Monday 25th December
Christmas Day at Rose Hill Manor: Going downhill fast
So Poppy and Rafe leave the rest of us to finish the champagne and head off to hospital. Later, when Teddie, Immie and then Gracie fall asleep in a pile on one of the sofas, Rory suggests a walk in the snow before tea. It’s another one of those moments when my feet overrule my sensible self. Even though I’d much rather be curled up toasting my toes, watching the logs shifting on the fire, I’m out in the hall. Worse still, I’m being bullied into some salopettes and a ski jacket from Jess’s collection, which is now huge enough to take up an entire wall in the downstairs boot room. Before I know it, there’s an arctic blast whistling across the bit of my face between my hat and collar. And I’m stomping along in my wellies and snow socks beside Rory, who’s dragging one of the huge toboggans from under the tree behind him.
As we round the bottom of the lake, scramble over a fence and start to climb up the sloping field on the other side, he finally slows down enough for me to start reflecting on all the excitement. ‘Snow, Santa arriving, two proposals, an unexpected pregnancy announcement, then Poppy going into labour. This has to go down as one of the most dramatic Christmas Days ever, doesn’t it?’
‘All the more reason to finish off with some sledging, Snow Berry.’ He couldn’t sound any more enthusiastic.
Although it should be dark, there’s a half moon illuminating the lightly scudding night clouds, and the white folds of snow are shining where the moonlight catches them. Being the boy that he is, Rory’s stuffed his pockets with head torches and goggles, but it’s so bright so far that we haven’t needed them. It should take ages and a ton of effort for someone as unfit as me and stuffed full of Christmas dinner, to climb a hill this steep. But somehow my legs are flying.
As we get two-thirds of the way to the top, Rory stops and turns to look down. ‘This should do it. The ride down will be well worth the climb, I promise.’
The kick in the stomach I get from his grin turns to an anxious pang. ‘But what about your head? If you can’t play rugby, should you be hurtling downhill at a hundred miles an hour?’
He gives my elbow a nudge. ‘We’re talking about a baby slope here, not the Olympic bobsleigh team. That’s why I brought the slow toboggan. I know you won’t want to go down too fast.’
‘Me?’ I blink at him, because I couldn’t have made it clearer. I’m only here for the walk. ‘What part of “I watch, I don’t sledge” did you not get?’
His expression is so eager and hopeful. ‘But you’re doing all the scary stuff now. Every time you’ve dared to put yourself out there, hasn’t it been worth it?’
It’s not helpful that my stomach’s squishing again at the hollows in his cheekbones. ‘I really appreciate you helping me understand about Freya.’ This isn’t only to get out of sledging. I want to thank him.
He pulls down the corners of his mouth. ‘When you lose someone, especially when you’re young, it can take years to work through the grief.’
It’s nice he understands. ‘It’s funny. You don’t ever get over it. You just learn to live with how things are. But I’m really glad you knew her too.’
‘So am I.’ He nods. ‘It’s the same with heartbreak and life-changing events. There’s no easy fix. You have to do the time.’
I wrinkle my nose. Not that I want to keep going on about him, but I want to make it clear. ‘I think I’m completely over my break-up now. There really was no connection with Luc any more. But I’m glad he came back, because it let me understand what went wrong. And made me feel stronger too.’
For a moment he looks very grave. ‘I didn’t want to cause complications there. That’s why I’ve stayed back. Just so you know.’
I’m frowning. And shriveling inside all over again for thinking he was going to say he loved me when Luc was here. How the hell did I think that? He couldn’t have been clearer about why he won’t ever commit, and I need to respect that. But if I loved him before, I love him even more for making Gracie’s Christmas so magical. That’s what’s amazing about Rory. He’s so good at knowing what will make things wonderful. Then he makes them happen. There really aren’t many people who can do that. I don’t know which would be harder. Living near him and not being able to have him, or living far away and not seeing him at all.
His lips twist into a smile again. ‘So how about this hill? If you can brazen it out to get St Aidan’s wedding of the year back on track, five seconds’ whizzing on a sledge will be a piece of cake. Shall we give it a go? There’s nothing better. The icy air whooshing past you, rolling off into the snow at the bottom.’
‘Stop, that’s enough!’
‘But if you’re serious about pushing yourself, you’ve got to try it once.’ He lines up the sledge and sits down on it. Then he nods at the gap between his legs. ‘Tuck in in front of me. You never know, you might even like it.’
I let out a long sigh. ‘Okay.’ It’s another time when my head is yelling ‘no’, and my mouth’s saying the opposite. But there might never be another chance to know what it feels like to have his arms around me. Some obscure part of my brain must have done the maths. Five seconds of sheer terror is a small price to pay for the thrill of being jammed between Rory Sanderson’s thighs. There’s simply no other reason my back would be wedged against his chest, my eyes welded closed.
