Chapter 8
I heard Iván come in, not too long after I did. I was lying in the big, comfortable bed that he had bought, under the sheets that his cleaning lady washed and changed.
I wasn’t feeling much happier.
Benji had reported an improved day at school, mostly because the mean kid wasn’t there. A bunch of his classmates had apparently also gone and told the teacher how they had been mistreated by that kid, too. Benji didn’t feel like so much of an island on his own, so even though the kids weren’t wanting to hang out with him yet, things were better.
“What’s with you?” Joana had asked me as we did the dishes. “You’re so quiet tonight.”
“Do you think I’m a bad person?” I asked her.
“Yes, I can barely stand to be around you.” She bumped me with her hip. “What are you talking about, Maura?”
“I was just realizing some things about myself. Things I don’t like.”
“No one is without sin. You should read your Bible. But you don’t seem so bad to me. What happened?”
I shrugged, not wanting to tell her. I had started to talk quietly about other things instead, and thought for a long time on the way back to Iván’s apartment.
There was a soft knock on my bedroom door now, and I sat up.
“Maura?”
“I’m awake.” Iván pushed the door open and I flipped on the light on the table next to the bed. “You’re home early.”
“Julia started yawning halfway through dinner and Dylan got very worried. He almost carried her to the hotel.”
“That’s nice,” I said, my throat tightening again.
“I wish you could have come.” He walked into the room and sat on the end of my bed. I drew my knees up to my chin, and ran a hand down my hair, smoothing it.
“Benji had a better day. I think that kid may have gotten suspended.”
“I’m glad. Qué gilipollas,” Iván responded. I had learned that word as part of my Spanish lessons. It was very apropos.
“Julia said…” he began, and told me a story about her and some fun project she was working on. I watched his face in the lamplight, animated and happy when he talked about her.
“Do you have a thing for her?” I interrupted.
He froze a little. “A thing?”
“You know what I mean.” I shook my head. “Look, you don’t have to tell me.”
“No, it’s all right.” He ran his long fingers through his hair. “I used to. I used to have a little crush. When she and Dylan were just starting, I guess I did.”
“Yeah. I can tell.” I blinked and looked away.
“I don’t anymore,” he said quickly. “We’re friends, and she’s completely in love with Dylan. She always has been, since they were kids. They’re very suited. Well-suited,” he corrected himself.
“Ok.” I didn’t think he was being honest with me, but whatever. Maybe he wasn’t able to admit it to himself, either. I paused. “I was going to talk to you in the morning about something. Maybe I should just tell you now.”
“Your poor lip,” he said, and I realized that I was biting so hard it was going to bleed soon.
“Um, I talked to Joana today. Her cousin Levi is renting a room in his house. I’m going to take it.”
“What?” He sat up straight. “Why? Because of the stairs?”
“No.”
“The commute?”
“No, no.”
“Then what’s the matter? Why would you want to move out?”
“Nothing’s the matter. I mean, there is something the matter.” I tasted a little blood. “It was something Julia said.” It was hard for me to even say her name. What was the matter with me? “I realized that I haven’t been treating you very well.”
“Me?” He stared at me. “You’re worried that you’re not treating me well, so you want to move out? Julia told you this? She’s wrong. That’s ridiculous.”
“No, it isn’t. She was talking to me today about your retinue, all those people who hang on you and sponge off you, and how she doesn’t like them.”
“Yes? She has told me that many times before. What does that have to do with you?”
“I’m acting the same way. I’m using you too, and it’s terrible. I’m sorry.” I twisted the sheet in my hands so I wouldn’t reach out to him.
“How are you using me?” he asked, his voice quiet.
“I live here without paying you a red cent. I make you drive me around, bring me treats, give me swim lessons…I could go on and on about all the things you do for me, and I just take and take.”
“That’s not true. You don’t realize all you do for me as well.”
I was nodding. “No, it is true. You and Robin—”
He jumped up off the bed. “¡Me cago en Dios, Maura! Please don’t put me in the same sentence as him.”
