Chapter 19

Janine

“I don’t think I can do this,” I tell Dash between pants, resting my head on the pillow as tears trickle down my cheek.

“Yes, you can.” He wipes my tears with a piece of tissue. “You’re the most amazing woman I know.”

I don’t answer, shaking my head.

I’ve only been pushing for five minutes but it feels like an eternity. My body is already stretched beyond its limit for pain and exhaustion, worn down by these past seven hours of labor.

Rolling waves of a visceral internal pain—like cramps driving a monster truck—crush me to a pulp every thirty seconds. No. It feels like that monster truck is in my hips, ripping and raging.

I throw my head back and roar, forgetting the rest of the world. I feel as self-conscious as a cave woman right now. “Ahhh, I don’t know how to do this!”

“Just relax, Janine,” the nurse on the other side of the bed says, touching my arm. “Breathe.”

I force a deep breath into my lungs.

“Now push!”

I grip the bedrail as I push with all my might.

Come on. Come on!

I crash down on the pillow, out of breath once more.

“Good job, Janine,” Dr. Liu praises, peeking between my legs. “Breathe. Rest. You’re going to push again in just a few seconds.”

More? I thought that last push was going to be it for sure.

“How much longer?” I beg, panting.

“You just have to keep pushing, Janine,” Dr. Liu says.

Easier said than done.

I look around the room, wishing there was something I could grab and hold as hard as I could during the pushing.

“Just hold on to me, Janine,” Dash offers.

“Let’s go, Janine,” Dr. Liu says.

I lift myself off the pillow and take another deep breath, gripping Dash’s hand as I push.

“You’re doing great, Janine,” Dash tells me.

The nurse rubs my back. “Almost there. Almost there.”

I let out a sob of frustration and fall back, running out of breath and energy. I don’t have any more left.

“I don’t know how much more I can take,” I whimper.

“Shh.” Dash strokes my hair. “You can do this, Janine.”

I shake my head, biting my lower lip.

“Think happy thoughts,” Dr. Liu suggests.

Happy thoughts? My mind can’t think of anything at all.

“Think of when we first met,” Dash suggests. “You know, when we reached for that same salted caramel cupcake.”

“Red velvet,” I correct, managing a grin.

“Husbands,” the nurse mutters. “They can never remember the important details.”

I chuckle. “Think of your sweet baby,” Dr. Liu says. “You’re going to meet him so soon.”

At the words, my thoughts drift to the nursery in the mansion, long prepared to welcome little Brandon Oliver. The moon, sun, stars and planets all paint the walls, ceiling, and windows, creating a dreamy, ethereal setting for our newcomer. A thick rug with blue and red rockets stretches across the floor. I think of the rocking chair in the corner. I think of my baby in my arms, in my mother’s arms. In Dash’s arms.

I sit up. “I’m ready.”

“Okay.” Dr. Liu leans forward. “Push, push, push, push, push, push, push!”

“Let’s bring your baby out!” The nurse pats me on the back as she grips my hand.

I nod, gathering every ounce of strength I have left to push. I only care about this baby. I don’t care about the pain anymore. Or how I look. Or anyone. Or anything.

Push, Janine.

“That’s it!” Dr. Liu encourages. “That’s it! Just a little more!”

I grip the railing and the nurse’s hand, feeling my knuckles go white. I push harder. Beads of sweat roll down my back, tears from my eyes.

“Push!” Dash urges.

I lift my head and squeeze my eyes shut, crying out as I push with everything I’ve got, with no regard for the aftermath or the consequences. I think of nothing but to push.

An infantile wail spits the air and I open my eyes. A giant wave of relief washes over me as I realize that it’s coming from my baby.

I crash on the bed, my chest heaving and my body shaking and sore from all the exertion.

I know I’m a mess. I’m well aware of the hair clinging to my cheeks. But I still don’t care.

It’s over. I’ve given birth to a baby boy.

“Great job, Janine.” Dash kisses the top of my sweaty head. “I’m so proud of you.”

As my baby boy is placed in my arms, all my exhaustion, all the pain of the past hours, evaporates. He turns towards me, snuggling against me and the nurse helps me to feed him. I stare at him, at his little, chubby cheeks and his little nose and his little mouth, holding him close to my heart. I overflow with a warmth I’ve never felt before, with a fierce sense of pride and indescribable joy.

And love. So much love.

How can such a little person fill my heart with so much love?

“Hey, little guy.” I hold Brandon’s tiny hand and bring it to my lips. “I’m your Mommy and I love you so much.” I glance at Dash. “Daddy’s here, too.”

Dash kisses the top of his head. “Welcome to the world, little guy.” He kisses the top of my head again. “I told you you could do it. You’re amazing.”

“I’m a mess,” I tell him, tucking sticky strands of hair behind my ear.

“You’re perfect,” he says, holding my head to his chest. “God, I never should have left you.”

The words take me by surprise, the warmth in my chest swirling like a flock of butterflies.

Dash strokes my hair. “I should have stayed in school and finished my degree. I should have stayed with you.”

“Yes, you should have,” I tell him, my eyes stinging with tears as I look down at our baby.

“I’ll never leave you again.” He squeezes my shoulder and plants a tender kiss on the side of my forehead.

I smile at the words, wiping my tears as I rest my head against Dash’s chest and stare at my newborn baby, my mind at peace, my heart brimming with joy.

This is the most perfect moment of my life and I just know I’ll never forget it for as long as I live.