CHAPTER FOUR
A GHOST OF MEMORY
Four Years Later
December, 1201 A.D.
Selborne Castle, Hampshire
“He has asked for your hand, sweetheart. I know this is a sensitive subject, but I have told you this many times – he would be worth considering.”
A gentle snow was falling outside of the solar window, blanketing everything in a cloud of white.
Juliana could feel the icy breeze on her face, causing her breath to come out in great clouds. She had the oiled cloth curtain peeled back in her hand as she gazed into the bailey of Selborne Castle, where she’d been born. It had been in her father’s family for almost a century. It was home to her, but it was also her prison. She’d hardly left it for the past four years and she surely didn’t care.
A refuge, a prison… it was all the same to her.
And now this. An offer of marriage from Aland de Ferrers, another offer in a long line of offers that Aland had been submitting ever since the Christmas feast at Hollyhock House those years ago. It was a night Juliana wouldn’t speak of, the night when Rhogan had promised her the world and then left her to marry someone else. Over the years, her hurt and disappointment in that incident hadn’t faded much. Instead of an open wound, these days, it was simply a painful scar. She didn’t like to pick at it and neither did her family.
But for her father, it had been difficult to watch his eldest daughter pine away for a man she could never have. His wife had been more tolerant of Juliana’s pain but Val hated to watch her suffer. De Ferrers was an excellent match and, to be honest, he’d put the man off as long as he intended to. Soon enough, Aland would tire of waiting for Juliana and look elsewhere for a wife. And at twenty years of age, Juliana was well on her way to becoming a spinster. If Val had anything to say about it, that wouldn’t happen. Therefore, he tried to be gentle with her.
“Juli?” he said softly. “Did you hear me?”
Juliana sighed heavily. “I heard you, Papa,” she said, letting the oiled cloth drop as she turned away from the window. “We have had this discussion before, you and I. I have known Aland since I was young and he is a nice man, but I do not wish to marry him.”
They were in Val’s solar as Val sat behind his big table, pockmarked from years of use. Seated in a comfortable chair, he watched his daughter as she made her way aimlessly towards the hearth. In truth, he understood her reluctance to marry because, long ago in this very same room, he and his mother had shared many a conversation about his reluctance to marry also.
His reasons had been a little different but he understood Juliana’s hesitation just the same. Ironic how he now found himself in the same position his mother had been in those years ago – trying to convince a child that marriage was the right thing to do.
“Before I met your mother, your grandmother and I used to have much the same discussion that you and I are having now,” he said. “I did not want to marry because I felt there was too much in my life that I was responsible for without having the added burden of a wife. Of course, that changed when I met your mother.”
Juliana looked at him. “But you love Mama,” she said. “You were able to marry the woman you love. I will not be able to marry the man I love and if I cannot have him, then I do not wish to marry anyone. Papa, must we really have this discussion again?”
Val nodded patiently. “We must,” he said. “Sweetheart, I know you do not wish to marry anyone other than Rhogan and I sympathize with you. But the fact remains that he is married to a French princess and has been for a few years now. Holding out hope that he will suddenly appear and sweep you away is foolish and well you know it. You are twenty years of age now and would make a fine wife for any deserving man. Aland is a good man and would provide an excellent life for you. He is a lord, after all, and you would be titled Lady Hawkley. You would have wealth and standing. Is that so bad?”
Juliana’s head knew he was correct but her heart couldn’t justify it. Sadly, she shook her head. “Nay, Papa, it is not,” she said. “But I do not love him.”
“It is not expected that you should love your husband. Your mother and I were lucky; ours was a love match. But if you like Aland, then that is acceptable. Marriage is based on many more important things than simply love.”
Juliana knew that. It was perfectly acceptable not to adore the person you married; no one expected love matches in marriage these days. But her heart was so very heavy at the thought.
“How would you have felt if you had married a woman you did not love?” she asked. “To think of the life you have spent with Mama – can you imagine your life without her?”
Val had a feeling she was going to use her parents’ marriage to justify her point and there wasn’t much he could say against it.
“Nay, I cannot,” he said honestly. “But we were very fortunate. Not everyone is so blessed, Juli. You must come to terms with the fact that you may not be so lucky as your mother and I were. Aland is offering you a good home and a place of respect. It is an excellent offer, sweetheart. I would not suggest it to you if I did not feel it was best for you.”
