Chapter Forty-Two

 

 

 

 

Simon

 

 

 

 

 

I cracked open my eyes and immediately slammed them shut when it felt like the light was burning my retinas. I let out a low groan and rolled to my side.

“Feeling the rum now, huh?”

I lifted my head and saw Jones sitting in an armchair with a coffee mug in her hands. I looked around and realized I was at her house and on her couch. I’d met her and Nick in that same spot the night before and we’d driven out to a new bar together.

“How much rum did I drink?”

Jones snorted into her cup as she took a drink. “Enough that you almost threw your ex-girlfriend to the ground and tried to knock her date out.”

“What?” I sat up quickly and felt my brain rattle in my head. “I what?”

“You don’t remember seeing Megan last night?”

I closed my eyes as I searched my memory and a hazy memory of her laughing appeared. “Was she in a blue dress?”

“Yeah,” Jones replied with a nod. “And on a date.”

Images of the night before assaulted me. Of Megan in a beautiful blue dress. Megan dancing with another guy. Megan throwing her head back and laughing. Megan wrapped up in that guy’s arms as they kissed passionately. Megan standing in front of the guy as she defended him. Megan shoving me. Megan yelling at me to stay out of her life.

“Fuck,” I whispered as I dropped my head to my hands.

Jones chuckled from her seat. “Drunk Owens is definitely not over her. You were ready to kill that guy for touching ‘your girlfriend’.”

I scrubbed my hands down my face and let out a long sigh. “Is she okay?”

“She sent me a text last night. She’s upset but otherwise fine.”

“Does she hate me?” I looked up at Jones and she just stared at me for a moment.

“Of course she doesn’t hate you. She loves you, dumbass.” I watched as she stood from the chair. “But do you know how long it took for her to get to where she doesn’t cry about you anymore? She didn’t even tell me she was going on a date because she was so apprehensive about it. And then she finally gets to where she’s okay, to where she was allowing herself to have fun, and you…” Jones shook her head as she walked towards her kitchen. “You’ve undone all of her progress. It’s even worse now because she thought you were over her but you proved otherwise last night.”

I wasn’t even close to over Megan. I missed her every day and the pain was getting worse rather than better. I’d tried everything to get over her but nothing worked. I’d even tried going home with a badge bunny a month or so before but I couldn’t get my dick on board. Everything about her was the opposite of Megan from her artificial perfume to artificial breasts, and she’d been pissed when I left her place without fucking her.

“I’m going to go home, Jones,” I said as I stood from the couch. “I’m sorry about last night but thanks for letting me crash here.”

She nodded as she reappeared with her mug full. “Want some coffee to go?”

“Nah. See you tomorrow?”

“0700,” she confirmed and I waved as I closed her door behind me.

I groaned when I parked my truck and saw that my parents were at our place. Both Alex and Stacey’s cars were out front along with Phil’s truck. I trudged to the door and mentally prepared myself for the onslaught when I opened it.

The living room was empty, though, and it sounded like everyone was out on the patio. I rejoiced and grabbed some water and ibuprofen before heading down the stairs. I showered the smell of the bar off of me, pulled on some shorts, and crawled into bed. I laid there for more than thirty minutes as I replayed the night before in my mind. The anger and sadness on Megan’s face as she yelled in the parking lot had been heartbreaking.

I reached over to my nightstand and grabbed the picture frame that had been face down for months. As I turned it over, Megan’s smiling face stared back at me as she and I posed at my promotion ceremony. Happiness radiated from both of us and I instantly felt worse. I reached over to my nightstand and opened the drawer so I could drop the picture in there. I slammed it shut with more force than I needed and shut my mind off so I could go to sleep.

“Simon.”

I snapped my eyes open and turned my head towards the stairs. Megan was standing near the bottom of them with her arms folded across her chest. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a purple, long-sleeved shirt and her gorgeous hair fell just past her shoulders. Although her face was neutral, her body language was almost hostile.

“Megan.” I glanced at the clock and saw it was shortly after three, meaning I’d slept about five hours. “Is everything okay?”

She stared at me for a moment and I could tell she was trying not to cry as she blinked her eyes quickly. She finally shook her head before speaking.

“Not really. Your behavior last night was…” She released a sarcastic laugh. “I don’t even think there’s a word for it.”

I nodded and ran a hand through my messy hair in frustration. “Babe, I know…”

“No.” Megan interrupted me with another shake of her head. “I’m not your babe. I’m not your Megs. I’m not… I’m not yours.” Her voice broke on the last word and she wiped a tear that fell down her cheek.

She stepped forward and handed me a small box. “I think we need closure so this is my way of getting it. Please, Si… Let me heal. Let me get over you. I’m so sick of being sad all of the time. I’m so sick of missing you. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to be broken anymore.”

Her cheeks were wet as she cried and all I wanted to do was pull her into my arms. I moved to do just that and she shook her head.

