13
I could feel how shaken up Troy was. The air was that electric between us. The sound of my cry probably was echoing as loudly in his ears as it was in mine. Tears burned my cheeks. Gradually, the visions of terror receded and fell back into that dark place that was behind a door I had hoped was permanently sealed after all the therapy and the passage of time. The depth and intensity of my emotional wounds surprised me. I was ashamed and frightened again. All I wanted to do was curl up in a fetal position in some dark corner and disappear like Mother in the safety of her shadows.
“I’m . . . sorry,” Troy said, although he had no idea why he had to say it. A little indignation stirred his pride when I didn’t respond. “I thought we liked each other enough for a kiss.”
“I do like you. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault,” I said, and wiped away the lingering tears. “I’m not . . . right yet. I shouldn’t have gone out with you and given you reason to believe I was. Just take me back, Troy. I’m sorry. Really. Please.”
He started the car and carefully turned it around. I curled up against the door.
“We’re both not right yet,” he said after a long silence. “But we’ve got to try, or at least want to try.”
We were back on a road lit with streetlights and the windows of homes, but I didn’t feel any less tense. The resurgence of the danger and pain I had suffered swirled about me like rings of fog. His words only resurrected the hours and hours of therapy and that repetitive warning my therapist practically chanted: You’ve got to try.
Of course, I had to try; I wanted to try to behave normally, to welcome affection, to trust someone enough to risk being disappointed, but all of it was as hard as walking up a hill made of ice. Right now, I wasn’t in the mood to measure Troy’s or anyone else’s pain against mine.
“I’m not going to play ‘you tell me your bad story and I tell you mine,’ ” I said. “I’m sorry.”
I was really beginning to hate that word sorry, but I didn’t know what would work better. I knew I sounded mean and angry, but right now, I couldn’t find any other appropriate response. I was angrier at myself than I was at him for what had just happened, but I didn’t think he’d understand the reasons, and I had no idea how to begin explaining.
The silence that followed felt like a widening dark crevice. I could see he was thinking long and hard. When he didn’t speak, I concluded that this was it; my short-lived budding romance was over. I began to prepare myself for the myriad questions that would be tossed over me like a fisherman’s net back at the dorm. Eventually, it would bring in the big catch, my recent history, and I would have to leave Littlefield, leave with the question of what was a good alternative now. Maybe I should join the army or the Peace Corps and go live in some third world country where no one would care who I was and what had happened to me.
“You don’t have to tell me yours,” Troy finally said through clenched teeth.
I didn’t blame him for saying it. He had every right to be upset with me. “I understand how you feel,” I said. I tried not to sound magnanimous. That would only make someone with his pride and ego angrier, but it was difficult not to sound like that.
“No, you don’t understand,” he said. He finally turned to look at me. “I lied to you that first night we met.”
“What? What are you talking about? What lie?”
“When you had come outside to speak with your father, and I told you I was just taking my usual walk. I wasn’t. I was actually hoping to see you, and when you came out, I lay back in the shadows listening, because I thought you might be talking to a boyfriend. I heard most of what you said.”
The chill that had come over me turned into a surge of heat before it finished climbing up my neck. I was speechless, trying to remember what details I had revealed during that phone call. At a minimum, he certainly knew I had a sister.
“I heard enough to be more interested, and then I did some research on the Internet and found your story.”
I didn’t know whether to be angry or frightened. Perhaps I would be both. His confession churned up reasons for both.
“Don’t worry about it,” he quickly said. “I wouldn’t tell anyone anything, especially at school.”
I stared ahead silently. What was his next comment going to be? Would it be blackmail?
“Frankly, despite what happened back there just now, after reading about you, I anticipated you would be worse. For one thing, I didn’t expect that you would go out with me so soon. Because of that, I assumed you had made more progress recuperating from it all.”
“You should have told me,” I said. “You shouldn’t have lied.”
“I was afraid to once I had done it. I didn’t want to drive you away so quickly. I was selfish, and I was wrong, but I wasn’t lying when I said we were birds of a feather. I wasn’t abducted or raped or anything like that,” he added quickly. “But you were right when you recognized that I had my secrets, too.”
“I don’t think I want to hear about them,” I said petulantly.
“No. I don’t blame you. Ironically, I’ve destroyed exactly what I was trying to win, your trust.”
“Yes, you have,” I said.
He sat back to drive and was quiet all the way back to Littlefield. When he pulled into my dorm parking lot, I told him not to bother getting out to open my door. He reached for my arm when I opened it.
