I found myself doing what I had been doing for the past several nights. Replaying my time with Harrison, except this time I was crying uncontrollably, clutching my pillow for a comfort that wouldn’t come. First, we won handily. Harrison was still the smartest person in the room. He impressed my grandparents, that was for sure. My grandma was already inviting him over for Sunday lunch, but he was on duty. She wasn’t deterred, she changed it to Sunday dinner. He was quick to accept. But that wasn’t going to happen now after the scene that took place when he walked me to my door.

We had stood there on my porch in that awkward what-do-we-do-now stance. I decided I should take the lead. “Goodnight. Thank you for coming with me. I had a great time.” I turned to unlock my door. He wasn’t having it. He took me up in his arms. He gazed into my eyes. “Kallie, please tell me I’m not the only one feeling the connection between us.”

“Harrison—”

“Remember, you’re under oath.” He smiled.

My heart wasn’t sure what to do. Skip beats or erratically beat. “It’s . . .” I couldn’t lie to him.

He took matters into his own hands. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. For a moment, I gave in to it. I let his warm, urgent lips own mine. I parted my lips and tasted what I had been missing for years. I found myself where I had been five years ago, pressed up against my door and letting Harrison make a mess of my hair. It was as if he unleashed five years of desire. It made my body and soul sing. But this was wrong. I came to my senses and pushed him away.

“Harrison, we can’t do this.”

Hurt etched the features on his handsome face. “Why?” He looked around my neighborhood. His eyes landed on the BMW in my driveway. My grandfather had gifted it to me only yesterday. He bought a new one and gave me his slightly used one since my car had been totaled. Harrison’s face tightened and reddened. “It all makes sense now. You left me five years ago when I told you I was going to become a cop. I didn’t know then the kind of charmed existence you led, but I get it now. And for all your talk about not caring about appearances, you didn’t want to be with somebody who couldn’t support your lifestyle.”

I stepped back, shocked he would even think that. “Do you really believe that about me?” I had to hold back the tears.

He planted his feet firmly and stared at me. Daring me to contradict him. “You tell me why, then.”

I searched his blue eyes. The passion from moments earlier was all but gone, but I noted a spark of hope. And I knew then I had to tell him the truth. I should have five years ago. “You’re right,” I choked. “I don’t want to be with a cop.”

A flash of anger lit up his eyes.

Tears rolled down my cheek.

“You can save the fake tears.” He turned around and left me standing there holding myself. Each of his footsteps marked his wrath-filled path. He didn’t give me another glance. He hopped into his truck and the slam of his door could be heard throughout my neighborhood.

I told myself it was better to hurt him now than later. It was better that I let him believe I was shallow. But how could he think that about me? How could I blame him, after being so closed off?

That’s how I found myself on my couch in the middle of the night, begging for the hurt to go away. He was the only man who had ever affected me in such a way. Twice now I’d had to endure this pain, but this time it was worse, because he was even better. He deserved a woman who could give him her all. A woman who could support him.

I rubbed my chest. It felt hollow. He had hit me hard and then ran away with my heart.

By morning light, I hadn’t slept a wink. I decided to work from home. I sent Grady and Mason an email telling them I wasn’t feeling well. Truer words had never been spoken. I was heartsick to know that Harrison hated me and that I would never see him again. Tears sprang up when I looked at the nail polish he had left on my coffee table. Who would have guessed a masculine man like Harrison could give manicures?

I got up to shower. This was ridiculous. What had it been? A week? No. It had been over five years of keeping my feelings bottled up. Five years of ignoring how much I felt for Harrison. I didn’t know if it was love, but it was different; he was different. And now he was gone.

I sat in the shower and bawled some more. Last time I had law school to help me recover, or at least mask my feelings. Now, I had work. And I could get more involved in my grandmother’s charitable causes. I thought about Shop with a Hero. I would make sure it happened, but I would stay behind the scenes, away from my new favorite hero.

