Chapter Nineteen
Daniel
I can’t let go of my phone.
Tamsin doesn’t hate me. I haven’t completely fucked things up.
After I left her dorm this morning, I went to church. I was sick of myself, so I tried not to think of myself at all, but only of God.
There’s a part of the liturgy called Prayers of the People. The congregation kneels down and we pray for the Church, for the world, for the nation, for those who are sick and those who have died.
There’s something about praying for other people that puts your own problems in perspective. It’s not that they go away. But you remember that suffering is part of the human condition, and that it’s our job to help each other and comfort each other.
After church, I took a long walk. I thought about Tamsin. And I decided that she’s someone I want in my life, no matter what.
Yeah, it’s complicated. We can’t be a couple, but I’m in love with her. I want her so much it’s hard to think about anything else when I’m around her.
I don’t blame myself for that. There’s nothing wrong with what I feel for Tamsin—only with letting those feelings hurt her.
Sure, I wish we could have a relationship. But how much more evidence do I need that I’m not ready for that?
The reality is, I’m fucked up. But I don’t have to let that affect Tamsin. I can be her friend, which is what I should have been all along. It was my own selfishness that screwed things up.
Then, as I was walking across campus, I saw a poster for the Romeo and Juliet audition.
Tamsin is auditioning for Juliet. A friend would go and support her.
So that’s what I’m doing.
When her text comes, I tell myself just to be the friend that Tamsin deserves.
What I get back is more than I deserve.
She wants to talk. She’s going to give me a chance to fix things.
Then, a few minutes later, she and Charlie come on stage.
She so beautiful my throat aches. She’s wearing jeans and a white silk blouse, and there’s something in her hair that sparkles like diamonds. I don’t see a bruise on her chin, which either means I didn’t hit her as hard as I thought or that she’s wearing really heavy makeup.
I want to look at her forever, which should be my first clue that being just friends will be harder than I’ve admitted to myself. But it’s not until she speaks that everything I’ve been thinking for the last few hours falls apart.
Charlie is gay. But as he and Tamsin declare their feelings, as they kiss with the passion of two teenagers in love, I feel a surge of jealousy that’s stronger than poison.
I’m jealous of a gay man. Jealous of a fictional character. Jealous of anyone that Tamsin looks at that way, talks to that way, kisses that way.
Because eventually, it won’t be another actor on stage. It’ll be for real, and it will kill me.
The scene is almost done. Tamsin kisses Charlie again and says,
“My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep. The more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.”
In that moment, Tamsin embodies Juliet. Her youth and innocence, her passion and sweetness, her generosity and radiant joy.
She deserves a Romeo, and someday she’ll find one. But if I thought for one second I could be friends with her and watch that happen, I was fooling myself.
I stay until the end of her scene. I don’t want to distract her by leaving. But as soon as she and Charlie exit the stage, I’m gone.
Tamsin texts me as I’m crossing the quad.
Where are you?
I keep walking as I text back.
I couldn’t stay. I made a mistake. But you were incredible in that audition, and if you don’t get the part it’s a crime. I’ll see you in class Tuesday night.
A few minutes go by with no response. Then,
Are you fucking kidding me?
I wince.
I’m sorry. I understand if you hate me.
As I send that text, I don’t know what kind of response I expect to get back. But as the minutes tick by, I realize there won’t be any response at all.
Which is probably just as well.
Not to mention what I deserve.
* * *
An hour later I’m in my room with the door shut, trying to concentrate on engineering problems. Trace and Beeker are out, and when I hear a knock at the front door I ignore it. I’m not expecting anyone, and if they’re here to see one of my housemates they’re out of luck anyway.
I’ve got to finish this project. It’s due on Tuesday, and I’ve got football practice and a scrimmage tomorrow afternoon. But all I’m doing is staring at my computer screen when I hear a noise like tapping at my window.
At first I ignore it, figuring it’s starting to rain or something. But then it comes again, louder this time, and it’s definitely a triple knock. Tap-tap-tap.
I spin my desk chair around. And there, sitting on the tree branch outside my second story window, is Tamsin.
My brain literally can’t compute what I’m seeing. For a long moment, all I can do is stare at her while she stares at me.
Then she leans forward and shouts at me through the glass.
“Are you going to let me in? It’s not exactly comfortable out here.”
I get to my feet in a daze, go over to the window, and raise the sash. Then I raise the screen, too, and reach a hand out to Tamsin.
It takes some scrambling, but after a minute she’s standing in my room, dusting herself off.
She’s wearing the jeans and white blouse from the audition, and that sparkling thing is still in her hair.
“What is that?” I ask stupidly.