“I meant everything else I said to you, Kaylee. You’re not different simply because of what happened to you. You’d be head and shoulders above the other girls no matter what. I really like you, and I was wrong to lie to you. I know you feel . . .”
“Betrayed and embarrassed,” I said. “Thanks for adding all that to the load I carry, but oh, thank you for the pizza, too.”
“Kaylee,” he said, but I shut the door before he could continue, and I didn’t look back.
And thank you again, too, Haylee, I thought as I walked away. Your actions will ripple into eternity.
The dorm was quiet when I entered a good two hours earlier than our curfew on a Saturday night. I practically tiptoed to my and Claudia’s room. Thankfully, she and Marcy were still out. I managed to get myself ready for bed without seeing any of the other girls. When I got into bed, I sat up with my arms folded across my breasts and thought about everything.
No, I thought, now defiant and raging with fury. I wouldn’t do what my father wanted and agree to see Haylee’s psychiatrist. I didn’t for one moment believe what my father believed or hoped, that she was finally regretful and repentant. She was still conniving to get her way; she always would be. I won’t stop hating her; I won’t.
Thinking and even saying it aloud made me feel better, but only for a little while. Hating Haylee now was easy. Forgiving her was difficult, and loving her again seemed nearly impossible, despite what I had told Dr. Alexander. However, the realization did nothing to cheer me up or relieve any of the pain. I only fell into a deeper funk. I was tired of hating myself because of what I had become and even more tired of trying not to.
I glanced across the room at Claudia’s dresser. I knew what she had put under her neatly folded socks in that drawer after she and Marcy had returned from their double date. I had pretended not to notice when they giggled and Marcy passed it to her, urging her to hide it.
I rose slowly, moving like someone in a trance, and opened her dresser drawer. I felt under the socks and found the packet of Ecstasy. After I took one pill out, I put it all back as neatly as I could and closed the drawer. I held the pill in my palm for a few moments and debated with myself. I could be expelled for this, and what a mess that would create. It would reinforce the belief that I was contaminated, that I had been so violated there was no possibility of any recuperation.
But I couldn’t stand this disappointment and depression that made me feel like I had swallowed dark shadows. Taking one of these pills was definitely something Haylee would do, but I wasn’t going to get to sleep anyway, and if there was one thing I didn’t want the moment the girls returned, it was the two of them seeing me upset. I just wasn’t ready to answer questions. I’d never be ready.
I downed the pill with the glass of water on my night table and returned to bed, sitting up just the way I had been. I remained there, defiantly expecting relief, waiting and watching the clock. I felt no different after ten minutes and only a lot more restless after twenty. This was disappointing. It wasn’t changing my mood the way others my age had claimed it did and the way I had seen it change Haylee’s. Probably a weak dose, I thought, and rose quickly to return to Claudia’s drawer. I took out the packet and plucked another pill, not putting it back as neatly as I had previously. I didn’t even close the drawer all the way, but I didn’t notice at first and then thought, what difference did it make? No one was going to complain about my stealing her pills.
I swallowed the second one and went back to my position on the bed. I was starting to feel warmer. I was even sweating a little. I couldn’t continue simply to sit. I got up and began walking about the room. I paused when I thought there was someone at the window. It was Troy, I decided. He’d come back to spy on me or something. I rushed to the window and threw it open. The cold air was like a splash of ice water over my face and breasts. Nevertheless, I leaned out and looked left and right.
“Are you out here in the shadows again?” I screamed. “Listening for another phone call?”
I saw a car pull up to the dorm. The headlights washed the side of the building. There wasn’t anyone standing there. I heard laughter coming from the car and quickly stepped back and shut the window. Shortly after, there was noise in the hallway and more laughter, Marcy’s laughter. I went to the door to listen and heard Mrs. Rosewell telling them to be quieter.
“There are girls who didn’t go out and are asleep,” she said. “We must respect others, or they won’t respect us.”
Nothing could sound sillier to me at the moment. Respect others, or they won’t respect us? I opened the door and leaned out.
“Will you stop being so quiet!” I screamed. Marcy and Claudia froze. Mrs. Rosewell gaped at me. “Sorry,” I said. “I was trying to stay awake.”
Marcy’s face practically exploded with laughter, and the two of them hurried down the hall, promising Mrs. Rosewell that they would be quiet, we’d all be quiet. She remained there watching suspiciously. Marcy pushed me back, and Claudia followed, closing the door behind her.
