Summer
The bell tower at St. Luke’s is somethin’ special. It chimes on the hour. Don’t matter if I’m reading or watchin’ Raine swing out over the Red, I always hear it and I always notice ’cause it’s kinda like the heartbeat of Grace.
Daddy said when he was a little boy he got a job workin’ the cotton fields by Carolina Road. It was tough work and he couldn’t slack ’cause Ezra Kinley had a line of boys by his place each mornin’ and only the need for half of them. Ezra would let them break at midday when the sun was gettin’ fierce, and he’d get Cass to bring out a pitcher of lemonade. Ezra kept a ball and a mitt and a couple bats by the house and they’d play an hour before they worked on. Daddy said the boys would count the chimes off, waitin’ till it was time, then pray the bell would break so they could get longer out.
*
It was tight, the stairway windin’ dark and dusty circles. Bobby asked if I wanted to help him, he had to check the workings every month. I felt Bobby close behind me. I walked slow, countin’ each step. I dressed for him. I took clothes from Raine’s closet then left the house early. The skirt was short and I wore underwear that went right up my butt. I almost slipped once. I ain’t even sure if I did it on purpose but Bobby reached out and placed a hand on my hip.
“All right?” he said.
“Yeah.”
We passed the room where the ringers used to sit. I’ve been in there before, there’s a line of photos on the wall and they show the church after Hurricane Camille swept through. There was a hole in the roof but it could’ve been worse ’cause there weren’t much that still stood along the Mississippi coast.
I was already deep outta breath. Bobby helped me as we crossed the beam. I focused on my feet. It was hot and sunlight crisscrossed the tower through gaps in the stone. I had a fine sweat on by the time we reached the ladder. I was hopin’ I didn’t have patches under my arms ’cause I hadn’t never seen Savannah a shade off perfect.
I glanced up and saw the wooden wheel and the cogs and the dull steel bell. Dust rose like glitter and I reached out and tried to grasp it.
“We can go back. It’s hot in here,” Bobby said, wiping his forehead.
His arms are a kinda gold color ’cause he spends a lot of his time outside, walking to visit people and helpin’ Samson with the grounds.
“I want to see the top,” I said.
“It’s high, if you get dizzy on the ladder just stop climbing, don’t look down and hold on tight. I’ll be right behind you.”
“Catch me if I fall,” I said.
“You’ll take me down with you.”
I laughed.
I climbed slow, keepin’ my head up. I felt the ladder move as Bobby climbed beneath me. At one point I glanced down and saw him lookin’ straight up, his cheeks colored with shame.
I stopped near the top.
“All right, Summer?”
“Just need a minute,” I said.
I glanced down again, his face by my ankles, his eyes strippin’ me bare. I wanted him to touch me, to reach up and do ungodly things to me in the church tower.
I thought of my momma, if she could see me, her shinin’ star flashin’ her ass to a pastor.
When we got out the air hit me hard and I gulped it down ’cause I didn’t realize I hadn’t been breathin’ for the longest time. That was the thing with Bobby, around him I forgot I was mortal, I went to a place where his gaze pumped my blood and his smile filled my lungs.
I walked to the edge and saw Grace below, and I saw across Briar County to the rise and the fall of the country beyond. It was so long and so wide and so deep and so endless. Maybe I liked that feelin’, like I was a dot on a canvas so vast you could lift me out and nobody would notice. That insignificance that people fear, I sought it ’cause it made it all right, those acts that were so small.
“Where’s my house?”
He leaned close to me, his cheek almost brushin’ mine. He put an arm round my waist and pointed. I stared off, tryin’ not to breathe when his hand moved lower.
We stayed that way a long time. There ain’t a sound up there but the lightest whistle of the breeze. I could see trucks hurtlin’ down Highway 125 and I thought of the men in them like my daddy, with their family living lives so lonely. That was me and my momma and my sister.
I leaned forward, my elbows comin’ to rest on the stone. My skirt pulled high, his hand drifted lower till it rested on my ass. My mouth ran dry.
I shifted slightly, moved my feet farther apart. I saw a cluster of birds shoot high from Hell’s Gate, then scatter and come together in some kinda dance.
Bobby took his hand away and I wondered what I’d done wrong. It was a game I didn’t know how to play or what it meant to win.
My hair fell. I counted to fifty.
I almost jumped when I felt Bobby’s hand on my thigh, at the top, under my skirt. His touch was hot, sweat on his palms.
I breathed ragged.
His hand rose higher, resting on my bare ass.
“Sometimes I want to go home,” he said.
I was damp through.
“But there was never home.”
I kicked my foot out a little more, arched my back, and brought my chin down to rest on my fingers like I was watchin’ the flames below.
I flexed my toes.
He moved his hand across my ass, my underwear against his palm.
“I can see the whole of Briar County,” I said.
I counted to fifty again, this time fast, then I dared to push back.
I felt the pressure soft at first.
He pressed harder, I pushed back just as hard. He slowly worked his hand lower, tracin’ his finger down.
I closed my eyes.
The bell sounded and I jumped and he took his hand away.
And maybe that one time I wished it was broke too.