She frowns. “What?”
“That thing in your hair. It looks like diamonds. I mean, I know it’s not diamonds, obviously, but—”
“Oh, shit.” She reaches up and touches her hair. “It’s Izzy’s Juliet cap. She leant it to me for the audition and I forgot to give it back to her.” She glares at me. “I forgot because of you. Because you took off like a coward and I had to run around like a lunatic trying to figure out where you live. Andre finally dug up your address for me. And then you wouldn’t answer your stupid door and I had to climb your stupid tree and now here I am, and you better believe you’re going to talk to me.”
She’s breathing hard. Her eyes are glittering like the crystals in her hair. Her hands are on her hips and she looks pissed as hell.
She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. The most exciting, genuine, passionate person I’ve ever known. And there’s only one thing I really want to do right now.
I close the space between us, put my hands on either side of her face, and kiss her.
I’m gentle, because I can see the bruise under her makeup and I can’t stand to hurt her again. But Tamsin grabs my shirt and yanks me close, and suddenly the kiss isn’t gentle at all.
Our tongues meet in a feverish tangle. My heart is pounding so hard the rush of blood is like a storm surge. Her breasts are crushed against my chest, and I flash back to the memory of what she looks like naked.
The passion is so intense I forget myself, and when I break the kiss to drag my mouth along her jaw she yelps.
I jerk back, horrified. “Shit. I’m so sorry.”
Tamsin is running her fingers over her chin and jaw, but she’s smiling.
“It’s okay. We need to talk before we make out again, anyway.”
My mouth is still tingling from our kiss, and my pulse is racing. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, and then I take a few steps back.
“Do you want to sit down?” I ask. My voice sounds rough, and I clear my throat.
Tamsin nods. “Okay.”
There’s the bed and the desk chair. Leaving the chair for Tamsin, I go over and sit on the edge of my bed.
Tamsin drags the chair closer and sits down facing me. We’re only a foot or so apart, and I force myself not to reach for her hand. I don’t want the insane physical chemistry between us to distract from whatever Tamsin needs to say.
It’s starting to get dark out. I turn on the lamp beside my bed, and the glow makes the crystals in Tamsin’s hair shimmer.
Her hands are folded in her lap, and I wonder if she’s trying not to touch me, too.
She leans forward. “Tell me why you left the theater today. You said you’d meet me after the audition, and then you left.”
It’s hard to think straight looking into those big gray eyes.
“You were so good. God, you were amazing. But when you spoke those lines…and the way you looked at Charlie…” I shake my head. “I went there thinking we could be friends. I felt like shit about this morning and I wanted to fix it. But at the audition, I realized what being your friend would mean.” I pause. “Someday you’ll fall in love, and I’ll have to watch it happen. I’ll have to watch you look at a guy the way you looked at Charlie. And I won’t be able to do it.” I take a deep breath. “I can’t be friends with you. I know that makes me a shitty, selfish person, but that’s the way it is. I’m sorry.”
For a moment she just looks at me. Then she says,
“Do you know why I was looking at Charlie like that?”
I shake my head.
“I was imagining he was you.”
My heart clenches in my chest. “What?”
“I had to play a girl in love. So I thought about the guy I’m in love with.”
I can’t move. I can’t say a fucking word. All I can do is stare at the girl I’ve fallen for—the girl who, against all odds and common sense, has fallen for me, too.
“But, here’s the thing.”
I knew there had to be a thing.
“We have to figure out the sex stuff. I mean, I’m cool with waiting if that’s what you want to do. But I’m not cool with not talking about it. If we can’t talk about it, we can’t be together.”
The possibility of being with Tamsin is a fantasy come to life. But even though I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything, I don’t think I can do what she’s asking me.
“Of course,” she goes on, “there is another option.”
Another option?
“We could work through the problem right now.”
I’m not sure what she means. “Work through the—”
“We could have sex. Like, tonight.”
My mouth opens, but no sound comes out.
Tamsin’s mouth is curved up in the wicked, sexy smile I love so much.
“Unfortunately, my skills are a little limited at the moment. I won’t be able to go down on you until my jaw feels better. So that leaves plain old intercourse.” She leans forward. “We could get it over with right here and now. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. What do you say, Daniel?”
What do I say?
I’m caught between two forces. One is my old baggage, weighing me down like an anchor. The other is my feeling for Tamsin, ripping through me like a tornado.
My hands tighten into fists.
Tamsin looks at me for a moment. Then she gets off her chair and kneels down in front of me.
“I’ll tell you what,” she says softly. “If you don’t want to, that’s okay. But if you do want to, you don’t have to say anything. Just take this crystal thing out of my hair and put it somewhere. Izzy will kill me if anything happens to it.”