I’m not sure how much work I got done. I watched Legally Blonde three times and used up a box of tissues. And I had that stupid driving class to go to. I should have plead guilty. I was guilty of that and so much more. At least I knew Harrison wouldn’t be there, or I hoped. It was his day off.

I trudged over to city hall and the municipal room the class was taking place in. I didn’t see Harrison, but felt like every officer I ran into looked at me with contempt. I almost skipped and decided to have my day in court—it was the only option left to me—but then Harrison would be brought in to testify against me. Not happening.

I walked into the large room with several other offenders already sitting down looking over the class booklet. To my horror, the man passing them out and checking off names was Officer Jackson, Harrison’s friend and the officer that took the report at the scene of my accident. His glare was scorn-filled when I reached the front of the line. “Ms. Clemmons.” He marked my name off with a vengeance. “Take a seat. No talking.” He handed me a booklet.

I scurried to my seat like a wounded animal. It was an unusual sensation for me. Normally, I was confident. I didn’t allow others to intimidate me. I had gone up against abusers and slum lords in the projects. But I couldn’t feel that gusto now.

The class was being taught by a cranky woman by the name of Rhonda. I think she knew about me, too. When she was going over her rules that included no vacant stares or dirty looks, she focused squarely on me. I wasn’t the awful person everyone was making me out to be. Didn’t they know how much I was dying inside? How much I wished things could be different?

It only got worse. Rhonda brought up my accident as an example while teaching. She didn’t use my name, but her gaze was on me the entire time. I didn’t shy away from it and met her eyes during the length of her discourse against me.

She ended with, “Don’t be an idiot like the woman in this example.”

If only she knew who my grandfather was and the kind of havoc he would wreak in her life, if only he knew what I was going through. She would have trod with caution.

There was a break halfway through. I made a beeline to get some fresh air. I kept telling myself I only had to endure two more hours. My fifteen minutes of peace wasn’t meant to be. Officer Jackson was waiting for me outside the room. “I want to talk to you,” he demanded.

I kept on walking toward the exit. I didn’t owe him anything.

He followed. “You really think a lot of yourself, don’t you? He deserves better than you.”

I spun around. “Don’t you think I know that?” Tears brimmed in my eyes.

I caught him off guard. He leaned back.

“I wish Harrison every happiness. And I wish I was the woman who could give it to him. But you believe what you want about me. I won’t try and change your mind.”

I walked out the door and took a deep breath of the warm summer air. I did my best not to cry.

I heard the door open and close behind me. “You know he’s talked about you since our days at the police academy. Kallie Clemmons, the girl that got away.”

I turned toward him.

His head was tilted and his eyes narrowed. “Kallie Clemmons?”

I waited for him to finish his thought.

An idea lighted his eyes. “Kallie Clemmons? Were you related to Officer Lance Clemmons?”

I clutched my heart. “Why?” My breathing was staggered.

He stepped closer. “My buddy, Officer Ross in precinct —”

I knew what precinct he was in. He was my dad’s old partner and friend. He was the one who held me the day my life changed course forever.

“He was telling me about the interview he had with the parole board investigator regarding the woman who had killed Lance Clemmons. He was still torn up about it. Hoped she didn’t make parole.”

I didn’t know she was up for parole. The state probably informed my mother and she had failed to mention it. Tears rolled down my cheek. “I need to get back to class.” I headed for the door.

“Kallie, I’m sorry . . .”

Him and me both. I had to call Grady. I needed to know if Farrah Johns, my father’s murderer, had been released. He wasn’t answering and it wasn’t something I could leave a message about. I almost called my mother, but I was furious with her.

I’m not sure if Officer Jackson got a hold of Rhonda, but she toned the snarkiness down for the last half of the pointless class. I guess I should have been happy my insurance rates wouldn’t increase.

But I wasn’t happy. I was the exact opposite.