Chapter Eighteen
Tamsin
I don’t remember falling asleep. I remember lying in Daniel’s arms and smelling the clean male scent of him, and feeling safe and protected and cherished.
The next thing I know, a shaft of sunlight hits my face and I’m blinking.
I’m still in Daniel’s arms, and I don’t ever want to move.
He’s still asleep. His breathing is deep, his expression relaxed.
And God, he’s handsome.
I replay everything that happened last night, from the incredible kiss up against my door to the best orgasm I’ve ever had. Daniel made me feel so good the echoes are still reverberating in my body.
I’m in a golden haze of sunlight and pleasure. I’m also more awake with every passing second, and the only thing I can think about is making Daniel feel the way I did last night.
If he’s like most guys, he’s halfway hard right now. All I have to do is slide down his body, lower his boxers and—
Daniel surges up with a gasp. His body spasms, his legs jerking toward his chest, and one of his knees cracks me on the chin.
I tumble off the bed and land on my butt.
The pain in my face is so intense I wonder for a second if I’ve fractured something.
I lie where I fell, stunned. And then Daniel is there, kneeling in front of me, his expression frantic.
“Holy shit, I’m so sorry. Where did I hit you? My God, Tamsin, I’m so sorry.”
My hand goes to my chin. Daniel’s hands follow and he feels around gently.
“Can you open your mouth? Can you move your jaw from side to side?”
I do.
“Can you talk?”
“I…” I pause and try again. “Yes, I can talk.”
My eyes well up with tears.
It’s not just the pain. It’s the shock.
I’m staring at Daniel, and he looks like he got hit in the face too.
“Ice,” he says. “I need to get you some ice. Is there a kitchen on this floor?”
I nod, and the movement is enough to make my tears overflow. “Down the hall to the left.”
He doesn’t even stop to put on his jeans. He goes out into the hall in his boxers.
I’m still naked. I stumble to my feet and go over to the bureau, and by the time Daniel comes back I’m in a T-shirt and sweatpants and sitting on the edge of my bed.
He’s got some ice cubes in a Ziploc bag. He comes over and kneels down in front of me, and when he holds the ice to my face I take it from him.
The bag is wet and cold and my face hurts so much and Daniel looks miserable and everything is terrible.
“Tamsin, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s my fault,” I mumble. “I should have waited until you were awake before I—”
“It’s not your fault. You were being sexy and amazing because you are sexy and amazing. I’m the one who’s fucked up. I should never have tried this. It was a mistake, and I—” He shakes his head. “It was a mistake.”
My heart squeezes in my chest.
A mistake. The best night of my life, a mistake.
I lower the ice bag. “So on top of kicking me in the head, you’re also breaking up with me?”
When I hear my own words, I hate myself.
“Not that we were going out,” I add bitterly. “I mean, we can’t break up if we’re not going out.”
“Tamsin—”
The tears are flowing freely, and I use my free hand to wipe them away.
“That’s what I said, right? No strings, no relationship necessary. Just sex. A teacher-student thing.” My chin and jaw are throbbing and it hurts to talk. “I guess I’m a really sucky teacher, huh?”
Daniel is still on his knees. “Tamsin. Tamsin. You’re an amazing teacher. The problem is, you shouldn’t have to teach me anything. I’m the one who’s a fucked-up freak.”
He’s not a freak. But maybe he does need some help to figure out what’s going on.
“Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?”
At this point, I’m just trying to keep him here. To keep him talking to me. Because once our conversation is over, so is our relationship.
Not that we’re in a relationship, of course.
But the more we talk, the more I feel him pulling away.
“I’m not interested in therapy.” He looks away from me, frowning. “I have to go.”
I open my mouth to say something else. Anything else.
But then I slump down, my shoulders sagging. What’s the use? More importantly, where is my pride? If Daniel wants to go, he should go.
“Okay,” I say.
Daniel was starting to get to his feet. Now he stops and kneels down again, taking my free hand in both of his.