“Listen to me! I took advantage of him and I’m—”
Iván suddenly loomed over me, furious. “You took advantage of that disgusting pedophile? Is that what you’re saying? That weak, pathetic piece of shit somehow made you think that you are the wrong one, the one to blame! He tricked you, a child, into loving him and depending on him and then he leaves you with nothing, and you feel guilty thinking that you treated him badly!”
I was scrambling backwards as he yelled and I went off the edge of the bed with a jarring thump. God damn it! I stood and felt the wall at my back. There was nowhere to go. I was trapped there.
Iván started to walk around the bed. “Maura, are you all right?”
“Don’t come any closer! Just stay over there.”
His jaw dropped. “No…I’m not going to hurt you.”
I knew he wouldn’t. Somewhere in my mind, I knew he wouldn’t. But I still held out my trembling hand to fend him off.
“Ok,” he said, his voice soft. He held up his hands too, as if in surrender. “It’s ok. I’m going to go. We can talk more in the morning.” He backed up as he said it, slowly and calmly.
I watched him warily. I had seen this trick before.
He reached the door and went through it. “We’ll talk more in the morning,” he said again, then closed it behind him.
I waited for a minute. You couldn’t hear footsteps on the carpet and I wanted to make sure he had really gone, that he wasn’t waiting just on the other side for me to approach and then he’d—
No. Not Iván. But I still waited, until I heard a noise on the other side of the apartment. Then I ran and locked the door, and just like I had done as a kid, I dragged over a chair and shoved it under the handle. Then, just like back then, I curled up in the bed, rocking a little, and tried to think of things to make myself go to sleep. I used to picture myself on the Santa Monica pier, going on the rides, playing in the sand, eating cotton candy. Now I pictured myself in Iván’s new house, with lovely furniture and curtains on the windows, my lamp on the table, the sounds children laughing and playing in the pool. I fell asleep with that running through my mind.
∞
“Hi,” I said the next morning.
“Hi,” he answered. He put both hands on the table, and then sat very still.
I held on to the back of a dining room chair. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “I’m sorry I freaked out. You wouldn’t ever…that must have felt terrible, like I was accusing you. I got too emotional. It was silly.”
“I lost my temper and scared you. I shouldn’t have yelled.”
“You’re allowed to act how you want in your own house,” I said.
“No, you’re not allowed to scare people, or hurt them, wherever you are,” he told me.
“I know you and I trust you. I treated you like I don’t. There’s something wrong with me, Iván.”
He shook his head. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m sorry that I yelled and that I frightened you so much. Can you forgive me?”
I realized I was crying when a tear dropped onto my t-shirt. “Maura,” he said, and held out his arms, and then I was sitting on his lap and crying into his shoulder. He did that thing of murmuring to me in Spanish and when I calmed down a little I realized that I understood some words and snatches of phrases. I kept trying to stop crying and my throat was so tight with the pressure of it that it hurt. I kept my head on his shoulder and gasped out another sob.
“I don’t want you to move out,” he said. “Please don’t.”
“I’m really sorry,” I finally managed to say into his neck. “I don’t want you to be mad at me.”
His hands were rubbing up and down my back and I felt him kiss my hair. “People get mad and fight. Then they make up. It’s just part of being human.”
“I don’t do very well with fighting.”
“Next time you and I will just discuss. I’ll keep my temper.” He rubbed my back more, and I relaxed. “I was more afraid that you would never forgive me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on your—”
I sat up and put my finger to his mouth to stop him. “No,” I said. “Let’s not talk about it anymore. Let’s just make up.”
I had never touched his face. I breathed in slowly, then I ran my fingertip over his lips. I touched his thick eyebrows and found, to my surprise, that they were soft. I traced over his cheekbones above his beard.
He looked into my eyes. “Maura.”
It was the tide again, drawing me to him. I couldn’t fight the tide. I cupped his face with my hands, and leaned forward.
The buzzer sounded from the intercom to the front door downstairs, loud and insistent. I leapt to my feet like someone had poked me with a pin.
