Saturday 23rd December
In Poppy’s kitchen at Daisy Hill Farm: Making tracks
With Jess back in the shop, after a morning editing pictures and checking my inbox and phone every two minutes, in case Luc finds some signal and decides to get in touch, I decide to hitch a ride out of town with Immie. She’s on her way back to the farm after a lunchtime Precisely Peaceful session at the Leisure Centre. Although, judging by the way she’s cursing every driver on the bypass, I’m not sure how effective the session’s been. She’s also really agitated because Poppy’s running around when she should be winding down. As for me, as soon as I’m chatting to Gracie and Teddie in Poppy’s kitchen, it takes my mind off kicking myself for ducking out with Luc last night. Although Immie, Jess and Poppy are all convinced it was a good move, it was a lot less intentional than they think. But as they say, if he’s worth it, I’ll be hearing from him. However, once I’m back on my laptop next to Poppy’s Aga, and I’ve eaten my own weight in Christmas pudding muffins, it’s much easier to focus. And at least if I’m here, I can make sure Poppy doesn’t go dashing out to supervise barn clearing or cottage guests.
Despite being under house arrest, Poppy’s up to her elbows in icing sugar, creating an alpine- scene Christmas cake, ready for when everyone descends for Christmas Day on Monday. And along the way I sort out Nate and Becky’s mini-album, for what will forever more be known as the Hurricane Wedding. Even though yesterday’s ferocious westerly has dropped, it’s now turned into an icy blast straight out of the Arctic.
‘Looks like we’re in for a whiteout,’ Rory says, as he calls in later to pick up Gracie and Teddie after dinner. He’s just missed out on the most delicious Hunter’s Chicken, cooked by Rafe, and turned down a carry-out. ‘If you’ve got a spare half hour later, before Rafe takes you back to town, Holly, there’s something for you back at the cottage.’ He’s trying to sound bright, but a vital part of his happy bunny bounce is missing.
Not only is Rafe a superman in the kitchen, he’s also offered to run me home, so that’s great. But Rory arriving late for dinner and then turning down food, is unheard of. As for calling me just Holly – when did he ever do that? When I tiptoe into Home Brew Cottage after clearing up dinner, it’s unusually quiet. Rory’s already sitting on the sofa, laptop open, and as he puts it on the table he nods at the space next to him.
‘Am I in time for singing with Gracie?’ I’ve rushed so I’d make it. As I gasp to get my breath back, I’m wondering where his loud boy soundtrack is.
He looks up and blinks absently. ‘She’s already asleep. Sit down if you can find somewhere.’
I was aching to know what he’d got for me as I came up the courtyard, but his blank stare pushes that out of my mind. Given the easy chairs are covered in clothes piles, I perch on the sofa’s edge beside him. ‘Is everything okay?’ From my personal point of view, it’s anything but. I really hadn’t expected his lost expression to play this much havoc with my urge to not only to rub his head, but to clutch him to me and hug him hard. If these are the vibes Marilyn picks up from him, I can see why she’s so hands-on.
He lets out a long sigh. ‘Actually, it couldn’t be any less okay. I’ve just spoken to the hospital. Erin’s been fighting off an infection, but it’s suddenly spiralled out of control. You know, I’m starting to think they might lose her.’
All the time I’ve been worrying about Luc getting in contact, his sister has been deteriorating. ‘Lose her, as in …?’
He gives a half-nod and his voice is barely there. ‘What am I going to do if she doesn’t pull through this, Berry?’
I’m shuddering and staring at the snowmen spinning on the Christmas tree in the warm draught from the fire. ‘It’s really that bad?’
He closes his eyes for a second. ‘They’re slamming the antibiotics into her, but she’s not responding, so they’ve just upped the dose. It’ll be a few hours before they know if it’s working. I’m doing such a bad job of looking after the kids. If they lose her, what the hell am I going to do then?’
It’s the first time I’ve ever heard him sound completely helpless. And as I stare at his haunted expression, what I’m picking up is pure fear. ‘Whatever happens, we’re all here for you.’