I started to laugh again and slapped my palms over my face to muffle the sound. The expressions on their faces made me laugh harder.
“What’s going on?” Marcy asked. She brightened with the realization. “What are you on?”
“On? On the earth,” I said.
Everything I said and everything they did made me laugh. The two of them practically smothered me and forced me back onto my bed.
“Check it out,” Marcy told Claudia.
Claudia opened the door slightly and peered out.
“She’s gone,” she said.
“Great. Kaylee, what did you take? What’s going on? And don’t start laughing.”
“He was in the shadows,” I said.
“What? Who?”
“Never mind. Never mind anything. Never.”
Claudia’s suspicious eyes turned from me, and her gaze went to her dresser.
“She was in our Ecstasy,” she announced, and rushed over to the drawer. She held up the packet for Marcy to see.
“You? You took Ecstasy now? Why now? You’re supposed to take it when you go out, stupid, not when you’re going to sleep. Oh, pickles,” she moaned. “When did you take it? How many?”
Claudia had emptied the packet onto her bed and counted the pills. “She took two,” she declared.
“When, Kaylee?” Marcy shook me, but that only made me laugh.
“You’re tickling me,” I said.
“Where’s her robe?”
Claudia found it, and they got me into it. Claudia opened the door slightly again and looked back at us. Marcy had her arm firmly around my waist. Claudia nodded, and they both rushed me out and to the bathroom. Once there, Marcy brought me to a toilet and then stuck her fingers in my mouth. I gagged and wiggled to get free, but they were both holding on to me now, and Marcy pinched my face with her fingers and the thumb of her left hand so that I kept my mouth open while she pressed the fingers of her right hand over my tongue. I gagged and struggled, but she kept it up until I started to vomit. Vomiting made me vomit more and more, until I practically collapsed on the floor.
“You idiot,” Marcy said. “Why did you do this? You could have gotten us all in big trouble, Kaylee. We don’t do that in the dorm. The Iron Lady would throw us out for sure.”
I wasn’t listening now. I was feeling sick and even chilly. Claudia checked the hallways again, and they practically carried me back to our room and got me into bed. My skin felt like it was on fire. I tried to get up, but they held me down.
“You’re going to feel like hell tomorrow,” Marcy predicted when I started to laugh again. She made me drink some water, and then they loosened their grips on me, but sat beside me on my bed.
“What should we do?” Claudia asked.
“What do you think? We’ll take turns keeping her in bed. Two of those aren’t that much.”
“According to Rob, that is. He’s not exactly a good source of information, Marcy.”
“Let’s hope he is this time,” she said.
I listened to them both, moving my head from one to the other in short, exaggerated motions that eventually made them both laugh.
“How are we going to keep her quiet?” Claudia asked.
“I could lie over her,” Marcy facetiously suggested, “and smother her.”
Suddenly, I felt achy and tired and closed my eyes. My body relaxed.
“The vomiting helped,” I heard Claudia say.
“I’ll go get out of my clothes and come back,” Marcy told her. “Stay right beside her.”
I had short stabs of energy for a while and laughed, but then my head began to ache, and I closed my eyes.
“Watch the window,” I told Claudia. “He’s out there.”
“Who?”
“Secrets,” I said. Then I laughed, closed my eyes, and drifted off, but not for long. Marcy was back when I woke again and sat next to me for a while before lying down beside me. Claudia went to the bathroom, returned, and got into her pajamas, too. The three of us eventually all fell asleep on my bed, Claudia sprawled across the bottom and Marcy curled up at my side. Sometime during the night, Claudia went to sleep in her own bed. I woke many times, but I did not get up. I couldn’t remember why Marcy was there, but I chose to fall back asleep rather than think about it.
When I woke again, Marcy was dressed in jeans and a school sweater, sipping a cup of coffee and looking down at me. Claudia was still asleep.
“Here,” Marcy said. “Drink a little of this.”
I groaned, sat up, and sipped. I thought it tasted putrid.
“This is going to feel like the worst day of your life,” she predicted.
I shook my head. “I’ve already had that day,” I said.
But she was right. My mood swings went from episodes of energy to dark depression. I had no appetite and ate a minuscule amount for breakfast. Once Claudia was up, she and Marcy took turns watching me take short naps and then keeping me from going out to run across campus every time I threatened to do so. I felt that energetic at times. Finally, late in the afternoon, I began to settle down.
Marcy brought me some oatmeal and toast and more coffee.
