ANNA

 

“Would you like your whiskey straight or on the rocks?” I question my sister Beth with a sly grin hitched across my lips. “Or would you like something easier to swallow such as a vodka-cranberry?”

“You are a terrible, terrible person.” She rolls her eyes and shifts backwards against the white leather couch. “While I would love anything with the slightest taste of alcohol, it’s going to be another long seven months until I’m afforded that privilege.”

“Grape juice it is,” I say with a shrug and take a short sip of whiskey from the cup in my hands. “On a serious note though, I’m so damn happy that you’re having a baby.” I slink down onto the couch beside her and kick my bare feet up onto the white marble coffee table. “And I’m so damn happy that I’m the first person to know.”

“Second, technically.”

“Right.” I turn to her with a cracked grin. “There’s that pesky issue of your husband always being the first to know everything.”

“Seriously?” She cocks one brow and shakes her head. “It’s his baby, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” I mutter under my breath and hook my eyes at the glass of whiskey. “Do you have any inkling what you’re having yet?”

“We’re going to wait—”

“Let me stop you right there.” I place my cup onto the coffee table and twist to face my sweet, loving, delusional sister. “If you think I’m going to go out and buy gender-neutral clothing because—”

“Let me stop you right there.” She places her hand over my mouth so that my words become mumbled until I eventually surrender in defeat. “We’re simply waiting for a little while because we want to have one of those cute little gender reveal parties and that means people need to know that I’m pregnant in the first place and I’m not comfortable with telling anyone and everyone until I’ve passed the twelve-week mark.”

She uncovers my mouth and I take the opportunity to breathe real, fresh air before launching into another tirade. “You’ve got to stop using that hand lotion from that catalog. As bad as it smells, it tastes even worse.”

“Why are you so high-strung right now?”

“Because it’s my day off work and I haven’t had one of those in months.”

“Right.” She folds her arms over each other and cocks her head sideways. Just by the way she’s looking at me, I know she’s about to ask the same question she’s been asking me for years now. “Speaking of work, are you ever going to tell me what it is that you do?”

I purse my lips and drop my head with a little chuckle forged from a mixture of nerves and the sheer weight of the lies I bear upon my shoulders. At some point, I’m going to have to tell someone what I do for a living. There’s just the whole pesky non-disclosure agreement I signed.

I inhale sharply before turning to her with a half-assed smile. “It’s the same as always.”

She rolls her eyes and groans. “The same old, if I tell you, I’ll have to kill you?”

“You know the drill.” I force myself to my feet and twist to her to offer my assistance in helping her to stand. She takes my hand and I gracefully pull her to her feet. “It’s a nice day outside and you need to get some exercise in while you can.”

“Are you trying to say that I’m fat?”

“I’m trying to say that I don’t have to work today and it would be nice to be able to see the sun.”

# # #

Beth and I sit on a porch swing while torrential rain pounds against the dirt and sand outside her suburban home. From her front porch, there are beautiful views of the mountains in the distance and just between two particular mountains is a glimpse of the bustling city.

Out here in the valley, things are quiet. Things aren’t as dangerous. I’d never want to raise children in this metropolis, but if I were going to ever raise kids anywhere near here, then here is where I’d choose to do it. But raising kids means having a stable home and more importantly, a stable life. Most importantly still, it would require sharing my life with a man, and that’s the last thing in the cards for me.

“Nice sunny day,” Beth quips from beside me with a bemused smile. “Although I must admit the sound of rain is the most relaxing thing in this world.”

“It always has been since you were a little girl.”

“How are you my older sister?” She cocks her head to look at me curiously and I cock my head right back at her in kind.

“Are you trying to say something?” I chew into my bottom lip and adjust my gaze so I’m staring longingly at the mountains in the distance. “You have everything I should have. Everything your older sister should possess, but don’t ever forget that I’m your older sister. Even without a mortgage or a husband or a baby.”

Her hand falls upon my shoulder. “Everything will come when it’s supposed to.”

“Like fate?” I take a quick glance at her. “I don’t know if I believe in all that crap.”

“You always said it was fate that Johnny and I found each other,” she points out with a soft chuckle. “Way back in the stone age when we were both young girls.”

“Not everyone can get so lucky.” I rise to my feet and lean against the white railing. “You’re really living the dream. You’ve done everything right. Fell in love with your high school sweetheart, married him and moved to the suburbs.” I twist on my feet and grip my palms along the railing. “It’s the most American thing I’ve ever heard.”

She throws one hand over her heart. “God bless the USA.”