Iván took a deep breath and blew it out. “That’s Dylan and Julia. I was going to tell you last night that they were coming over this morning.”
I looked down at my pjs, trying to organize my scattered thoughts. “I need to go get dressed. Have a nice day with them.”
“Can’t you come? I wanted to show you something.”
I hesitated. The thought of spending the day with Iván outweighed the problem of also spending it with the saintly, pregnant Julia who knew Iván so well.
“Go get dressed,” he said. “We’ll wait.”
When I came out they were all at the table. Iván, chewing, gestured to a seat beside him with a plate laid out in front of it.
“Hi, Maura,” Julia said. “I made some breakfast.”
Iván swallowed his mouthful. “She’s a great cook,” he said enthusiastically, and Dylan squeezed her shoulder.
Of course she was.
Julia flushed. “Iván was just telling us that you always get up early to make breakfast for you both.”
“Nothing like what you’ve done,” I said, gesturing at the omelets, the bacon, the bowl of cut up fruit. My smile felt way too tight. “I just always remember someone saying to me that a good breakfast is the best way to start the day.” That had been the mom at my favorite of all the houses I’d lived in, with the nicest, kindest foster parents in the world. When they’d moved to New Mexico to retire, I’d been bereft. They had tried to make sure I got a good placement and even tried to keep in touch with me, but I’d had to move on.
“Remember when we were at the pro meet in Charlotte?” Dylan was saying. “Almost all the swimmers were staying at the same hotel and they had an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet.”
Iván threw his head back and laughed. “I think you ate three loaves of bread making toast and used a jar of jam. The hotel probably went out of business after that meet.”
“You ate an entire pig,” Dylan countered. "I've never seen anyone consume so many pork products."
“Del puerco, hasta el rabo es bueno,” Iván told him. “Every bit of the pig is delicious. That’s a very famous saying. Not as much here as in Spain.”
I started laughing. “You really do love ham. We spent one whole Sunday going to different specialty shops until he found the kind he liked the best,” I said to Dylan.
Iván smiled at me. “You were very patient. Even though I don’t think you could taste a difference and you drank an entire liter of water along the way from the salt.”
And we’d had to stop so I could pee about five times because of it. I saw Dylan and Julia exchange another look. What the hell? I was a little done with them.
“When my mother comes, she’ll bring us a pig's leg,” Iván continued. “I know she’ll want to.”
“A pig’s leg?” I asked. “What would we do with it?’
“Hang it in the kitchen,” he explained. “Maybe in the pantry. There’s a little plastic cup, like an upside-down umbrella, to catch the grease as it drips down. I suppose it’s the fat.”
Julia was waving her hands around. “Ok, I’m not really morning sick anymore, but I can’t talk about that.”
“There’s no way your mom would make it through customs with a pig’s leg,” Dylan argued. “Does it still have the hoof on it? Hair?”
Julia pushed back from the table and ran down the hall. “On the left!” Iván called, and Dylan went after her.
I ate quickly and cleaned up the dishes with Iván’s help. Dylan came in partway through, and I handed him a glass of sparkling water. “This may help Julia,” I suggested. It always had with the mom in the one house I’d lived in when she felt queasy. After she had the baby, she really didn’t want all the foster kids around anymore, no matter how useful I’d tried to be.
“Thank you,” Dylan said as he took it. “Iván, don’t mention anything else about pigs.”
Julia was quiet and subdued as we left the building. Iván and I took the stairs and then he started to run down the extra flight to meet them in the underground parking garage. Usually he sat in the front seat of the car due to his long legs when Dylan drove, but I caught his arm. “Let Julia ride in the passenger seat if she’s still not feeling good.” He nodded.
Dylan stopped at the entrance to the garage and I hopped in the back with Iván. “Why don’t you go into the garage? Or the elevator?” he asked me.
“Just one of those things,” I answered. “I don’t like enclosed spaces.”
“Julia doesn’t like flying. She’s very brave, though, and she hangs in there,” Dylan commented, and she threw him a courageous yet shaky smile.
Maybe I had a medal somewhere that I could pin on her. “Yep, I guess I’m just not very brave.” I laughed a little as if I was joking.