“You should take a good long shower now,” she advised. “You’ll sleep tonight.”
“Thanks.” I ate most of what she brought.
Claudia returned and shook her head when Marcy looked to her with some expectation. She had gone out to see if anyone knew anything about what I had done the night before, I thought. They were careful not to attract any attention. Most of the girls were busy doing their homework anyway.
“What happened, Kaylee? Why did you come back here and take the Ecstasy? Did something bad happen between you and Troy Matzner?” Marcy asked.
“I don’t remember. Troy who?”
She looked at Claudia. “Okay. I warned you about him, Kaylee. I’m not surprised.”
“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread,” I muttered.
“What?”
“She’s quoting Alexander Pope again,” Claudia said.
“Great.” Marcy’s eyes widened with a new thought. “Did you do all the science and history homework before you went out with him?”
“Yes,” I said.
She smiled. “At least something went right yesterday.”
I wanted to laugh but closed my eyes instead. After another nap, I rose, took the long shower Marcy had prescribed, and tried to get myself organized for tomorrow’s classes. The prospect of going to dinner still seemed enormous. Claudia told me she would bring back a sandwich and a drink for me.
“We’ll tell everyone something you ate for dinner last night upset your stomach. Don’t worry about it.”
“Thanks.”
I tried to do a little reading, but my eyes were just too heavy, and the words seemed to liquefy on the page, running into one another. How long would this last? I wondered. And why would anyone want to go through it?
I did eat the entire sandwich Claudia brought me. She sat watching me and then described her and Marcy’s date at Fun City and afterward and how much more she liked Ben. I couldn’t help thinking that I had concluded too quickly that she was going to be the loser here and I would have to work at keeping her stable and happy. The irony of the reversed roles wasn’t lost on me, and from the way Marcy talked about their good time, it wasn’t lost on her, either.
They repeatedly tried to get me to tell them about my date, but I just said it was okay and refused to give them any details. Claudia said Troy wasn’t in the cafeteria for dinner.
“At least tell us if you’re going to see him again,” Marcy pleaded.
“I’ll see him,” I said.
“What’s that mean?”
“Let’s just leave it at that,” I said.
They looked at each other, shrugged, and went on to talk about their date and their boyfriends.
Maybe this was my fate, I thought, to listen to everyone else’s good time and think about happiness the way we thought about a distant star. It looked beautiful, but you could do nothing more than gaze at it and dream.
I did see Troy the next day, of course. He didn’t come to breakfast, but I saw him in the halls and classrooms. He avoided looking at me, and I avoided looking at him. Both Claudia and Marcy picked up the negative vibes.
“If you don’t tell us what happened, I’ll ask him,” Marcy threatened at lunch.
I was confident he would say nothing. He sat alone at his usual table and read, avoiding conversations with anyone. As usual, no one seemed to care. Strangely, I felt sorry for him. I had a right to be angry, but that didn’t mean I was totally disinterested in him and what were the secrets that gave him the idea he and I were birds of a feather.
For a few seconds at the end of the day, I caught him looking at me before he started for his dorm. I looked away quickly, and when I looked back, he was walking with his head down. I had the urge to run after him and almost did when Marcy came up behind me.
“You can’t keep secrets forever,” she warned. “Especially here.”
My worst fear was that she was right.
“Thanks for helping me Saturday night,” I replied.
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t entirely unselfish. I told Rob, and he admitted the pills were stronger doses than he first described. Both he and Ben were terrified you’d do or say something.”
“I doubt that, but you’re crazy to play roulette with drugs, Marcy. Eventually, you’ll make a mistake like I did, and a lot of people will suffer. I know that sounds goody-goody, but that’s what reality is, goody-goody.”
She was silent. I glanced back and saw that Troy had gotten into his car and was driving away, probably for one of his frequent solo rides accompanied only by loneliness.
Just before dinner, my father called. I was alone, so I took it in our room.
“Hey, sweetheart, how are you doing?”
“Okay,” I said, hoping he wasn’t as perceptive as Mother, who could pick up an irregular note in our voices and pounce with questions.
“Good. So have you given thought to what I told you? We could come up Saturday. It’s the weekend before your Thanksgiving break, and we’ll take you to see Dr. Alexander. She’ll see you on Saturday at her home office, like I said.”
“We?”
“I’ll bring Dana along to meet you. She’s very excited about it. Before you ask, she knows why I’m coming to get you, so there’ll be no awkward moments.”
“Of course there will. For me,” I said. He was quiet. “But I’ll get over it,” I said.
