CHAPTER 18

More Than Coffee

 

 

‘Are you sure?’

Cass took a deep breath. She would let her senses guide her – the mulled wine had effectively silenced her inner voice of caution - and it felt right that they were here together, safe from the storm. It felt more than right, it felt exciting; she wanted him to be here with her.

‘I’m sure. Come in.’ She stumbled into the dark living room, bumping into the hard, wooden corner of the sofa. She brought two of the candlesticks through from the kitchen, lighting them on the table so that their flickering flames lit the room and she could see his face. He looked unusually thoughtful as he sat down on the sofa and she tossed the spent match into the embers of the fire where it flared for a moment.

In Cass’s head the thoughts whirled around, spinning on a mixture of alcohol and excitement. What was she doing? What should she do next if she wanted to take things further with him? Should she make the first move or should she wait for him? She was so woefully inexperienced with men - with men like Hal. She knew how to say no, of course. She had long years of experience of telling boyfriends when to stop, but how did one go about telling someone that you did want to … to be with him … without coming across as either needy or desperate?

It wasn’t as if she was totally inexperienced. At university she had fallen in love with Liam and they had done things together. She had helped him to find a certain kind of pleasure and he had tempted her to the edge of sin, but she had never let him enter her, no matter how persistent he was in his attempts at persuasion, so determined was she to live up to the ideals of a Christian life like her father before her. She had never allowed herself to find any pleasure in it, even when Liam had skilfully used his fingers and his tongue to tempt her towards unexpectedly desirable sensations, she had always made him stop, because it was what God would want her to do - or rather, not to do.  That fulfilment was to be saved for their wedding night when she would finally understand the true bliss of physical love; that’s how she put it to Liam. In the end, he couldn’t take the waiting any longer, nor the expectations of marriage.

With James, she thought it was time. She was over thirty by then, more mature, more sensible, more in touch with her own needs and desires and engaged to a man who understood and shared her vocation, but she was growing increasingly curious to experience what James used to describe as “carnality”. They were engaged, after all, as good as married, and she couldn’t see that God would condemn them for showing their love to each other in a physical way when they had made a firm and binding promise to each other. One night she had come to him, taken his hand and guided it tentatively inside her top to touch her naked breast, expecting him to respond to her advances. His hand had been cold and clammy on her warm skin and he had snatched it away from her, flinching away in disgust, accusing her of tempting him into sin. She had tried to tell him that this was an act of love, not sin, but he had remained resolutely uninterested, unable or unwilling to rise to the occasion. He made her feel dirty and ashamed, he could barely look at her for several days, and spent a lot of time in prayer alone, until he told her at last that he had forgiven her, but he couldn’t marry her. He had realised his true calling was to a missionary position of an entirely different nature in Africa.

So, she knew how not to have sex with someone; she was massively experienced at that, but what should she be doing now if she wanted to show Hal that she did want to sleep with him?

It seemed logical that, having invited him in for coffee, she should start by at least making a cup of coffee.  Knowing her luck, it would turn out that he was only here to drink coffee and talk about Anna after all.

Oh, sod Anna. Anna wasn’t here, Anna would never know. Hal was here with her in the darkness and she wanted him to make love to her. That was all that mattered to her right now.

She went into the kitchen with the light of the third candle to put the kettle on the Rayburn, leaving him sitting on the sofa in the living room waiting for her. She had put her over-shirt back on before she left the pub, and thought about removing it again, but she worried that it might make her seem too desperate. She didn’t want him to think that she was cheap and easy, or that this was something she had a habit of doing with any parishioner she took a fancy to. He needed to know that with him she knew her first time would be special - but would he think that was too much pressure on him? He probably would. From what she knew, Hal was the kind of man who would be interested in a quick tumble between the sheets with any woman who offered herself - why should she be any different to all his other women?