Juliana stood by the hearth, gazing into the flames and thinking of Rhogan. Everything her father said made perfect sense and she was loath to admit that he was correct. She was going to have to let her dreams of Rhogan go, for he had married his French princess and had probably never given her another thought. It was a sad realization, but a truthful one. He had married his lady and, certainly, he didn’t spend his time thinking of her. Whatever love she felt was very one-sided.
Still… she couldn’t seem to move away from it.
“I know, Papa,” she said sadly. “I suppose I have let a young girl’s dreams interfere in everything.”
Val could only hope that she was finally coming to see reason. “That is not true,” he said. “You have held on to your dreams because that is what dreams are for – to give us hope, to bring us comfort. But there comes a point in every man or every woman’s life when they must realize that a dream is just that – a dream. It is not real. It is a wish. Your wishes for Rhogan cannot be. It is something you must accept.”
“She does not have to accept it entirely.”
Vesper, Juliana’s mother, entered the chamber. She had been standing by the door and heard the last of the exchange between father and daughter. A beautiful woman who had hardly aged over the years, she looked very much like her eldest daughter. Her heart hurt for the young woman, knowing what she was going through. She went to her child, putting a tender hand on Juliana’s cheek.
“Dreams are not meant to be cast aside and forgotten,” she said to her daughter. “They are meant to be tucked away in your heart, to be remembered fondly. You do not have to forget about Rhogan completely, my love. But it is his ghost that stands between you and a life of happiness. You feel as if you will not be happy without him; you will never know unless you try. To hold Rhogan up as if he is a real future for you is a waste, and I do not wish to see you waste your life.”
It was unfortunate for Juliana that both of her parents were making sense. Everything they said sounded so rational. But she simply couldn’t let go of the ideal that Rhogan had become to her. Ghost or not, he was as real to her as he ever was.
That would never change.
“I know,” she said miserably. “I know you are trying to help, both of you, but I have always loved Rhogan. You know this. I was six years old when I first realized he was something special to me and I have never overcome that. Rhogan has been part of me for a very long time. I always hoped to marry for love; I hoped to marry him. You and Papa married for love, and my dearest friend Lyssa married her husband for love. Even now, Lyssa and Garret have two children and she says her life has never been happier. Why can I not have such happiness, too?”
Vesper patted her cheek. “Because you are different from your papa and me, or Lyssa and Garret. You are unique unto yourself and your life will follow the path that has been predestined for it by God.” She dropped her hand and fixed her daughter in the eye. “Do you not understand, my love? God has given you His answer. He has taken Rhogan away because you were not meant to be with him. You must understand that God has a plan for you and you must be accepting of it. To fight it will only make you miserable. You have been miserable for four years now. Certainly you do not like being miserable, do you?”
Leave it to her mother to make everything clear. In such terms, Juliana could not help but surrender to the logic. But she was overwhelmingly depressed by it.
“Nay,” she said. “I want to be happy.”
Vesper kissed her cheek. “Then you must open your heart and allow someone to make you happy. Mayhap that is Aland, who has just arrived. He has come to see you.”
Startled by the news, Juliana’s eyes opened wide, looking accusingly at her father. Val was trying not to appear too guilty.
“He asked to come visit you and I granted his request,” he said. “That is what I have been trying to tell you, sweetheart. Aland has come to see you on this day. He has come to speak again on marriage.”
Juliana’s mouth popped open in outrage. “I do not want to see him,” she said, pulling away from her parents and rushing towards the solar door. “I’ll not have him force himself upon me!”
Vesper followed her. “He will not be forced upon you,” she said steadily. “But it is necessary to spend time with the man if you are to marry him.”
Juliana was back to being agitated. “I did not say that I would!”
Vesper looked at Val, who sighed heavily. “I am inclined to give him permission to marry you,” he said. “You must trust me, Juliana. I am not trying to be cruel. But I do believe this is for the best.”
Frustrated, and in tears, Juliana fled the solar with her mother trailing after her, leaving Val feeling as if he’d just beaten his child severely. He hated to see her so miserable but, in this case, he genuinely felt that his decision was for the best. He couldn’t stand seeing her waste her life longing over a love that would never be returned. It was with the heaviest of hearts that he rose from his chair and headed out of his solar, out into the snowy bailey where his daughter’s future husband awaited.
If she didn’t want to move on with her life, then he would have to do it for her.