“Don’t.”

It was the same thing she’d said to me that last night at her apartment but instead of trying to keep me, she turned and fled up the stairs.

The door to the basement closed and I let my head drop. My chest burned and I stared at the box she had handed me. Her closure. I pulled the lid off and looked at the contents for a moment. Inside the box was the necklace I’d given her for Christmas and my dad’s masonic ring that I’d given her for her birthday. I replaced the lip and dropped back to my pillow.

I don’t know how much time had passed before the basement door opened and someone walked down the stairs slowly. I rolled over and saw my mom as she hit the bottom stair. She offered me a small smile and I sat up as she took a seat on the edge of my bed.

“She looked miserable.” I didn’t reply as I just stared at my mom and she smiled. “She’s not the only one, though.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She narrowed her eyes and shifted so we were looking directly at each other. “Well, you know what? I do. I’ve left you alone, Simon, but I’m sick of this. As someone who has lost a spouse to the job, I think I’m pretty qualified to have an opinion here, aren’t I?”

“Yeah?” Anger surged through my veins. “I lost my father so you’re not the only one who knows what that’s like.”

“And if I’d never fallen in love with that man who died, you wouldn’t be here.”

Her words hit me square in the chest and I just stared at her as she nodded.

“I was with your father for fifteen amazing years, Simon.” She reached over and grabbed my hand. “For twelve of those years, I got to see him be the most fantastic father. I have pictures and video of twelve Christmases, twelve Halloweens, twelve Thanksgivings, and countless birthdays that all include you boys. The joy in those images was even more perfect to witness in person.”

“Do you remember how much it hurt when we lost him, Mom?”

My mother nodded. “Every single day. It will never stop hurting. But would you have rather that we never knew him instead? The pain you’re feeling right this moment, would you trade those five months you had with Megan if it could go away?”

I shook my head immediately. “Never.”

“Think about that. In the meantime, I have something you should read.” She stood from the bed and handed me an old, weathered envelope. “I thought about showing this to you sooner but you weren’t showing any emotion. You weren’t ready. You are now.”

I stared down at the envelope in my hands as my mom walked back upstairs. On the front, faded ink read ‘My Carol.’

I carefully pulled the lined paper out and felt my stomach clench when I saw my father’s scrawl written all of it. I unfolded it slowly, not wanting to rip or damage the proof that my father existed sixteen years before.

 

Dear Carol,

 

My love. My wife. My everything. If you’re reading this letter, then the unthinkable has happened. What we dread everyday has come true and I’m gone, leaving you and our boys alone. I know we’ve talked about contingency plans and worst case scenarios, but I also realize that none of that has helped prepare you for this moment. I know you, Carol, and I know you’re in pieces right now. Fall to pieces, sweetheart- you’re allowed.

As devastated as you may be right now, I know you’ll be okay. You’re a strong woman, the strongest I’ve ever known, and I still can’t believe that you were mine. I think back to that day that I saw you in the grocery store, struggling to reach the box of oatmeal. Before I could step forward to help, you’d brought half of the shelf down on top of you. I thought for sure you were hurt but… you sat on the floor laughing. That was the moment I knew I was going to marry you. That was the moment I fell in love with you.

For as much pain as you are in now, I can’t be sorry. I am not sorry because we had more than fifteen years to love each other and that’s a lot more than some people get. We have two amazing boys who are the perfect mix of the both of us. We built a life together and I would do it all again, even if the outcome was the same.

Tell Simon that he’s allowed to be sad. He doesn’t have to hold it together or be the man of the house. I know he’s suffering in silence because he’s very much your son. He should let it out, be sad, and remember that life holds far more happiness than sadness. Tell him I’m proud of him, whether he decides to play in the MLB or goes on to be a Firefighter.

Tell Alex that he’s stronger than he thinks he is. I know he’s going to be more vocal about his emotions and pain. Remind him that it’s okay and he’s allowed to be sad, but it’s okay to smile at the memories, too. Remind him that I’m proud of him and that I truly believe he can be an astronaut if he really wants to.

They’re both great boys, Carol. They’re going to be perfect husbands and fathers one day and I’m just sad I won’t be able to see it. Remind them of how much I loved them, okay? Remind them that I was proud to be their father and for the love of God, don’t let them be cops!

Speaking of cops, lean on Phil. He won’t show it, but he’s sad, too. You two need each other and I know he’ll be there for the boys. He’ll take care of you all. Tell that sorry son-of-a-bitch that I loved him, too, will you?

I love you, Carol. I love everything about you. The way you smile when you cook, the way you chew on your lip when you’re thinking, the way you cringe when the boys are muddy, the way you sing to them at night, the way you snore when you’re exhausted, the way you leave notes in our lunchboxes, the way you refuse to break eye contact first, and the way you love with your entire heart.

