XANDER SAT ON THE END OF MY HOSPITAL BED. ‘How’s the pain?’

‘I’ll cope.’ I gave him a fake smile.

Xander gazed into my eyes and a sadness fell over his beautiful face. ‘You could’ve died with your grandmother.’

‘I had it sorted. I was anchored on the ledge.’

‘And dislocated your shoulder and did major damage to muscle and ligaments that only surgery could fix!’

‘Better that than the other alternative.’ I shuddered.

‘Absolutely.’

‘Thanks for saving us. You placed yourself in a danger, too.’

‘I had it sorted. I was anchored on the ledge,’ he said, and raised an eyebrow at me.

‘How’s Gram?’ I clenched my teeth together as a wave of pain hit me.

‘She’s had gentamicin injected into her middle ear, in the hope that it stops the vertigo. There's other treatment options, but she chose to try the gentamicin. She’s also having counselling and has a support system in place. You’re on her support team.’

‘Good,’ I said and pressed the button for a morphine fix. I looked up at Xander, and sighed when the medication took effect. The last thing I saw was Xander’s blue eyes gazing into mine, emitting that light I so wanted to sample.

*~*~*~*~*

‘Are you sure you’re ready to tell me what happened on that day?’ Dr Jones asked.

I was lying on the couch facing away from her. That way I wouldn’t see her reaction to the story I was about to entrust to her. Not that she ever showed reactions to anything I said. But today, I needed to tell someone the entire story, not the censored, edited one, that six other people knew, who reacted with a sense of terror—bulging eyes and a stiffened body, followed by tears and reaching out to hold me.

I sipped on the tea she had served me today. It was divine. I think she added a dose of courage to it. ‘I’ll never be ready. But keeping it inside is like being self-destructive.’

‘Yolande, you can either tell the story in first person, or third, like you are detached from the situation and looking on. Which do you think you will use?’

‘First person. I need to express what I was feeling through the entire event.’

‘Good. When you’re ready ...’

I took another sip of the tea and placed the cup back onto the saucer, the clink of the china sounding too loud. I lay back on the couch and placed my hands on my stomach, my fingers entwined, then knotting together. I looked up at the ceiling and watched the shadows of plants dance on the ceiling, like they were celebrating a moment of significance.

I took a deep, shaky breath.

‘Mia was a party girl. She loved the music, the drinks, the laughter, the dancing ... she loved flirting with men, taking it as far as she could go without any intimacy. She’s my best friend and I love her for eternity. I was always her anchor. When she went too far, riding on the moment, I would pull her back in, saving her from embarrassment, or regret.’

I took another sip of tea. Of courage.

‘On that day we were at a party. A day party, which was unusual. Two men walked into the party premises, unknown to the birthday boy. They were the colour blue, a safe colour. They were good looking men. Buffed and full of self-confidence. A magnet for Mia ... she found them at once and started flirting with them while I watched from the distance, unsure about their type, that intuition type of feeling. But Mia was having a ball.’

I cleared my throat.

‘The one named Jack, put his arm around Mia’s shoulders and led her outside. His mate, Johnno, followed. And so I followed from a safe distance behind. When Mia got into a car with them, I ran up to her and opened her door.

“Mia, I have something insane to show you!” I grabbed her hand to pull her out of the car, to stop her from making a mistake.

‘But Johnno was behind me. I could smell the stench of the liquor he'd been drinking. He gave me a firm shove and I landed across Mia’s lap in the back seat. I heard and felt the car door shut. And then another door closed. But by the time I had raised myself up, Jack was driving the car away from the party.

‘“Where are we going?” I asked, taking note of the scenery around us, and looking for a moment of slow speed where Mia and I could jump out of the moving car. Their colour was no longer blue. It had become red, bright red: danger.

“Up to the outlook to watch the sunset. It’s amazing at this time of the year.”

‘My heart slowed down a little. There would be heaps of people at the outlook watching the view. It would be okay.

‘But the outlook was different to the one I knew. Jack had to follow a bumpy, rugged, off-road track to get there. When he stopped the engine, he turned to us. “This is the real party, girls!”

‘Jack and Johnno got out of the car. They gripped our wrists and pulled us out of the back seat. They pushed us down onto the grass and laughed. I kept my eyes on them. We had to run.

‘Jack pulled out a bag of white powder from his pocket and snorted it, then handed it to Johnno, who did the same. In an instant, their unlikeable demeanour became surly and repulsive ...’

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t say anymore of the events out loud. It was like a black monster growing larger inside me with every word I spoke. And it scared me. I didn’t want to unleash it. Not yet. Not today. I closed my eyes and brushed my shaking hand over my forehead and up into my hair.

‘That’s all I can tell you right now, Dr Jones,’ I lied. I wouldn’t be telling her, or anyone the entire event that changed my life on that terrible day of the scars.

‘Thank you for trusting me to share a part of your difficult story, Yolande. If you’d like to tell me more, I’m here when you are ready.’

I turned and faced her. ‘I will. Thanks,’ I said with a calm voice that betrayed the turmoil inside of me. I wanted to run out the door, and never return.

I stood and brushed my sweaty hands down my jeans.

Dr Jones stood a moment after me. ‘You need to talk to Mia.’

I nodded my head. If she had told me once, she had told me a thousand times. I took six long strides and I was out of her office.

For good.