His face is so close his stubble almost brushes my cheek as he leans forward. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Of course I’m bloody not, I’m about to hurtle downhill!’
‘Ready, Berry?’
It has to be said. ‘If we wait till next Christmas I’ll never be ready.’
‘Point taken. We might as well be off, then.’ He’s lifting his heels off the floor. ‘Un, deux, trois, here we go.’
He was right about the rush of air. As we bump and pick up speed, there are ice chips too. The only way to cope is to fill my lungs to bursting and let out the loudest scream I can. There’s a few seconds of zooming, then we’re down, and we slow and shudder to a halt a few yards from the fence.
Rory’s laughing as hard as I was screaming. ‘Not so bad was it?’
I’m not going to agree. ‘Ten times worse.’
He’s leaping to his feet. ‘I’m risking my eardrums here. Another run?’
I’m missing the warmth of his body already, so I’m off up the hill again. ‘Maybe one more.’
Five runs later and this time we’ve almost climbed all the way up to the summit.
My cheeks are burning from the effort. I let out a groan. ‘I’ll be such a Rudolf by the time I get back to the Manor.’
His voice is all protest. ‘But I love your red cheeks and nose as much as I love you. I thought you knew that?’
‘Bollocks.’ He never gives up on winding me up. Really, however determinedly single they are, anyone who says that should have a hug. Although, given what the dark look in his eyes is doing to my insides, it’s probably a good thing he’s already stooping down by the sledge.
He’s looking up at me from where he’s crouching. ‘Okay, I reckon we’re ready for the advanced moves. I’ll lie on my stomach and you lie on top of me. It’s closer to the ground, so we’ll be more aerodynamic.’ Those are the worst reasons I’ve ever heard for a guy getting a woman to jump on top of him. But, due to this being Rory, he’s getting away with it.
This is more precarious, but what the hell? It’s also way more bumpy, and longer, and the snow spray is hitting me in the face. But this time my eyes are open and instead of hating the rush, my heart is racing with the thrill. When we trundle to a halt and I bump off into the snow at the bottom, I’m starting to get the plus side of salopettes too. As I roll over onto my back and look up at the stars through the gaps between the clouds, Rory’s rolling too. A moment later, his body bumps into the space next to mine. And next thing he’s propping himself up on his elbow, looking down at me.
‘So you risked the hill.’ His face breaks into a grin. It’s a statement, rather than a question. ‘Now you passed that first test, there’s something else.’
I’m shaking my head, staring up at him. ‘If you’d told me this at the start, I’d happily have skipped straight to step two.’
‘That’s not how it works.’ He laughs, then he goes all serious again. ‘You see, however hard I’ve worked to get back on track after my head injury, there’s always been a part of every day when I’d have swapped back to my old life before the accident, if only someone had given me the chance.’
‘Awww, Rory.’
He’s biting his lip. ‘Then after years of living with those regrets, things have suddenly changed. Since you’ve been here, I don’t feel that any more.’ He gives a sniff. ‘Having you around makes me really happy. I never dreamed I’d ever get to say this. But being with you, as I am, is a life I’m completely happy with. It’s the only life I want.’ His voice is low as he slides his fingers between mine. ‘I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay here and live your life with me. I want us to be together.’
Looking up at his beautiful face, knowing he feels like that, I’m crying, and I can’t stop. ‘I think it’s the life I want too. When I first thought about staying, it seemed impossible. Now everyone’s offering so much help. But most of all, every time I think about heading back to London, I can’t imagine not being with you every day.’ I’m smiling up at him, wondering why he’s holding back. ‘Isn’t this the point where you come in and snog me?’
He laughs. ‘I haven’t finished yet, but seeing as you’ve asked.’
As he dips down and his mouth slides onto mine, it hits me that this is the kind of kiss I’ve been waiting for forever. Light, delicious. With a touch of mocha. Like there’s a mass choir singing in my body. When he gently pulls away after a kiss that’s longer and sweeter than any I could even have dreamed of, all I want is more.
His grin is shamefaced. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that yet. You see, for the best part of ten years I’ve been resigned to being alone because my head injury was so unstable. I assumed if I didn’t date, I wouldn’t fall in love. I never thought as far as what to do if love came out of nowhere and zapped me, like it has done with you. But do you think you have enough courage to take me on, complete with my uncertainty?’