“Dana’s very bright, sensitive, and compassionate.”
“I don’t know, Daddy. I don’t know if I’m ready for this . . . Haylee coming home.”
“Well, as I told you, that’s part of what Dr. Alexander wants to know. If anything, she doesn’t want to create new problems or set back the progress both you and Haylee are making.”
“Progress,” I said. He was quiet again. I was tempted to tell him how terrible my first date since my abduction had gone and how much it had reinforced my rage, but he would probably tell me that was more reason to want to see Dr. Alexander. Who else could better understand?
Maybe that was true. Maybe I’d only be hurting myself by refusing to go along with the plan.
“I know this is hard,” he said, “but . . .”
“I’ll go,” I said. “What time will you be here?”
“Is ten too early? You, Dana, and I can have a little lunch before you visit with Dr. Alexander.”
“No, that’s fine.”
“Great. We’ll see you then,” he said. I didn’t miss the way he said we. There was a new we in his life. Would there ever be one in mine?
I dove into my homework. Both Marcy and Claudia had remained at school to watch Rob and Ben at basketball practice. They grew bored with it after a while and returned to the dorm. I knew they were not going to give up on finding out what exactly happened between Troy Matzner and me. I began to dream up some possible scenarios that would satisfy them, but everything was so false, and I had this unexplainable need not to denigrate him. I was still quite angry about his spying on me and deceiving me, but he wasn’t wrong about calling us birds of a feather. Something had brought him great emotional pain, so great that, like what happened to me, it had changed his life, changed the way he saw the world, and changed whatever dreams he had for his future.
Maybe it was time not to think first of myself, I thought. Maybe that was the only door out of the darkness.
I wondered if he would come to the cafeteria for dinner or stay on his drive and stop at one of his out-of-the-way discoveries. On our way over, I couldn’t help but be very nervous. I did my best to hide it, expecting that it would only revive Claudia and Marcy’s curiosity about my Saturday night.
When we first entered, Troy wasn’t there. Despite all I had gone through, I was disappointed. We got our food and sat with the other girls, who were still giving reviews of their weekends. I kept anticipating questions about mine, but Marcy or Claudia had probably warned them not to ask anything. I was nearly finished with my meal when Troy came in, got his food, and went to his usual table. He sat, opened a book, and began eating without looking my way. I could feel everyone’s attention on me.
Suddenly, I lost the little appetite I had. My stomach was still sore from the roller-coaster ride I had given it. I stopped eating and sat back.
“You all right?” Kim asked.
“Yes. I shouldn’t have eaten such a big lunch,” I said. Nobody believed it. “I think I’m just nervous about the science test, too.” I looked at Claudia. “See you back in the dorm,” I told her, and stood with my tray. No one spoke.
I avoided their eyes and walked off to place my dishes, glass, and silverware in the return bins. While I was doing that, I glanced at Troy. He was looking up now, looking at me. I saw more than apology in his face. I saw deep regret and sadness. For a moment, it was as if there was no one else in the cafeteria. The clamor and chatter were gone. I started toward him, running solely on instincts and avoiding any warnings or logic. He sat back, anticipating more rage.
“I’m not apologizing. I was hurt,” I said. “But I was wrong to get involved with you, with anyone, so soon. That was unfair. I share some of the blame. I shouldn’t have used you like that, like some sort of test.”
Before he could respond, I turned and walked away. I heard him call to me, but I didn’t stop walking. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my girlfriends all watching, frozen with fascination. It made me walk faster.
When I stepped outside, I felt like running to the safety of our dorm room, sheltering myself with science information to study, and avoiding thoughts about anything else. I was well on my way before he caught up with me. He put his hand on my shoulder, and I stopped and turned to him.
“Why do you think I kept your secret and wanted to be with you anyway, knowing how hard it could be? I really believed the pain we shared would be a bridge bringing us back to the so-called normal world. Together.”
“Maybe it would be too much like therapy for both of us,” I said. “I’ve had enough of that.”
“I haven’t had any, formally, but I doubt any therapist you could have would feel what I feel for you. It’s worth the risk,” he said. “At least, I think so.”
I looked toward the dorm. Walk away, a voice inside me was saying. Don’t listen to him.
I was going to do just that, but another voice said, That’s the Haylee in you talking. Don’t listen to her. She doesn’t want you coming up for air.
“Take me for a ride,” I said.
Troy smiled and reached for my hand. “Sure. Where?”
“I want to see those lights and stars again.”