His face creases into an agonised grimace. ‘I’m absolutely bricking it here. I’ve never been so frightened about anything, ever.’
This is the big, huge, lovely guy, who’s carried me and hauled me, and looked out for me through the last three weeks. Seeing him crumbling is making my heart ache. ‘You’re the most fearless guy I know, Rory. If the worst happens, you’ll come through it, and make it work, in the same amazing way you have with the rest of your life.’ Thinking about his accident, I can’t help reaching out and grasping his arm.
He sighs and shakes his head. ‘If I could, I’d swap places with Erin. This is just so unfair on Gracie and Teddie.’
I know he means it. ‘However scared you feel right now, you’ll find a way through. You’re every bit good enough for those children. I can’t imagine anyone who’d step up and care for them more or better than you. If I was going to die, I can’t think of anyone I’d rather look after my kids.’ I’m not just saying it. It’s true. He might have taken a while to get into his stride, but now he couldn’t be trying harder. There’s just so much heart there. I can feel his forearm flexing through the soft cotton of his shirtsleeve. ‘You know, we’ll all be here to help you. We’ll find a way to make it work.’
‘Thanks, Berry. But you might not be here.’ He rakes his fingers through his hair. ‘I wanted to talk to you about that too. I finished your playlist.’
‘That’s why you wanted me to come over tonight?’
He takes a breath. ‘That was the excuse. Really I wanted to talk about ways you might stay on.’ He pauses. ‘I don’t want to come between you and Luc. But I thought if we could work out a workable alternative, at least then you’d have a proper choice when he asks you to go back to him.’
I’m a lot less confident than he is about Luc wanting me back. ‘You think I should stay?’
‘Everyone does. We can all see you could have a great future here. As Poppy says, there’s easily enough work for another photographer. If you don’t want to do it on your own, I’ll help you. We make a great team. There’s nothing I’d like more.’
I have to protest, because the thought of giving up my safe salary and starting a business from scratch makes my heart stop. ‘But weddings really aren’t my thing.’
His lips give the smallest twist of amusement. ‘Are you sure?
‘Actually, you’re right. I don’t mind them so much when I think of the ways I made a difference to Katie and Becky and Saffy and Sophie and Zoe and Nancy. And how warm I felt inside, when there was even one picture they were delighted with.’ However lovely that felt, I’d never dare to make the leap to something so insecure.
Rory gives a nod. ‘You’re so great with people. You can’t tell me you get the same satisfaction from working with plates of sausages, even if you do get awards for it.’ He bites his lip. ‘When you’ve found something you’re brilliant at, it’s a shame not to make a success of it.’
I wrinkle my nose. ‘But I’m not that kind of person. Especially not in St Aidan. Freya was the bright star in our family, not me.’ The boys have done well, but that’s different because they were younger.
He narrows his eyes. ‘You know, Berry, as I see it, your whole life you’ve been hiding behind Freya, even though she’s not here any more. The last few weeks, since you’ve been forced to do the things you were scared of, you’ve come so far. If only you’ll let yourself make the leap, the future could be so exciting.’
I’m agonising. ‘Me daring to do stuff would feel too much like I’m trying to be Freya. I’d rather stay just how we were.’ I’ve never thought about it like this before. But now he’s mentioned it, I know he’s right. The last thing I want to do is take my wonderful sister’s place.
He puts his fist to his chin. ‘Freya would have wanted you to have the happiest and best time you can. She wouldn’t want you to settle for anything less than amazing. She’d want you to fly. I think you owe it to her to go for this.’
‘So you’re saying I should stay and work with you, as a wedding photographer in St Aidan?’ When Poppy mentioned a similar thing the day I second shot with Jules, I was horrified. Tonight, when I’m already feeling a tiny pang that there won’t be any more pictures of brides getting ready, it’s a lot more tempting.
He nods. ‘Surrounded by friends, making the most of all your talents. It’s what we all think.’