“Have you ever tried breathing exercises?” Julia asked, all concerned. “They really help me. Dylan’s sister taught me. She had some pretty severe anxiety.”
“I’ll look into that.” Iván raised his eyebrows at me and I realized my tone was not the friendliest. I resolved to keep my mouth shut. I was still feeling all strange and emotional, off-kilter from our argument the night before and then what had happened that morning. What had happened that morning? When I closed my eyes, I just saw his lips.
Apparently Dylan had always had a desire to go to Coit Tower, the big white monument to firefighters on Telegraph Hill in San Francisco. Somehow, he even managed to find a parking spot in the lot.
“I’ve seen it,” I said, fully lying. “I think I’ll just stay out here and enjoy the view and the sunshine.” I tried not to let my teeth chatter as I said it. By my standards, it was freezing.
“I don’t want to go up either,” Julia announced. This led to some intense discussion between Iván and Dylan about whether she should go back to the hotel and lie down, if she needed to eat, drink, or just go immediately to the hospital.
“Holy heck, I’m fine!” she finally said sharply. “Go ahead and Maura and I will wait here.”
They finally left and Julia sat next to me. “Dylan is driving me a little crazy.”
“I think you’re lucky that he cares so much.”
She looked at me. “I am,” she agreed. “He gets very worried but he doesn’t know how to say it sometimes. He says stuff wrong, a lot. In the car, he didn’t mean that you’re cowardly or anything, Maura. I know that’s how it sounded.”
I shrugged. “It probably is just mind over matter. I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s ok with you.”
Suddenly Julia got all teary. Shit. “I know you don’t like me much, and I’m trying to fix it.”
“Julia, it’s ok. The three of you will still be friends after this trip, and I probably won’t see you and Dylan again, anyway.”
“Why not?”
“I’m most likely moving to LA. Maybe Sacramento.” It was a lot less expensive to live there, and I’d been looking at job listings. I thought Mikey could try his luck in a new city, if the authorities would let him go. If he was getting sent up again, I’d need to live somewhere cheaper to save money for the lawyers and the car I’d need to buy and maintain to go visit him.
“If you move, what about Iván?” she asked, looking concerned.
“It doesn’t have anything to do with him. I thought you would consider that good news. You won’t have to worry about me taking advantage of him, or that I’m going to fall in love with him and make his life miserable that way, or whatever you were trying to warn me about yesterday.” That last part came out very bitter.
“That’s not what I was trying to do.”
I bit my lip to stop myself from saying more. I felt I’d dug a deep enough hole.
“Maura, I’m sorry it sounded like that. I was concerned that maybe you were part of the retinue. Even though you didn’t act like it!” she added quickly. “Then after we talked, I worried that you were thinking that this was something long-term. Iván hasn’t been known for his lengthy relationships.”
“Listen, it’s ok. You’re certainly entitled to your opinions about me, and I assure you, you’re not the first to think the worst, often deservedly. Really, it’s fine. I’m not upset or angry at you, not at all.” I tried to smile. This wasn’t her fault and I was acting like a whiny little bitch.
“I just wish we could get along,”
I tried again for a smile. “I think we get along fine. Please, don’t spend another second worrying about me.”
When Dylan and Iván came back down, we were both sitting in silence. “What a view,” Iván said. “Maura, I was thinking that we should go to Alcatraz.” I nodded. Julia looked at the bench. “Come over and look at the ocean,” he told me, holding out his hand. We walked over to the edge of the parking lot. “Why does Julia look so upset?”
“She thinks I don’t like her.”
“That’s crazy.” His forehead furrowed. “Isn’t it?”
I took a moment before I answered. “I told her that we get along fine. She shouldn’t worry about what I think anyway.”
“She’s very sensitive.”
If I heard one more word about how wonderful Julia was, I was going to be the one vomiting, not her. “I’m sure she is.” I fought, hard, not to let the ugly jealousy spill out of my mouth. “I told you that she was afraid I was taking advantage of you.”
