you have to be as intense as Marcy. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, there’s always tomorrow.”
She didn’t answer. I thought she had fallen asleep, and then she suddenly said, “Marcy is right about you.”
“Oh? Right in what way?”
“Something has made you older and wiser.”
Now it was my turn not to answer. She sensed it and didn’t say another word. Sleep came not a moment too soon for her, probably because of the drinking, but it didn’t come quickly for me. Instead, I tossed and turned, worrying that I was too obvious after all. Restraint was all right, but filtering every word I said through a strainer to be sure nothing would lead to a dreaded question was making me stand out. For most girls my age, calling someone older and wiser was a euphemism for boring. At a place like this especially, you want to feel like you left your mother and father home and all the promises to behave and be responsible along with them. Feeling independent and a little reckless was exciting.
Perhaps I should start making things up, I thought. Maybe I could create another persona for myself. And then it hit me like a snowball in the face. I already had another persona built in: Haylee. I wouldn’t simply sit there like a mannequin when the other girls talked about their romances and experiences. I’d tell them what Haylee had done as if I had done it and take possession of it all. No one would call me Grandma then.
I snuggled with the plan, but then another voice spoke to me. If you do that, it will simply be another victory for your sister. She always wanted to turn you into her.
It was all so confusing, but why would it be anything else? I thought, and finally did fall asleep.
I was the first of the three of us up and dressed the following morning. When I rose, Claudia was still in a deep sleep. At the cafeteria, Terri told me Marcy was facedown, her arm dangling off the bed like the arm of a dead person.
“And she snored all night,” she said. “I never heard her do that!”
My first impulse was to tell her and the other girls who were laughing about it that actions have consequences. I was about to say that when I stopped myself and started to talk about the worst hangovers I’d ever had, even though I personally had little reference for that. Instead, I recalled Haylee the first time we had gone to a party, where she not only drank vodka but also smoked pot. She was alert enough to know Mother would pounce and ground us for months if she realized it, so she pretended to be sick from something she had eaten, and I went along with it for her, claiming my stomach was upset, too. It was good enough for Mother, who lectured us on being more cautious when eating other people’s food. Few, she said, would take the care to be sure whatever they made for us was nutritious and fresh.
Haylee slept until noon the next day. I tried to wake her, but she only groaned and chased me away. Consequently, I had to stay in bed as well, mimicking her symptoms. But it all worked, and she got away with it. She was right to predict that Mother would have forbidden us to go to another party, maybe even for the remainder of our school year, so I actually was lying for myself as well as Haylee. Afterward, as usual, Haylee made light of it all and complimented me on how well I went along with her plan. Fortunately, my father wasn’t there. He would have seen right through us. Mother was still living in that bubble where she could be quite convinced we would never do anything so dreadful.
Troy wasn’t in the cafeteria when I had gone in for breakfast, so I joined the girls. We had not made plans to meet, but I was hoping he would want me to join him. I was still worrying about my reaction to his attempt to kiss me good night. Would he have second thoughts and cancel our date tonight? Estelle Marcus noticed how I was watching the entrance. She nudged Jessie Paul, and they both smiled at me.
“What?” I asked, seeing their arrogant grins.
“You can stop waiting for him. Troy Matzner rarely comes to breakfast on weekends. He goes somewhere else,” Estelle said.
“Some diner, I heard,” Jessie said. “Didn’t he tell you that?”
“Our daily routines didn’t come up,” I said.
“What did?” Toby Dickens asked. Pounced, I should say.
I looked at the girls and the way they were all looking back at me, anticipating. Simply saying he had taken me to get an ice cream sundae obviously hadn’t impressed Marcy and wouldn’t impress these girls, either. I didn’t want to belittle our time together, but I suspected there wasn’t anyone here who would have enjoyed it.
“Now, Toby, I was brought up never to kiss and tell,” I said, with a wry smile that I saw lit each of them up with surprise, unleashing their own imaginations and fantasies. Haylee liked to tease our friends this way, too. She enjoyed toying with them, dangling the promise of some juicy sexual adventure.
“So you admit you kissed?” Estelle said.
“No one has gone on a date with him,” Toby said. “He’s good-looking, and he drives a cool car, but we all thought he might be . . .”
“Gay?”
“Whatever,” Jessie said.
“You can put that theory in the garbage,” I said. Then I gave them a Haylee Blossom Fitzgerald licentious smile. Surprise turned to fascination, just the way it would for Haylee.
“Did he take you to his house? I’ve seen the mansion from the road,” Kim Bailey said.
“How come he brought you back so early?” Terri asked suspiciously.
“She was gone long enough to have a good time,” Jessie told her.
“My mother told me the quiet ones are the ones to watch closely,” Kim offered.
“How does he compare?” Toby asked, now growing more excited. “On a scale of one to ten?”
I sat back, thinking. Some of them were actually holding their breath. My instincts told me none of them was as experienced as they made themselves out to be. One thing was for sure, I thought: none of them would have lasted two days in Anthony Cabot’s basement, not that it was an accomplishment I wanted to advertise. I widened my smile. I could see Haylee across from me, her eyes full of impish delight and sisterly pride, too.
“You don’t judge someone on the first date,” I declared, in the tone of someone who had vast romantic experience. “And besides, my mother told me,” I said, leaning toward Kim, “that those who talk about it are usually full of what makes the grass grow greener.”
Their faces collectively looked like a balloon losing air quickly.
Then Terri, who was a little smarter than the others, brightened with a thought. “Are you going to see him again?” she asked.
“Tonight,” I said casually. “Which reminds me. I should get on that paper for Mr. Edgewater. See you in the library, maybe.” I rose with my tray.
“On Saturday?” Jessie asked.