‘Are you ganging up on me here?’
He smiles. ‘Poppy, Immie and I did get together on this. You’ve got some big decisions ahead. You need to find the courage to make the right choices.’
I’m swallowing back the lump in my throat, because he’s worked out what I haven’t, in more than twenty years. ‘Thanks for that, Rory.’
‘Back at you, Holly Postman. No one makes me man up quite like you do.’ He’s got those thoughtful wrinkles in his forehead again. ‘By the way, where do you stand on sledging?’ It’s random stuff like this that makes him so funny.
I can’t help laughing. ‘You should know that. Firmly at the bottom of the hill. Every time.’
A smile plays around his lips. ‘So you’ve never felt the thrill of whooshing downhill?’ Those crinkles at the edge of his eyes get me just as much now as they always did.
I need to be firm on this. ‘Downhill, fast and snow? All three together would be up there with my least favourite experiences of all time.’ Not that it’s a problem, given snow in Cornwall happens once in a blue moon. Seeing it happened last year, I’m safe. But in case he has other ideas, I need to move this on. ‘So when will you have more news from the hospital?’
He pulls a face. ‘A few hours, maybe.’
It seems the least I can do. ‘Shall I wait with you?’
‘I’d like that. If you don’t mind.’ He pushes himself up and stretches. ‘You start on your playlist, and I’ll go down and tell Rafe you don’t need a lift. No Christmas tunes in there, I promise. You already know the first song.’
‘S Club 7?’ I’m bracing myself for a punishing couple of hours.
He tugs on his jacket. ‘It’s a mix. Some to make you happy, some sad ones, some with a message. Some to make you remember us, if you decide not to stay. It’s your call to decide which are which.’ Then he gets out his phone and adjusts the volume down as the first bars come pounding out of the speakers. ‘And Gracie and Teddie will definitely be here for Christmas. So if you’ve got any brilliant ideas for presents …’ His eyes are still dark with worry, but at least he’s lost the hopeless look.
‘I’ll see what I can think of.’ I smile as I wave him out of the door. ‘How are you with shopping?’
He rolls his eyes. ‘Like everything else – a bit shit.’
* *
Flicking through the playlist, Fight for this Love, Bat out of Hell, and Teenage Dirt Bag all go in the nostalgia pile. Issues, Fix You, Wishing and Hoping and So Kiss Me, go in the what the hell? pile. I’m putting Reach and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun in the happy pile, when he comes back in.
As he throws himself down on the sofa, he looks about as agitated as Immie after she’s had half an hour on her Cool-Head app. ‘Jeez, is this a hell of a night or what?’ He blows. ‘Poppy’s having contractions, so Rafe’s taking her into hospital. They were just leaving as I got there.’
‘How’s Rafe?’ This is just what he doesn’t need.
‘Exactly like a guy who already lost a baby that came early.’
‘And Poppy?’ I’m wincing and feeling guilty for not making her rest more.
He shakes his head. ‘We’ll know more later. Right now there’s nothing we can do, except hope very hard.’ He pores over his laptop. ‘Maybe we’ll skip Baby Love and Exes and Ohs and go straight to Radiohead.’
I grit my teeth and stick those tracks firmly in the fun pile. ‘No Surprises?’ I smile as the first haunting notes echo across the room. ‘It’s pretty much my theme tune. I love this track.’
‘Me too. It kept me sane in hospital.’ He pats his upper arm closest to me. ‘Feel free to lean. No strings. It’s going to be a long night, that’s all.’
Wedged against the solid warmth of his shoulder, with the songs in the background, the hours pass strangely fast. At four a.m. there’s a call from the hospital to say Erin’s out of danger. At five Rafe rings to say Poppy’s not in labour and they’ll be home again in the morning. And at six Gracie and Teddie come through and are delighted to find Rory’s up before them. And when I wake up even later to find I’m curled up, head in Rory’s crotch, under a cashmere throw, he’s polite enough to pretend it never happened.