He put his hands on my shoulders. “And I told you, no.”
“She also warned me not to get attached to you.”
He got suddenly very stiff. “What?”
“She’s trying to protect you, Iván. She thinks I’m going to mess up your life. It made me upset, when she said those things yesterday. I understand her completely, but it was still difficult to hear. I tell Benji all the time, you don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you can get along. I’m getting along with Julia. Don’t push for more, though, ok?”
“I just thought that because I like her so much, you would, also.”
I took an abrupt step back. “Yes, I know how much you like her. You even went to Michigan to help her wonderful mother, that’s how much you like her! She’s courageous and sensitive and sweet and a great swimmer and a great cook, she’s having a baby, everyone loves her. You’ve made that very clear.”
“Wait a minute. Maura, you don’t think…” He stared at me.
“I think we should get off this stupid hill before we all freeze to death! Let’s go.” Oh, glory, I was an idiot. Now he knew. I turned to walk back to the car.
“I don’t feel that way about Julia. She’s my friend, and that’s all.”
I stopped walking, my back to him. “It’s none of my business, anyway. But you should try to hide it better. Eventually Dylan is going to notice and I would bet that he won’t like it.” I froze, then put my hand over my mouth. I couldn’t believe I had said something that nasty to him. “Iván, I’m sorry. You hide it very well. I’m sure that I’m the only one who notices it. It must be really hard to see her with your best friend and I don’t mean to make it worse.”
“Maura!” He took me by the arms, gently. He was kind of laughing. “You’re wrong about this.” He pulled me back to him, again, gently. “I don’t feel that way about Julia. She is my friend. Only my friend. And she isn’t perfect, either. No one is. Her backstroke is terrible.”
I knew he was trying to be funny. “Remember that you’re speaking to the dumbass who can barely put her face under. In any measure, except maybe our prowess at shoplifting, Julia is better than I am. Usually things like this don’t bother me, but she really is. She really, really is.”
His arms circled my waist and slowly I rested my hands on them. “I can see that, now. I wish you had told me before.”
“Told you that I’m upset that someone is awesome because it makes me feel like a failure and an idiot? Yeah, I was trying to keep that to myself. It kind of makes me feel even worse that now you know it too.”
“I used to lose to Dylan, all the time. It bothered me quite a bit.”
“Really? I looked at your record against him and it was almost even. Not that I was wondering.”
He laughed quietly against my hair. “That’s because he’s older than I am. In the last few years of his career, I got faster, he got slower. But for a long time, I was only coming in second. We were friends and I was happy for his success, but that was hard. Not fun, not at all. The only person I told was my mother. I would call her and complain for hours, then I would go and swim some more.”
“Are you telling me to shut up and swim?”
“No.” He turned me around. “I’m telling you that I understand how you’re feeling. I wish I could convince you that you’re wrong, but I understand.”
“Let’s go back to the car. Maybe you can drop me off at the apartment so you won’t be saddled with Miss Sourpuss all day.”
“What? That expression I don’t know.”
“I mean, you won’t have to be stuck with me and my bad attitude ruining your day with your friends.”
He put his arm around me and we walked toward the car. “I’d rather be with you than be with them.”
I knew it was childish, but it made my heart feel lighter. “Really?”
“Really,” he said, and trilled the R. I laughed and he pulled me closer to him. “By the way, prowess at shoplifting?”
“Yeah, I wasn’t always the clean-cut person I am today. I would have ended up just like Mikey, in juvie then jail, if my sixth-grade math teacher hadn’t taken an interest in me. She pretty much saved me.”
“How?”
“She got me into reading, and into school. She made me feel like I was smart and I could do something other than what I had been doing, stealing and cutting class. She changed my life.”
“Did you ever tell her that?”
“No,” I answered. “I moved to a new school the next year, and that was it. I never saw her again. I told you I don’t like ties to the past. I move forward.”
“Even from the good things?”
I shrugged under his arm. “That’s how I roll. Where do you want to go next?”
Iván sighed. “Over the bridge. I told you I want to show you something. Let’s go.”