I wasn’t completely back to myself, but I didn’t feel scrambled anymore. I was more than ready to be out of the hospital once and for all. The poking, the prodding, the constant nurse interruptions, I was over it.

Everyone was there when I finally came out of the fog. Fox, Obi, and even Josh was there, all in the same room together. No one was bickering. At first, I thought I was seeing things, that my mind was playing tricks on me again, but I wasn’t. All of the people I loved most were there together.

I drifted in and out of sleep, but every time I woke up I saw their faces. Just like now. The three of them were gathered around the small portable hospital table, playing cards. It was funny watching them interact, knowing that it hadn’t been that long ago when they all hated one another.

“Hey,” I said with a scratchy voice. The back of my throat felt like someone had sharpened their knives against it.

They all flocked to me like I was road kill.

“You look better,” Fox said. There were dark circles under his eyes, probably from all the worrying. He gave me one of those sweet smiles, meant only for me. It was nice to see. Deep in the back of mind I wondered if he would ever forgive me. After running away, I thought he’d be more upset, not willing to see my side of things, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“I feel better,” I admitted, and I did. “When do I get to go home?” All eyes were still glued to me. That must’ve been the million-dollar question. It was hanging the air like a bad smell.

Josh took my hand in his, offering that comforting feeling that I longed for. “I was waiting for you to wake up.” His thumb brushed against mine. “I have someone I want you to meet. One sec,” he said and left the room quickly.

I looked up at my brothers for a hint, wondering if either of them knew what was going on. They stood there stoic, both of them with straight faces that wouldn’t tell me anything.

There was fluttering inside of my stomach as the anticipation washed over me.

A lady walked in with Josh and smiled at me. She was older, about the age of my mother. I shifted in my seat, adjusting myself onto my pillow. I gave Josh a silent look, hoping he’d understand the hidden questions I had, but he only smiled in return. “Gwen,” he spoke. “This is my mom, Beth.”

His mother?

“Hello, sweetheart,” the woman said. “Can you boys give us girls a couple of minutes?”

A couple of minutes?

I cleared my throat.

“We’ll be right outside the doors,” Obi told me. Then they filed out of the room, one behind the other, leaving me alone with a woman I didn’t know.

What could Josh’s Mom have to say to me?

I felt sort of on the spot.

I cleared my throat and hit the button on my bed so that I could raise my head up. It felt nice not to be chained up anymore, to have free reign with my hands. I hated that feeling of being confined.

“I know you’re probably wondering why I’m here, and even thinking that we shouldn’t be meeting for the first time under these circumstances. But I don’t mind.” The lightness of her voice was calming, much like Josh’s. “I’m happy to meet the girl who my son is head over heels in love with.”

I glanced down at my hands when I felt the heat creeping into my cheeks. I wasn’t used to meeting the parents. I’d never done it before, and she was right, I would’ve picked a much better place than a hospital to do it.

“I love him too,” I told her honestly.

“Yes. I can see that.” She moved a little closer to my bedside. “I used to be Registered Nurse, and spent many hours working in a place just like this. After being here, I can honestly say that I don’t miss it.”

I smiled. “I don’t like it much either.”

She gave me an understanding smile. “Your brothers were telling me that you’ve been feeling kind of bad lately. They said that your medicine doesn’t seem to be working anymore. They’re really worried about you, you know?”

Under my lashes I could feel the tears welling up. “I know. They worry a lot. And they’re right. The medicine makes me feel sluggish. I’m not even sure why I take it in the first place.”

“Well,” she pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m no doctor, but do you ever feel trapped in your mind sometimes, like your thoughts get jumbled?” I nodded. “Do you ever feel like you’ve had enough, and you’re ready to give up?”

The beeping of the machine next to me grew louder as I swallowed down the massive lump in my throat. I felt like I wanted to crawl in a hole, but my answer was yes. I gave her a small nod. I didn’t like feeling that way, but I couldn’t help it. Often times it would scare me, and I just wanted to sleep off the thoughts.

“It’s okay,” she took my hand, and I gladly accepted. She was kind, and I saw so much of Josh in her. The way she stood, the half-smile that showed a tiny gap just like his, and the sincerity in her voice. “It’s normal to feel like that sometimes, and I know it’s not easy, that’s why I wanted to tell you about this place that I know of. It’s in Seattle, real close to where my sister lives. A lot of kids your age visit.”

I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say, and I blinked heavily just waiting for it.

“You’d be away for about ninety days, and you’d be able to spend all your time focusing on you. They have some good exercises that they can teach you to help you build up good mental capacity. You’d be able to get away from home for a while, and get a break.”

A break sounded nice, but I wasn’t crazy. Surely the doctors wouldn’t think that I needed a suicide prevention house, would they?

No.

I shook my head.