She had to laugh at herself. “A quick tumble between the sheets”? She was even thinking like some prudish virgin from the 1950s. “A quick shag,” that’s how Hal would describe what he wanted from her. A one night stand … it was so wrong … but she wasn’t going to turn back now, because since they had sung together, all she had been able to think about was making music like that with her body and his moving in harmony. Even if it was only for one single night, one moment in her life, she wanted to know what it felt like to make love to him. She had never felt such an overwhelming physical desire for anyone ever before. Even when Liam had worked that magic with his fingers she had always been able to control herself, to pull herself back from the brink – but now? Now the yearning for Hal was a physical pain and she knew that once she started anything with him there would be no pulling back. At last she was going to know what it felt like to give herself completely to a man. Slowly, she undid the top buttons of her shirt.

She knew it was the wrong thing for a vicar to do. It broke all the rules: she would be betraying her vow to herself, breaking her commitment to chastity outside of the marriage bed, and it wouldn’t be her father’s idea of righteousness and godliness, that was for sure … but where had righteousness and godliness got her so far? Alone, homeless, frigid, isolated and unfulfilled, that was where. Her best friend was a cat whose affections were easily swayed by a can of tuna. It was an act of sharing – she was giving herself to him as much because she wanted to see his pleasure as to experience her own – was that not an act of self-sacrifice in itself?

What would Jesus do?

What would Jesus do?!

Had she really just allowed herself to think that? She was about to lose her closely guarded virginity, and she was thinking about Jesus? It was the last thought she should be having right now, and Jesus wouldn’t care – Jesus didn’t care, if he had ever even existed.

What was she going to do?

She knew what she wanted to do, and who she wanted to do it with. Jesus had nothing to do with it.

The kettle whistled on the hob, bringing her back to the here and now; the water was boiling out of the spout, and even as she stared at it for a moment, undecided, she realised that Hal had silently come into the kitchen while she was busy thinking.

‘Can I help you with that?’ he offered, softly.

‘No, I, erm …’ she flapped. ‘I’ve got it, thanks, Hal.’

He was standing behind her in the darkness; he was so close that he was almost touching her; she could feel the warmth of his body behind her and smell his aftershave. She was fumbling on the table in front of her for her phone, to find the light to make the coffee, but he caught hold of her wrist and she gasped as she felt his lips on the back of her neck, gentle and teasing. She forgot the phone, she forgot the kettle, she forgot the coffee, all she was aware of was him.

‘I’d like to touch you,’ he whispered into her ear, ‘Can I touch you? Is that what you’d like?’

She nodded, longing to feel his hands on her skin.

‘Please!’ she gasped.

She felt his other hand begin to slide up under her shirt. Her throat began to vibrate in the pitch of a high G; it was all she could do not to sing it out loud, but he’d think she was completely mad if she did. His right hand was caressing the swell of her left breast, gently through the fabric of her vest top as he still held onto her left hand with his own, pulling her body up against him and she felt the surge of his desire for her. He wasn’t even touching her skin and every inch of her body resonated with that high, pure note. He wanted her! She arched her body in towards his, her breath starting to catch in her throat.

‘Are you sure this is the right thing to do? Are you sure this is what you want?’ he asked. ‘I don’t want to get you into any trouble with the bishop, or God or whatever higher power and I don’t want you to regret this in the morning. I need to be sure – ‘

‘The bishop will never find out. God doesn’t care and any regrets I might have are on my conscience, not yours.’

He pulled her around to face him. She thought he was going to kiss her – she closed her eyes and parted her lips, but he didn’t, not yet.

‘Do you think this is a sin?’ he asked, quietly.

‘Yes. I think it’s a sin!’ she gasped. ‘Now please kiss me, Hal, before I change my mind. I’ve waited years for this!’

He pulled back from her.

‘A sin? And what do you mean you’ve waited years for this?’

‘I’ve waited for the right time. The right man. And now…’

He gripped her upper arms. ‘You’ve waited for what?’