Don’t be afraid to love again, Carol. Your life isn’t over, honey, and you have too much love to offer to keep it to yourself. You might not find a love like ours and that’s okay, but there are so many different types of love. Just make sure he treats you and my boys the way you should be treated.

If I have one regret about our life, it’s that I didn’t kiss you enough. I would go back in time and kiss you more often if I could. I’d kiss you while you’re in the middle of telling me a story or as you’re reading on the couch. I’d pull the car over on the side of the street just to steal another kiss more often. I’ve vowed to myself to kiss you more as soon as I stuff this letter away but it doesn’t make up for the kisses I’ve missed.

Otherwise, I have no regrets. I hope that you don’t either. The pain will lessen but our happiness won’t. Our memories will never go away. Thank you for being my wife. Thank you for being the mother of my children. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for being the love of my life.

I love the three of you more than I can put into words. Smile for me. We’ll see each other again one day but until then, I’ll meet you in your dreams.

Love, Marty

 

I carefully folded the letter back up, using the same creases as before, and tucked it back into the envelope. As I stared down at it, my eyes found the box that was on my nightstand and I pulled the lid off again. I picked up the ring and dropped my head to my pillow as I inspected it.

The first memory I had of the ring was when my father had let me hold it while having a cavity filled.

“It has super powers, Simon,” he said with a grin on his face. “If you hold onto it tight enough, the powers will transfer to you and you’ll be protected.”

From there on out, that ring was the source of my courage. If I got hurt, Dad immediately handed it to me. If I was nervous, he handed it to me. Even after he died, I’d wear it during big tests, big games, and days when I just needed to feel courageous. But as I lay in my bed holding it just then, I felt like a coward.

My father would be so ashamed of me. He’d known that he could die and leave us all hurting but he never abandoned my mother they way I’d abandoned Megan. He would have never been as weak as I was.

Mom was right. I wouldn’t trade the moments I had with my father for anything. I’d endure that soul shattering pain again if it meant I had just one more day with him. The pain I was feeling in that moment, I would take it all again for the chance to hold Megan to my chest while she laughed during a movie. I wasn’t even giving her the opportunity to decide if she thought I was worth the risk. I’d made the decision for her.

I jumped out of bed and dressed as quick as I possibly could before pocketing the box Megan had handed me. I stuffed my feet into my sneakers, grabbed my phone, picked up the envelope, and rushed up the stairs. I almost ran over Phil as I pushed open the door and he looked at me with wide eyes.

“Where’s the fire?”

I shook my head quickly and took a few steps towards the living room, thrusting the envelope towards my mother as I did. “I need to find Megan. I fucked up.”

“Attaboy,” Phil yelled behind me and my mom nodded in agreement.

“Be prepared to grovel, Simon.”

I just grinned as I twisted the doorknob to the front door. My brother calling my name stopped me before I moved out to the porch.

“What?”

Alex smiled from where he was standing with everyone else and shook his head. “She’s at her mom and dad’s. She picked up the kids when she was here an hour ago.”

“Thanks, Al,” I called as I ran to my truck. I stuck the key in the ignition and pulled away from the curb quickly. Megan’s childhood home was about twenty minutes from our place and I spent the whole trip beating on the steering wheel nervously. I didn’t know what Megan would say or if she’d even listen. I was also slightly afraid that James or Kelly was going to kick my ass.

I let out a long sigh when I finally pulled up in front of the red brick home. Both Megan’s SUV and Kelly’s car were already there and I felt nervous adrenaline run through my veins as I pushed my door open. I jogged up to the front door and pressed the doorbell once.

I straightened my shoulders as I heard someone approached and Kelly appeared when the door opened. She didn’t say anything to me as she stared at me for a really long moment. Finally, she nodded.

“It’s about time.”

Kelly gestured for me to follow her and I closed the door behind me before doing just that. She led me to the back door and but stopped when we got there. I stared out into the backyard and watched as Megan, James, Hudson, and Kendra tossed around a nerf football while Renee watched. Kendra threw it to Megan and the throw was really off, but Megan still made a dive for it. She ended up on her stomach in the grass as she just laughed, causing her beautiful face to light up.

“Don’t go out there if you’re not in it for the duration, Simon,” Kelly said quietly. I turned my head and she was staring at me. “The pain she’s been in these past few months has been hard to even witness. She tries to hold it together but I can see the sadness in her eyes. You can hear the emptiness in her voice. She’s just now finally improving so don’t do this unless you’re planning on making it forever.”

I nodded and turned from Kelly so I could watch them play. “I want her to be my wife. I want to have children with her that have her kind heart and smart mouth. I want to make as many memories with her as I can because a life without those isn’t a life at all. I’d never intentionally hurt Megan, Kel. I really thought I was doing what was best for her and I realize how idiotic that was.”

“Good answer.” She gestured to the backyard. “Go get your girl. Make her happy. Please.”