I let out a sigh. ‘It’s a good thing you showed me how to be brave.’ I think for a second. ‘Although, I’m not sure I’d have had a choice, even if I wasn’t. I love you, Rory. I love you because you’ve got the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. And the most enthusiasm. And the most courage. And all that’s quite apart from being the most beautiful guy in the world, inside and out.’ I stop and wrinkle my nose. ‘From what I’ve seen so far, anyway.’
He laughs and pulls on his zip. ‘I’m happy to show you the rest. Just say the word.’
Now it’s my turn to laugh. ‘I made a good choice of present, I already got a flash of torso.’ When I put my hand up to rest on his cheek, just because I can, my fingers tingle. ‘The thing is, you understand me better than anyone else I’ve ever known, and you know how to make me the best person I can be. But I love you exactly as you are. Whatever uncertainty your life holds, I’m ready to take that on, because that’s how big my love for you is. Even if it’s only a day, I’ll have to be the one to have that day with you.’
He lets out a sigh. ‘Every year that goes by, it’s a sign that my head has healed better than they’d ever hoped. But I’ll never be as good as I was before. That’s the other thing. Until the kids came to stay, I had no idea I’d want my own.’
My eyes are wide, but I’m teasing. ‘You’re seeing past all those dawn starts, wall-to-wall Disney films and nappy changes?’
He shrugs. ‘It’s made me know for definite that I want that with you. To have our own family at the Roaring Waves Barn.’
I bite my lip. ‘There might be a problem there.’
His brow knits in a worried frown. ‘What’s that?’
I shrug. ‘More than one person has warned me about the curtains.’ I keep a straight face for as long as I can, then my smile breaks through. ‘Or the lack of them.’
‘Any more cracks like that and you may have to have snow down your neck.’ He laughs. ‘Actually I think I’ve always loved you. All those days I asked you out on the school bus, I was longing for you to say yes, even if I was years ahead of you.’
I put my hands to my cheeks. ‘You gave me goosebumps and hot flushes every time I saw you. Back then, and after twenty years.’ I laugh. For the time being I’ll keep it to myself how devastated I was when I first saw the baby seats in the beer-mobile. ‘And today, when you stood up to tell me Luc didn’t love me, I was desperate for you to tell me you did. I knew at that moment that I loved you. But I thought I wasn’t going to be able to have you.’
He’s laughing again. ‘You’ve no idea how hard it was not to say I did.’ He frowns again. ‘I’ve been thinking. We could call your photography business Mr and Mrs – couples getting married, being photographed by a couple. It works, doesn’t it?’
‘What?’ I take a second to grasp that he’s hinting at us being Mr and Mrs. Then I change my tone. ‘What?’
He’s looking slightly ashamed. ‘I’m sorry if it sounds like the third proposal of the day. But I already know it’s what I’ll want whenever you’re ready. It’s the same as already knowing I want to have kids with you. That’s what comes of falling in love when you’re as ancient as me.’ He’s laughing now. ‘I’ve had long enough to know exactly what I want when I find it. And that happens to be you.’
My smile’s so wide, I feel as if my face might split. ‘Bloody hell, Rory Waves. You don’t mess about, do you?’
He laughs. ‘I never have. I’m very organised, when I know what I want. There’s another thing, Berry.’ He’s pulling something out of his pocket. ‘I brought mistletoe. And this time I’m not letting you get away.’
I’m teasing him again. ‘If you’re sure we’ve covered everything?’
‘Absolutely.’ He’s holding up the berries as his mouth crashes onto mine.
It’s a long time later when we brush ourselves down and head back for mince pies and Christmas cake.
Rory’s hanging onto my hand very tightly as we stagger through the snow together. ‘If we ever tell our kids we had our first kiss in a snowdrift, they probably won’t believe us.’
I laugh. ‘And we probably won’t say it was so good we were still there an hour later.’
He tilts his head to watch me. ‘If you want me to miss out the bit about you getting engaged to someone else on the same day as me, you’re going to have to promise to cover the whole of the Roaring Waves barn in twinkle lights next December.’ He laughs. ‘And promise to love me forever, too.’
I’m laughing at him as well. ‘I think I can deliver on both those promises. So long as you snog me again, right now.’
He’s dropping the sledge rope and pulling me into his arms again. ‘Funny, you’re usually way more cake-orientated.’
By the time we get back to the Manor, it’s so late Poppy’s Christmas cake has already been demolished. We tiptoe back in, hoping no one will notice how long we’ve been away. But when Immie notices my hand in Rory’s she starts to clap. And in the end the roar is loud enough to make the bells on the tree in the hallway jangle.
There’s a lesson for everyone there. If you want to keep things quiet, don’t fall in love at a Christmas party anywhere near St Aidan.