“I’m sorry this didn’t work out. I’m sorry I hurt you. Like, literally hurt you. But you should know it’s a lot worse for me than it is for you.”
Last time I checked, I was the one with the bruised face and on the receiving end of the breakup.
Not that we were ever a couple.
“Yeah?” I say. “Why’s that?”
“Because I’m in love with you.”
My heart flies out of my body.
Daniel looks at me for a moment, his dark blue eyes burning into mine. Then he gets up, goes around to the other side of the bed, and starts to put on his clothes.
I turn my head to watch him, holding the bag of ice to my face again. Neither of us says a word.
Once he’s dressed, he walks to the door. He stops with his hand on the knob and turns to look at me.
“Goodbye, Tamsin.”
And then he’s gone.
* * *
I’m sitting exactly where I was when Daniel left. I don’t know how much time has gone by, but all the ice in my Ziploc bag has melted.
There’s a knock on the door. Before I can wonder if it’s Daniel, I hear Rikki’s voice.
“Is everyone decent? Can I come in?”
“Yes.” My voice comes out as a kind of croak, and I try again. “Yeah, it’s cool. Come in.”
Rikki opens the door.
“So how did it go with Daniel? Are you guys—” She stops. “What the hell happened to your face?”
I shake my head. “It’s a long story.”
Rikki crosses the room and plops down next to me on the bed.
“I’ve got time and you’ve got bruises. Start talking.”
And so I tell her everything.
Rikki’s a really good listener, and she doesn’t say a word until I’m done. When I get to the part where Daniel said he’s in love with me, though, her eyes get big.
“Wow,” she says.
“I know.”
“I mean, wow.”
“I know.”
“What are you going to do?”
I scoot back on the bed so I’m sitting with my back against the wall.
“You’re supposed to tell me. The point of me going through this story was so you could give me sage advice.”
Rikki shakes her head slowly.
“I’ve got nothing. On the one hand, Daniel is a good guy and he had the good taste to fall in love with you. But on the other hand, he’s got some issues and he said you can’t be together. This seems like a really high maintenance situation and I know you wanted to focus on your classes and acting this semester.”
“You’re right,” I say.
Yet even as I acknowledge it, the tears start flowing down my cheeks again.
Rikki gets off the bed. Then she sits down again, right next to me this time, and puts an arm around my shoulders.
“What are you thinking?” she asks softly. “What are you thinking right now?”
“I’m thinking…I’m thinking…” I take a deep breath. “I don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“What are you feeling?”
As soon as she asks me that, I know.
“I’m in love with him. I’m in love with Daniel Bowman.”
Then I put my head on Rikki’s shoulder and sob.
* * *
It’s a day to do nothing. It’s a day to lie in bed and lick my wounds, the literal ones and the figurative ones. And since it’s Sunday, I ought to be able to do exactly that.
But in a cruel move by the universe, the audition for Romeo and Juliet is this afternoon. My heart is in shreds and I look like I’ve been in a boxing match, and I have to go and pretend to be a pure, innocent thirteen-year-old experiencing first love.
I do have a few hours to wallow in my misery, and Rikki makes the most of them. She brings me tea and hot buttered toast, she fluffs my pillows and tucks my comforter around me, and she makes me take Advil. She also plays Yahtzee with me until it’s time to get ready.
It’s a good thing I own stage makeup, because I need it to cover up the spectacular bruise on the right side of my chin and jaw. I go simple on everything else, figuring that’s right for Juliet, and by the time Charlie comes by I’m ready to go.
Rikki wishes us luck and we head out.
Charlie and I go through our scene as we cross the quad to the theater.
“I hope you do better when we’re on stage,” is his encouraging response.
“I’m sorry. I’m distracted right now, but I’ll get over it. I promise I won’t let you down.”
Now I have to keep that promise. Not just for Charlie, but for myself, too. I love acting, I love Shakespeare, and I want to play Juliet in this production.