“God bless your womb.” I point squarely at her stomach. “I hope you have triplets.”

“If that comes to pass, then I’m most likely going to need a live-in nanny.” She cradles her hand against her stomach and rises to meet me against the railing. “Maybe I could lure you away from this mysterious job of yours?”

“I’m not qualified for anything when it comes to raising children.” I comb my hand through my hair. “Hell, sometimes I still have trouble tying my sneakers.”

“You’re thirty years old,” she scoffs playfully. “You really need to get a grip.”

“It was a metaphor.” I twist to face her and push her brown hair out of her face. “Just an example showing you that I’m doing well taking care of myself.”

“You know I worry about you, right?” she questions softly, the tone in our conversation shifting in an instant.

I take a measured step back and shake my head, crack a forced smile. “You know you don’t need to worry about me. If anyone needs to worry, it’s me because that’s who I am. I’m your older sister. I’m supposed to be the one taking care of you.”

“There are just so many things I don’t know about you, so many things I don’t know about your life.” She shrugs. “I just wish you weren’t so secretive.”

“Fine,” I huff and drop back down onto the swing, the seat swinging roughly beneath me and dragging my shoes against the wooden floor of the porch. “What do you want to know?”

“For starters?” She runs her fingers through her hair and then gestures outwards with one hand. “Why can’t you tell me what you do for a living? Outside of vague answers, I know nothing. You could be a drug lord or something.”

“Seriously?” I chuckle nervously. “It’s not that deep.”

“Do you work for the CIA?”

“You know how clumsy I am. In what world would that ever be a remote possibility?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugs, this time more intensely than the last. There’s a growing sense of frustration painted across her face. Her cheeks are flushed and her lips have pursed into somewhat of an annoyed pout. “Nobody I know is this secretive about their lives, especially not family.”

“Can we talk about something else?”

She sighs and drops her head. “I want to talk about this.”

“Right.” I push my tongue against my cheek and shake my head. There’s so much I want to tell her but I can’t. More than that, I don’t want her or anyone else worrying about me. I jump to my feet and rip the screen door open. “I’ve had enough of the outdoors for now.”

She’s right on my heels, following me into the house and through the living room. Her shadow stalks right behind me as I step into the kitchen and pour another glass of whiskey.

“Just tell me something. Anything. Just let me know that you’re okay.”

I grab the glass of alcohol and spin around to face her with a forced smile. “I’m okay.”

“That’s not good enough.”

I sit the glass down onto the counter before I can even bring myself to take a sip. Instead of enjoying my day off of work, I’ve found myself in somewhat of a confrontation with my sister and that’s never fun. Especially not when today was supposed to be a joyous occasion celebrating her pregnancy.

I take a few measured steps towards her until I’m able to hold her hand as I look into her eyes. “Some day in the future, I’m going to tell you everything. But today isn’t that day. It can’t be that day.”

She offers me a slight, gentle nod as if she finally understands me. “Just give me something. Just the tiniest breadcrumb and I’ll leave it alone.”

“What do you want to know?” I swallow a nervous gulp and await her response. I can feel my hands beginning to sweat against her hand so I pull away and take a step back. “Ask me one question that doesn’t involve a specific answer and I’ll answer honestly.”

She shrugs and purses her lips. “Just give me something.”

I exhale a hot cloud of air and gently close my eyes. I’m probably about to open up a can of worms here, but she’s right. I owe her at least something. “Let’s just say I work with dangerous people.”

“I knew it,” she shrieks and grits her teeth. “Are you involved with bad people?”

“No.” I shake my head adamantly. “The people I work with, they’re good people, but it’s a dangerous job.”

“Like… What kind of danger?” She drags the back of her palm against her forehead and lowers herself to take a seat at the small breakfast table. “How am I supposed to sleep at night now?”

I force out a chuckle from my throat and take a seat across from her. “It’s not that serious.”

“It sounds serious.” She stares right at me. “It sounds like you’re living a double life and that terrifies me.”

“Remember what we talked about earlier?” I reach across the small table and hook one finger into the strands of her hair to push it back behind one ear. “I’m your older sister and you shouldn’t worry about me.” I shrug with apathy, prepared to twist the truth just slightly. “And it’s not that dangerous, especially for me. My job is more along the lines of an office assistant, so I’m never actually in danger.”

“But the people you work with? They’re in danger?”

I think long and hard about how to answer that question and settle on the idea that it’s okay to stretch the truth, especially because it’s been unusually quiet at the agency these last few months ever since the twins came back from the Caribbean. “Nah…”