I know what I want. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want Tamsin right now. But I’m still stuck between the past and the present, and for a second I’m frozen.
Then I raise my hands. I slide them into Tamsin’s hair and find the edges of the jeweled cap. I lift it, and then I lay it down on the bedside table.
When I look back at Tamsin, her eyes are like stars.
“Okay, then,” she says. “There’s just one thing you have to keep in mind.”
I find my voice. “Just one?”
She smiles up at me. “This is going to be terrible.”
I blink. “You mean…the sex?”
“Yep.”
“It’s going to be terrible?”
“Yep. Because it’s your first time, and first times suck. But now that you know that, the pressure’s off. Don’t even think of this as sex. Think of it like a medical procedure.”
I feel myself starting to relax. “A medical procedure.”
“You got it. Now, the second time—and the third and the fourth and so on—will be a different story. But this time will totally suck. Awkward city. Embarrassing for both of us.”
She stands up, her eyes still on mine. Then she grabs the hem of her blouse with both hands and pulls it up and off.
She’s wearing a plain white cotton bra, and she looks like a Victoria’s Secret model.
I remember exactly how her breasts feel against my palms. It’s just natural human instinct when I reach out to touch her.
Tamsin takes a step back, that wicked smile curving up her lips again.
“Oh, no. No foreplay, no distractions. This isn’t supposed to be fun, Bowman. We’re getting down to business.”
Then she kicks off her shoes, unzips her jeans, and shimmies out of them.
Her panties match her bra. Plain cotton, white, and sexier than underwear has any right to be.
God, her body is fucking perfect.
She points at me. “Now you. Pants and shirt, please.”
It’s the sexiest order I’ve ever followed.
“Yes ma’am,” I murmur, pulling my T-shirt off and shedding my jeans.
Now I’m sitting on the edge of my bed in just my boxers.
I’m as hard as a rock.
“You have the finest body of any human being on the planet,” she says.
I raise my eyebrows. “Nope. That would be you.”
She smiles. “We’re a couple of sexy beasts. Okay, Bowman. Are you ready for the next step?”
Amazingly enough, I am. Whatever it is.
“Yeah.”
“All right, then.”
She reaches behind her back, unhooks her bra, and lets it drop to the floor.
“I like this step,” I say, and my voice sounds like a rusty gate.
She stands there a moment, letting me drink in the sight of her naked breasts. Her nipples are small and perfect, a dark rose color, and I remember exactly how they taste on my tongue.
Then she hooks her thumbs under the waistband of her panties. “Now you.”
I grab the waistband of my boxers.
“We’ll do this at the same time,” she says. “Ready?”
“Ready.”
We pull off our underwear together, and I’m completely naked with a girl for the first time in my life.
I honestly wasn’t sure what would happen. I thought I might lose my erection.
But as Tamsin gazes down at me, I get harder than I was before.
I’m as hard as a fucking diamond.
Her eyes meet mine again.
“This is a pretty good start,” she says, her voice husky.
“What—” My voice croaks, and I try again. “What now?”
“Now you lie back.”
I do it, sliding up the bed so my head is against the pillows. I’m still hard. But as Tamsin gets on the bed with me, I’m not thinking about my cock.
“I want to go down on you.”
Her eyebrows go up. “Trying to distract me?”
She’s kneeling, and I only have a tantalizing glimpse of the dark triangle between her legs.
I shake my head. “I just want to taste you again.”
She smiles slowly. “There’ll be time for that later. All the time you want. But not now.”
My heart is beating like a drum. “What happens now?”
“Now I touch you, and you do your best not to kick me in the head. Should we give it a try?”
All I can do is nod.
She reaches out slowly and carefully, and I almost wish she’d just grab me. Because now I have time to remember the beer my neighbor gave me eight years ago, and the way it felt lying on his couch with my head swimming, and the way it felt when he touched me.
I grit my teeth. This time I’m sure I’ll go soft. But then Tamsin’s small, soft hand closes around me, and I forget everything but her.
Oh, God.
The most beautiful girl on the planet is on my bed, naked, and her hand is around my cock.
This is the sexiest moment of my life.
For a moment we’re both still. Then, slowly, Tamsin’s hand starts to move.
“How does that feel?” she asks softly.
She expects me to say words? I open my mouth, but I can’t speak.
There’s that smile again. “If it’s good, nod. If it’s bad, shake your head.”
I nod.
“Okay, then. Time for the next step.”
She lets go of me, which is probably a good thing. I’m close to coming right now.
Then she lies down on her stomach to reach over the side of the bed, and the perfect curve of her naked ass almost sends me over the edge.