There’s a crowd of theater students backstage when we get there, waiting to be called. Charlie and I head for one of the dressing rooms and find Izzy there.
“I thought you weren’t going to audition for this,” Charlie says.
“I changed my mind. I’ve been thinking about trying comic roles, and I figured the Nurse would be a move in that direction. I’m going to give it a shot, anyway.” She puts her tote bag on the makeup counter and fishes around in it. “Plus, I brought something for Tamsin to wear.”
“We’re not doing costumes.”
“I know. This is just an accessory.”
She pulls out a blue velvet jewelry bag and hands it to me.
I turn it upside down over my palm, and a net of crystals spills out.
The crystals have been threaded onto thin black wire. Izzy picks it up, holds the edges between her thumbs and forefingers, and lays it on my head like a little cap.
When I look into the mirror, the black wire disappears against my hair. All I see are the crystals, sparkling like stars in the night sky.
“Oh, Izzy. It’s beautiful.”
She smiles at me in the mirror. “I know, right? My cousin had this whole Romeo and Juliet theme at her wedding, and all the bridesmaids wore these. They’re actually called Juliet caps.”
“A Romeo and Juliet themed wedding? Did the bride and groom kill themselves at the end?”
Izzy laughs. “That’s exactly what I said to my mom when we were getting ready. She told me to shut up and be polite.”
I reach up and touch one of the crystals. “It’s too nice to wear at an audition. I’m worried something will happen to it.”
Izzy shakes her head. “It’s not valuable. It’s really just fancy costume jewelry. But it looks beautiful on you, and you should wear it.”
“Okay, you’ve convinced me.”
Charlie grins. “She didn’t have to work too hard, huh?”
I stick my tongue out at him. “Have you checked the schedule? When are we up?”
“About ten minutes.”
Izzy looks at her watch. “I’ve got almost an hour to wait. I think I’ll go to the kiss-and-cry.”
That’s what we call the back of the house on audition days. Friends who’ve come to support you sit there, and once your scene is over you join them to grouse about how bad you were and let them contradict you.
“Who’s out there today?” I ask. “I know Claire and Rikki can’t come—they’re both working shifts at the library.”
“Julia said she’d stop by. And I saw Daniel on my way in.”
I blink.
“You saw…Daniel?”
“Yes.”
“Daniel Bowman?”
“Yes.”
“From Experiments in Drama?”
Izzy stares at me. “Yes, Tamsin. Daniel Bowman from Experiments in Drama. Also known as Daniel Bowman, the guy you’ve gone on two dates with. I assumed he was here because of you. Is everything okay with you guys?”
She and Charlie are both staring at me, and I hope the heavy foundation I’m wearing conceals my blush as well as it conceals my bruise.
“I didn’t know he’d be here. I’m just surprised, that’s all.” I grab Charlie’s hand and pull him to the door. “We should get up there.”
I told Charlie I wouldn’t let him down. But as we’re waiting in the wings for the stage manager to call our names, my heart is pounding and I’m not thinking about our audition at all.
I peep around the edge of the curtain to look out into the audience. And there, sitting with the other students in the kiss-and-cry, is Daniel.
Izzy was right. He’s here.
There are two Mercutios to go before Charlie and I are up. I pull out my phone and start to type.
What are you doing here?
His response comes pretty quickly.
You’re an amazing actress, you deserve this role, and I’m here to support you.
I stare down at my screen for a good ten seconds. It’s dark backstage, and my glowing phone makes a little halo of light as I stand between black velvet curtains.
Finally I type,
I’m glad you came. Will you meet me after the audition?
His reply comes immediately.
Yes.
I press the phone to my heart for a few seconds. He’s here at my audition. He wants to talk afterward.
The world has gone from pit of misery to glorious possibility in the space of an instant.
When the stage manager calls my name and Charlie’s, I go out onstage feeling like a young woman who can’t wait to meet the man she loves.
In other words, I feel exactly like Juliet. And when Charlie speaks his first words as Romeo, it’s not his face I see.
It’s Daniel’s.