I’m resigned to tell Ash everything. Tonight.
It’s been three days since she told me the whole truth and then handed over her virginity. We’ve fucked like rabbits every night since.
She’s my future, no doubt about it.
But there’s still a shadow cast over our relationship. A shadow I have to chase away, so we can walk freely in the sun.
It’s going to be excruciating to come clean. But I’m going to do it, she’s going to listen, and Lord, please, hopefully forgive me.
I walk into the banquet decked out in my traditional dress blues. The awards ceremony is held annually to honor the men and women serving in local and federal law enforcement. A plethora of awards are given for bravery, meritorious service, lifesaving, outstanding service, as well as unit citations and the Commissioner’s Recognition award.
It’s quite a large deal and most of the force shows up in support.
It’s also a great excuse for free food and booze. But you didn’t hear that from me.
As I mingle with my fellow officers, I watch the minutes of the clock tick by. I’m going to Ash’s right after this, trad blues and all. I want her to see me for who I really am. Let’s just hope she doesn’t completely freak out.
I plan to sit her down, kneel between her knees and confess. Confess it all, like a sinner in church. Confess my feelings, my need, and all my regrets. There are many, but she’s worth all the repentance. She’s worthy of the rest of my life.
I listen distantly to the speakers on stage and to the soft conversation going on around me. Get a bunch of cops together and it’s a range of topics from guns, to cases, to women. I’m unusually quiet and my fellow officers notice. A few heckle me, asking who the flavor of the week is. I just laugh them off. I have picked one flavor to stick with for life. And it’s a sugary sorority girl whose taste I’ll never get enough of.
“Potato croquette,” a voice breaks through the barrier of our tight social circle.
Most of the guys grab one or two hors d’oeuvres, politely thanking the server. I choose to pass, barely paying any mind to the girl dressed in all black, but she doesn’t move from her spot on the floor. the spot she’s standing on the floor.
That’s when I turn my head and take a good look at her. Big eyes stare intently at me. I freeze, with all my colleagues hanging around, oblivious to the fact that my most recent case has caught up with me.
Mother. Fucker.
Ash is clearly shocked and confused. As she should be. I keep my cool, as she stares me down. Shaking my head covertly, I pray she receives the message. Don’t freak out.
Luckily, she doesn’t.
She does however flee the room like it just caught on fire.
My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach. It feels like a stormy sea is tossing around the contents.
I want to go after her.
I will go after her. I just have to make sure it doesn’t look suspicious.
Of all the banquets in all of Virginia, she just had to be working mine.
Fuck.
After a few more agonizing minutes of bullshitting, I excuse myself, following the path Ash took just a short while ago.
I bust through the kitchen doors looking for her. All the waitstaff regards me funny, as they should. I’m completely out of place, but I don’t give one flying fuck. I need to find Ash.
“I’m looking for a server,” I announce. “Tall, thin, dark hair, pretty.”
One of chefs dressed in all white thumbs behind to a hallway.
I nod in thanks then hurry out of sight.
I feel all eyes boring into my back as I leave. Yeah, there’s going to some gossip going around.
Better behind closed doors than in a public setting. Especially when all my superiors are around.
I barrel through a service door and end up in a narrow alleyway with a line of dumpsters.
At first, I see no one, but as the door slowly shuts, Ash appears in my peripheral vision.
Her eyes are red and so is the tip of her nose. She’s been crying, and it kills me.
“Who the fuck are you?” She doesn’t pull one punch.
I take a step toward her and she recoils. It’s the last reaction I would ever want her to have.
“I was going to explain everything. Tonight.” I reach my hand out to her.
“You’re a cop? You lied about everything. Especially who you were.”
“I never lied about how I felt.”
“I feel...so fucking stupid.” She makes a disgusted face. “I slept with you. I trusted you.”
“You can still trust me.”
“Is Eli even your real name?”
“Yes,” I don’t hesitate to answer.
Ash reads my name tag aloud. “Officer Kirschner.” My true last name falls strangely from her lips.
“Eli Dexter Kirschner. Officer Eli Dexter Kirschner.” It sounds like a ridiculous introduction. “I was put on a case. My precinct caught wind of an online auction, and I went undercover to expose it.” I explain everything. Not exactly the way I had planned, but groveling is still on the agenda nonetheless.
“Oh my god. Are you going to arrest me?” Ash turns pale. “My sorority. All the girls,” she rambles nervously. “Our whole lives are going to be ruined.” She looks me dead in the eye.
“No one is getting arrested and no one’s life is getting ruined. I already wrote my report. The case is closed.” I want to put her mind at ease. “I would never hurt you. I love you.” Those words are a tour de force. Especially for me. I have never said them to anyone else. And I never plan to say them to another woman again.
Ash stands stiller than a statue, absorbing it all. I hover over her, dwarfing her feminine frame.
“I don’t know you.” Her lip quivers.
“You said you loved me,” I argue.
“I love Eli Dexter Livingston. Not Officer Kirschner.”
She just crushed me. “We’re the same person.” I take another step toward her and she wraps her arms around her waist, denying me. She doesn’t want me.
“I need to go.” She barrels past me, knocking her shoulder with mine.
“Ash,” I call out.
“I feel sick,” she whispers, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Ash,” I call again, sterner this time.
“Don’t fucking follow me.” She turns and runs down the alleyway.
I stand there like a fool.
No, not like a fool, I am a fool.
A fool to ever think my deception could end in anything other than disaster.