She grabs her jeans, takes her wallet out of her back pocket, and fishes out a square packet. Then she’s back on her knees, facing me again.
“Can I put this on you? Or do you want to put it on yourself?”
I manage to speak this time.
“You.”
“Okay.”
She rips it open, and there’s so much anticipation in the sound of foil tearing that I grip my quilt with both hands to keep from flying off the bed.
Tamsin is over me now, her knees straddling my thighs. She puts the condom against the tip of my erection and slowly, slowly, unrolls it until I’m covered.
Then she looks up to meet my eyes.
I’ve almost lost my capacity for rational thought, but one thing remains.
“You’re not ready. I mean—I haven’t done anything for you yet.”
Tamsin reaches for my hand and guides it to her pussy. When I touch her, she’s soaking wet.
I close my eyes. “Fuck.”
“Yeah,” Tamsin says, letting my hand go, and I open my eyes again.
She’s smiling. “I’ve been ready for this since I came through your window. Now buckle up, because here we go.”
Her knees are straddling my hips. She takes the base of my cock in her hand and guides me to her entrance, and she’s so wet I can feel it through the condom.
Then, slowly, she sinks down.
My whole life has been leading up to this moment. Every song I’ve ever heard, every prayer I’ve ever spoken, every dream of love or paradise or ecstasy.
I’m trembling and I can’t stop. I’m staring at Tamsin and she’s staring at me, and the look in her eyes is something I want to see for the rest of my life.
Then she starts to move. Slow at first and then faster, and the pleasure spiraling up inside me is almost more than I can stand.
It can’t be as good for Tamsin. It just can’t. But then she leans forward with a sudden gasp, her hands flat on my chest.
“I’m going to come. Shit. I’m sorry.”
Words don’t make sense anymore.
“You’re sorry because you’re going to come?”
She pants as she speaks. “I wanted to make this last. But if I come it might set you off.”
I look up at her for one second. The feelings rushing through me have ripped everything else away, and the only thing left is instinct.
I put my hands on her hips and flip us over.
She squeaks, her hands gripping my shoulders and her eyes huge. I’m still buried inside her, and as I look down at the woman beneath me, her beautiful face flushed and her lips parted, I make a sound I’ve never made in my life.
I growl.
And then I move, pulling out and thrusting in again, pulling out and thrusting in. Tamsin is so hot and wet and tight and perfect I growl again, and then she starts to moan.
Her eyes close as she arches her head back. Her body pulses around mine as she cries out my name, and that’s what does it.
I shudder as I come. Tamsin’s eyes are still closed but I keep mine open. I never want to see anything but her face, not ever again.
After a few seconds her eyes flutter open, and when she looks at me the whole world falls away.
There’s only the two of us. We’re wrapped in heat and sweetness, and there’s a vibration in the air like the echo of thunder.
“Tamsin,” I whisper.
“Daniel.”
I press a kiss to her forehead.
“Say my name again.”
“Daniel.”
“Again.”
“Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, Dan—”
I cut her off with a kiss.
Her arms slide around my neck and her mouth opens to mine. Our tongues meet and I want to kiss her forever. But I’m a lot bigger than Tamsin and I’m probably crushing her, so I break the kiss and start to pull back.
“Wait,” she says, and I stop.
“What?”
“The condom. You want to grab it by the base before you pull out.”
“Okay.”
I do it like that and drop the used condom into the trash can beside the bed. When I roll back onto my side, facing Tamsin, I pull her into my arms.
“You lied to me,” I murmur.
She nuzzles my chest.
“About what?”
Her voice is warm and sleepy and satisfied, and the sound of it is like a stroke against my skin.
“You said my first time would be terrible. You said it would totally suck.”
“I said that?”
“You did.”
She kisses the center of my chest. “So you’re saying it didn’t suck?”
“I am. In fact, I’m saying it was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I feel her smiling against my skin.
“It was all right for me, too,” she says. “I mean, you know, it was okay.”
I smack her bare butt, and she squeals. Then she pulls back and grins at me.
“This is literally the first time you’ve ever had sex and you’re already into spanking?”
“Only with you, and only when you deserve it.”
“Wow. That’s a really good answer.”
I know I should say something funny or snarky back. That’s what we have going right now.
But I don’t say something snarky.
“I love you.”
Her eyes widen.
“I love you, too,” she says, her voice trembling a little.
There’s nothing I want to say after that. I just want to hold her, and feel her body against mine, and bask in this incredible glow.
Tamsin must feel the same way. Because when I pull her into my arms again, she doesn’t say a word. She just nestles close and slides her arms around my waist.
This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.