‘For this … for …’ she couldn’t quite bring herself to say it out loud. Carnality. Sex. A quick shag. ‘I wanted to wait until my wedding night, but there’s never going to be a wedding night, and I’ve waited too long. I want to know what it feels like to be with a man before I’m too old.’

‘Woah. Wait a minute, are you telling me that you’re a virgin?’

‘That’s it.’ She felt stupid and ashamed. From what Anna had told her, Hal must have been with lots of women, he must think she was naïve and foolish not to have been with anyone, ever. She hadn’t been sure whether she should say anything, but surely, when it came to it, he would know that she was still intact, wouldn’t he? He would be able to tell when they … She had to tell him, didn’t she?

‘So why me then? Why now?’

All her longing for him caught up in her throat, constricting it as if he was twisting the little silver crucifix she wore around her neck.

‘Because I want …’ she began, and stopped. Because I want you more than any man I have ever known in my life before, she had been going to say. Because the moment I saw you I wanted to know what it would feel like to be with you. Because when we sang together this evening I imagined that you were making love to me. Because until now I have never known what desire was. If this is sin, I want to sin with you for the rest of my life. Kiss me, touch me, taste me - show me what it feels like to make love. I may never get another chance to be with you like this. You could have any woman you want, Anna or anyone, but I only want one man. I want you. And if one night is all I can have, then one night is better than nothing.

But that wasn’t the kind of thing a vicar should say, all that needy desire. She couldn’t let him see how much she wanted him – she shouldn’t want anything as much as she wanted him right now. She should be calm, contained, practical, sober, sensible.

‘Because I don’t want to die a virgin,’ she said. ‘Anna told me that you’re good at this kind of thing. Very good. Anna said …’

The look on her face told her instantly that she had said the wrong thing, even though she could only see faintly in the flickering candlelight. He let go of her arms and took a step away from her.

‘So, you want to lose your virginity so that you can tick it off your bucket list?’ His voice was low. ‘Is that all this is?’

Cass didn’t know what to say, she shook her head mutely, ashamed.

‘You’ve just said that you believe being here with me is sinful. You know you’ll probably regret it in the morning, but that’s your problem, is that it?’ When he put it like that it sounded so sordid.

‘Hal, I didn’t mean -’

‘You said that you were waiting for the right man – but the right man and the wedding ring haven’t come along, so I’ll have to do. Is that it?’

‘No!’

‘I can’t do that. I can’t be what you want. I thought that this time it would be a new start, not the same old thing again. I thought you were my second chance.’ He had turned his back to her; she could no longer even try to make out the expression on his face. ‘You’re a vicar! Do you know how many doubts I had about coming here with you tonight? Do you know how hard this has been for me? How mixed up this all feels?’

‘I can imagine,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m sorry, Hal.’

‘I thought that you were different; I thought we … Oh never mind what I thought. I got it wrong.’ He spun back round to face her. ‘You think I’m nothing but a cock for hire!’

‘No!’ Cass’s eyes were stinging with tears at the unexpected harshness of his words. ‘I didn’t want to put you under any pressure - I wanted -’ She took a tentative step towards him, holding out a hand.

‘I know what you wanted. You wanted me to give you a quick, meaningless shag.’ He pushed her hand away.

She was mute, silently acknowledging the shameful element of truth in what he said.

‘I can’t do it.’ He was putting his coat on, his expression taut.

‘Hal, don’t go, let me explain!’ The tight ache of tears stung the back of her throat, but there wasn’t time to tell him anything.

‘I’m sorry. Goodnight, Vicar.’ The door slammed behind him and Cass was left standing alone in the middle of the living room, still tingling with desire from where his hand had caressed her and the scent of his aftershave still in the air.

In the silence and darkness of her misery she would usually have turned to God for comfort, but all there was now to comfort her was darkness and the sound of the waves crashing against the sea wall.

‘Shit,’ sobbed the vicar. ‘Oh, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!’