I shrugged. “As you all surely know, you never know how you’ll be the day after,” I said.
They all looked at a loss for words. I smiled, turned, and walked away. I knew it was crazy, but I imagined Haylee walking beside me and saying, “Very nice, sister dear.”
Yes, she’d be proud of me, but flowing beneath that would be the rich green stream of jealousy. You can learn from me, she’d think, but don’t imagine you can get better at it than I am.
Back at the dorm, Marcy and Claudia were sipping what would be their only breakfast, some coffee they got from the machine in our lounge. They had just risen and were both in bathrobes. Marcy had come into our room and was sitting on my bed, looking pale, her eyes still bloodshot.
“ ’Morning,” Claudia said.
“Is it really morning?” Marcy asked.
“I can’t imagine either of you having the energy to go to a fun park or anything,” I said.
“A shower is all we need,” Marcy insisted, and then closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “So what are you going to do today?”
“Work on the paper for Edgewater, and then Troy is taking me to have pizza and see a movie.” I looked at Claudia. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said. “Oh. Your cell phone went off, but I didn’t answer it.”
“Thanks.”
I looked at it and saw there was a call from my father. I put the phone in my bag.
“Why don’t you get hold of Troy?” Marcy asked, some life coming back into her face. “You two could come with us.”
“I’m fine, thanks. I don’t want to leave this paper for tomorrow. We’ve got a lot of math and science, too.”
“She’s right,” Claudia said. “We’re not going to have another night like last night.”
“Don’t you become Grandma, too,” Marcy warned. “I’m going to take a twenty-minute shower. We should dress warmly, Claudia. Terri the weather girl predicted the possibility of snow showers.”
“I’ll be right behind you,” Claudia said.
I gathered the things I needed for the library.
“I hope you have a better time tonight,” Marcy told me.
I realized Terri would be talking to her soon.
“Listen,” I said. “I wasn’t in the mood to be talkative last night, but I had a very good time. The sundae was just dessert.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Figure it out,” I said, and walked out.
“You’d better tell me what that means!” Marcy shouted after me.
I kept walking. When I was outside, I went to one of the benches along the pathway to the library and called my father back. He answered quickly, which told me he hadn’t called just to see how I was doing.
“I’m sorry I missed your call, Daddy. I left the phone in the room when I went to breakfast. Is anything wrong? Mother all right?”
“She’s fine. Nothing has changed there yet, but it might soon.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Dr. Alexander has approved Haylee going home for Thanksgiving,” he said.
“You mean she’ll be there when I’m there?” I asked. I was actually trembling.
“It’s part of what Dr. Alexander describes as taking baby steps toward a full recuperation, but Dr. Alexander wants to see you first before she puts her stamp of approval on the idea,” my father said. “I told you I didn’t want you ever to speak with her after she treated you like the bad one last time, but I’ll tell her whatever you want anyway, Kaylee. Just think about it and let me know.”
“When would I see her?”
“I’d bring you to her home office the weekend before Thanksgiving. Don’t answer now. Think about it.”
“Okay, Daddy.”
“How are you doing there?”
“I like my teachers.” I hesitated, and then I told him, “I became friendly with a boy who took me to have an ice cream sundae last night after dinner.”
“Oh?”
“He’s taking me for pizza and a movie tonight.”
“That’s very good, Kaylee. What’s he like?”
“He’s very good-looking and an honor student, but . . .”
“But what?”
“He’s sort of a loner. The other girls think he’s arrogant because his family is wealthy.”
“What do you think?”
“I think . . . I think I have to get to know him a little more,” I said. That seemed safe enough.
“That sounds very intelligent and mature of you, Kaylee.”
“Maybe I’m just frightened, Daddy.”
“You’ll figure it out. Call me whenever you want, although I’m not the best authority when it comes to relationships.”
“Yes, you are,” I insisted. “ ’Bye, Daddy. I’ve got to go to the library.”
“I’ll call you after the weekend, okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
I sat there for a few moments to let what my father had told me settle inside me. Haylee home for Thanksgiving? What would that be like? Would she gloat about how successful she was at deceiving Dr. Alexander and the staff at the institution? Would she continue to be unremorseful, even daring to ask me to give her the details of my abduction as if it were only an adventure?
On the other hand, what if she had changed? What if she begged for my forgiveness, using the spirit of the holiday and family to pressure me? Could she really believe I would simply shrug it all off? Oh, well, you didn’t really mean to get rid of me?
And what about Mother? Whose side would she favor? Would she also try to persuade me to be forgiving and return the family to what it had been? Would I want to return to that? Would my resistance drive Mother back to the psych ward, and would everyone blame me?
Or would we all sit around the table and pretend nothing had happened? Not a word would be said, not a reference would be made to my abduction and Haylee’s role in arranging it. Haylee would come into my room just as she used to and ask me questions about my new school, my new friends, and any boys I liked. She’d pepper me with questions just to keep me from saying or asking a single thing about what she had done. At the end, she might even kiss me good night and expect me to kiss her as well, just as we always had.
My father had clearly indicated that I might still stop all this. Dr. Alexander wanted something from me to convince her it would be all right to permit Haylee to go home for Thanksgiving. If I refused even to meet with her, that might be enough, but then how would I look, especially to Mother if she found out? Once again, Haylee would win. I could even imagine her gloating. She had proven I was worse. She was willing to try to redeem herself, but I wouldn’t let it happen.
I rose and walked slowly toward the library. It did look like there would be at least snow showers today. The sky was almost completely overcast, and there was more of a chill in the air. Maybe the chill was really coming from inside me. I quickened my pace.
Right now, all I wanted to do was lose myself in my schoolwork and forget that I even had a family, not to mention Thanksgiving. After all, the things I’d be thankful for would give most girls my age endless nightmares.