She sat down on the bed next to me. “I know this sounds scary, and you’re probably thinking that you don’t need to go to a place like that. But, I wouldn’t recommend it to you if it weren’t the best place out there. It will be like a nice vacation. You’ll get to see a new city, focus on your health and well-being, and then you’ll get to come home practically brand new,” she explained. “It’ll feel like a vacation, and I don’t know about you but that sounds pretty good. I could use one of those myself.”

“I guess it doesn’t sound that bad. I’d like to get out of my house for a while, but I should talk about it with my brothers,” I told her.

“Of course,” she smiled. “You just let me know what you want to do. It was so nice to finally meet you. You’re a beautiful girl, and my Josh is lucky to have you.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

When she left the room, the boys came back inside, even Josh. By the looks on their faces, they already knew what she was going to discuss with me.

“You think I should go.” It wasn’t really a question, and I was speaking to anyone in particular. I just desperately wanted to hear what they had to say.

A round of nods went around the room, but it was Fox that my eyes were fixated on. “And you?” I asked.

“I think you should go, Little Bird. I think you’ll have a great time, and for once you won’t have to worry about us following you around like bodyguards.” He smirked. “You’ll get the freedom you’ve been wanting. And I promise you that when you come back, things will be different. No more overprotective brothers. No more pinning you down. You’ll be free to come and go as you please, and I guess that means you can see this guy whenever you want.” He hitched a thumb in Josh’s direction.

Oh, my heart couldn’t take it. The tears fell from my eyes, leaving salty streaks down my face.

When I looked up into Josh’s beautiful face, I never felt so loved. He was there for me when I was sick, and somehow managed to turn my life around. I was going to love that man for the rest of my life.

“What do you say?” Josh asked, before he leaned in to kiss me softly on the lips. “I’ll be right here with you,” he tapped my chest right above my heart.

“I’ll go.”

I was grateful for the escape, and the chance to get away and clear my head. The facility was scary at first. A part of me wanted to run for the hills after that first meeting with my psychiatrist. I didn’t though. I kept in constant contact with my brothers and Josh. They helped me see that I was strong enough to do it. I was strong enough to face my fears and stand on my own two feet.

After the first week, I developed a routine that seemed to work for me. I had learned more about myself in the seventy-nine days that I’d been there, then I had in eighteen years. I guess that’s what happens when you get to evaluate your life. You discover things about yourself that you never would have otherwise. I learned that I really love myself and I’m capable of loving others just the same. I learned that I had a passion for writing and may change my major because I fully intended to go back to school. I learned that my family loved me, even if they had a funny way of showing it. I learned that despite the odds that had been stacked against me, that I was still able to live a happy life, if that’s what I wanted.

That was exactly what I wanted.

With my final week dwindling down, I was ecstatic about going home. I missed everybody so much, and with the holidays coming, I just wanted to spend as much time with them as I could.

My doctor suggested that I write one final letter to someone who had impacted my life. He wanted me to continue pushing my feelings to the surface. He said that holding in my thoughts, my fears, and my feelings would be detrimental. It’s okay for me to be scared, but he said that I should be able to tell the ones that I love just how I feel.

My last letter was for Josh.

When my pen touched the paper, I couldn’t write fast enough. I missed him so much, and I wanted him to know just how I was feeling.

Dear Josh,

I can’t believe my time here is almost up. I know we’ve been apart for a long time, but my time at the center has felt short. I miss you like crazy. I think of you throughout my days, and long for the chance to kiss you again.

My therapist wanted me to tell you how much of an impact you’ve had on my life. It seems like lately, I talk about you more and more. You have and always will be a permanent fixture in my life.

You’ve impacted my life in many ways, but the biggest impression you left on my heart was the moment you said that you loved me. I know that it took me a little longer to process that information than you probably expected, but I’d never experienced a love like that before. You’ve been my rock, my friend, and my love. I can’t thank you enough for all you give me.

I’m grateful to your mother as well. It took me a while to get adjusted here, but I soon found out that this was the perfect fit for me. I can’t thank her enough. I can’t wait to tell her in person.

The biggest thing that I learned while being here is that I’m normal. Sometimes my brain tends to lead me astray, but I somehow find my way back. It helps knowing that I’ll see your face when I get there.

We talked about my parents today, but I’m still not sure what happened. The doctor told me that it would come with time, and that so long as I keep facing my fears, I’ll keep getting better.

I’d say I’m coming out of this place triumphant, and I feel like I owe that to you and your family.

I love you, Joshua Landon. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you and kiss you senseless. I miss your sweet touch, and that tiny little dimple. Give my brothers hugs for me, and tell them I’ll be home soon.

All my love,

Gwen

I sealed the envelope and dropped it in the outgoing mailbox. It was my last letter. I was going home.